STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 7th, 2012, 4:16 pm

Dear Scooby-Doo:

Satani means demon, Thief Guild master Kamen reminds her often. In Satani's opinion, no name is needed to make her differences obvious. Her face, scarred from an accident she can't remember, in addition to sharply pointed ears and cat-like eyes draw plenty of attention-usually deadly.

Satani earns a modicum of safety by remaining useful to Kamen. However, after failing her latest mission, she must make a last-ditch effort to regain his support.

Final orders: Kidnap someone from the king's palace during a masked ball.

Everything is going according to plan until the king's special guests arrive. After an introduction that changes her view of self and the world, a battle, sacrifice, and betrayal lead to Satani's capture by pointy-eared emissaries, who insist she's one of them.

Not a demon. An Elf.

Satani is dragged by her kidnappers toward Ælvenhome and into the middle of an age-old feud between Elves and Starkin. With nightmares plaguing her dreams, new powers awakening, and an annoying Elven child shadowing her, Satani struggles to maintain distance and focus.

She is faced with a choice: escape to find the one who betrayed her or accept that being different isn't the same as being alone.

STARKIN LOST, a fantasy novel of 145,000 words, is the first of three books following five characters: Satani the thief, Dredion the Starkin/Elven heir, Haywen the eldest of the Elves, Oleen the leader of an anti-Elf army, and Kamen, who is Oleen's nephew and enforcer.

Thank you for your consideration,

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 7th, 2012, 4:55 pm

Any suggestions welcome!!

lindenfoxcub
Posts: 1
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 11:03 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by lindenfoxcub » June 7th, 2012, 11:10 pm

I keep hearing that one of the things to strive for in a query is specificity, and I'm pretty sure that's why the lines about "special guests", and "an introduction" were the point where I lost interest. I can't suggest what to replace them with, because I don't know what they refer to, but I would put something more specific about those two things.

That and the mention of the five different characters in the end seemed unnecessary, since there's no space to explain how they fit into the main story - they don't add anything to the query, IMHO.

Aside from that, it looks good - I get a good sense of the conflict and the central character.

philipheckman
Posts: 1
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 10:24 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by philipheckman » June 7th, 2012, 11:51 pm

Your fantasy novel sounds rich and compelling, Bobcgirl8. As such, it can't be summarized in a few paragraphs, which is what your synopsis (not query) is attempting to do. Fantasy by definition creates new worlds that depart from the conventions of real life. There is no consensus on what demons, elves, or Starkin are, for example. You can't assume that a reader will know what you mean by those terms and you can't explain them in a query letter.

Instead of outlining your plot, it would be better to concentrate on broadly sketching the aspects of your fantasy world that illustrate how your main character's enemies threaten her goals and even her life. Ideally you'd describe what's at stake in your novel in terms that resonate with readers despite the entirely different reality they live in.

Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 8th, 2012, 9:59 am

lindenfoxcub wrote:I keep hearing that one of the things to strive for in a query is specificity, and I'm pretty sure that's why the lines about "special guests", and "an introduction" were the point where I lost interest.
I will try and reword it a bit, so it is less vague. The introduction is to the special guest, who are the pointy-eared emassaries (a.ka. Elves). Thanks for the advice! Please keep it coming!

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by wilderness » June 11th, 2012, 7:58 pm

Hi there. it's standard on this forum to post the revised version with the same thread so that people won't accidentally comment on the wrong version and so reviewers can more easily compare versions. Please delete the other thread and post it here.

Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

Revised Version of Starkin Lost Query

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 11th, 2012, 8:44 pm

Dear Scooby-Doo:

The thieves named her demon.

In Satani's opinion, no name is needed to make her differences obvious. Her face, scarred from an accident she can't remember, in addition to sharply pointed ears and cat-like eyes draw plenty of attention—always unwanted and usually deadly.

She earns a modicum of safety stealing carefully guarded treasures for the Thief Guild's master, Kamen. She is one priceless object away from becoming indispensable when an assassin attacks her, resulting in a broken vase valued much higher than Satani's life.

To regain Kamen's protection: Kidnap a special guest from the king's palace during a masked ball.

Following an evening of dancing and kidnapping, a battle, sacrifice, and betrayal, lead to Satani's capture by pointy-eared emissaries who insist she's one of them.

Not a demon, but member of a race nearly lost to legend. 

Satani's kidnappers drag her toward Ælvenhome and into the middle of an age-old feud between Elves and Starkin, who were one people before The Sundering. Every Starkin is born with an eight-pointed star marking that creates a personal connection to the Goddess, or did until the deity disappeared. Now, both factions search for the one who can rediscover the Goddess and bind them together once more; a role Satani cares nothing about, but might be destined to fulfill.

With nightmares plaguing her dreams, new powers awakening, and an annoying Starkin child shadowing her, Satani struggles to maintain distance and focus.

To survive, she must choose to return to her betrayer or accept that being different doesn't mean being alone.

STARKIN LOST, a fantasy novel of 130,000 words, is the first of three tales following five characters, including Satani the thief and Dredion the Starkin/Elven heir.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: Revised Version of Starkin Lost Query

Post by wilderness » June 12th, 2012, 1:56 pm

Bobcgirl8 wrote:Dear Scooby-Doo:

The thieves named her demon. Why is demon lowercase?

In Satani's opinion, no name is needed to make her differences obvious. Her face, scarred from an accident she can't remember, in addition to sharply pointed ears and cat-like eyes draw plenty of attention—always unwanted and usually deadly. I think the idea that she's been horribly scarred makes her very interesting. However, I don't feel quite grounded, so I don't know if her looks make her a paranormal cat woman or merely somewhat feline looking. I think you may want to establish how unusual this is in their world right away.

She earns a modicum of safety stealing carefully guarded treasures for the Thief Guild's master, Kamen. She is one priceless object away from becoming indispensable when an assassin attacks her, resulting in a broken vase valued much higher than Satani's life. Cool.

To regain Kamen's protection: Kidnap a special guest from the king's palace during a masked ball. Sounds exciting.

Following an evening of dancing and kidnapping, a battle, sacrifice, and betrayal, lead to Satani's capture by pointy-eared emissaries who insist she's one of them. I think you're brushing over too much of what happened here.

Not a demon, but member of a race nearly lost to legend. 

Satani's kidnappers drag her toward Ælvenhome and into the middle of an age-old feud between Elves and Starkin, who were one people before The Sundering. Every Starkin is born with an eight-pointed star marking that creates a personal connection to the Goddess, or did until the deity disappeared. Now, both factions search for the one who can rediscover the Goddess and bind them together once more; a role Satani cares nothing about, but might be destined to fulfill. Hmm, now this seems like a completely different book--and I was intrigued by the thieves stealing priceless objects. I wonder if you need any of this or if you should simply stick with describing the opening chapters as a teaser, and just hint that she is more than what she seems?

With nightmares plaguing her dreams, new powers awakening, and an annoying Starkin child shadowing her, Satani struggles to maintain distance and focus.

To survive, she must choose to return to her betrayer or accept that being different doesn't mean being alone.

STARKIN LOST, a fantasy novel of 130,000 words, is the first of three tales following five characters, including Satani the thief and Dredion the Starkin/Elven heir.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8
I really liked the beginning but it feels a bit like 2 novels to me. Can you tie the two worlds together? Otherwise, I wonder if you should end with the ball. I've seen several agents subscribe to the idea that you need only describe the opening chapters in a query, up until the "inciting incident". Sounds cool, though!

Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 12th, 2012, 11:23 pm

Thanks for the advice :) I pretty much am going to get rid of everything after "The Sundering" and pick back up with Satani. The rest can be a surprise for the book :)

Bobcgirl8
Posts: 14
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 4:11 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 13th, 2012, 10:03 am

Dear Scooby-Doo:

The thieves named her Demon.

In Satani's opinion, no name is needed to make her differences obvious. Her face, scarred from an accident she can't remember, in addition to sharply pointed ears and cat-like eyes draw plenty of attention—always unwanted and usually deadly.

She earns a modicum of safety stealing carefully guarded treasures for the Thief Guild's master, Kamen. She is one priceless object away from becoming indispensable when an assassin attacks her, resulting in a broken vase valued much higher than Satani's life.

To regain Kamen's protection: Kidnap a special guest from the king's palace during a masked ball.

Following an evening of dancing and kidnapping, a battle, sacrifice, and betrayal, lead to Satani's capture by pointy-eared emissaries who insist she's one of them.

Not a demon, but member of a race nearly lost to legend. 

Satani's kidnappers drag her toward Ælvenhome and into the middle of an age-old feud between Elves and Starkin, who were one people before The Sundering. With nightmares plaguing her dreams, new powers awakening, and an annoying Starkin child shadowing her, Satani struggles to maintain distance and focus.

To survive, she must choose to return to her betrayer or accept that being different doesn't mean being alone.

STARKIN LOST, a fantasy novel of 130,000 words, is the first of three tales following five characters, including Satani the thief and Dredion the Starkin/Elven heir.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

winterone
Posts: 11
Joined: June 8th, 2012, 6:05 pm
Contact:

Re: STARKIN LOST: Adult Fantasy

Post by winterone » June 15th, 2012, 1:07 pm

I think that you've hit all of the basic points that one should in a query. All of my suggestions are just about cleaning up the copy - I hope it wasn't too forward of me to mess around a little!
Bobcgirl8 wrote:Dear Scooby-Doo:

The thieves named her Demon.

In Satani's opinion, the name is not needed to make her differences obvious. Her pointed ears, cat-like eyes and the scars on her face from an accident she cannot remember already draw plenty of attention—always unwanted and usually deadly.

She earns a modicum of safety stealing carefully guarded treasures for the Thief Guild's master, Kamen. She is one priceless object away from becoming indispensable when an assassin attacks her, resulting in a broken vase valued much higher than Satani's life.

To regain Kamen's protection, she must kidnap a special guest from the king's palace during a masked ball.

But the evening of dancing does not go as planned, and Satani is captured by pointy-eared emissaries who insist she's one of them.

Not a demon, but member of a race nearly lost to legend. 

Satani is thrust into the middle of an age-old feud between Elves and Starkin, who were one people before The Sundering. With nightmares plaguing her dreams, new powers awakening, and an annoying Starkin child shadowing her, Satani struggles to maintain distance and focus.

To survive, she must choose to return to her betrayer or accept that being different doesn't mean being alone.

STARKIN LOST, a fantasy novel of 130,000 words, is the first of three tales following five characters, including Satani the thief and Dredion the Starkin/Elven heir.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8
I'm very interested in your story. I hope your quest for an agent ends well!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests