Please don't tell me about having an agents name, that's why I have the [[]] so that I can have the agents name there, and add or remove things depending on that specific agent. That aside, I'd love feedback.
Dear, [[Agent I'm querying at the time]]
Death's dominion is in some serious trouble, and only Delphi, her reaper bodyguard Kameron, and her mortal bestfriend Kaizzie stand in the way of total chaos; and total chaos stands in the way of an attempt at a normal highschool social life.
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place.
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. On one fateful Saturday night, she accidently killed the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. One that lasts long into his afterlife.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world.
Along The River Styx is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length, and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Ashley Cooley
[[insert contact info here]]
Query: Along The River Styx
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Re: Query: Along The River Styx
acooley wrote:
Death's dominion is in some serious trouble, and only Delphi, her reaper bodyguard Kameron, and her mortal bestfriend Kaizzie stand in the way of total chaos; and total chaos stands in the way of an attempt at a normal high school social life.
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place. These first two sentences are not specific enough to really tell me anything. Check out Nathan's great post on specificity: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. On one fateful Saturday night, she accidentally kills(use present tense) the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. One that lasts long into his afterlife.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world. Is Dale the jock? This is not clear -- bring in his name when you first introduce him. Also I'm not really sure what you mean by rogue reapers -- I thought there was only one Reaper -- Death.
Ok, so he has an army of dead souls. How did he get it in the first place? What makes him so special/powerful? And what does this have to do with Delphi? Why is she the one to stop him? You haven't quite set this up yet.
Along The River Styx (title should be in all caps) is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length(this sentence structure is repetitive with the previous paragraph, and I don't think you need to say the title twice) and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works. I think you may have trouble getting an agent if you are already posted the book up for free somewhere. Not totally sure about the protocol there.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Ashley Cooley
[[insert contact info here]]
Sounds like an interesting premise but give us more specifics. Hope that helps.
Re: Query: Along The River Styx
Death's dominion is in some serious trouble, and only Delphi, her reaper bodyguard Kameron, and her mortal bestfriend Kaizzie stand in the way of total chaos; and total chaos stands in the way of an attempt at a normal highschool social life. (This feels out of place here, more like a closing than an opening.)
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place. (While I like this line, it feels a little out of place. Again, it reads more like an ending sentence than an opener. I think it would work better if you started the query with the next paragraph (ex. Demigod Delphi Andrews is cursed with the power to...)
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. (I think it reads smoother if you go with either gifted or cursed rather than both.) On one fateful Saturday night, she accidently killed the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. (It might be good to flow the ideas of these two sentences together. (ex. Delphi is cursed with the power to drain vitality with a touch. A curse that comes back to bite her in the butt when she accidentally kills the wrong guy -- and man can her school's high school quarterback hold a grudge.) One that lasts long into his afterlife.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world. (This is confusing. Who is Dale? The dead quarterback? Is Delphi literally Death's daughter, or is that a figurative title based on her ability? I think you need to expand a little here, delve a little more into the details of the story. Nothing long and drawn out, just something to give a little more of a feel about what is going on. Maybe this would be a good point to mention her best friends and trying to fit in at school. Also, you use the phrase "rogue reaper" twice in this paragraph.)
Along The River Styx is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length, and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works. (Maybe find a way to combine this and the previous paragraph so it isn't so repetitive.)
Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hope this helps! Your story line sounds really interesting!
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place. (While I like this line, it feels a little out of place. Again, it reads more like an ending sentence than an opener. I think it would work better if you started the query with the next paragraph (ex. Demigod Delphi Andrews is cursed with the power to...)
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. (I think it reads smoother if you go with either gifted or cursed rather than both.) On one fateful Saturday night, she accidently killed the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. (It might be good to flow the ideas of these two sentences together. (ex. Delphi is cursed with the power to drain vitality with a touch. A curse that comes back to bite her in the butt when she accidentally kills the wrong guy -- and man can her school's high school quarterback hold a grudge.) One that lasts long into his afterlife.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world. (This is confusing. Who is Dale? The dead quarterback? Is Delphi literally Death's daughter, or is that a figurative title based on her ability? I think you need to expand a little here, delve a little more into the details of the story. Nothing long and drawn out, just something to give a little more of a feel about what is going on. Maybe this would be a good point to mention her best friends and trying to fit in at school. Also, you use the phrase "rogue reaper" twice in this paragraph.)
Along The River Styx is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length, and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works. (Maybe find a way to combine this and the previous paragraph so it isn't so repetitive.)
Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hope this helps! Your story line sounds really interesting!
Re: Query: Along The River Styx
Death's dominion is in some serious trouble, and only Delphi, her reaper bodyguard Kameron, and her mortal bestfriend Kaizzie stand in the way of total chaos; and total chaos stands in the way of an attempt at a normal highinsert spaceschool social life.I like this sentiment a lot. I think something about the last part caused me to stumble a little though. Although I like the double use of total chaos, it may need to stand out more that want she wants is a normal high school life.
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place.This almost seems like a better initial line. I really like how succinct it is.
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. On one fateful Saturday night, she accidently killed the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. One that lasts long into his afterlife.Nice.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world.
Along The River Styx is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length, and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works.
I really like the concept of this book, and you've had some great feedback from others. Ultimately, I don't love the first line, and the think the rest of the query does a better job of setitng up the issues. Good luck!
The balance between life and death is shifting, and only the young demigod Delphi Andrews can set it right. After all she is the reason the balance shifted in the first place.This almost seems like a better initial line. I really like how succinct it is.
Delphi is gifted—cursed—with the power to drain vitality with a touch. On one fateful Saturday night, she accidently killed the wrong person, and man can the quarterback of her highschool's football team hold a grudge. One that lasts long into his afterlife.Nice.
When the jock gone rogue reaper takes an unhealthy interest in Death's daughter the entire underworld is sent into turmoil. Dale is armed with an army of dead souls, rogue reapers, and the half soul of the one person Delphi cares most about in the world.
Along The River Styx is a YA paranormal romance that mixes Greek, Roman, and English mythology together in a tale of a teenage girl's first love, her supernatural stalker, and her family of gods.
Along The River Styx is 58,700 words in length, and is also available on inkpop.com and has been receiving some great reviews by other users and a decent site ranking. Along The River Styx has series potential, with a sequel in the works.
I really like the concept of this book, and you've had some great feedback from others. Ultimately, I don't love the first line, and the think the rest of the query does a better job of setitng up the issues. Good luck!
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