Marked - New Adult Dystopian -- First Chapter

[CharleeVale]

I'm taking this down because I realized it wasn't quite ready to be reviewed. Thanks to those that helped!

CV

[MitchTacy]

Let me start by saying I think you have a nice starting premise. It feels sort of like an homage to The Giver. Already in the first chapter you've let in an appropriate amount of exposition, and you've introduced a lot of characters from which you can either create from them some backstory or leave be. It's your decision, and I'm pretty sure by how you introduced the passage that you've already made it.

Now, I couldn't help but notice a few literary and spelling mistakes in the excerpt you've shared. In the first sentence, you seem to have made an error in the tense of the description. You wrote "felt," which is past tense, but for the rest of the chapter you went for a present tense tale. That might have been pointed out to you already (I don't know if this was edited after you received additional feedback), but it'll be something you need to watch. There are also a few spelling errors later on in the passage, e.g. "than" instead of "that." I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but spell check doesn't fix mistakes that still spell out words. It's something almost every author does, and it would be best to minimize the occurrences.

Otherwise, I feel like you really do have something going for you in this tale. As I said, it seems like a nice homage to The Giver, but try not to recycle the plot, or else it might be perceived as just taking Lois Lowry's idea. So I wish you good luck with your story, and I hope to see more of it in the future!

~This has been a Mitch Tacy review~

[maybegenius]

There are some really intriguing elements here -- I really like the marking/color signifying future career -- and some fairly strong writing. It sounds like a great start and potentially interesting premise.

I did get hung up on the opening sentences and a few other elements because they felt very similar to Ally Condie's Matched. Like, unnervingly similar. I'm not sure if you've read it, but the first chapter opens with the MC going to her Matching ceremony and commenting on her pretty, special dress and how important the night will be. It threw me a little bit. You also have a character named Cassia, which is the MC's name from Matched. Just something to think about, because that's where my mind immediately went.

As mentioned by the previous commenter, there were a few typos/errors, but those are easily fixed with line editing. I did get pretty hung up on the repetition. I think you were doing it for effect, but it doesn't quite work for me. I just felt like you were telling me the same things over and over. Does the Consilium make mistakes? No, of course not. Do they, though? No, no. But do they? That sort of thing. No new information, just the same several times. There are a few other places you can tighten up -- for instance, you don't have to tell us everyone's name when you're going to be introducing them all a few paragraphs later. On that note, I'd be wary of name-dumping. How many of these characters are going to play significant roles in the coming narrative? Sometimes it puts the reader into overload to have so many names so quickly. They're left wondering who they need to remember.

While the overall scene was pretty interesting, some areas felt too info-dumpy. It's hard with a premise like this, because there's a lot of information your audience needs to know to not be completely lost, but there were places where I felt like it was too much and you could cut. It almost felt like you were trying to give us an extensive background on this society in the first chapter, and you don't need to. What we, the readers, need to know is what's going on in this ceremony. It's okay to be a little vague on other elements for now. Kalor's backstory was one area in particular I thought could be cut or trimmed, unless it's really important for us to know RIGHT NOW that he missed a few years of school.

I was a little confused with the capitalization -- sometimes you capitalized Blank, sometimes you didn't. Same with "Clear" and a few other words. Also, I was wondering if there was a particular reason why you labeled this "New Adult" rather than "Young Adult?" The MC is YA age, so I was curious.

I think that's all I had (lol, wrote a ton, I know). I hope it's helpful. I really enjoyed your imagery and the overall concept on display here. Sounds promising!

[Aurlumen]

First, I'd like to say that you've got an interesting story going here. But that said, I do agree with the other posters. I never read Matched but I've read the summary and maybe the first few pages and this reminded me of that as well. So it makes me think that the Consilium is choosing these vitas for them on purpose, perhaps for their own personal gain and not because they actually correspond to the person. Also throughout reading I think it was some of your word choices but there were several sentences that sounded kind of off to me.
~~

The satin felt[feels] like water under my hands [Honestly, this is not a good enough hook for me. It doesn't draw me in. Even if I read the rest of the paragraph you're talking about a dress throughout and it's not very intriguing. This is a good story so I'd suggest you start somewhere else with a good clincher]. It was[is] blue, bluer than blue. It was[is] blue[Holy crap you used blue 4 times in two sentences. First sentence I'd choose another word like periwinkle, sapphire or something else. Bluer than blue.. doesn't do anything for me at all. I'd get rid of it. And then blue fire doesn't do anything either. Nobody cares about her dress color, to be honest. Mentioning it once is fine, don't need to go on about it.] fire in a sea of other, paler colors. No one has a dress like mine. I felt[feel] vibrant and sensuous and new[This adjective creates no 'wow' factor for me] like I had never felt [I would say 'have'. Just a suggestion I feel it flows better. Maybe it's just me.] before. My grandmother had worn[wore] this dress to her Receiving, and my mother [It sounds like you're saying her grandmother also wore her mother to the Receiving. I would suggest 'My mother wore this dress to her Reiceiving, and my grandmother as well/before her.']. Tonight is a night of honor, respect, beauty, and legacy.

I look around at all the others with me[We know they're all in there together.] in the banquet hall. We are a garden of silk flowers, and the men are dressed in solidifying black; the soil to our petals. [Again you're talking about clothes, though more vaguely here. I'm just thinking, okay, okay speed it along! Since the MC is dressed in a silk dress we assume that this is a formal occasion and that everyone else is also dressed accordingly.] We are the future. We are all seventeen, and in under an hour my life, our lives, are going to change[Right here. 'in under an hour my life-------What?? After reading this part of the sentence over I think I can see what you're trying to do. It seems you're missing a comma after hour. But also since they're all doing the Receiving I don't think you need to emphasize 'my life' because if she's there we know that already. Also 'less than an hour' flows more than 'under an hour'. Think about it, if you're talking you're not likely to say 'in under an hour'. "We are all seventeen, and in less than an hour our lives are going to change."]. We are going to Receive It. [Right here you're not using 'receive' as the ceremony they're going to do so I don't think it's necessary to capitalize it.]

The Vita. [Seeing as we don't know what the Vita is, I don't think it needs its own line. I know that's done for dramatic effect but it's not going to work on us right now. That's better saved for revealing a piece of information that might make us gasp or something. Here it's like.. The Vita... cool.. what is that...]

It is not an object. It is not a word [If they are receiving the Vita I think we can assume it's not a word. Because how do you receive a word? They're not tangible]. It is that one thing that we will seek to fulfill our entire lives [If they are going to receive it now don't you mean the rest of their lives?]. It defines us, drives us,[End this sentence, next part a new sentence. "It is the one steadfast thing...] is the one steadfast thing when everything else may be is raining from the sky. [Still don't have an idea of what it is. Don't know if that's intentional. Probably.]

I feel my heart beating in my throat, and my stomach drops in a familiar free fall. I look at my friends, and wonder what their Vitas will be. We all have some kind of idea—the aptitude tests last week told us our three most likely marks—except me [Sounds like she's a mark. I think you mean 'mine']. I pinch the blue satin between my fingers to keep from running my fingers over my collarbone for the hundredth time. I have no idea what the Consilium will choose for me. After my aptitude test, the results came back without a color. The technician had smiled and said "dDon’t worry, these things happen sometimes." But I saw the lie in her eyes. Tests that came back without color were Blank. Please, don’t let me be that.

I grasp at my senses to calm me down. There’s a constant, raucous tinkle of cutlery on china. A hubbub of voices in the crowded room echoing up and back from the vaults in the ceiling. I inhale the spices from our meal, sorting out the ones that indicated the different courses: clove, oregano, cinnamon. I force my heart to slow with each breath [This sounds iffy to me since you can't literally do that. You can say instead that she tried to regulate her breathing or something that sounds more doable.] , force a smile, force eye contact with my friends.

We are the Six from Yarmouth: Jewla, Dalion, Romana, Corone, Kalor, and me—Calista. They are laughing about something that happened last year in class. A bird from the science aviary got loose and ended up ruining many people’s clothes. You can hardly blame it with how scared it was. I let the memory wash over me and find myself laughing right along with them, until I see Kalor. [First I don't suggest to throw all the names at us. We won't remember. You can do this later on when each goes up to the stage. Second, I don't get why this memory is included in here. It seems random, out of place and unnecessary. You can just say that they were laughing about something but don't specify.]

He is laughing just as heartily as everyone else, but he wasn’t there [And? People laugh all the time about stories, even if they weren't present]. Kalor was absent on during what the Consilium called a ‘gifted retreat’ all of the last school year ['all of the last school year' sounds disjointed. Did you mean this event lasted the entire school year? Why? What is it? Why do I need to know this right now?]. It happened when we were twelve too [What did? The event or Kalor being gone? Or both?]. What really happened to him during those years? [Okay so does this mean he's been gone since he was 12? Don't get it. If you keep this in you need to explain better.] We’ve never had the chance to talk about it. [Okay so if he was gone for just those two years and has been present before and after that how come in all those years she NEVER got to talk about it? No one else asked or knew? Were they not around each other? Not enough info here.] We never seem to get the chance to be alone, though it seems we both try…[I'm just not believing this part. If he was only gone those 2 years what is it that between all those what 4 years they haven't got a chance to be alone? How is that possible? You're not telling us what has kept them apart] What if he is Blank? [What does him being gone in the past have to do with him being Blank? Especially if they're doing the Receiving thing now and they won't find out till now?] The words come into my head without me calling them there [I'd say the thought comes into my head suddenly or maybe the thought presents itself to me suddenly.. saying words came without me calling sounds weird. Nobody calls words.] . No. He can’t be. There is too much unsaid between us. He catches me looking, and I’m the one who breaks the eye contact, feeling blood rush to my face. [This whole paragraph throws me off from what else is happening in the story. Like someone else said, right now you need to concentrate on the ceremony. If you want I suppose you can hint that something happened with Kalor but just a sentence. It does intrigue me but it leads to more questions and confusion and that's not what you want right now. You can introduce this all later.]

“You’re awfully quiet, Calista.” Romana says. [Wasn't she just laughing though?]

“Sorry.” I glance at her. “Just nervous I guess.”

I look at all the people in the room, the exposed collarbones of the girls. I just can’t seem to keep my thoughts straight. Deep in my heart I know I can’t be bBlank. What will my calling be? What color will I be marked with? Who here will be bBlank? Who will we never see again? Does the Consilium make mistakes? [Okay I'm confused. You're mentioning collarbones. And her staring at them or touching her own. I feel like there's something ON them that she's looking at. Is there? I'd guess no since that's where their color appears. In that case at this moment I'd suggest specifying that these collarbones are bare or something like that. Otherwise we're like.. okay whats with her obsession with the collarbones, especially if there's nothing there to look at but bare skin. Or maybe here is a good place to mention that that's where their colors appear.]

That last question stops me in my tracks. Of course not. [I agree with the other poster saying you repeat this way too much. I understand it's something she's paranoid and concerned about but once or twice is enough. Plus besides the practice tests coming out blank or without color you haven't given us any indication on what exactly causes someone to be Blank. Are there any characteristics that hint to it? Does she exhibit any?]

The Vitae are the culmination of our personalities—the result of years of observation. These are the most beneficial, healthy, and fulfilling paths that we could have. The pursuit of the Vitae is responsible for the most beautiful, innovative, and efficient creations in the world’s history. [This doesn't tell me anything. I still have no idea what it is exactly. If it's a culmination of personalities, how is it also a path? How is it responsible for creations? Or do you mean the people who pursue the Vitae create these amazing things? I would define this better because it feels all other the place.]

‘Creativity is freed by limitation’—The motto of the Consilium. Our focus has allowed society to flourish far beyond the tangled days when people wallowed through life with vague and mediocre goals, sometimes never discovering their purpose. I could never imagine that—here, now, is better. [It sounds like she's saying that she can't imagine that the 'here, now' is better. I'd separate them into different sentences: 'I could never imagine that;/. Here, now, is better.']

I take a breath. Of course they don’t make mistakes. Whatever Vita I am given, I was meant to have.

A culinary aide appears to clear my plate. Gazes flit quickly around the table. It is almost time. I lock eyes with Kalor again. He is smiling, a smile that says he is ready to take on whatever challenge his Vita will bring.

Jewla grabs my hand. “Are you ready for this?” Sshe asks.

“Not really.,” I say, smiling. Jewla is so sweet,; I’m sure that she will be able to do good for a lot of people.

The Commemorator stands, and all sounds fall into silence like a splash, there and gone [Think of better words to describe a splash?]. He is the spokesman of the Consilium, the face we all associate with the Receiving. He moves from the Officials' table up to the podium. “It is time to begin the Receiving.”

We will be called alphabetically by city, then in order of birth date. My parents wereare slotted the last birthdate among the Six [I don't get what this means. Did they pick out the MCs birthdate?]. I will be last among us. Yarmouth is pretty far down the list, but I know none of us mind. No one really wants to go first at the Receiving. What waits behind the red curtain on the stage is known only to those who have been through it. [So does she know or not because if they're only going to receive their color and that's it someone can easily tell younger kids and whatnot what they experienced.]

The Commemorator looks out into the room. “Cassia.” A pretty name. Close to mine in the name index. I wonder if my parents considered it when petitioning a name for me [Is talking about the names here necessary?]. A girl in the back of the room stands. Platinum blonde hair reflects the light back like silk. Her footsteps echo as she walks down the aisle splitting the room. She stops on the last step before the curtain, breathing [Breathing deeply? Everyone breathes. What else would she be doing?]. What will it be like, I wonder? The last moment before you know your future?

Cassia disappears behind the velvet curtain. There is a tangible vibration in the air; too many scattered thoughts at once. [I find this odd. It's not like you can feel/hear people thinking. Also the sense of air vibrating and then mentioning silence in the following sentence doesn't flow well to me.] Strained silence. The air seems tight , because everyone is holding it in. A minute passes. The curtains rustles, and Cassia emerges, a thick blue stripe decorating her skin. [You mean her collarbone right? Shouldn't you mention that?]

“Introducing Cassia Blue.” The Commemorator announces, and the entire room bursts into applause, relief flooding the atmosphere like ice water. Blue. Sciences. I wonder what it is. [What what is?]

I wish they would announce the Vitas, but they are personal for who you choose to tell [Last part is confusing. 'they are personal for who you choose to tell' that makes no sense. Maybe you could say 'but they are only known to those whom you choose to tell.' Though I don't get the significance of this sentence either way. She wishes they would announce the vitas.. then you say that everyone tells them anyway and that everyone pretty much knows everyone else's. Plus in the following paragraph it seems like she knows what each color stands for anyway.] Although, I’ve never met anyone who has kept their Vita a secret. Within a few days everyone within Yarmouth’s fence will know our Vitas. Word spreads like wildfire when a new Vitae class returns. We will be class 326. [Also if the vitas are not announced, and no one's supposed to know what they mean, then what is the point in introducing the people once their color is chosen? I might be missing something here but I don't get it.]

Now the participants eagerly approach the curtain and spill back out. Black: Government; Purple: Music; Green: Arts; White: Service; Red: Dangerous Professions; Yellow: Agriculture; Orange: Military; Blue: Science; Gray: Specialty. There are those that are rarer, but they only occur once in ten generations. They may actually be myth. The colors parade through the curtain in a cascade. Only three times do we have to stop. [I would specify that they approach the curtains as their names are called. Sounds like they've lined up. Also I do not think it's a good idea to dump all these colors all at once. You can mention these later when her friends get called up and explain what each color they've been appointed stands for then. Because while reading this I kept having to scroll up to see what the color meant. And the colors that don't get chosen by her friends you can always mention later.]

A pretty, brown-haired girl had disappeared through the curtain. A small light illuminated on the podium. I could barely glimpse it from where I sat. It could have been a hallucination. “I regret to inform you that Merina has been declared Blank. She has been removed from Society, and her name will be withheld for three generations.”

There is a collective gasp. Blank. This is our first. Illness, perversion, innate resistance, all three things can make you Blank [...Is that it? Is it only one of those things or a combination of the three? Then why was she so worried? Shouldn't it be obvious if these apply to someone?]. It wouldn’t be so disconcerting if anyone knew what happened to them. Those who are blank never come back through that curtain. Another name is called, and the parade resumes, rapidly approaching my own entrance. Will I ever come back out?

I steal a glance at Kalor, and blush to find him looking back. There is intensity there. Curiosity, confidence… rebellion? I silently vow to get him alone and ask him what happened to him, why tonight he seems like he’s different. [I don't think I'm following. Why is he feeling rebellious? And since we don't know what he's like usually there's no indication that he's 'different'. I mean he's just sitting there playing eye-tag with her. What's unusual about that? And how is it different from his usual behavior?]

The six of us sit up straighter as the last person from Virginia Beach is called. Now it is our turn.

“Jewla.” She sends a weak smile to us as she leaves and disappears behind the red velvet. “Introducing Jewla White.” [Here you can say what these colors correspond to.]

“Romana.” Blue. [How come she's the only one you don't say 'introducing romana blue?']

“Dalion.” Dalion removes his suit jacket as he stands up, unbuttoning the shirt as he climbs the few steps. “Introducing Dalion Red.” A nerve-wracking match. Dalion is one of only a handful of reds tonight.

“Corone.” He disappears. “Introducing Corone Black.” That’s weird. Corone really thought he was going to be Orange. His aptitude proved greatest in that area. The insidious whisper comes again [What whisper? If you're talking about her thoughts of doubt of the Consilium, specify that. Also you don't have to ask the question again 'do they make mistakes'. Just by saying 'weird he thought he'd be orange' already tells us she's doubting them again and the audience will feel it too.]. Does the Consilium make mistakes?

“Kalor.” He looks at me as he removes his jacket, smiling. I feel warm. There is a sudden hitch in my throat as he disappears. What if that was the last time I’ll ever see him? Don’t be ridiculous. [I would italicize her thoughts so we can identify them more easily. It's different from narration.] There is no way possible Kalor is Blank [I don't get how you'd be able to tell if someone is Blank. I mean according to what you said up there.. if he's not ill, perverse or the other one then ... isn't it obvious that he's not going to be Blank?]. I am left in limbo a few seconds longer before the curtains part and I can breathe again. “Introducing Kalor Green.” He looks immediately to me, his eyes matching the new green stripe on his shoulder [Careful with wording. Shoulder and collarbone are two different areas]. I glance at it, the strong line of his collarbone underlying the color.

“Calista.” My breath hitches again. That’s me. I feel myself standing [Can't you just say 'I stand'] as I look at my friend’s [Friend's or friends?] encouraging smiles. I read the most in Kalor’s eyes [She read the most what in his eyes? Do you mean she sees the most encouragement from Kalor's eyes? You can't smile with your eyes.]. Go, you’ll be fine. [Italicize.]

I feel like I am walking in a fishbowl [I don't get this metaphor... Do you mean she feels like she's walking in water or something?] as I mount the steps. The skin on my shoulder tingles in anticipation of the burn. Does the Consilium make mistakes?

I reach my hands out to part the curtain, and I have a flash [See a flash? A flash of memory? It is a memory not a literal flash.]. Something I saw on a mandatory broadcast—something a resistor was screaming as they were taking him away. ‘To stake the value of your existence on one moment is too high a price to pay!’ About to part this life-changing curtain, I think I finally understand what he meant. Or he could have been crazy. He was a resistor after all.

The velvet of the curtain is thick and soft and has enough weight to bring my mind back to the moment. I feel my heart pumping in my wrists [This doesn't feel realistic. I understand saying you feel it in your rib cage, as your heart is there but not in your wrists.]. I focus on the fabric of my dress brushing my calves, on what the feeling of a hundred eyes boring into my back, then I’m through.

All ambient sound closes off [saying closes off sounds weird. 'falling away' or just simply saying it becomes silent will do.] with the falling of the curtain. Soundproof velvet [I don't think it's necessary to say soundproof. It's quiet now. We get it.]surrounds me on all four sides of the small room. It is lush, and stark. Such a deep red isn’t often used to coat an entire room. Is that to make us feel comfortable? Safe? [Don't get why the color of the room/curtains have to do with anything... much less feeling safe. We already know they're red from previous mention. Let's just move on.] Can you be safe in a place that makes mistakes? [Yeah this is kind of grating on the mind. Best to only mention the mistakes thing once. Plus if these are being chosen for them it's not really a mistake is it? It's a decision.. but whether or not they truly choose the most appropriate one is the question to be doubtful of.]

A woman with a swirl of auburn hair is sitting behind a desk, and two medical aides are standing to the side. One holds the marker, and one holds the syringe with the pain medication. I notice the woman’s eyes as I approach. A peculiar, clear green. Like apples. Her top slips off her shoulder exhibiting her own stripe: Black. I may have imagined her mouth quirking up a bit before she speaks the future. “Calista, you have been designated as Clear.”

My stomach drops out from under me. “Clear?” Not Blank!

“Yes. What you are being given, Calista, is very rare. You are very rare. Your Vita is an intangible.”

An intangible. Something that cannot be concretely quantified. [Do you mean to say that this vita has no specifics about it? It could mean what she wants it to mean? Define it better.] Intangibles are a myth. So I have always been told, the rarest of the rare. [Right... Don't know what you mean by intangible.. Also should intangible be capitalized? It sounds like a title.] The woman is still speaking. “There has not been a cClear designation is over a hundred years. Please do not take this responsibility lightly.”

“Why?” I blurt out, and her eyes narrow. “Why me?”

She smiles. It is a gesture that offers no comfort. “There are things about you that are… shall we say, different?” She cocks an eyebrow. “Surely you’ve noticed.” [Well the audience hasn't. So this means nothing to us. We just know that she probably likes Kalor and that she likes to touch her dress a lot. I understand though that seeing as they're at a ceremony we'll have to wait until later to get a true glimpse of what makes her special.]

“No.” I whisper, painfully aware that every second I spend behind this curtain puts my friends into further agony.

“We believe your calling in life will be different. You may change the world for future generations of the Marked.” Her voice is like the one that comes over the loudspeaker during emergency drills. Everyone stay calm. Everything is going to be alright. The Consilium will keep you safe. [Italicize.]

She waves at the aides, who hurry to me. The first holds the machine to my left shoulder. It molds to my skin from the juncture of my neck to the edge of my shoulder. The second draws medication out of a bottle. The machine whirs, and my skin is lit with a searing burn, followed by a pinch in my arm and it is gone before I even have a chance to cry out. I turn, and in a mirror, I see my mark [Should this be capitalized?]. It is transparent, and iridescent,: a moon-like shadow of a mark. Beautiful, mysterious, unique. [and unique.]

“Calista.” The woman says. I meet her eyes. “Your Vita is happiness.” [Is this what you meant by saying that nobody knows what anyone else's is? You should give an example earlier on.]

A word. Just a word. “Thank you.” I say, and I turn to the curtain, to the real word. This is just a dream.

“Wait a moment.” I turn around and see the woman moving toward me from behind the desk. She extends a hand to me. “On behalf of the Consilium I would like to congratulate you on your Vita, and offer a word of caution.” Her hand tightens on mine. I try to think of it as friendly pressure, but it feels menacing. “Remember than a Clear designation has very little color. From there it is only a short step to no color at all.” [What's the point of saying this? Is it a threat? Does that mean they could have made her Blank if they wanted to? And they didn't for some reason? Is the MC aware of this or not?]

I nod. My heart pounds, and my adrenaline level is twice what it was when I walked in. I can barely keep myself from shaking. She lets go of my hand. I force myself through the curtain.

There is no applause. No sound. The atmosphere is stiller than the sky before a storm. I know they can’t see the mark. I can barely see it. They are wondering why a blank person is back through the curtain. Even the Commemorator seems stunned, before I see another light on the podium spring to life. Not the one for Blanks, but it is right next to it, an inch away. “Introducing Calista Clear.”

I look to my friends, and see Kalor smiling. His eyes are telling me he knew I was special. I smile back. I have to smile. What else is there to do?
Then there is applause. It rumbles. I am a living myth now. I am unsure how to feel as I make my way back to my seat. What does this mean? How can this have freed me and caged me at the same time? The want me to pursue Happiness,; I can do whatever I want to be happy. Can you be happy when you are under pressure to be? How close to Blank am I? [Thought we established that she's pretty close.]

The swirling in my head makes my brain ache. But a small voice, one that has spoken since she told me my Vita still breaks through. It is clearer than all the others, though I try to block it out. It rings like crystal through all the other questions. What is Happiness?

~~~

Okay don't freak out I know I wrote a lot. I do like the direction this is going. This is the first chapter so of course there are more questions than answers. I would also say to watch your spelling and words you're supposed to capitalize like someone else mentioned. I'll admit since you mentioned Blank so much I almost wanted her to be Blank just so I'd find out what happens to them (since you say nobody knows) but Clear since it's never previously mentioned is kinda like a shot from the dark because we didn't know it existed before. So here we are being so focused on Blank and bam it's Clear! So maybe when you talk about the myth ones you could mention Clear there? Just a suggestion. Anyway you have an interesting idea here, and even though I was confused many times by what's going on and the odd sentences here and there I did want to continue reading so I suppose that's a good thing for you. Good luck I hope this helps!