Need help on a sales pitch for another book

[longknife]

Okay, need some more help.

FOLLOW THE RAVEN, 115k a mixture of fantasy and science fiction.

Bad gods try to control the world of Midgard.

Good gods try to stop them but hold back as their parents say they can't meddle in the affairs of Midgard.

Young boy learns he's not a shepherd but a prince who will gain special talents/powers on this 15th birthday.

An evil priestess seeks him on behalf of the bad gods and, when the man he knows as his father doesn't turn him over, the priestess has he and his wife whipped to death. Eigan, the boy, watches in a magical mirror he gets from an old recluse who turns out to be a wizard, the last of his kind.

Eigan confronts Earth Mother who tells him he must follow her messenger raven. He flees with the wizard, discovering he can communicate with his sheepdog. They reach a town far away where they enter a burrow occupied by a dwarf. The dwarf desires to help as he, as well as all the magic inhabitants of the world, knows Eigan is destined to stop what the bad gods are doing.

From there, Eigan sets out to face bounty hunters, huge monsters trying to kill him and a confrontation with the good gods. They tell him his quest is just started and he must carry through to a volcano on an island of ice spewing the evil clouds that are covering the world to shut the seals between worlds and completely do away with magic and mythical creatures.

Along the way, he comes to the aid of a young lass beset by evil men trying to steal one of her uncle's cows. It turns out the uncle is also an evil man and, when he tries to capture Eigan for the bounty, the girl warns him so he can escape. Instead of accepting her aunt's punishment, she packs her few things to follow Eigan.

Eigan next learns that his grandparents, the king and queen of a land in the north of Ascoten, are losing control to an evil son who was responsible for the death of Eigan's mother and father. He travels to that land, removes his grandmother from the convent she's been exiled to and takes her to join the king. Eigan then fights his uncle to secure his grandparents on the throne.

The bad gods send a tiny robot to the castle where it injects Eigan with a viral disease. The wizard and the girl struggle to save Eigan, using a magical amulet he's been given.

They then find a ship willing to take them further. With a sea serpent guide, they cross icy seas to Ice Island and Thunder Mountain where the evil priestess awaits them. They win through, Eigan slightly wounded, to enter a cavern where they face an ice dragon. Eigan, with the girl's help, slays the dragon, receiving a serious wound in the melee. With her own blood, the girls mixes a concotion to heal the wound on Eigan's side. But, the quest is not yet over as they are confronted by flying creatures and find they must cross a bridge of ice.

Through, Eigan meets fairies, pixies, Tangies, a troll, fauns and centaurs, along with monsters of all types.

And, safe in their domes on the surface of the moon, the gods, in truth children of highly advanced scientests responsible for the creation of Midgard, watch and conspire - intently hope Eigan can undo what their cousins are causing.

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After the above, review this blurb for a back cover or publcity and tell me what it needs:

Sullen clouds hang over Medigar. Lush meadows where faries, elves, gnomes, fauns and centaurs gamboled now lie dull and covered in ash.

Eigan, son of Medoc, contentedly tends his father's sheep. An evil priestess comes, seeking his blood. His companions are his sheepdog and a feeble old recluse, the last Draêos from the Old World. Eigan then must watch in a magic mirror as the priestess orders his mother and father lashed to death by her fearsome warriors. Earth Mother appears and orders Eigan to face certain death in order to restore what meddlesome gods have destroyed.

His goal is to enter the heart of an erupting volcano to face an ice dragon after confronting monsters and an evil uncle. Gaining through, he must place his magical amulet of Madrigan, the Triple Goddess, on an altar to stop the flow of dark power covering the world.

The gods watch what passes through their magic viewers, sitting comfortably in clear bubbles on Medigar's moon.

FOLLOW THE RAVEN, a mixture of fantasy and science fiction will fill the reader with the bravery of one who must repair what the gods messed up.

[sierramcconnell]

I've been told in my many queries that I put too much stuff in. This is, I think, what you're doing.

You need to distance yourself from the story. You appear to want to tell us everything about it. Don't. Just the bare stuff. The stuff that makes us want to read it. That's what a back of the book pitch is. We don't need all the details.

if you have a collection of books at home that you've read, I suggest you skim those backs to see what they told you, compared to the details in the book. It'll help a lot. :)

[Quill]

It is not clear what you are trying to accomplish. By "sales pitch" are you going for a verbal blurb you will take to a pitch-palooza type of writers conference? Or are you essentially trying to produce a query letter? A synopsis? And by your book cover text are you suggesting that you will be self-publishing? Why are you trying to produce flap copy? How will you use this "publicity" blurb? Have you queried this manuscript yet?

I suggest you sharpen your focus before soliciting feedback, and then post something in the Feedback section of these forums for critique.

Good luck with your project!

[longknife]

Thanks for the comments

[longknife]

Well, as indicated above, thanks for the comments.
Here's what I've decided to go with:

He's left without a home. He watches his parents slain by an evil priestess. He flees all he knows, accompanied by his sheepdog and a wizened, often addled, recluse. He's armed with his staff. a sling, a sword he doesn't know how to use and an amulet emblazoned with the sign of Madrigan, the Triple Goddess. He learns he's not who he thinks he is but someone fated to carry out a perilous quest to undo what evil gods have caused.

FOLLOW THE RAVEN is the saga of Eigan ap Farnin, a youth of Medigar destined to learn great truths to include to realty of magic and the many mythical creatures that once and now hiddenly inhabit his world.

[sierramcconnell]

Have you read any queries? Any blurbs?

It would help so much if you had. Because you're still just telling us about the book in a very bland fashion.

Try starting with just one sentence. Then expand from that with only the bare bones of the story. The point of a sales pitch is to make people want to read more.

He's left without a home. He watches his parents slain by an evil priestess. He flees all he knows, accompanied by his sheepdog and a wizened, often addled, recluse. He's armed with his staff. a sling, a sword he doesn't know how to use and an amulet emblazoned with the sign of Madrigan, the Triple Goddess. He learns he's not who he thinks he is but someone fated to carry out a perilous quest to undo what evil gods have caused.

Who? You need to introduce your character first. Also, you missed a comma. We don't need to know what he's armed with unless it's magical, and stand that out if so. If he doesn't know how to use the sword, why? Is this important? Make the amulet the important thing.

//He's gifted\given\entrusted with the amulet of Madrigan.// Short and sweet is what you're going for. Do not infodump.

As for the rest, wow, you ruined the story, thanks, I don't need to read the book. :3

//Eigan learns a secret about his past that brings him closer to peril in a quest to undo what the evil gods have done.//

Though I would reword it to maybe give more impact.

FOLLOW THE RAVEN is the saga of Eigan ap Farnin, a youth of Medigar destined to learn great truths to include to realty of magic and the many mythical creatures that once and now hiddenlyinhabit his world.

Put that first, not at the end. And 'once and now hiddenly' makes no sense. They either do or don't.

Ah, and I just noticed...

Saga? Those are usually LONG. Be wary of using that because that might frighten people. Sagas are HUGE books that take a lot of investment. Think Marion Zimmer Bradley and so on. BIG. Tome. LARGE.

And from what we've read, it's not going to be a fun read. No offense. It just seems as if it might need a good edit and shine.

[Quill]

Well, as indicated above, thanks for the comments.
Here's what I've decided to go with:

He's left without a home. He watches his parents slain by an evil priestess. He flees all he knows, accompanied by his sheepdog and a wizened, often addled, recluse. He's armed with his staff. a sling, a sword he doesn't know how to use and an amulet emblazoned with the sign of Madrigan, the Triple Goddess. He learns he's not who he thinks he is but someone fated to carry out a perilous quest to undo what evil gods have caused.

FOLLOW THE RAVEN is the saga of Eigan ap Farnin, a youth of Medigar destined to learn great truths to include to realty of magic and the many mythical creatures that once and now hiddenly inhabit his world.

Beware of cliche; "he flees all he knows"; ALL he knows? He flees 2+2=4 and the fact that water flows downhill?

Watch the typos: "realty of magic" sounds like a house or other property is involved. "He's armed with his staff. a sling" is incoherent with the period there instead of a comma.

Remove unneeded phrases: "He learns he is fated" rather than "He learns he's not who he thinks he is but someone fated".