Earth to Sirius

[Down the well]

I'm seeing a few problems here, Mudpuppy. First, there's no mention of a title anywhere in your query. Second, I have no idea what age group you are targeting. Is this meant to be a short story collection for toddlers? Grade-school children? Adults? Help me out. And what about word count? Or at the very least you should tell us the number of stories in the collection. These are things that matter to an agent. Lastly, there are a few grammatical gremlins lurking in your sentences. For instance, you can't have "a huge affection toward" someone that is "easily seen to everyone". You might want to simply say: Shelby loved Sirius, though he was often the last to notice such things.

In all honesty, I don't really know the proper way to query a short story collection. I'm not sure if you should highlight one or two stories or simply describe the collection as a whole. I like that you've incorporated some of your voice here, and Sirius sounds like an adorable character, but I'm afraid I was left scratching my head after reading this. Maybe someone who has queried a story collection will chime in.

[glj]

This has some promise of a fun story. But it could come out better in your query. As in the common writing critique, you are telling more than showing.

And don't ask rhetorical questions. They give the reader the feeling that you as the writer either don't want to reveal what happens in your story, or that they have to do the work of puzzling it out. Neither will sell your story. Show a compelling main character and a compelling plot.


Some dragons have brains, others have brawn. However, Sirius the dragon has neither of these things. I hope you plan on formatting the query, as this run-together appearance is not easily readable and looks hastily done and sloppy.
Let’s face it, how many dragons can you name that can “blabber” a knight into submission? Show us this! It could be great fun. Or drive a might giant A what? into the nut house? Some of us know what happens when you give a mouse a cookie, but Sirius learns the hard way what happens when you give a kraken cheese. Again, show us this, at least a little, tantalizing taste. What does happen when you give a kraken some cheese? This sounds like it could be very humorous and fun, so don't waste the opportunity to hook the reader's interest.
Yes, it seems that Sirius can sometimes get into situations that even he can’t save himself from, If you show us this, then you can re-word along the lines of "Sirius talent for getting into trouble annoys his best female friend ..." much to the annoyance of his best female friend Shelby the sea dragon who is a reoccurring character You are stepping out of telling the story to give us authorial information. It would be like Neo freezing the martial arts fight in the Matrix to look into the camera and say "See that bullet I stopped in mid-air? Cool, huh?" Separate the story paragraphs from the details. in most of the stories. Also, she has a huge affection towards him that is easily seen to everyone expect for Sirius himself. Awkward. Why not something like "But despite Shelby's frustration, she has an affection for Sirius that is seen by everyone--except Sirius."
Each story is about 3-6 pages long each with references to myths, legends, fairytales, fables, and folktales from many different cultures. Needed? Not really. Just sell the story. A small portion of the stories can be seem on the literary magazine TeenInk’s website. However, I have written several more that are unpublished. It is my understanding that agents don't give a damn about unpublished materials. Don't say this.

[allegedauthor]

I think glj is right on the money with comments. That being said, I believe this to be a very interesting take on a concept that's been driven into the ground. It could make for some VERY interested agents once you nail down the query!