Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*

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fishfood
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Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*

Post by fishfood » November 2nd, 2010, 9:40 pm

Thanks for all your help!
REVISION #2 as of 3/13/11:


In a Kingdom feared for its powerful army, Lucas is highly ranked among the King’s Elite officers. His devotion is proudly given to the formidable ruler, a man he fights with side by side, but his heart belongs to Adelais. She’s the girl of his youth never shrinking from his boyish taunts. The woman who possesses in spirit what he has in strength. When they wed, Lucas holds sacred Adelais’ vow to never love another. Yet as he leaves for war, that promise is threatened when someone else stays behind—the King.

After months at battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitors of the King. They need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. He’s shown intercepted orders from the King intended for his top general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child. The enemy fakes Lucas’ death while keeping him prisoner, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless when Adelais hastily marries the King. Blind with devastation, he helps plot a vengeful war.

The stage is set for attack—until Lucas discovers the truth behind Adelais’ betrayal. Trapped in a fatal game for power, he must find a way out. Otherwise the only woman he’s ever loved is the one he’ll be responsible for killing.

At 117,000 words, COVET is a re-telling of King David and Bathsheba as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
-----------------------------------------

It's much more fun and less terrifying to critique everyone else's queries! I'm hoping some of you can pick up on things I'm blind to as the author. I do have several versions, but this one seemed to fit the "romance query" prototype the best even though the novel isn't a strict romance. I hope it's not too synops-ish. Thanks in advance, and please let me know if I can return the favor. :)

Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children. But because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another.

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunate for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.The enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
Last edited by fishfood on April 4th, 2011, 10:54 pm, edited 14 times in total.

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wilderness
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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by wilderness » November 2nd, 2010, 11:28 pm

fishfood wrote:It's much more fun and less terrifying to critique everyone else's queries!
Isn't it? Hope you get the insight you're looking for!
fishfood wrote: Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas. Not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children, but because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. I like the whimsy introduced by the stuffed frogs. The rest of the query is so serious, so it's a nice touch. Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another.

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. A little yoda-ish. How about "Lucas doesn't fear death, he fears losing Adelais". If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured bytraitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Passive voice. Fortunately for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. I don't think you need that sentence, it's editorializing He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.The enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Are the enemies who captured him the ones who showed him the order of execution? How about "They show him an order the king..." to be explicit. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal. This is intriguing, but would it be MORE intriguing if you let us know why she did it?


Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
Nice start. We do get a good sense of the plot & conflict here. I think you could smooth out some of the sentence transitions and spice it up a little. Also, the first paragraph is from Adelais' POV, so I wonder if you should bring it back to her at some point. Good luck!
Last edited by wilderness on November 2nd, 2010, 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by airball » November 2nd, 2010, 11:29 pm

fishfood wrote:It's much more fun and less terrifying to critique everyone else's queries! I'm hoping some of you can pick up on things I'm blind to as the author. I do have several versions, but this one seemed to fit the "romance query" prototype the best even though the novel isn't a strict romance. I hope it's not too synops-ish. Thanks in advance, and please let me know if I can return the favor. :)

Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children. But because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another.
Could be a genre thing, but this seems a bit overwritten. He's a soldier, not a trained killer, and unless he's tremendously clumsy, he's not always a step away from death. Can you just say that being a soldier is a dangerous profession for a small nation surrounded by enemies?

Did she not love him until he asked her to marry him?

fishfood wrote:Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.
A few continuity issues here. At the end of the previous para, they're not married. You've also shifted the POV from Adelais to Lucas - I would suggest keeping it on her. The transition to the king is awkward. Keep the focus on Adelais.
fishfood wrote:During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunately for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.The enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen. [/color]

Even though I know this story, I became very confused here. Who captures Lucas? Foreign enemies? Why do they need his skills? And how would this work? How did these people get the order? When did she get pregnant? The plotting just seems very convoluted.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
Again, this is not my genre, but this last bit seems pretty far-fetched. He's a soldier, not a general, so what does he have to offer the enemy?

More importantly, I don't know who the main character is. It the outset, it's her, but she disappears pretty quickly. Will your audience want a male protagonist? (Honest question.)

Out of curiosity, why not make it an explicit re-telling of the David/Bathsheba story from her perspective. I'm not sure what fictionalizing it adds, and the retelling in itself would be pretty cool. The Red Tent kind of did this, but there's always room for more in that genre.

Good luck!
Sam Thomas
Author of The Midwife's Story: A Mystery due out from St. Martin's Press in 2013
Website: http://www.samthomasbooks.com
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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by thewhipslip » November 3rd, 2010, 6:53 pm

I agree that there needs to be MC clarification. Even if you use multiple POV, it's usually better to focus on one in the query for clarity.

Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children Nice detail. But because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another.

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears Here's where you switch POV, and it stay with Lucas so I can only assume that the majority of the novel lies with him. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King. How high up in the chain is Lucas? If he's a low soldier, then why would the King be anywhere near Adelais? If not, then the threat is a little bigger...

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunate for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.The enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal. Just a suggestion, but you may have a more compelling query from Adelais' perspective (that is if the novel has her POV in it). Share with us the reason for her betrayal, if that's the case.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.[/quote]
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by ABFTomioka » November 3rd, 2010, 8:35 pm

I LOVE the idea for this novel! It is absolutely the kind of thing I would buy - a classic story retold with a twist. Really fantastic! The query is great, too. I only have a couple of suggestions:

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children. But he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death, and she knows she could not stand to worry every day whether or not her husband would come home....(or something like that, so we know why she is upset at the idea of loving a solider.) Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais knows her heart will never belong to another.

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. I might rephrase that sentance slightly....for example: His only nightmare is losing Adelais. If that happened, there would be no end to his madness and despair. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.

During battle, Lucas is captured by traitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunately for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.Though the enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, Lucas considers himself dead regardless when news arrives of Adelais’ swift marriage to the King. Blind with rage, Lucas aids his captors in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Ooh, this just looks amazing! I hope you get some good news soon because I can't wait to buy this book.
Best of luck!

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by fishfood » November 3rd, 2010, 9:10 pm

Hi! Thanks you so much for the feedback, very much appreciated. :D

Okay, maybe I can have some opinions weigh in on the following issues if any of you are inclined to bear with me!

1) I do have a version that is specifically from Lucas' pov. The reason I did two distinct POVs was because I was trying to follow the "romance query" rules where typically you have the two love interests perspectives in the query. However, you all brought up a great point that the query never totally ties back into Adelais' POV. I will try to draft a version exclusively from Adelais' POV...the more I think about it, that might be the better way to go...I initially stayed away from it because it involved explaining her "betrayal" and I didn't want to go there in the query. Any people good at romance queries think an agent would be turned off by reading one exclusively from the male's POV? Is there a preference?

2) I definitely need to clarify Lucas' status in the army if I stick with his POV. I will make it clear that he is very high ranking. He's not a typical soldier, but part of an exclusive "club" so to speak of highly trained soldiers and that he has a very close relationship with the King. Think Navy SEALS, I guess!

3) If I explain Adelais betrayal, I give away the crux of the story that I was hoping would entice the reader/agent to want to read to the book--again if I stick with Lucas' POV. I was advised to stay away from making it into a synopsis. Otherwise if I write the entire query from Adelais, it will obviously explain it.

4) Airball: you brought up the issue of the King David/Bathsheba re-telling. I read The Red Tent actually for the very reason you mentioned it years ago when I wrote the first draft of this story! I researched and struggled with doing an accurate re-telling, but in the end really enjoyed writing fairy-tale/fantasy. And because I was significantly departing from Biblical history by having Uriah (Lucas) live and take revenge on what he is decieved into thinking is his wife's betrayal, I wasn't going to risk the ire of Bible lovers out there (me being one of them ;) ). Plenty of people squawked about The Red Tent taking too many liberties and I thought it was an awesome historical novel. With that in mind, do I even query it as a David/Bathsheba re-telling, or is it better to say something like it's THE PRINCESS BRIDE meets BRAVEHEART?

Thanks again for all your help! You guys rock! :)

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by wordranger » November 3rd, 2010, 10:52 pm

Ugh! Don't you just HATE queries?

Okay, I'm not going to go line by line, because I think others have done a pretty good job of that. These are my overall impressions:

The first paragraph didn't really make sense to me. I loved the part about the frogs. The whole soldier description didn't make sense though. The soldier is the hero, but you make him sound like a really bad person.

A agree with ABF's re-write on the second paragraph. I felt a little let down, though, by the "someone else stays behind—the King". You were probably trying for something dramatic here, but without knowing the king, this doesn't really work.

I think there is way too much going on in the third paragraph. I think you may have called me on this in my query. It's hard to spot when it's your own writing. Try to cut it down a little, or just stick to the main point.

Just an observation... Are we supposed to like Lucas? I had an uneasy feeling about him in the first paragraph, and now he is plotting to kill the woman he loves? I'm not really liking this guy.

"The Secret behind his wife's betrayal" is supposed to be the hook, I think, but it doesn't really "hook" me. I think you need to give a hint to the secret. Is she a spy? Is she working in a plot to thwart the King? If so, this would be more interesting than just leaving it hanging. I don't know the story of King David and Basheba, obviously... If I did, I might know your hook. I wouldn't depend on everyone knowing what that story is about.

Sounds like a good story, though. The query, I have learned, is harder than writing the stinking novel. Give this another whirl or two, and try to remember that we don't know these characters yet. (Easier said than done... I am having this problem myself)

Looking forward to your revise!
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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by Severus Lawliet » November 3rd, 2010, 11:29 pm

fishfood wrote:It's much more fun and less terrifying to critique everyone else's queries! I'm hoping some of you can pick up on things I'm blind to as the author. I do have several versions, but this one seemed to fit the "romance query" prototype the best even though the novel isn't a strict romance. I hope it's not too synops-ish. Thanks in advance, and please let me know if I can return the favor. :)

Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children.Lol, really cutesy! But because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. Yet when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another. Good, good. Intriguing to me. She doesn't want to love him because she doesn't want to lose him :)

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.Why does the king take an interest in Adelais?

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitorous enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunate for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.Aren't there a thousand women who want to sleep with the king? Why'd he choose her - I'm sure she's not the prettiest(right?).The enemy falsifies his death for their own gainhow is it their gain?, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen. Okay, but you tarnished our memory of Adelais now. I'm thinking she's a backstabbing ape(I struggle with mature sounding euphemisms) who never loved Lucas in the first place...

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.Wait wait wait -- how did Lucas start running things? So he's working for the other side now? Why is he now leading the war? Is he?

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and BathshebaI loooove this! This story retold makes a nice one. re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
hoped my comments helped :D
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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by D.Bond » November 8th, 2010, 12:14 am

Dear Agent,

Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children. Good image. But because he’s a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, a trained killer always a step away from death. Does this kingdom have a lot of enemies? Yet, when Lucas asks her to be his wife, Adelais also knows her heart will never belong to another.

Though he risks his life serving his Kingdom, death is not what Lucas fears. We need a transition from Adelais to Lucas. If he ever lost Adelais, there would be no end to his madness. I like it, though the idea of madness from losing a lover is a bit cliche As he leaves his wife to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King. Kings stay behind quite often, so why is this important/odd?

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by traitorous enemies Enemies are generally traitorous to the place/person they are enemies of. of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. Fortunately for them, they know Lucas’ fatal weakness. He’s confronted with a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child. Since when? How long has he been gone? Or was she cheating with him there.The enemy falsifies his death for their own gain, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless after swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with rage, he aids them in a plot to destroy the King and his new Queen. This is a good hook. You could probably turn this into a hook line in the beginning.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal. Great ending line.

This is a really good novel concept. I hope everything goes well (though your word count might cause a few problems. I'm not sure about historical, so I could be completely out of my mind with that.) :)

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Re: Romance Query: COVET * Revision posted at end*

Post by fishfood » November 8th, 2010, 2:44 pm

Thank you D.Bond, wordranger, Severus Lawliet, ABFTomioka for the latest suggestions and encouragement!

D.Bond--yes, the word count could very well be a dealbreaker right away. The first draft was 166,000, then it went down to 123,000 and I'm stuck at 117,000. I've read two agents in particular that don't have a problem with querying romance up to 120,000. The other agents say while they raise their brows at anything over 100K, they don't automatically reject--IF the query is strong.

Well, I went back to my original query version from only Lucas' pov. The consensus was it didn't work with both POVs, probably because of the nature of the story. It's not a typical romance, and very plot driven. I think by having it from Lucas' pov, I might have clarified some issues. I didn't end up using all the suggestions since opinions varied, but they were extremely valuable--so thank you!

REVISION 11/8

Dear Agent,

Lucas has always loved Adelais. Even as a boy when she’d kick his shins for stuffing frogs down her smock.

It’s best she knows nothing of this love; he could never make her happy. As a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, Lucas is a highly ranked and highly trained killer, apt to be gone for years at a time. His devotion to the King—a man he fights with side by side—comes first. But when Adelais confesses her love for Lucas, he cannot bear to have her as anything less than his wife. On their wedding night, he holds sacred the promise her heart will never belong to another. Yet as he leaves Adelais to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. They show him a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child.

The enemy falsifies Lucas’ death while keeping him prisoner, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless when swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with devastation, he helps lead in their plot to destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.

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Re: Romance Query: COVET * Revision posted at end*

Post by priya g. » November 9th, 2010, 4:02 am

fishfood wrote: Dear Agent,

Lucas has always loved Adelais. Even as a boy when she’d kick his shins for stuffing frogs down her smock. GOOD HOOK
It’s best she knows nothing of this love; he could never make her happy.As a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, Lucas is a highly ranked and highly trained killer, apt to be gone for years at a time. His devotion to the King—a man he fights with side by side—comes first.NOW INTRODUCE THAT ADELAIS SHOULD BE WARY OF HIS LOVE AND THE INTENSITY But when Adelais confesses her love for Lucas, he cannot bear to have her as anything less than his wife. On their wedding night, he holds sacred the promise her heart will never belong to another. Yet as he leaves Adelais to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King. THIS LAST SENTENCE SEEMS OUT OF CONTEXT- PARTLY BECAUSE THERE SEEMS NOTHING OF THE KING THAT RELATES TO ADELAIS.

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by enemies of the King who need the soldier’s inside military knowledge and lethal skills. CHUNKY SENTENCE. CUT IT DOWN INTO TWO. EG ONE FOR HE IS CAPTURED- SHORT SENTENCE FOR EFFECT, SECOND SENTENCE FOR WHY They show him a stolen order from the King meant for his general. Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child. PERFECT BUT NOW I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS: WHAT IS LUCAS'S ACTUAL POST? IF HE IS HIGHLY RANKED, THEN CAN A GENERAL BE ABOVE HIM? SPECIFY HIS POST IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH.

The enemy falsifies Lucas’ death while keeping him prisoner, but Lucas considers himself dead regardless when swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King.THIS IS CHUNKY- CUT IT DOWN. JUST SAY THAT LUCAS IS NOT DEAD. Blind with devastation, he helps lead in their plot to destroy the King and his new Queen. PERFECT.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period.
this query is much clearer than before, I get the gist of the novel. all that is left is to put it in a less-complicated manner, to keep the feelings of the characters strong and not in conflict with others.
Waiting to see the next query!

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Re: Romance Query: COVET * Revision posted at end*

Post by Erin » November 9th, 2010, 3:16 pm

Dear Agent,

Lucas has always loved Adelais. Even as a boy when she’d kick his shins for stuffing frogs down her smock.

It’s best she knows nothing of this love; he could never make her happy. I agree with priya g. As a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, Lucas is a highly ranked and, highly trained killer, apt to be gone for years at a time. His devotion to the King—a man he fights with side by side—comes first. But when Adelais confesses her love for Lucas, he cannot bear to have her as anything less than his wife. On their wedding night, he holds sacred the promise her heart will never belong to another. Yet as he leaves Adelais to depart for war, someone else stays behind—the King.

During battle, Lucas is deceived and captured by enemies of the King who need the soldier’s his inside military knowledge and lethal skills. They show him a stolen (intercepted?) order from the King meant (intended?) for his top general. [If Lucas is high ranking, I would assume the order would go to the King's top general?] Orders to execute Lucas—because Adelais carries the King’s child. Although I really like the conflict, I stumbled a little with this. Not so much that she's pregnant, but how long was Lucas at war before he was captured? How long was he a prisoner before they show him the order to execute? Maybe a little timeline would give some context. Maybe instead of During battle, you could start with After six months of hard battle, ... (or whatever the time frame is)

The enemy falsifies (not sure falsifies works for me. Maybe fakes?) Lucas’ death while keeping him prisoner, but Lucas considers himself dead when swift news arrives of Adelais’ marriage to the King. Blind with devastation, he helps lead in their plot to agrees to help destroy the King and his new Queen.

The stage is set for a vengeful war—until Lucas discovers the truth behind his wife’s betrayal.

Complete at 117,000 words, COVET is King David and Bathsheba re-told as a historical romance set in a fictional time period. Possibly rework this sentence - I had to read it twice to get the meaning. [/quote]


I also paused at the word count. The story and query is good, but you might be limiting yourself with the word count. Have you had your MS critiqued or edited? A fresh set of eyes may help tighten the story. I feel your pain. Good luck!

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by Moni12 » November 9th, 2010, 4:33 pm

Not a critique, but I must say I didn't see the end coming with Lucas wanting to kill the king and queen. I'm not big on romance novels, but this one sounds unique compared to what is expected from the genre.

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Re: Romance Query: COVET

Post by fishfood » November 9th, 2010, 8:26 pm

Hi. Wow, thanks again for the feedback, Priya and Erin!

Glad you think placing that one sentence after introducing what Lucas does makes sense. I wasn't sure if it would flow, if I went from the hook to introducing what he does.

I will throw in a "after some months away during battle..." something like that to make it clear.

Falsifies, fakes? I wasn't sure if "fakes" sounded too informal for the tone.

I originally had "intercepted," but then thought stolen made more sense? Maybe I'll go back to intercepted...

I'm going to keep "helps lead the plot," to clarify his role only because another critiquer made note that Lucas' role wasn't evident in terms of whether he was leading the war or not.

As for the word count, I addressed the issue in an earlier post. It's undergone heavy editing by two separate parties. I considered it miraculous when I got it under 120K. There's no way I could get it down to 100K like I originally wanted, not even sure 110K is feasible. Even as I write this, I pause and wonder if I'm making excuses, but like Moni12 pointed out, this isn't a strict romance novel, it has the element of fantasy/action adventure which adds to the word count for world building. Choosing a genre was pretty difficult for me, but in the end, it is a love story. Think THE PRINCESS BRIDE meets BRAVEHEART, I guess.

fishfood
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Re: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 2 on first post*

Post by fishfood » March 13th, 2011, 10:23 am

Lastest revision on first post.
You all are the best :)

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