The Coming YA

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shadow
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The Coming YA

Post by shadow » September 16th, 2010, 11:25 pm

This is just a small scene from chapter four. What I am mainly wandering about is the quality of the writing and grammar stuff...Rip Away! Also, I would love to know if I am telling too much..thanks!

Start to Chapter 4
Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertians doom and our victory!”

Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one and only top seeker!” Splatters of wine spilt as mugs shot up into the air, toasting.

Gabriel jumped off the table and his mug slipped out of his hold. “Damn...” Music started to play in the air and woman in small tops and skirts covered in tiny bells came in to dance. Gabriel moved through the massive crowd, searching for Serianna. “Serianna?” Gabriel bellowed over the noise of the ceremony. A hand waved in the air and Gabriel pushed through the sweaty crowd of his men to get to her. He smiled at the sight of her long blonde locks that surrounded her angelic face like a halo. “Serianna!”

She ran into his arms and Gabriel picked her up, twirling her around. Her silk white dress twirled along with the light outside breeze and her turquoise eyes shone like the sun’s rays. Gabriel put her down and kissed her lips, inhaling the soft scent of home. He missed it so much after being on the road. “It worked my angel, it worked.” He beamed like a child that had been playing in mud all day.

“It worked?”

Gabriel nodded, tucking a strand of his wavy hair behind his ear. “Nights and nights we waited until the right moment. It was perfect Serianna. You could tell by the way the stars shone that night. It was the day. We left one man to barricade the walls and he did it. There were no Lassertian warriors and only a girl merchant got in our way.”

“It worked!” Serianna squealed, kissing Gabriel. “Didn’t I tell you that it would work?”

“Oh, you should have seen it Serianna. It was amazing, the inside of their settlement. Scary, dark, dead…Beautiful.”

“Gabriel, man up and drink some wine!” Saris handed Gabriel a mug of wine and patted him on the back. “This is your victory Gab, now we just have to wait.”

“Well then wait we will.” Gabriel brought the mug to his lips.

“And celebrate!” Serianna hugged him from behind.

Will post more if needed and can't wait to hear your comments. If you would like to swap critique give me a link to your excerpt and I will give my critique in exchange :)
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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sgf
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by sgf » September 17th, 2010, 1:25 am

Heya Shadow,

I thought this was overall a pretty smooth read. I didn't have a lot to rip apart, but I did have some comments. Overall, I liked the descriptions, there was little tell vs. show, and the dialogue was good.



Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertians is there an apostrophe missing here? doom and our victory!”

Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one and only top seeker!” Splatters of wine spilt as mugs shot up into the air, toasting.

Gabriel jumped off the table and his mug slipped out of his hold. “Damn...” Music started to play in the air and woman women? in small tops and skirts covered in tiny bells came in to dance. This, I think, is a subtle example of telling. Showing it would be something like: women... danced into the hall, their breasts jiggling in their small tops, and the tiny bells on their skirts jingling. Gabriel moved through the massive crowd, searching for Serianna. “Serianna?” I think if you have him call out her name, it implies that she's searching for Serianna, so mentioning it isn't necessary. Gabriel bellowed over the noise of the ceremony. A hand waved in the air and Gabriel pushed through the sweaty crowd of his men to get to her. He smiled at the sight of her long blonde locks that surrounded her angelic face like a halo. “Serianna!”

She ran into his arms and Gabriel picked her up, twirling her around. Her silk white dress twirled along with the light outside breeze and her turquoise eyes shone like the sun’s rays. this is a great description! Gabriel put her down and kissed her lips, inhaling the soft scent of home consider being more succinct here. Give the reader a specific smell. Otherwise, it's going to mean something different for each person who reads it (someone's home might smell like potpourri, another person's might smell like wet dogs, yet another's might smell like tomato soup, etc.) . He missed it so much after being on the road. “It worked my angel, it worked.” He beamed like a child that had been playing in mud all day.

“It worked?”

Gabriel nodded, tucking a strand of his wavy hair behind his ear. “Nights and nights we waited until the right moment. It was perfect comma missingSerianna. You could tell by the way the stars shone that night. It was the day. We left one man to barricade the walls and he did it. There were no Lassertian warriors and only a girl merchant got in our way.”

“It worked!” Serianna squealed, kissing Gabriel. “Didn’t I tell you that it would work?”

“Oh, you should have seen it Serianna. It was amazing, the inside of their settlement. Scary, dark, dead…Beautiful.” this is very nice dialogue, I thought. Well done!,

“Gabriel, man up and drink some wine!” Saris handed Gabriel a mug of wine and patted him on the back. “This is your victory Gab, now we just have to wait.” this part I think should maybe be removed. Doesn't Gab know that they have to wait? I'm not sure what they're waiting for but Gab seems to know. It reads a bit as if Saris says this last part for the sake of the reader.

“Well then wait we will.” Gabriel brought the mug to his lips.

“And celebrate!” Serianna hugged him from behind.

Amanda
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by Amanda » September 17th, 2010, 10:45 am

shadow wrote:
Hi Shadow. Let's see what I can point out for you. Over all, I think it is pretty good.

Start to Chapter 4
Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertians "sdoom and our victory!”

Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one and only top seeker!”Looking forward to finding out what a seeker is. Splatters of wine spilt as mugs shot up into the air, toasting. Delete toasting. We know you are. It is repetitive.

Gabriel jumped off the table and his mug slipped out of his hold. “Damn...” Music started to play in the air and woman in small tops and skirts covered in tiny bells came in to dance.Someone else made a good comment about this already as telling vs. showing. Gabriel moved through the massive crowd, searching for Serianna.Delete.

Start new paragraph and show him looking for Serianna
“Serianna?” Gabriel bellowed over the noise of the ceremony. A hand waved in the air and Gabriel pushed through the sweaty crowd of his mendelete. We already know he is there with his men. to get to her. delete. We know he is going to her. He smiled period at the sight of her long blonde locks that surrounded her angelic face like a halo. This is all telling. When you use "at" like that you are telling. Try, Her blond hair surrounded her face like a halo. You might also look at trimming down your adjective. Angelic and halo are redundant. We assume she is angelic if her hair is like a halo. Also, check in with your religious mythos. Do they have angels here? “Serianna!”redundant, you just said this.

She ran into his arms and Gabriel picked her up, twirling her around. Her silk white dress twirled along with the light outside breeze I would think that her dress twirled from being spun around.and her turquoise eyes shone like the sun’s raysVery telling. Possibly you can work this in more actively like when she talks to him.. Gabriel put her down and kissed her lips, inhaling the soft scent of home.I didn't have a problem with this, but to keep it in a tighter POV you might say what that is for him He missed it so much after being on the road. I think this can be combined with the previous sentence or dropped entirely.“It worked my angelmythos, possibly use "my hear", it worked.” He beamed like a child. period that had beenvery passive. We all have an idea of what a child beaming looks like. You could probably just stop there. playing in mud all day.

“It worked?”This really seems out of context. If they are as close as them seem to be, she would know what he was talking about especially as they are celebrating a victory. This really comes across as set up for an info dump to tell the reader what the plan was. You might consider have her asking about a particular detail about the plan.

Gabriel nodded, tucking a strand of his wavy hair behind his ear delete, takes away from the excitement you are trying to build. “Nights and nights we waited until the right moment. It was perfect Serianna delet. You could tell by try and make this more active." The way the stars shone that night, I knew it was the day."the way the stars shone that night. It was the day. We left one man to barricade the walls how can one man barricade the walls? and he did it. There were no Lassertian warriors where is everyone? Did they create a diversion somewhere else?and only a girl merchant got in our way.”

“It worked!” delete Serianna squealed, kissing Gabriel.Put your dialogue first, then have Serianna's reaction. “Didn’t I tell you that it would work?”

“Oh, you should have seen it, comma Serianna. It was"be" verb amazing, the inside of their settlement. Scary, dark, dead…Beautiful.” "You should have seen the inside of there settlement: scary, dark, dead,...beautiful (with all of this description, we know that it is pretty amazing. You have really got my interest at this point. I'd like to find out more about the Larserrtian's. At this point, I'd probably give some sort of physical reaction from Gabriel like a shudder or something.

“Gabriel, man up and drink some wine!” Saris handed Gabriel a mug of wine and patted I think "pat" is not strong enough for this victory celebration. Think football players. him on the back. “This is your victory Gab, now we just have to wait.” Good build of anticipation. Now I'm curious to know why they are waiting and hope it will be revealed in the next couple of pages.

“Well then, comma wait we will.” Gabriel brought the mug to his lips.

“And celebrate!” Serianna hugged him from behind.

Will post more if needed and can't wait to hear your comments. If you would like to swap critique give me a link to your excerpt and I will give my critique in exchange :)
I think this is really good and I really hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I look forward to seeing more.
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

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shadow
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by shadow » September 17th, 2010, 10:25 pm

Amanda & SGF, thank you guys so much for your critique. I am soo happy you guys liked it at the most and I took your suggestions close to heart and infused them (That is so weird but I felt like saying that, hehe....silly me.) into the excerpt. Here it is with a little extra:

Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertian’s doom and our victory!”
Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one and only top seeker!” Splatters of wine spilt as mugs shot up into the air.

Gabriel jumped off the table and his mug slipped out of his hold. “Damn...” Women danced into the hall curving their figures unimaginably, jingles swaying on their colorful skirts, blending in with the music. Gabriel moved through the massive crowd.

“Serianna?” Gabriel bellowed over the noise of the ceremony. A hand waved in the air and Gabriel pushed through the sweaty crowd. He smiled, her long blonde hair surrounded her face like a halo. “God, I am so glad to see you again!”
She ran into his arms and Gabriel picked her up, twirling her around. Her white dress twirled with him and her turquoise eyes shone like the sun’s rays. Gabriel put her down and kissed her lips, inhaling the soft scent of flowers, firs and wood fire…Home, he missed it so much after being on the road. “It worked my angel, it worked.” He beamed like a child.

“It really worked?”

Gabriel nodded. “Nights and nights we waited until the right moment. It was perfect. The way the stars shone that night I knew it was the day. We left one man to sneak into the premises and there was no one around. We did it. There really were no Lassertian warriors and only a girl merchant got in our way.”

“It worked!” Serianna squealed, kissing Gabriel. “Didn’t I tell you that it would work?”

“Oh, you should have seen it Serianna. It was amazing, the inside of their settlement. Scary, dark, dead…Beautiful.”

“Gabriel, man up and drink some wine!” Saris handed Gabriel a mug of wine and slapped him on the back. “This is your victory Gab!”

Gabriel brought the mug to his lips smiling to himself.

“And we will celebrate as if death doesn’t exist!” Serianna hugged him from behind.

Gabriel drank the wine right before the fire players came in. They formed a ring in the centre of the crowd which moved aside for their performance. Fire licked their torches that flew high up into the air, leaving traces of smoke in the perfect blue sky. Gabriel tugged Serianna’s arm and pulled her closer to the performance. It was amazing the way the players manipulated with flames, blowing them from their mouths and letting them lick at their legs like long lost puppy dogs.
Gabriel clapped his hands in the air, adding to the noise of the crowd. “No Lassertian can make flames like that!” He hugged his arm around Serianna’s shoulder, bumped around by the movements of the anticipating crowd of warriors and villagers. As the performers left, the beating of drums faded and a slower music began to play.

A hushed silence came over the crowd as the Queen of the Luminary stepped out of her cabin draped in silks. She was breathtaking, her skin delicate like rose petals. She wore a silk dress littered with sparkling diamond dust. No warrior dared to breathe as the queen settled into her throne, a giant glinting crown covered with hibiscus flowers atop her flowing mane of hair.

“Gabriel, Come here.” Her voice was as melodic and dreamy as her appearance.

Letting go of Serianna, Gabriel walked forward and kneeled down on one knee before his queen. “Your majesty.”
The music ceased and Millianna smiled, clasping her hands together. “Get up noble seeker; you are not at all below me with what you have accomplished in the last week.”

Gabriel stood up and nodded. “I am very grateful for your generosity.”

“Without you, and you and you,” Millianna said, pointing at various warriors. “This plan would not have been in the least possible. I thank you all immensely for your efforts and your dedication. We are one small nation, yet we can stand up to Lassertians, and this means so much to our future victory. Long live the valley!”

“Long live the valley!” Gabriel chanted along with the rest of the crowd.

“All of you must–”

“STOP!” A luminary on horse back rode up to the queen and Gabriel, panting and holding on to his chest covered in blood.

“What is thi–”

“No, you must…” The man jumped off the stallion and groaned. “Ah…” He doubled over.

“Len?” Gabriel helped him stay up. “You’re wounded! What is it, what happened Len?” Gabriel’s eyes widened.

“No…It’s a mistake…Don’t celebrate.” Len stammered.
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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ninafromnorway
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by ninafromnorway » September 18th, 2010, 2:01 am

I won't comment on the grammar, as what I can see has already been corrected.

But I will comment on the story, which I thought was brill:

I used to be a great fan of Xena, and I loved watching it all those years ago. I'd venture in to the world of the Warrior Princess, and laugh and be entertained by all the little corny bits that made it worth watching! What you have written brought back old memories, and it was like taken out of one of the Xena episodes.

I'd love to read more =)
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

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shadow
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by shadow » September 18th, 2010, 8:49 pm

ninafromnorway wrote:I won't comment on the grammar, as what I can see has already been corrected.

But I will comment on the story, which I thought was brill:

I used to be a great fan of Xena, and I loved watching it all those years ago. I'd venture in to the world of the Warrior Princess, and laugh and be entertained by all the little corny bits that made it worth watching! What you have written brought back old memories, and it was like taken out of one of the Xena episodes.

I'd love to read more =)
Thank you SO much Nina, you really made my day! :D
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Amanda
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by Amanda » September 20th, 2010, 12:15 pm

Hi Shadow,

The re-written part is looking good. Learning how to spot telling and using passive voice is hard to do. It is definitely a learning process and something I'm still working on myself. Janice Hardy's blog has helped me tremendously, especially her posts on tell vs. show. This is a really good one http://storyflip.blogspot.com/2010/04/r ... e-why.html
shadow wrote:
Gabriel drank the wine. period right before the fire players came in delet. They formed a ring in the centre of the crowd which moved aside for their performance.very telling not showing. Fire licked their torches that flew high up into the air, leaving traces of smoke in the perfect blue sky.This whole sentence is pretty passive. The torches flew high in the air; fire licked the wood leaving traces of smoke in the perfect sky. Do you see the difference? Also, try to keep it down to one adjective. Gabriel tugged Serianna’s arm and pulled her closer to the performance. It was amazing the way the players manipulated with missing word?flames, blowing them from their mouths and letting them lick at their legs like long lost puppy dogs. This sentence should probably we one up.

Gabriel clapped his hands in the air, adding to the noise of the crowd. “No Lassertian can make flames like that!” He hugged his arm around Serianna’s shoulder, bumped around by the movements of the anticipating crowd of warriors and villagers. As the performers left, the beating of drums faded and a slower music began to play.

A hushed silence came over the crowd as the Queen of the Luminary stepped out of her cabin draped in silks. She was breathtaking, her skin delicate like rose petals. She wore a silk dress littered with sparkling diamond dust. No warrior dared to breathe as the queen settled into her throne, a giant glinting crown covered with hibiscus flowers atop her flowing mane of hair.

“Gabriel, Come here.” Her voice was as melodic and dreamy as her appearance.

Letting go of Serianna, Gabriel walked forward and kneeled down on one knee before his queen. “Your majesty.”
The music ceased and Millianna smiled, clasping her hands together. “Get up noble seeker; you are not at all below me with what you have accomplished in the last week.”

Gabriel stood up and nodded. “I am very grateful for your generosity.”

“Without you, and you and you,” Millianna said, pointing at various warriors. “This plan would not have been in the least possible. I thank you all immensely for your efforts and your dedication. We are one small nation, yet we can stand up to Lassertians, and this means so much to our future victory. Long live the valley!”

“Long live the valley!” Gabriel chanted along with the rest of the crowd.

“All of you must–”

“STOP!” A luminary on horse back rode up to the queen and Gabriel, panting and holding on to his chest covered in blood.

“What is thi–”

“No, you must…” The man jumped off the stallion and groaned. “Ah…” He doubled over.

“Len?” Gabriel helped him stay up. “You’re wounded! What is it, what happened Len?” Gabriel’s eyes widened.

“No…It’s a mistake…Don’t celebrate.” Len stammered.
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

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khanes
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Re: The Coming YA

Post by khanes » September 23rd, 2010, 4:42 pm

Hi Shadow. Nice scene! It has a good pace, good description, and makes me want to read more. It's always good to have the reader wondering what will happen next. I will correct some more grammar below using red (my best try at correcting grammar), plus my opinions on some of the sentences.

---------------------------------------------

Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertian’s doom and our victory!”
Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one and only top seeker!” Splatters of wine spilt Is "spilt" a word? It comes up as a spell check. I think "spilled" is the correct word. as mugs shot up into the air.

Gabriel jumped off the table and his mug slipped out of his hold. “Damn...” Women danced into the hall, (comma here) curving their figures unimaginably, jingles swaying on their colorful skirts, blending in with the music. Gabriel moved through the massive crowd.

“Serianna?” Gabriel bellowed over the noise of the ceremony. A hand waved in the air and Gabriel pushed through the sweaty crowd. He smiled, her long blonde hair surrounded her face like a halo.(this sentence is confusing. I wouldn't put two pronouns into the same sentence like this without clarifying who is who. I didn't know who's hair it was at first. You could say, "He smiled at Serianna; her long blonde hair surrounded her face like a halo." “God, I am so glad to see you again!”
She ran into his arms and Gabriel picked her up, twirling her around. Her white dress twirled with him and her turquoise eyes shone like the sun’s rays.Not sure about this image. Aren't the sun's rays orange, yellow, red? Gabriel put her down and kissed her lips, inhaling the soft scent of flowers, firs and wood fire…Home, he missed it so much after being on the road.(love the way you described her scent) “It worked my angel, it worked.” He beamed like a child.

“It really worked?”

Gabriel nodded. “Nights and nights we waited until the right moment. It was perfect. The way the stars shone that night I knew it was the day. We left one man to sneak into the premises and there was no one around. We did it. There really were no Lassertian warriors and only a girl merchant got in our way.”

“It worked!” Serianna squealed, kissing Gabriel. “Didn’t I tell you that it would work?”

“Oh, you should have seen it Serianna. It was amazing, the inside of their settlement. Scary, dark, dead…Beautiful.”

“Gabriel, man up and drink some wine!” Saris handed Gabriel a mug of wine and slapped him on the back. “This is your victory Gab!”

Gabriel brought the mug to his lips,comma here smiling to himself.

“And we will celebrate as if death doesn’t exist!” Serianna hugged him from behind.

Gabriel drank the wine right before the fire players came in. They formed a ring in the centre of the crowd which moved aside for their performance. Fire licked their torches that flew high up into the air, leaving traces of smoke in the perfect blue sky.(a little confused here. I thought they were in a bar. Now they are outside? Besides that, love the description of the fire! Gabriel tugged Serianna’s arm and pulled her closer to the performance. It was amazing,(i believe a comma) the way the players manipulated with should this word be the instead of with? flames, blowing them from their mouths and letting them lick at their legs like long lost puppy dogs.great simile here
Gabriel clapped his hands in the air, adding to the noise of the crowd. “No Lassertian can make flames like that!” He hugged his arm around Serianna’s shoulder, bumped around by the movements of the anticipating crowd of warriors and villagers. As the performers left, the beating of drums faded and a slower music began to play.

A hushed silence came over the crowd as the Queen of the Luminary stepped out of her cabin draped in silks. She was breathtaking, her skin delicate like rose petals. She wore a silk dress littered with sparkling diamond dust. No warrior dared to breathe as the queen settled into her throne, a giant glinting crown covered with hibiscus flowers atop her flowing mane of hair.(wonderful description of the Queen)

“Gabriel, Come here.” Her voice was as melodic and dreamy as her appearance.

Letting go of Serianna, Gabriel walked forward and kneeled (i think this word should be "knelt") down on one knee before his queen. “Your majesty.”
The music ceased and Millianna smiled, clasping her hands together. “Get up noble seeker; you are not at all below me with what you have accomplished in the last week.”

Gabriel stood up and nodded. “I am very grateful for your generosity.”

“Without you, and you and you,” Millianna said, pointing at various warriors, (i think this i sa comma since the sentence isn't finished, and a lower case "t") “this plan would not have been in the least possible. I thank you all immensely for your efforts and your dedication. We are one small nation, yet we can stand up to Lassertians, and this means so much to our future victory. Long live the valley!”

“Long live the valley!” Gabriel chanted along with the rest of the crowd.

“All of you must–”

“STOP!” A luminary on horse back (I think one word rode up to the queen and Gabriel, panting and holding on to (one word) his chest covered in blood.

“What is thi–”

“No, you must…” The man jumped off the stallion and groaned. “Ah…” He doubled over.

“Len?” Gabriel helped him stay up. “You’re wounded! What is it, what happened Len?” Gabriel’s eyes widened.

“No…It’s a mistake…Don’t celebrate.” Len stammered.

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