Second try at a Query Letter for Devin Briar

[hulbertsfriend]

Dear Agent,

Devin Briar can’t seem to imagine a peaceful life. His best friend and roommate, Robin Denton, a world renowned Physicist, can’t imagine life without Devin and her Bugs Bunny slippers.

No move in Devin’s life is of his choosing, from the simple government job he starts out with, to his climb to power by sheer innuendo and circumstance. Who is behind his rise to power and why him? Is it the powerful Senator, he’s related to, or the five influential members of the media that constantly cross his path?

Helping him avoid the many potential pitfalls before him, Robin calls on her technological wizardry. Together they stop a private financial giant from bankrupting Social Security and rescue a fumbling Administration from collapse.

Devin Briar is a 162,000 word, character driven, work of fiction that follows Devin’s path to do the best he can during extraordinary events. Through it all, it’s the laughter and friendship of Devin and Robin that conquers all before them.
Thank you,
DougM

[Leonidas]

Devin Briar seems You should avoid using the word "seem" as much as possible. It does nothing for description and makes the sentence weaker. Instead of saying that he seems to ask to get kicked in the shins, say how he asks for it or what he does. to asks to get kicked in the shins everyday of his life. It’s the nature of his job that often brings the pain. Yet he keeps coming back for more. He’s a Press Secretary, you see, where for most in that line of work life is falling on swords. This sentence is awkward. You don't want to waste any words in a query letter; you see not only wastes two words of the suggested 250 word limit in a query, but it's two words that don't progress the story at all. It just takes the reader out of the query. Devin just gets kicked, mostly because he kicks back, with honesty and laughter as a personal shield. This sentence doesn't make sense and he seems like a weak character because he's not actually retaliating.His best friend, Robin Denton, a world renowned Physicist, splits her time between getting him out of trouble and inventing next generation new technology that seems to come in handy when her friend calls out for help. Help for what? Because people don't like him? Clarify.

This time it’s different different from what. They move on to Washington D.C. at the behest of a powerful Senator, who happens to be his Aunt, not knowing that others what others?have been watching him as well. They Who?have plans for Devin Briar.

Devin discovers a plot to falsify approval of a technology that would net the perpetrators millions, then steps in to quash the attempt to remove a respected Cabinet Secretary. This is where your story starts. This is where your query should start. All the stuff before this point in the query is unneeded backstory that confuses your reader.He gains notoriety through the Washington rumor mill through his efforts and those of a group of five reporters that have plans for Devin. This sentence is awkward with the two "through" clauses right after each other. The President of the United States, whose Administration is plagued by problems, What administration isn't? Are these internal problems or external problems, like with the EU? gets wind of Devin’s sudden rise, as well as his friend Robin’s efforts to help him. When a company entrusted with investing Social Security Trust money proves to be a fraud, the President calls on Devin to enlist Robin’s help in tracking down the money that has evaporated. Is Devin the main character or is Robin? Robin seems like the more important character.

Rumors of Devin’s growing influence rise to a fever pitch, so when he and Robin go on a short holiday to the island of Madeira, the President decides to let the world know. The President is letting the world know that they're going on vacation?Strategically leaked to the world by the CIA that he is actually on the island at his I'm assuming that this 'his' refers to the President, while the 'he' that comes before it is referring to Devin. Don't do this. You only want one pronoun to refer to a single antecedent, especially when they're pronouns of the same gender, because you risk confusing your reader otherwise.request to see who may come out of the wood work for a chance to speak to this now powerful insider. Who comes to see Devin on the small island rocks the world.This sentence doesn't make sense, because we don't know who 'who' refers to. It is up to Devin and Robin to not only stop a disaster, but halt the European Union from going nuts. Maybe this is just me, but I totally missed why the EU is important. I assumed that this was an issue solely related to the United States, and then you throw the EU in. You haven't made it clear that this is a global issue, in which case the EU and probably the UN would be involved.

Devin Briar doesn’t have a black belt in Karate, hell, he isn’t even light of foot, but he is honest and honorable. Telling instead of showing. Show us that he's honest and honorable so we care. Otherwise, we don't.Throughout it all, it’s a bond of friendship that allows he and Robin to seize the moment, and sometimes… the day.

So Sharks that devour those of word count beware… 238,000. Laughter is to be found within my novel, which is a Dolphin to any Shark… or at least it can be. This sentence makes no sense at all. It wouldn't even make sense if you were planning on querying to Query Shark. I just realized that I don't even know what the title of your novel is. Is it Dolphin to any Shark? This is a very bad sign. You want your agent to at least know the basics of your novel without having any difficulty: word count and title.

I Thank you for your valuable time,

D. R. Morrison

This query was confusing and overly wordy. You have 250 words to interest an agent. Don't waste them. Honestly, from this query and your word count, I'm guessing that you could cut a lot from the manuscript. Query Shark says to delete every single "that", "and", and "then" you can while still having your MS make sense. This will make your writing that much more polished. Go through your MS with a fine-toothed comb, and then have a beta reader read through it again.

Then write your query, because unfortunately I think you might have to start over from this.

Sorry. I know that's harsh, but that's publishing. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I'll do all I can to help. Good luck!

[cheekychook]

I'm sure the last thing you want is a commentary that starts off with a statement regarding word count, but your word count really struck me, so that's where I'm starting. I'm a very wordy person, really, so I understand how a book can get that long, and I can also understand why you think it needs to stay that long, and maybe it does---but before you make that absolute determination I'd take a step back and really, really look at it to make sure. Is every scene necessary? Can some extraneous words be cut? Some non-essential scenes left out? Can that 5-page scene that is humorous but doesn't really move the plot forward somehow be meshed with another scene where the plot is really progressing so that the page count and story are simultaneously tightened? I don't have any idea how many times you've edited this work, but generally word count decreases anywhere from a little to dramatically with each rewrite. It might be worth your time to take another pass through and see if you can't trim things down.

The reason this struck me is not just because of all the things I've read about preferred word count for genres, or publisher's rules about page count and cost, or agent's hesitation to take anything that long, ever, let alone from an unproven novelist---what really got me was the math. 238,000 words translates to 1000 pages. More, if the the book has frequent chapter breaks or a lot of dialogue (which takes up more space per page). I went straight to my bookcases and looked for the biggest tomes . The last Harry Potter book is a hefty book, I remember schlepping it to the pool daily the summer it was released---it's 759 pages. One of my favorite books is my Complete Cummings Collections (e.e. cummings poems)---that's 1000 pages---I love it, but it's not what I consider "portable". Tolstoy's Anna Karenina (a paperback version) came in at 780 pages. Henry James' Portrait of a Lady is only 629 pages. The only modern-release I found that came close to 1000 pages was Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True---which is 900 pages and every comment on the back cover is about how the book is a shocking oddity for being a 900 page book that readers can't put down---it's an exception, so much so that they acknowledge it on the jacket. And it's still 100 pages lighter than the book you're querying. I'm not saying your book's not worth publishing, and I'm certainly not saying it's not worth every single word---I'm just making sure you're aware that it's not just an arbitrary hatred of big numbers or a stubborn adherence to rules---most books are simply not 1000 pages long.

Devin Briar seems to ask to get kicked in the shins every day (it's only one word if it's being used as an adjective) of his life. It’s the nature of his job that often brings the pain. Yet he keeps coming back for more.(You might consider switching the previous two sentences so we have Devin gets kicked...yet keeps coming back for more. Then the description of how his job brings this pain. Would make the flow better.) He’s a Press Secretary, you see,(Does the use of "you see" reflect the style of writing in the book? If not, I'd leave it out.) where for most in that line of work life is falling on swords.(Not sure I understand the distinction you're making between Devin getting kicked in the shins and everyone else in this profession falling on swords. Can you tighten up the description and clarify the difference between Devin's experience and that of the others in his field?) Devin just gets kicked, mostly because he kicks back, (You've now used kicked/kicks three times in one paragraph---is there another way to word this? Or to condense it?) with honesty and laughter (this is telling not showing---can you provide an example of Devin using his honesty or humor in a tough situation so we can see what you mean?) as a personal shield. His best friend, Robin Denton, a world renowned Physicist, splits her time between getting him out of trouble and inventing next generation technology (good description of Robin's role) that seems ("seems" kind of weaken this sentence---"which comes in handy" would be stronger)to come in handy when her friend (by "her friend, do you mean Devin?)calls out for help.

This time it’s different.(This time? As opposed to what other time? What's different?) They move (on) to Washington D.C. at the behest of a powerful Senator, who happens to be his Aunt, not knowing that others have been watching him as well. (Others? As well as who else?) They have plans for Devin Briar. (Referring to him by full name here distances us from the story when you've been calling him either "Devin" or "him" for the previous paragraph and a half.)

Devin discovers a plot to falsify approval of a technology that would net the perpetrators millions, then steps in to quash the attempt to remove a respected Cabinet Secretary. He gains notoriety through the Washington rumor mill through his efforts(the use of two "through" clauses in this short a space is very confusing--split into two sentences or rephrase to clarify.) and those of a group of five reporters (Awkward wording, and confusing---who are these people? Why are there five of them?) that have plans (this is the second time you've said an undefined "they" have "plans" for Devin---can you be a little more specific about these "plans"?) for Devin. The President of the United States, whose Administration is plagued by problems, gets wind of Devin’s sudden rise, as well as his friend Robin’s efforts to help him. When a company entrusted with investing Social Security Trust money proves to be a fraud, the President calls on Devin to enlist Robin’s help in tracking down the money that has evaporated.

Rumors of Devin’s growing influence rise to a fever pitch, so when he and Robin go on a short holiday to the island of Madeira, the President decides to let the world know. (Okay, totally confused---The President has problems, he calls on Devin for his help, asks Devin to enlist Robin as his sidekick, the two go on vacation and the President tells the world? Why?) Strategically leaked to the world by the CIA that he is actually on the island at his request to see who may come out of the wood work for a chance to speak to this now powerful insider.(Sorry, completely lost---no idea who all the "his" and "he" words refer to---Devin? The president? the CIA?) Who comes to see Devin on the small island rocks the world. (Who? Why does it rock the world?)It is up to Devin and Robin to not only stop a disaster, but halt the European Union from going nuts. (When did the European Union get involved??)

Devin Briar doesn’t have a black belt in Karate, hell, he isn’t even light of foot, but he is honest and honorable. Throughout it all, it’s a bond of friendship that allows he and Robin to seize the moment, and sometimes… the day. (Okay, this is catchy, but it doesn't fit with the very plot-heavy previous paragraphs.)

So Sharks that devour those of word count beware… 238,000. I don't know that the line about word count is the place to inject humor, particularly if it's kinda calling some agents Sharks. You've also left out important info such as the TITLE, the genre, and whether or not the manuscript is complete. Laughter is to be found within my novel, which is a Dolphin to any Shark… or at least it can be.

I thank you for your valuable time,

D. R. Morrison

This is JUST MY OPINION, and I am certainly more than well aware of how hard it can be to boil down a complex plot into a few paragraphs in a query, but my guess is that when an agent reads a wordy query which concludes with the fact that the manuscript is 238,000 pages, they may assume that the manuscript is going to be rambling and unedited and may pass because of that. It's important to make ALL queries as tightly written and specific as possible, but I would think it might be even more essential to do so in pitching a story this long---show the agent that you are fully capable of writing things concisely so they think there's at least a possibility that all the words in your huge manuscript are necessary.

You've obviously spent a good deal of time writing this book, and it appears to have interesting characters and a very detailed plot, but realistically you may need to decide if sticking to your word count is worth the difficulty it may cause in getting agents/publishers to consider your work. It's a tough call to make, and I have no idea where you are in your writing process. If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider getting a few beta readers or critique partners---they tend to be excellent at letting you know where the plot goes astray, where rambling takes over, where repetition occurs....and it's much easier for them to tighten up a scene, because they can spot the essential parts much more accurately. Just a suggestion. Whatever route you take, I wish you luck. Hope my comments/questions were at least somewhat helpful.

[Leonidas]

Just in response to what Cheekychook (sorry, don't know your name) said, the only modern book I can think of to surpass 1000 pages (or even reach it) is Stephen King's Under the Dome. It comes in at 1,088 pages. Even with Stephen King's reputation, it's amazing to me that it was published at that word count.

[hulbertsfriend]

I appreciate the feedback. Got a little bored and wrote this on a whim. I'm no where near ready to submit my novel, but thought learning about the Query letter process wouldn't be a bad thing to do.

Regarding Word count: The Novel comes out at 803 pages, double spaced, 12 point font. I've considered breaking the novel into two or even three parts, even though I quite like long reads myself ( James Clavell's "Shogun", as well as a Tom Clancy novel that at 900+- pages was in a micro sized font).

I realize the market currently may be driven by the 300 page "blip" books currently out and I may have to succumb to that if I ever hope to get published. But till I finish polishing my novel, I just can't tell which way it will shine.

Thanks again for the tough love, DougM

[RebeccaB]

I completely agree with splitting the book. If, and ONLY if you have a solid point you could end it without it feeling like you just stopped writing.
This query does need a lot of work, but the story sounds interesting. so when you are ready to try again, i would be happy to take a look.

Happy Inking,

RebeccaB

[gsfields2004]

Here's a comment that will drive you batty: The first letter was too long with too much detail and the second one was too short with not enough detail. Shoot for somewhere in the middle. Obviously easier said than done.

What I liked about the second attempt was this line:

Together they stop a private financial giant from bankrupting Social Security and rescue a fumbling Administration from collapse.

Followed by this line:

Helping him avoid the many potential pitfalls before him, Robin calls on her technological wizardry.

Just don't tell me he stops it, otherwise I won't be surprised. I'll probably assume he'll stop it, but I really like suspense (e.g. "Can he and Robin stop...without...)

I think these contain the essence of the story, but it lacks the conflict and decision that faces Devin.

What I didn't like was the beginning. It didn't grab me, I didn't feel a connection or sympathy for the Devin. I read the first chapter, so I think I know what you were trying to convey, but it didn't come through in those sentences.

I hope this didn't come off as too negative. I really like the story concept, but I need to get a good feel for the character's right away to connect. I just re-read Neil Gaiman's NeverWhere. If you have it or can get it, read the first chapter. I think he does one of the best jobs of setting up a complete connection with the MC than any other book I've ever read.

[Joel Q]

I'm not sure what the plot is.
And there is no plot question given in the query.

What's the struggle, the obstacle he must overcome and what is the decision he must make to overcome it.

JQ

[clara_w]

Devin Briar can’t seem to imagine a peaceful life. His best friend and roommate, Robin Denton, a world renowned Physicist, can’t imagine life without Devin and her Bugs Bunny slippers. Good, romantic possibilities! lol but seriously, this was very cool. Why cant he imagine a peaceful life?

No move in Devin’s life is of his choosing, from the simple government job he starts out with, to his climb to power by sheer innuendo and circumstance. Who is behind his rise to power and why him? Is it the powerful Senator, he’s related to, or the five influential members of the media that constantly cross his path? ok and heres the answer to my question

Helping him avoid the many potential pitfalls before him, Robin calls on her technological wizardryRobin is kindda thrown out of nowhere here. I'd cut and use only Devin, put Robin in the passive, know what I mean?. Together insert : with his best friend, girlfriend, alien gal, etcthey stop a private financial giant from bankrupting Social Security and rescue a fumbling Administration from collapse.

Ok I went to business school, so I love these type of things. Im hooked.You kept it simple and clean.