Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

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midenianscholar
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Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by midenianscholar » June 28th, 2010, 11:14 am

This is the synopsis for my YA fantasy/romance,The Fountain's Edge.

I'm not sure about:
- The midway "flashback" (so to speak), because it's past-tense. It needs to be there somewhere, though.
- The ending, because in the ms there's a little scene where Ced wakes up, talks with Alaith and then they decide to go back to his family cottage. Which... sounds lame in summary form. Should it just end where it ends now?
- Everything else. I have very little confidence in my synopsis abilities.

Some feedback I got previously:
Finally, I think your twist on gender is 'original', but the rest sounds too much like the fairytale. Which maybe the ms is very similar, maybe not. Even if it is, it could be a good read. But I think it would help if you 'showcased' the more original plot twists in the synopsis.
The other twists mostly involve redemption. Cedrin "kills" his cousin in a fit of playfulness, Alaith kills his cousin by her cruelty. In a sense, the entire story is Cedrin making up for what he did. He redeems Alaith through his almost-death by breaking the curse, and she redeems him because he's sort of paid for what he did, sort of thing. (Going to resist diving into a Beauty and the Beast analysis of the fountain.) Which... yeah. Not sure how that fits into the summary, or if it's necessary.

(if you recognize this as being copied directly off of the Absolute Write Forums... that's because it is.)

Thanks in advance for any help you can give!

Here it is:
At the age of ten, Cedin Alsan pushes his cousin into a well. His cousin never recovers, and Cedrin's uncle, Garan, never forgets.

Cedrin grows up as the son of a wealthy merchant. He lives in prosperity, and is happy where he’s at. But when a fleet of ships is lost at sea, the company takes a hard hit. Garan is eager to break Cedrin’s father while he’s week, and calls in a debt Cedrin’s father owed. The blow leaves Cedrin’s family bankrupt. They sell their possessions, and move to a wild province called Bancad.

Three years later, news reaches Cedrin’s family that some of the ships lost at sea have returned. Cedrin travels to the city, only to discover that Garan has already claimed the ships’ profits. When Cedrin confronts his uncle, he discovers a letter that contains a plot against the Roesil family, who oversee Bancad. Garan finds out Cedrin had read his mail. Terrified of his uncle and fearing repercussions to himself and his family, Cedrin flees.
Cedrin enters Bancad just as a storm begins. In the height of the storm, Cedrin and his horse stumble into the courtyard of a castle. Exhausted from the journey, Cedrin passes out. He wakes up in the castle, with new clothes and breakfast set out for him. As he is leaving, Cedrin spies a rose garden. He takes one of the roses to bring with him.

A woman attacks him, screaming at him, and he realizes that she was his hostess. Trying to escape her temper, he gallops away. Finally he arrives home, where he hopes he will be safe. But within weeks, one of Garan’s men attacks Cedrin, and he is forced to leave again. His family arranges to send word to him at the castle when it is safe for him to come home.

The woman, Alaith, who calls herself Beast, agrees to let Cedrin stay in the castle when he tells her he is hiding from Garan. Soon, the heavy snows prevented Cedrin from communication with his family or the ability to go home. But over the course of the winter, Alaith and Cedrin’s mutual dislike slowly transforms into friendship. Cedrin knows very little of Alaith’s past, but he is content to know her as she is rather than trying to find out her past. He knows firsthand that the past is a painful subject.

Years earlier, Alaith Roesil had become engaged through an arranged marriage to Garan's son, even though the injury from his fall left him mentally disabled. A young woman used to being spoiled, Alaith was disgusted by her betrothed and determined to escape from the marriage. She tormented Garan's son relentlessly, hoping he would be forced to call off the marriage. But one day she pushed him too far, pressured her betrothed jump his horse over a high fence. Both horse and rider died. Alaith was left numb by the shock of what she had done.

Garan was furious. In his grief and anger, he cursed Alaith. Her beauty would fade, and she would become ugly. She would be like a disease, he said, killing everyone around her. The curse would not end until a man could love her more than his own life. Alaith did not believe Garan had any power of her, but his predictions began to come true. She became ugly, and her father was nearly killed on a journey. The full realization of what happened to her came after her brother died. Broken and afraid, Alaith fled. In the wilderness of the province Bancad, she found an abandoned castle to live in.
The castle is enchanted. There is a large fountain in the main room, which was formed in the shape of a tree. Two stone figures were another part of the fountain—a man and a woman. Alaith discovers that they were the original lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride. They were turned to stone under a curse.

As Alaith grows to like Cedrin more, she begins to fear that the curse will affect him. Little accidents begin happening—signs that she recognized from the time leading up to her brother’s death. She knows she must send Cedrin away, and soon, but she dreads living in the loneliness of the abandoned castle again.
Spring arrives, and Cedrin begins to long for news that his family is safe. He is torn between a desire to leave or stay. Through books and strolls in the garden, Cedrin and Alaith grow closer. One day, Alaith unintentionally gives her identity away, and Cedrin figures out who she really is. She does not realize he made the connection. He decides that he will wait until she tells him herself, instead of bringing it up.

There is an enchanted mirror in the castle. When touched, it will show events happening in the past or present. One day, Alaith sees how distressed Cedrin from not hearing of his family, and she uses the mirror for him. They find that his family is well, and that Cedrin’s siblings have been searching for him. But they cannot find him, and they think that Cedrin is dead.

Desperate to let them know he is all right, Cedrin leaves immediately. Alaith catches him before he goes, and tells him not to come back.

Cedrin’s family is overjoyed to see him again. Though he worries about Alaith, Cedrin agrees to stay for a few days. Cedrin accompanies one of his sisters to a ball. While there, he strikes up conversation with another man—a visiting lord. Over the course of their discussion, Cedrin realizes that he is talking to Alaith’s father. The man mentions that Garan was in Bancad, and has gone on a ride in the evening by the woods. Garan has been missing for a few hours. Fearing that Garan may have found the castle, and that Alaith is in danger, Cedrin races to the castle.

Garan is already there when Cedrin arrives, but Cedrin was able to avoid being seen. He finds Alaith unharmed. Cedrin promises to take Alaith home with him, and keep her safe.
As they tried to leave, Garan spots them. Though surprised, Garan recognizes both Cedrin and Alaith. He will not let Alaith leave, and Cedrin refuses to let her face Garan alone. Garan and Cedrin duel, standing on a balcony above the stone fountain.

Garan pins Cedrin against the banister and stabs him. The pain ebbs into numbness, and all Cedrin can think of is protecting Alaith. A glimpse reveals to Cedrin that he and his uncle are just above the tree’s branches, and he pushes himself backwards, pulling Garan with him. They fall, and Cedrin lands in the pool of water. Garan is impaled by the branches.

Alaith rushes to Cedrin, trying to bind the wound in his side. Gently Cedrin stops her. They both know it is too late. With the little strength he has left, Cedrin tries to comfort her. He tells her that he chose this, that it is not her fault, that he loves her.
The curse is broken, and the magic from one curse breaking releases the stone faerie lord and lady. Cedrin blacks out from blood loss just as the lord kneels, healing the wound.

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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by Emily J » June 29th, 2010, 3:43 pm

midenianscholar wrote:This is the synopsis for my YA fantasy/romance,The Fountain's Edge.

I'm not sure about:
- The midway "flashback" (so to speak), because it's past-tense. It needs to be there somewhere, though.
- The ending, because in the ms there's a little scene where Ced wakes up, talks with Alaith and then they decide to go back to his family cottage. Which... sounds lame in summary form. Should it just end where it ends now?
- Everything else. I have very little confidence in my synopsis abilities.

Some feedback I got previously:
Finally, I think your twist on gender is 'original', but the rest sounds too much like the fairytale. Which maybe the ms is very similar, maybe not. Even if it is, it could be a good read. But I think it would help if you 'showcased' the more original plot twists in the synopsis.
The other twists mostly involve redemption. Cedrin "kills" his cousin in a fit of playfulness, Alaith kills his cousin by her cruelty. In a sense, the entire story is Cedrin making up for what he did. He redeems Alaith through his almost-death by breaking the curse, and she redeems him because he's sort of paid for what he did, sort of thing. (Going to resist diving into a Beauty and the Beast analysis of the fountain.) Which... yeah. Not sure how that fits into the summary, or if it's necessary.

(if you recognize this as being copied directly off of the Absolute Write Forums... that's because it is.)

Thanks in advance for any help you can give!

Here it is:
At the age of ten, Cedin Alsan pushes his cousin into a well. His cousin never recovers, and Cedrin's uncle, Garan, never forgets. is the cousin maimed? seriously wounded? killed? seems a bit unclear

Cedrin grows up as the son of a wealthy merchant. He lives in prosperity, and is happy where he’s at. this sentence could easily be combined with the first *Cedrin grows up as the son of a wealthy merchant, happy and prosperous.* and happy where he's at feels weak But when a fleet of ships is lost at sea, the company takes a hard hit. a bit awkward since there is no explanation that his father ships goods or makes his living via the sea Garan is eager to break Cedrin’s father while he’s week, weak not week and calls in a debt Cedrin’s father owed. a pound of flesh? The blow leaves Cedrin’s family bankrupt. but Garan is family correct? They sell their possessions, and move to a wild wild how? uncivilized? dangerous? province called Bancad.

Three years later, news reaches Cedrin’s family that some of the ships lost at sea have returned. Cedrin travels to the city,what city? the earlier setting? only to discover that Garan has already claimed the ships’ profits. When Cedrin confronts his uncle, he discovers a letter that contains a plot against the Roesil family, who oversee Bancad. Garan finds out Cedrin had read his mail. this sentence is a bit sparse... Terrified of his uncle and fearing repercussions to himself and his family, Cedrin flees.
SPACE HERE
Cedrin enters Bancad just as a storm begins. In the height of the storm, Cedrin and his horse stumble into the courtyard of a castle. Exhausted from the journey, Cedrin passes out. He wakes up in the castle, with new clothes and breakfast set out for him. As he is leaving, Cedrin spies a rose garden. He takes one of the roses to bring with him.

A woman attacks him, where? in the rose garden? a bit non sequitor here screaming at him, and he realizes that she was his hostess. Trying to escape her temper, he gallops away. Finally he arrives home, where he hopes he will be safe. But within weeks, one of Garan’s men attacks Cedrin, and he is forced to leave again. His family arranges to send word to him at the castle the rose garden/crazy lady castle? when it is safe for him to come home.

The woman, Alaith, who calls herself Beast, problem with back hair? agrees to let Cedrin stay in the castle when he tells her he is hiding from Garan. well thats good since he was shipped to the castle by his family, what was the alternative? a cardboard box? Soon, the heavy snows prevented why are we slipping into past tense here? Cedrin from communication communicating? with his family or the ability to go home. the heavy snows prevented Cedric from the ability to go home? this needs to be rephrased But over the course of the winter, Alaith and Cedrin’s mutual dislike slowly transforms into friendship. Cedrin knows very little of Alaith’s past, but he is content to know her as she is rather than trying to find out her past. He knows firsthand that the past is a painful subject. is she literally a beast? some physical description of Alaith and Cedrin (age at least) would be helpful here

Years earlier, Alaith Roesil had become engaged through an arranged marriage to Garan's son, even though the injury from his fall left him mentally disabled. oh the cousin pushed down the well right? A young woman used to being spoiled, Alaith was disgusted by her betrothed and determined to escape from the marriage. She tormented Garan's son relentlessly, hoping he would be forced to call off the marriage. But one day she pushed him too far, pressured pressuring her betrothed to jump jump his horse over a high fence. Both horse and rider died.poor horsie! dislike Alaith was left numb by the shock of what she had done.

Garan was furious. In his grief and anger, he cursed Alaith. Her beauty would fade, and she would become ugly. She would be like a disease, he said, killing everyone around her. The curse would not end until a man could love her more than his own life. Alaith did not believe Garan had any power of her, but his predictions began to come true. She became ugly, errr... how? and her father was nearly killed on a journey. The full realization of what happened to her came after her brother died. Broken and afraid, Alaith fled. In the wilderness of the province Bancad, she found an abandoned castle to live in.
SPACE
The castle is enchanted. that's handy, but this paragraph's opening line feels a bit non sequitor, watch your transitions There is a large fountain in the main room, which was formed in the shape of a tree. Two stone figures were another part of the fountain—a man and a woman. Alaith discovers that they were the original lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride. They were turned to stone under a curse. combine this sentence with the preceding one and it reads better "Alaith discovers that they were the original lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride turned ot stone under a curse."

As Alaith grows to like Cedrin more, she begins to fear that the curse will affect him. Little accidents begin happening—signs that she recognized from the time leading up to her brother’s death. She knows she must send Cedrin away, and soon, but she dreads living in the loneliness of the abandoned castle again.
Spring arrives, and Cedrin begins to long for news that his family is safe. He is torn between a desire to leave or stay. Through books and strolls in the garden, Cedrin and Alaith grow closer. One day, Alaith unintentionally gives her identity away, and Cedrin figures out who she really is. She does not realize he made the connection. He decides that he will wait until she tells him herself, instead of bringing it up.

There is an enchanted mirror in the castle. again the transitions between paragraphs are a bit off-putting When touched, it will show events happening in the past or present. One day, Alaith sees how distressed Cedrin is? has become? from not hearing of his family, and she uses the mirror for him. They find that his family is well, and that Cedrin’s siblings have been searching for him. But they cannot find him, and they think that Cedrin is dead. okay family, wasn't it their idea to ship him off to mystery castle?

Desperate to let them know he is all right, Cedrin leaves immediately. Alaith catches him before he goes, and tells him not to come back.

Cedrin’s family is overjoyed to see him again. Though he worries about Alaith, Cedrin agrees to stay for a few days. Cedrin accompanies one of his sisters to a ball. While there, he strikes up conversation with another man—a visiting lord. Over the course of their discussion, Cedrin realizes that he is talking to Alaith’s father. The man mentions that Garan was in Bancad, and has gone on a ride in the evening by the woods. Garan has been missing for a few hours. Fearing that Garan may have found the castle, and that Alaith is in danger, Cedrin races to the castle. does the castle have a name? or perhaps he can race to warn Alaith?

Garan is already there when Cedrin arrives, but Cedrin was able to avoid being seen. is able to avoid being seen, you need to be consistent with your tenses He finds Alaith unharmed. Cedrin promises to take Alaith home with him, and keep her safe.
Be consistent with putting spaces between paragraphs, all formatting should be consistent
As they tried to leave, As they try to leave, Garan spots them. Though surprised, Garan recognizes both Cedrin and Alaith. why is he checking out this castle anyway? curiousity? He will not let Alaith leave, and Cedrin refuses to let her face Garan alone. Garan and Cedrin duel, standing on a balcony above the stone fountain.

Garan pins Cedrin against the banister and stabs him. The pain ebbs into numbness, and all Cedrin can think of is protecting Alaith. A glimpse reveals to Cedrin that he and his uncle are just above the tree’s branches, stone branches right? the fountain is made of stone? and he pushes himself backwards, pulling Garan with him. They fall, and Cedrin lands in the pool of water. Garan is impaled by the branches. ouch, this sounds physically difficult tho

Alaith rushes to Cedrin, trying to bind the wound in his side. Gently Cedrin stops her. They both know it is too late. With the little strength he has left, Cedrin tries to comfort her. He tells her that he chose this, that it is not her fault, that he loves her.
SPACE
The curse is broken, and the magic from one curse breaking releases the stone faerie lord and lady. Cedrin blacks out from blood loss just as the lord kneels, healing the wound. i call a bit of shenanigans, how does this curse breaking break the other one too? seems convenient

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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by sarahdee » June 30th, 2010, 12:24 am

Hi

I don't know if this is helpful as I am going on what I have read while trawling through my agents websites rather than any success in actually writing a synopsis (I'm asking for help on my own).

Many of the agents I have looked at ask for a one A4 page (or 2 at max) brief description of the story and not a detailed chapter by chapter account. So my only comment is the length. You seem to have included every single event in the story and all subplots. Also its very descriptive which may be more than is required. Could you reasonably cut out a lot of the adjectives, descriptions and give an easy to read brief story outline?

If the agents you are submitting to ask for such detail then just ignore me.

Sounds like an interesting story though. Good luck!

Sarah

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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by midenianscholar » June 30th, 2010, 10:31 am

But they cannot find him, and they think that Cedrin is dead. okay family, wasn't it their idea to ship him off to mystery castle?
In the family's defense, Cedrin left out the enchanted/crazy lady part, so they figured it was just ruins. :P

Sorry the tenses were so messed up. I wrote it in present tense, then rewrote it in past tense, then wrote it again in present tense. Also the formatting was right on my Word document... just got messed up when I pasted it. [/trying to justify the quality]
i call a bit of shenanigans, how does this curse breaking break the other one too? seems convenient
Yeah. The long story goes something like, "Well, the lord who was turned to stone was a faery who'd been stone for like hundreds of years, so that curse was wearing off anyway, and the burst of magic from Alaith's curse getting broken was enough from him to grab onto and use to bust himself out of his curse. Or something like that." The short story is, "Well, in the book it makes more sense. Please suspend your unbelief, yes?" Which... is equally lame. This is one reason I'd like to end it on a different note, because at least then the last thing you read isn't something that doesn't make sense.
Could you reasonably cut out a lot of the adjectives, descriptions and give an easy to read brief story outline?
Of course, agents are different. But in my research and on other writing forums, I've got the impression that it's supposed to be more of a short story than an outline. However, I have reduced down so it's a little more than one page. (And I'm all about cutting adjectives, so I've tried to watch that more.)

Thanks so much for the feedback!

Here's the most recent version, which still needs some help:
At the age of ten, Cedrin Alsan accidentally pushes his cousin into a well. The injury leaves Cedrin’s cousin mentally disabled. His cousin never recovers, and Cedrin's uncle, Garan, never forgets.

Cedrin grows up as the son of a shipping merchant, happy and prosperous. But while his father’s company is in a financial crisis, Garan calls in a large debt Cedrin’s father owed. The blow leaves Cedrin’s father bankrupt. With his parents and younger siblings, Cedrin moves to a remote province called Bancad.

Three years later, Cedrin travels to his home city. He pays an obligatory visit to his uncle. While Cedrin is there, he discovers a plot against the Lord Roesil of Bancad. Terrified of his uncle and fearing repercussions to himself and his family, Cedrin flees.

On his way home, Cedrin happens upon an old castle. The single resident is a woman, who is ugly and foul tempered. But when Cedrin finds out that Garan has made it too dangerous for him to stay at home, he returns to the castle for refuge. The woman, Alaith, agrees to let Cedrin stay when he tells her he is hiding from Garan.

Years earlier, Alaith Roesil had become engaged for an arranged marriage to Garan's son, even though he is insane. A young woman used to being spoiled, Alaith was disgusted by her betrothed and determined to escape from the marriage. One day she pushed him too far, pressuring her betrothed to jump his horse over a high fence. Both horse and rider died. Alaith was left numb by the shock of what she had done.

Garan was furious. In his grief and anger, he cursed Alaith. Her beauty would fade, and she would become ugly. She would be like a disease, he said, killing everyone around her. The curse would not end until a man could love her more than his own life. Alaith did not believe Garan had any power over her, but his predictions began to come true. The full realization of what happened to her came after her brother died. Broken and afraid, Alaith fled. In the wilderness of Bancad, she took shelter in an abandoned castle.

Within the main room of the castle, there is a large fountain formed around a stone tree. Two stone figures are part of the fountain—a man and a woman. Alaith discovers that they were the original lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride turned to stone by a curse.

Spring arrives, and Cedrin begins to long for news that his family is safe. He is torn between a desire to leave or stay. But when Cedrin finds out his family think he is dead, he leaves. Before he goes, Alaith tells him not to come back.

Cedrin’s family is overjoyed to see him alive. Though he worries about Alaith, Cedrin agrees to stay for a few days. Cedrin accompanies one of his sisters to a ball. While there, he strikes up conversation with another man—a visiting lord. Over the course of their discussion, Cedrin realizes that he is talking to Alaith’s father. The man mentions that Garan is in Bancad, and has gone on a ride in the woods. Garan has been missing for a few hours. Fearing that Garan may find the castle, and endanger Alaith, Cedrin races to warn her.

Garan has already found the castle, and is exploring it curiously. Cedrin is able to arrive unseen. He finds Alaith hiding. Cedrin promises to take Alaith home with him, and keep her safe.

As they try to leave, Garan spots them. Though surprised, Garan recognizes both Cedrin and Alaith. He will not let Alaith leave, and Cedrin refuses to let her face Garan alone. Garan and Cedrin duel, standing on the balcony above the stone fountain.

Garan pins Cedrin against the banister and stabs him. A glimpse reveals to Cedrin that he and his uncle are just above the stone tree’s branches, and he pushes himself backwards, pulling Garan with him. They fall, and Cedrin lands in the pool of water. Garan is impaled by the branches.

Alaith rushes to Cedrin, trying to bind the wound in his side. Gently Cedrin stops her. They both know it is too late. With the little strength he has left, Cedrin tries to comfort her. He tells her that he chose this, that it is not her fault, that he loves her.

The curse is broken, and the magic from one curse breaking releases the stone faerie lord and lady. Cedrin blacks out from blood loss just as the lord kneels, healing the wound.

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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by dios4vida » July 3rd, 2010, 4:00 pm

midenianscholar wrote: At the age of ten, Cedrin Alsan accidentally pushes his cousin into a well. The injury leaves Cedrin’s cousin mentally disabled. His cousin never recovers, and Cedrin's uncle, Garan, never forgets. Good start!

Cedrin grows up as the son of a shipping merchant, happy and prosperous. But while his father’s company is in a financial crisis, Garan calls in a large debt Cedrin’s father owed. The blow leaves Cedrin’s father bankrupt. With his parents and younger siblings, Cedrin moves to a remote province called Bancad.

Three years later, Cedrin travels to his home city. He pays an obligatory visit to his uncle. While Cedrin is there, he discovers a plot against the Lord Roesil of Bancad. Terrified of his uncle and fearing repercussions to himself and his family, Cedrin flees. I've read this synopsis a few times and I still can't figure out what exactly these two paragraphs have to do with your story. For the sake of brevity, you could simply say that Cedrin happens upon an old castle while traveling or returning home one day. Otherwise I was getting confused as to what your main storyline would be.

On his way home, Cedrin happens upon an old castle. The single resident is a woman, who is ugly and foul tempered. But when Cedrin finds out that Garan has made it too dangerous for him to stay at home, he returns to the castle for refuge. The woman, Alaith, agrees to let Cedrin stay when he tells her he is hiding from Garan. I think you could just stick with "she agrees to let Cedrin stay." You don't need to reiterate that he's hiding.

Years earlier, Alaith Roesil had become engaged for an arranged marriage to Garan's son, even though he is insane. A young woman used to being spoiled, Alaith was disgusted by her betrothed and determined to escape from the marriage. One day she pushed him too far, pressuring her betrothed to jump his horse over a high fence. Both horse and rider died. Alaith was left numb by the shock of what she had done. This is good but I think a bit more introduction would help it flow better. Something like "When Cedrin mentions that he is hiding from Garan, a wave of memories came flooding back to Alaith." I was really confused by this jump for a long, long time.

Garan was furious. In his grief and anger, he cursed Alaith. Her beauty would fade, and she would become ugly. She would be like a disease, he said, killing everyone around her. The curse would not end until a man could love her more than his own life. Alaith did not believe Garan had any power over her, but his predictions began to come true. The full realization of what happened to her came after her brother died. Broken and afraid, Alaith fled. In the wilderness of Bancad, she took shelter in an abandoned castle.

Within the main room of the castle, there is a large fountain formed around a stone tree. Two stone figures are part of the fountain—a man and a woman. Alaith discovers that they were the original lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride turned to stone by a curse. See comment during duel.

Spring arrives, and Cedrin begins to long for news that his family is safe. He is torn between a desire to leave or stay. But when Cedrin finds out his family think he is dead, he leaves. Before he goes, Alaith tells him not to come back.

Cedrin’s family is overjoyed to see him alive. Though he worries about Alaith, Cedrin agrees to stay for a few days. Cedrin accompanies one of his sisters to a ball. While there, he strikes up conversation with another man—a visiting lord. Over the course of their discussion, Cedrin realizes that he is talking to Alaith’s father. The man mentions that Garan is in Bancad, and has gone on a ride in the woods. Garan has been missing for a few hours. Fearing that Garan may find the castle, and I'd cut out "find the castle" and just skip to --> endanger Alaith, Cedrin races to warn her. The ball seems like another unimportant piece of information here. It would be just as effective to say "While Cedrin's in town, he discovers that Garan is in Bancad, etc."

Garan has already found the castle, and is exploring it curiously. Cedrin is able to arrive unseen. He finds Alaith hiding. Cedrin promises to take Alaith home with him, and keep her safe.

As they try to leave, Garan spots them. Though surprised, Garan recognizes both Cedrin and Alaith. He will not let Alaith leave, and Cedrin refuses to let her face Garan alone. Garan and Cedrin duel, standing on the balcony above the stone fountain. You could actually introduce the fountain here, instead of up above. It would make more sense...where the description is now I was wondering what the heck that fountain had to do with the story and had originally suggested you cut it out. Now that I know it's important, I think you should move that paragraph down here.

Garan pins Cedrin against the banister and stabs him. A glimpse reveals to Cedrin that he and his uncle are just above the stone tree’s branches, and he pushes himself backwards, pulling Garan with him. They fall, and Cedrin lands in the pool of water. Garan is impaled by the branches.

Alaith rushes to Cedrin, trying to bind the wound in his side. How did he get the wound? Gently Cedrin stops her. They both know it is too late. With the little strength he has left, Cedrin tries to comfort her. He tells her that he chose this, that it is not her fault, that he loves her.

The curse is broken, and the magic from one curse breaking releases the stone faerie lord and lady. You need a little explanation here. How does one curse breaking release the other?Cedrin blacks out from blood loss just as the lord kneels, healing the wound.
I really like this premise, and I can tell that your writing skills are very strong. Just a few little tweaks here and there and I think you'll be golden. Good luck!
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by midenianscholar » July 4th, 2010, 4:38 pm

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I think I'm getting to the final draft.

Dios4vida - do you still think I can cut the stuff about Garan and the plot against the Roesils that Cedrin finds out about? I think it explains why he ends up in the castle, and also introduces the fact that Garan hates Alaith's guts. But if anything can be cut, I am ready with the scissors.

Here 'tis:
Synopsis
The Fountain’s Edge
Young Adult
82,000

At the age of ten, Cedrin Alsan accidentally pushes his cousin into a well. The injury leaves Cedrin’s cousin mentally disabled. His cousin never recovers, and Cedrin's uncle, Garan, sets his mind on vengeance.

Nine years later Garan springs his trap on Cedrin and his family. Garan calls in a large debt Cedrin’s father owed, leaving him bankrupt. Suddenly impoverished, Cedrin’s family move to the remote province Bancad.

While paying an obligatory visit to his uncle three years later, Cedrin stumbles upon a plot against the Lord Roesil of Bancad. Fearing for his life and his family, Cedrin flies for home, but it is too dangerous for Cedrin to stay there. He discovers an old castle, inhabited by a hideous woman. When Cedrin tells her he is hiding from Garan, the woman, Alaith, agrees to let him stay. The mention of Cedrin’s uncle brings back bitter memories to Alaith.

Years earlier, Alaith Roesil had become promised in an arranged marriage to Garan's son, despite his mental handicap. In an effort to avert the marriage she tormented him. One day she pushed him too far, pressuring her betrothed to jump his horse over a high fence. Both horse and rider died. Alaith was left numb by the shock of what she had caused.

In grief and fury, Garan cursed Alaith’s beauty to become ugliness, and her affection to become a disease, killing anyone dear to her. The curse would not end until a man could love her more than his own life. Alaith did not believe Garan had any power over her, but his words began to come true. Finally, broken and afraid, Alaith fled. In the wilderness of Bancad, she took shelter in an abandoned castle.

Spring arrives, and Cedrin begins to long for news that his family is safe. He is torn between a desire to leave or stay. But when Cedrin learns his family thinks he is dead, he goes to them. Cedrin’s family is overjoyed to see him alive. But one day he hears that Garan is exploring in the woods of Bancad. Fearing that Garan may find the castle, and endanger Alaith, Cedrin races to warn her.

As Cedrin and Alaith try to leave the castle, Garan spots them. He will not let Alaith leave. Garan and Cedrin cross swords on the balcony above a stone fountain, fashioned in the same of a tree. Within the fountain, two stone figures—a man and a woman – forever gaze at one another. Long ago they were the lord and lady of the castle, a faery and his bride turned to stone by a curse.

Garan pins Cedrin against the baluster and stabs him. Cedrin throws himself backward, tumbling with his uncle down into the tree’s stone branches. Cedrin, battered, lands in the pool of water. Garan hangs impaled by the branches.

Alaith rushes to Cedrin, trying to bind the wound in his chest. Gently Cedrin stops her. They both know it is too late. With the little strength he has left, Cedrin tries to comfort her. He tells her that it is not her fault, that he chose this, for he loves her.

Her curse is broken, and the magic of the castle is released, restoring the stone faerie lord and lady. As Cedrin is stepping over the threshold of death, the lord kneels beside him, healing his wound.

Deja
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Re: Synopsis - The Fountain's Edge

Post by Deja » July 7th, 2010, 12:30 pm

Wow!

I love the revisions and the idea is sound, though I do think that there are some verisimilitude issues within the story. The main things I have are the mirror and the fairy lord and lady. I am sure that within the story itself they are well laid out in detail so they aren't randomly dropped in to allow them to be together in the end, but here it seems they are convenient and random. If their existence is intwined with the reason why she is at the castle or something else then it works. I actually like them there as it sets is apart from the Beauty and the Beast concept. So in conclusion, I think if they are brought into the storyline, they won't seem so out of place or contrived as a Deus Ex Machina. Great job though. I look forward to reading more about it.

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