Query: Middle Grade Fantasy

[nkk]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forums. I would deeply thank anyone who reviews my query letter, and answers my big question - would you care to read this book? I promise I will review at least three other queries on the forum to pay it back.

Dear [Agent Name],

Neil Shastry lives with his parents and grandmother in a two-storied ancestral home, that is in desperate need of repair. His father jokes about it, his mother likes to turn it inside out and his grandmother likes to reminisce the glory days of the house.

Next door, lives Lekha Kalyan. Neil’s best friend, and his complete opposite. Neil is overlooked, ridiculed and observant. Lekha is vivacious, smart, and outgoing. When their school takes them on a museum visit, Neil observes something that Lekha attributes to Neil’s overactive imagination – an object flying inside an old scenic painting.

That is, until Lekha finds reason to rebel against her disciplinarian father. The two embark on a perilous break-in at the museum to discover the secret behind the painting, which turns out to be a portal to a hidden land named Aranyanagari.

The only problem is that everyone in the land is enchanted asleep. Over a series of hilarious events, Neil finds a magical veena that gives him the power to intermittently awaken the Kinnaras, one of the many magical beings of Aranyanagari.

Together, they unravel the truth – that a group of mercenary humans who are without any magical powers themselves,(motivated by corruption, and a desire to control the world without the magical dominance of Aranyanagari) have somehow banished the land asleep inside a painting.

The children battle water monsters, travel to Kuberan palaces housing wonderful treasures, meet Airavats – the cloud transport officers and the mystical Talalenis. All the while, dodging the humans in the outside world, who don’t want anyone to discover their secret.

‘Neil, Lekha and the case of the Cabinet Maker’ is 57,301 words and is the first book in a middle-grade children's fantasy trilogy. I am a merit-holding Chartered Accountant with twelve years of corporate experience spanning multiple countries. This is my first novel, born from the fatigue of adulthood. I am signing this letter with my chosen Pen Name (my legal name is XXX).

I’d be thrilled if you would consider this book for representation, while I am also submitting to other agents. Following this letter are the requested three chapters for the submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[Muse_Clio]

Dear NKK, The First thing I'm seeing is punctuation--I'm seeing a lot of commas that feel unnecessary. Next thing is: what's a veena? Is Aranyanagari the place or the name of the population? Or is it like Maya, both the name of the people and their world--so to speak? If the name of the people is Kinnara, why/how does Aranyanagari have magical dominance?

I don't care about the house, it seems to have no bearing on the query. If you want to make it clear he's a kid, give us an age, something like: "On a field trip to a museum, 12-y/o Neil and his best friend, Lekha discover a mystery lurking in a dusty painting."

Overall, I find the query clunky. Pare down, pretend you're doing a PitMad event on the website formerly-known-as-twitter, 150 word hard limit. If this critique comes off harshly, please know it wasn't meant that way.

Reread, Revise, Repost.