Query critique 8/26/21

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my paranormal mystery novel, THIEF OF BREAN. The book is complete at 75000 words and is first in a planned duology.

A serial murder case with no witness or evidence is Detective Carleton Lavely’s last shot at keeping his job.

The murders have a common pattern—a slit on the wrist. But the case isn’t his only concern. He is also experiencing voices and images in his head; he can talk to fire and draw people’s past with soot—all triggered by the consumption of a magical drug at the height of inebriation.

When Carl finds Lily—a victim of mafia mugging and attempted murder, he draws a similarity between the killing patterns—slitting of the wrist. Lily’s claim about the killer mafia gang seems to be straightforward. But Carl must know better. He must see through the deceit. Finding the real killer could require Carl to do more than just mortal investigations. And facing the killer could mean facing one’s own death.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[J. T. SHEA]

Interesting! I just have a few thoughts:-

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my paranormal mystery novel, THIEF OF BREAN. The book is complete at 75000 words and is first in a planned duology.

A serial murder case with no witness or evidence is Detective Carleton Lavely’s last shot at keeping his job. (EXPLAIN WHY PERHAPS?)

The murders have a common pattern—a slit on the wrist. But the case isn’t his only concern. He is also experiencing voices and images in his head; he can talk to fire and draw people’s past with soot—all triggered by the consumption of a magical drug at the height of inebriation.
(SO HE HAS TO GET DRUNK ON ALCOHOL FIRST? PERHAPS MAKE THAT CLEARER.)

When Carl finds Lily—a victim of mafia mugging and attempted murder, he draws a similarity between the killing patterns—slitting of the wrist. Lily’s claim about the killer mafia gang seems to be straightforward. But Carl must know better. He must see through the deceit. Finding the real killer could require Carl to do more than just mortal investigations. And facing the killer could mean facing one’s (HIS) own death. (LILY'S DECEIT? MORE SPECIFICS WOULD HELP HERE.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(Thanks to the author and Nathan!)