DEEP POV

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DMLANGEL1101
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DEEP POV

Post by DMLANGEL1101 » December 21st, 2019, 3:21 pm

As you may already know, DEEP POV (Point of View) is the latest rage and I am reading all kinds of books on it in an attempt to understand how to do it. Here is my latest attempt. Any suggestions for improvement would be greatly appreciated.

Gideon awoke to sirens, a bright light hurt his eyes and he was instantly nauseous and dizzy, but at least the voices in his head had stopped. . Below him he saw a pool of blood and a human female's corpse lying on the floor next to him. As he looked down, there was a woman's motionless body, whose pulps were the size of small saucers in his pitch-black bedroom.
Around the edges of the bright light stood a huge man in an all-black uniform with a gold badge with a scar on his face stood over Gideon, urging him to get out of bed.
A strange voice ordered, "Wake up, young man, there is a dead woman lying here on the floor beside you!"
The man pointed a blue steel pistol barrel at Gideon's head. Gideon backed against the bedroom wall, and said, "This is strange. You're kidding, right?"

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: DEEP POV

Post by J. T. SHEA » December 30th, 2019, 6:06 pm

I'm not quite sure about Deep POV being the latest rage. Your piece seems in a fairly normal POV to me. Perhaps I am just so used to Deep POV that I take it for granted. Anyway, I'll just reproduce your piece with a few suggestions:-

Gideon awoke to the blare of sirens. A bright light hurt his eyes and he was instantly nauseous and dizzy, but at least the voices in his head had stopped. Below him he saw a pool of blood and a woman's corpse lying in it on the floor next to him. Her pupils seemed the size of small saucers in his mostly dark bedroom.
Around the edges of the bright light stood a huge man in an all-black uniform with a gold badge, and a scar on his face, standing over Gideon, urging him to get out of bed.The man's strange voice ordered, "Wake up, young man, there is a dead woman lying here on the floor beside you!"
The man pointed a blue steel pistol barrel at Gideon's head. Gideon backed against the bedroom wall, and said, "This is strange. You're kidding, right?"

Overall, a classic Noir opening, though to really follow tradition, the dead woman should be a blonde!

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