Query for LOST LUGGAGE

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Anna
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Query for LOST LUGGAGE

Post by Anna » December 18th, 2009, 8:18 pm

Hi Everyone,
Please see below for my first attempt at writing a query. I am new to this and very open to any kind of feedback, good or bad. Thank you for reading and your precious time.


Dear Agent,

By mistake, seventeen-year-old Gracie picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, which she later discovers that there's $100,000 in it. Her best friend, Amara pressures her to keep the money, convincing her that the two of them could split it and splurge the cash on clothes and shoes.

Reluctantly, Gracie agrees. Big mistake. She's in for a big surprise when she receives a list of names in the mail and a letter informing her that the big boss wants his money. At first, Gracie doesn't take the list seriously but when her mother disappears, she becomes afraid.

Gracie must return the money before the next person listed disappears: Amara. Problem? Just when she decides to return the money, the luggage money she tucked away in her closet is gone.

My first young adult novel, LOST LUGGAGE is complete at about 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
M.E.

abouttothunder
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Joined: December 10th, 2009, 12:12 pm
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Re: Query for LOST LUGGAGE

Post by abouttothunder » December 18th, 2009, 9:14 pm

Dear Agent,

By mistake, seventeen-year-old Gracie picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, which she later discovers that there's $100,000 in it.This is wording is a little awkward. Try rephrasing. Her best friend, Amara pressures her to keep the money, convincing her that the two of them could split it and splurge the cash on clothes and shoes.Maybe something like: Her best friend, Amara, convinces her to keep the money... Pressure and convince are redundant.

Reluctantly, Gracie agrees. Big mistake. She's in for a big surprise when she receives a list of names in the mail and a letter informing her that the big boss wants his money. At first, Gracie doesn't take the list seriously but when her mother disappears, she becomes afraid. Maybe say, Gracie dismisses the threat until her mother disappears.
Gracie must return the money before the next person listed disappears: Amara. Problem? Just when she decides to return the money, the luggage money she tucked away in her closet is gone. These last couple sentences could stand to be reworded and tightened. I'm sorry that I can't quite think of how right now.

My first young adult novel, LOST LUGGAGE is complete at about 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I'm new at this too, and I hope I haven't been too blunt. I like your story idea and think that you have a good hook. It also seems that you have the bones of a good query. Others will probably be able to offer you far more constructive feedback. Good luck with your project.

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CharleeVale
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Re: Query for LOST LUGGAGE

Post by CharleeVale » December 18th, 2009, 10:18 pm

Anna wrote:Hi Everyone,
Please see below for my first attempt at writing a query. I am new to this and very open to any kind of feedback, good or bad. Thank you for reading and your precious time.


Dear Agent,

By mistake, seventeen-year-old Gracie picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, which she later discovers that there's $100,000 in it. Her best friend, Amara pressures her to keep the money, convincing her that the two of them could split it and splurge the cash on clothes and shoes.

Reluctantly, Gracie agrees. Big mistake.
This seems choppy to me, I can really say what I would change it to, but it seems awkward. She's in for a big surprise when she receives a list of names in the mail and a letter informing her that the big boss wants his money.When I first read this it wasn't until later that I understood that the list was people she knew. I thought it was a list of names that she needed to pay the money to, or the people who were going to come after her or something. Could you clarify that? At first, Gracie doesn't take the list seriously but when her mother disappears, she becomes afraid.

Gracie must return the money before the next person listed disappears: Amara. Problem? Just when she decides to return the money,Again, seems choppy. the luggage money she tucked awayI would say she is hiding it in some fashion rather than 'tucking it away' in her closet is gone.

My first young adult novel, LOST LUGGAGE is complete at about 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
M.E.
Please take these with a grain of salt!

CV

Alexandra Little
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Joined: December 7th, 2009, 1:04 pm
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Re: Query for LOST LUGGAGE

Post by Alexandra Little » December 18th, 2009, 11:24 pm

Dear Agent,

By mistake, seventeen-year-old Gracie picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, which she later and discovers that there's $100,000 in it. Her best friend,[delete comma] Amara pressures her to keep the money, convincing her that the two of them could split it and splurge the cash on clothes and shoes.

Reluctantly, Gracie agrees. Big mistake. She's in for a big surprise when she receives a list of names in the mail and a letter informing her that the big boss wants his money [awkward wording, unclear who the names refer to. Also unclear why the "big boss" wouldn't just come over and hold a gun to her head and demand the money back, considering that they obviously know who she is. Big plot hole that would suggest to an agent or editor a problem with the novel rather than the query itself.]. At first, Gracie doesn't take the list seriously but when then her mother disappears, she becomes afraid.

Gracie must return the money before the next person listed disappears: Amara [it would seem that getting her mom back would be more important than the next person on the list, considering she would seem to be the more important. Problem? Just when she decides to return the money [again, wording needs to be cleared up: her mother's disappeared, is returning the money is even a decision at this point?], the luggage money she tucked away in her closet is gone.

My first young adult novel, LOST LUGGAGE is complete at about 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
M.E.
WIP #1: young adult fantasy, rewriting/editing
WIP #2: young adult fantasy, first draft
WIP #3: young adult fantasy, twinkle in the author's eye

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shadow
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Re: Query for LOST LUGGAGE

Post by shadow » December 18th, 2009, 11:35 pm

Let me do my stuff here :D

Dear Agent,

By mistake, seventeen-year-old Gracie picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, which she later discovers that there's $100,000 in it. Weird structure and wording, I suggest you rearragne it. Maybe something like When seventeen-year-old Gracie accdentally picks up someone else's luggage at the airport, she discovers one 100k. Well that's just off of the top of my head, I am sure that you will think of something better :D Her best friend, Amara pressures her to keep the money, convincing her that the two of them could split it and splurge the cash on clothes and shoes. This isn't critical but wow her best friend is shallow lol! Not bad structure though here.

Reluctantly, Gracie agrees. Big mistake. She's in for a big surprise when she receives a list of names in the mail and a letter informing her that the big boss wants his money. The Big Boss?? Makes me think of some fat guy from the Mafia. Who exactly is he?? Does he call himself the big boss? At first, Gracie doesn't take the list seriously but when her mother disappears, she becomes afraid.Gripping! Good stuff.

Gracie must return the money before the next person listed disappears: Amara. Problem? Just when she decides to return the money, the luggage money she tucked away in her closet is gone.

My first young adult novel, LOST LUGGAGE is complete at about 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Best of luck and Happy writing!
~shadow~
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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