Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Mary-Catharine wrote:This is a portion of my query letter and I'm wondering if I need to give a little more or a little less. Or does the summary sound a little generic (I can't think of any other word). Should I give a little more about the story? Is this too basic? Your thoughts?



CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. ENTER. On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from a Rumspringa lass, Sailor Crownan. She is intrigued by the fact that Wallace wears a navy bandana over his face to hide his bilateral cleft lip and uses a T.I toy to speak. But Wallace hides a lot more than just his scars under the cloth of his mask. Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a brainwashing cult leader, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 57,755 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a Podunk bus stop and ends with a funeral with death, sex, and candy in between points A-B. Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND, might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Mary-Catharine wrote:This is a portion of my query letter and I'm wondering if I need to give a little more or a little less. Or does the summary sound a little generic (I can't think of any other word). Should I give a little more about the story? Is this too basic? Your thoughts?



CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. ENTER. After reading the sample pages I get what this is, but I don't think an agent will understand On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve release? rather than reprieve, unless he only has a reprieve and he has to go back in a few days or something from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from a Rumspringa maybe it's just me but I don't know what "Rumbspringa" is... what is it? lass, Sailor Crownan. She is intrigued by the fact cut out "by the fact" that Wallace wears a navy bandana over his face to hide his bilateral cleft lip and uses a T.I what's that? toy to speak. But Wallace hides a lot more than just his scars under the cloth of his mask. 'his cloth mask" would be tighter Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, no hyphen here Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters why not just say "Wallace encounters a nude..." a nude flower child, a brainwashing cult leader, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 57,755 round word count to nearest thousand word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a Podunk why is this capitalized? bus stop and ends with a funeral with death, sex, and candy in between points A-B. to many "with"s for me, seems awkward Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND, might enjoy "will enjoy" would be stronger here PALOOKA EXPRESS.