Old Post

[Mary-Catharine]

Everyone has been very helpful on this site-- I apologize for responding so late. However, I'd like for all of you to know that I'm very greatful and I've had some time to take off and mature as a writer. I'm looking over my old Query *cringe*. It's relgiously inaccurate and basically 50,000 words from a rambling maniac: myself. Indeed, I regret to admit that I was having a nervous breakdown writing the novel. I've begun a new project (mental breakdown free). Formally, I'd like to apologize to those who you pointed out my inaccuracy to the Mormom religon.
I still hope to return to editting PALOOKA EXPRESS, and hopefully it was make it's debut in stores.
I hope the viewers on this forum will appreciated my new novel, NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT.

Thank you for welcoming me back, I'm excited to get some critcism!!!!!

[Quill]

Some flavor but insufficient info. You've talked about characters, and, I suppose, setting. I'd like to know a bit more what it's about. What's the main conflict in your story?

[BlancheKing]

This is a portion of my query letter and I'm wondering if I need to give a little more or a little less. Or does the summary sound a little generic (I can't think of any other word). Should I give a little more about the story? Is this too basic? Your thoughts?



CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. ENTER. On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from a Rumspringa lass, Sailor Crownan. She is intrigued by the fact that Wallace wears a navy bandana over his face to hide his bilateral cleft lip and uses a T.I toy to speak. But Wallace hides a lot more than just his scars under the cloth of his mask. Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a brainwashing cult leader, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 57,755 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a Podunk bus stop and ends with a funeral with death, sex, and candy in between points A-B. Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND, might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Sound effects are interesting, but the clicks reminds me of McEwan's Atonement. I would love to read the book once its published; the idea is interesting. However, listing in a query may not yield the best results.
Also, is it your intention to shout with all the capital letters and exclamation marks? Your topic has a very ostentatious title. It detracts from the quality writing you have on the inside. Just a suggestion.

[kenpochick]

Ooo! Ooo! Me!! I want a hyrbid puppy/kitten/bunny/zebra!!!!

CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. ENTER. On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from a Rumspringa (I'm not sure what that is?) lass, Sailor Crownan. She is intrigued by the fact that Wallace wears a navy bandana over his face to hide his bilateral cleft lip (does she know that why he does it?) and uses a T.I toy to speak. But Wallace hides a lot more than justhis scars under the cloth of his mask. Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, (literally or figuritevly? I read a lot of fantasy.) Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a brainwashing cult leader, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by By then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 57,755 58,000 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a Podunk (lower case) bus stop and ends with a funeral. with death, sex, and candy in between points A-B. (That last phrase is really awkward, try rephrasing.)Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND, might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Ok, where's my hyrbid?

[Mary-Catharine]

Oh My Gandhi! Everyone thank you so much for your replies! This was exactly what I was looking for. I feel so freakin' welcome here it's ridiculous all the love I'm feeling. Thank you so much for the criticism that was much needed. I will definitely hop to it!
Special thanks to Blacheking, Quil, kenpochick! You guys are fantastic. Thank you for making me feel welcome to this forum!

[Emily J]

This is a portion of my query letter and I'm wondering if I need to give a little more or a little less. Or does the summary sound a little generic (I can't think of any other word). Should I give a little more about the story? Is this too basic? Your thoughts?



CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. ENTER. After reading the sample pages I get what this is, but I don't think an agent will understand On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve release? rather than reprieve, unless he only has a reprieve and he has to go back in a few days or something from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from a Rumspringa maybe it's just me but I don't know what "Rumbspringa" is... what is it? lass, Sailor Crownan. She is intrigued by the fact cut out "by the fact" that Wallace wears a navy bandana over his face to hide his bilateral cleft lip and uses a T.I what's that? toy to speak. But Wallace hides a lot more than just his scars under the cloth of his mask. 'his cloth mask" would be tighter Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, no hyphen here Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters why not just say "Wallace encounters a nude..." a nude flower child, a brainwashing cult leader, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 57,755 round word count to nearest thousand word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a Podunk why is this capitalized? bus stop and ends with a funeral with death, sex, and candy in between points A-B. to many "with"s for me, seems awkward Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND, might enjoy "will enjoy" would be stronger here PALOOKA EXPRESS.

[wilderness]

I agree with Quill - you haven't really focused on a hook or conflict. The details are interesting but it seems like a random series of events.

Try to answer these questions within your query:
What is your one sentence log line or hook?
What is the character's main goal and main conflict?
Why is the goal so important?

Hope that helps!

[Mary-Catharine]

Everyone has been very helpful on this site-- I apologize for responding so late. However, I'd like for all of you to know that I'm very greatful and I've had some time to take off and mature as a writer. I'm looking over my old Query *cringe*. It's relgiously inaccurate and basically 50,000 words from a rambling maniac: myself. Indeed, I regret to admit that I was having a nervous breakdown writing the novel. I've begun a new project (mental breakdown free). Formally, I'd like to apologize to those who you pointed out my inaccuracy to the Mormom religon.
I still hope to return to editting PALOOKA EXPRESS, and hopefully it was make it's debut in stores.
I hope the viewers on this forum will appreciated my new novel, NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT.

Thank you for welcoming me back, I'm excited to get some critcism!!!!!