Hounds of Heaven, SF Novel, Chapter 1

[JTB]

you could get on in up there straight by starting @ “Alright, Hounds, suit up and get ready. We’re dropping in blind."

much better opening line me thinks (cut back to the rookie later)

the flow of the action is slightly stop start stop start by stuff you could explain later maybe - telepathy etc, explaining that you have to go in silent. Just, 'i go in silent' - there's basically too many decisons and telling us about those decisions rather than just getting on with the action.

thought you might have needed on a cliff hanger at the end to draw us into chapter 2 too

but, overall some clear straightforward writing

[lightelement94]

I was enjoying myself while reading this, which methinks is the important thing. There are a few bits that should be tweaked just for ease of reading and style, but beyond that, I like it very much. Though I agree it would be cleaner to cut most of the explanation in the first few paragraphs (most of those points should become clear early on in your world as it is) I do like some of the descriptions, especially that of the "craziest batshit of a pilot." If you want to keep some of those interactions, it shouldn't be too difficult to play with the order of introduction in the scene.

Hm...
I'd change "Sure thing! The only thing..." to be a period instead of an exclamation point. Exclamation points can be very annoying if not used carefully. Plus, I have no idea who would be so peppy about flying in blind. =/

"Titanium-colored plating is full of dents, scratches, and where bullets have impacted the armor." Sounds a bit incomplete; I'd just add, "...scratches, and pits where bullets have impacted the armor." Or something like that.

"I grab my exo and make him watch what the poor fools in the elevator are about to meet." I might just be tired but this doesn't make much sense to me and doesn't align with what happens next.

"...but I don’t like anyone else being inside my head but me and my demons." I'd just reword to say "except me and my demons" to avoid using "but" too much in the same sentence. Nit-picky, but it flows nicely.

Try spicing up your use of speaking verbs with more than the occasional "said" or "says." Characters "whining," "sniveling," and etc. can get a point across, but it's better to express it in your dialogue than revert to colorful verbs. Similar idea with the exclamation points--don't rely on them except for a very occasional effect.

"...she seems to be staring at us, or possibly pitying us." Sounds a little off. "...she seems to be staring at us with something almost like pity." Better? I dunno, fiddle with it. =)

[HillaryJ]

Thanks for the feedback, I'm at work so I just made a quick edit with the suggestions about changing the first couple paragraphs. I do like the fact that the rookie Dext is explaining, and the only reason being is as an Army veteran he reminds me of so many privates I knew who would just talk and talk, not really grasping the situation at hand. But I changed it around a bit, and let me know, I actually kind of like it like this, opening up into action. Makes it more edge on your seat exciting if I were reading it.

“Alright, Hounds, suit up and get ready: we’re dropping in blind. Check your gear and the brother next to you. We drop in five minutes.” I appreciate this drop into the action, because in a few sentences you also give us the setting. This is military, and they're coming in by air.
The three exos I had to re-read this because my mind went to XO, which didn't make sense for the mission, before I realized that this is your terminology, not a rank. Not sure if anyone else might be confused my that. latch their armored helmets onto their power-armor suits. Each rugged metal alloy suit isn’t much larger than the soldier wearing it, but the suits are the only things protecting their fragile human bodies from the damage they’re about to take. Each suit looks as though it’s been through hundreds of wearers by the time these exos were fitted. Titanium-colored plating is full of dents, scratches, and where bullets have impacted the armorMaybe replace this with "bullet strikes" just for a better flow.. The visors are no longer clear, from the beating they’ve taken over timedelete - you've already explained that they've been through a lot. Time is assumed. Massive hulks of metal that serve as humanity’s saviors, their only defense against the hostile world they now live in. Rik and I don't need much to keep us safe,I keep my light armor on, and stay in human form. Rik has already stripped all of his gear and clothing, getting ready to transform into an unstoppable warrior. Being a werewolf does have its advantages from time to time. I like how you ease this is. Smooth, and early enough in the story that we don't feel deceived. Nice juxtaposition with the frailty of humans and what they've done to emulate the weres' abilities.

“I was born in this Hell. I feel like you need to say that this is the rookie here, so there is no confusion. Your call.The world is engulfed by a disease, a sickness that has enslaved most of humanity and sold us to the highest bidder. The rest live like dogs beneath the city. Eight hundred years ago vampires and demons were made public. The veil that hid them was ripped down by the Devil’s only son, and soon after that the disease began to spread. Vampires and demons began to change so many, so quickly, humanity never had a chance.”

Click … click … click. The explosive uranium rounds go smoothly into the magazine.

“First it was news reports across the oceans: vampires and demons destroying and infecting entire cities, taking over governments. It wasn’t hard to see they were cutting the head off the snake. Systematically taking out the leaders of the world and letting humans destroy themselves from fear. A world destroyed by the demons of Hell and built back up in their image. A futuristic dystopia, built on a world thriving with technology that has continued to fall apart around us. Vampires rule the city of Necro, this same city where Lady Liberty once gave us hope—but hope is a word I haven’t heard in a long time. That is, until Humanity Against Devil’s Servants or what we all call HADES came along and stood up against the Devil’s army. They’ve made their move and have been able to give mankind a fighting chance—and the feeling that not all is lost.”if this is still the rookie talking, I feel like he's spewing exposition rather than talking...can some of this get pushed back so it doesn't feel like an info dump while you're trying to built toward high action?
The magazine snaps into the Dagr IV assault rifle, and the ammunition indicator lights up.

“Vampires don’t even know”
“Newbie, cut the chatter and get your shit ready,” I snap. “Our drop point is coming up soon.”
The rookie knows his place, and he resumes his equipment check where he left off. All the training and classes aren’t going to prepare him for what we’re going up against. One of the new additions to the Hounds of Heaven Recon Team, Dext is one Rather than repeating "one", maybe mke it more detailed "One of the new additions to the Hounds of Heaven Recon Team, Dext is in the top three percentile of successful hackers" or somethingof the best hackers around. He might have little experience in combat, but his technological skills are unmatched in HADES. Most rookies go in guns blazing their first time, or they stand there like a rock and get filled with holes. Not sure which one he’s going to be. Dext is the youngest soldier I’ve ever had in my command. From what his training record says, he’s tough, and ready for anything. I’m surprised though. He’s *delete rather* muscular for a kid who spends all day tinkering with electronics. But a quick look past the muscles and it’s easy to tell from his baby face and the soft look in his eyes that he’s never seen combat. I’m sure those eyes will tell a whole lot more once he’s been in our unit a few years. I pat the side of his helmet and head *delete up* toward the cockpit to talk to the craziest batshit of a pilot flying for HADES. A pilot fixated on what he’s read about gunslingers in the old west, he never gets caught without his dusty cowboy hat, and faded duster coat. He's *delete has a* spindly *delete body*, with arms full of tattoos; might say he’s full of piss and vinegar. He’s even constructed a classic gunslinger belt to hang his two plasma pistols from.

“Hey, Grinder, when we get close, just set it up so we can freefall, and after that just keep under the radar.”
“Sure thing! The only thing is, we’re not getting any kind of radar because of all this rain—we’re flying blind. We might crash right into our fucking drop zone.”
“Just get us close, and I’ll take care of the rest.”
I look out the window and hope the sky is blue: maybe we’re flying toward Oz. But I still see the dirty dark shithole I call home. Home, sweet home …
The exos fix themselves into their freefall pods. Rik and I do the same. As my freefall pod hatch opens, I can feel the cool breeze and smell the acidic rain falling down.
“Everyone get ready! I’m initiating manual freefall on the count of three!”
One … Two … I pull the lever early. Every little bit counts to try and keep my men on their toes.
As the freefall pods spiral down from the Hounds’ anti-gravity transport ship, the pods’ rocket systems kick in. I misjudged the AT elevation; it’s too late to stop the pods from slamming through the roof and crashing into the top floor of the blood bank.

I find this really interesting. I like the building action and, which includes some explanation of the world. I suggest dropping some of the stuff the newbie is saying...maybe read it aloud to yourself and ask whether it's likely that this character would be talking like that...giving this much history to people who already know it, just to talk. You aren't very far in to the story, so maybe some of that stuff, that isn't necessary to the upcoming action, can come up a little further into the story.

Great start. Look forward to more.

[JTB]

drewes - what I meant was - drop into the action, not just change the first line. Now you've changed the first line and then gone off on a load of description and still getting ready to go in.

Drop into the scene where they're going in for the Vampires and go for it, get in there e.g.

“Alright, Hounds, suit up and get ready: we’re dropping in blind.”
The room is filled with dust, broken ceiling tiles, and flickering lights from the dangling fixtures we’ve knocked off above.
“Head count.”
The vampire enforcers inside the elevator scream as Rik rips them apart. His claws rip through their basic-issue combat suits, and his teeth tear open their pale white flesh.
“Hey, Rik,” I call, as their screams fade, “you done fucking around? I have a blood bank I’d like to take down sometime tonight.”
Rik sticks his head out from the elevator doors; the blood on his muzzle mats the fur covering his face. Fresh blood drips from his mouth, forming a pool underneath him.
“Just cut the shit and get downstairs. Four enforcers down in Sublevel 1.”

# unless you want to make it a slow build up and then sudden attack, make a decision on pace, it's still stop start, stop start

[Emily J]

Just one suggestion:

Scrap the rookie's dialogue unless you intend to name him Basil Exposition. The dialogue is stilted, feels forced and the character is clearly a mouthpiece for the author here. Clearly you have a complex world, one that involves lots of supernatural/mythological elements but slow down, you don't have to explain everything right away. I think that letting the reader wonder about the history of this strange futurescape will actually create interest. Let the backstory unfold slowly and through the actions and words of multiple characters.

Hope that is helpful-