Query : GEMINI CURSED - paranormal romance (2nd Try)

[wilderness]

Every twenty-three years, Anna Rodwen embarks on a new search to find the only man she's ever loved -- a pattern she's been forced to repeat for five centuries.

Growing up in Tudor England, Anna is far too independent to believe in the notion that marriage will equal happiness. Then Thomas comes along, with his sarcastic and playful nature, and complicates things. Changing the way she looks at love is easy, but building a life with him proves difficult. A powerful witch wants Thomas' affections for herself and a curse from their fallout leaves Anna immortal. When a fatal illness sweeps through the country, Anna attempts to use a magic she doesn't understand, in order to save Thomas' life. A mistake on her part leaves him with an existence far different than her own, and sets the irreversible pattern into motion.

Now, for the first time in five hundred years, Thomas is nowhere to be found. Frustrated and worried, Anna turns to her son, Tristan, for a sympathetic ear. When Tristan goes missing as well, she's convinced neither disappearance is an accident. Anna has no idea what forces she may be up against this time, nor does she care. All she knows is she must find a way to locate the two people who matter most -- or face eternity alone.

I love the first line. It is your hook - what makes your book unique. So In the second paragraph I would skip the details of why she's in love with Thomas. Just make it a fact, the details don't really matter to your hook. Go to " When a fatal illness sweeps through the country, Anna attempts to use a magic she doesn't understand, in order to save Thomas' life. A mistake on her part leaves him with an existence far different than her own, and sets the irreversible pattern into motion." From here, explain the curse more clearly -- I'm confused about how 23 years plays into it. Then the final bit should be about how he's gone missing and she needs to find him. I would remove explanation about her son too because he comes out of nowhere.

In summary, I think you have a great hook, the curse of immortality & repeated history with Thomas. I would concentrate on the details of that.

Good luck!

[gonzo2802]

Thanks, wilderness. I think you're right. I'm trying to put too much other info into the query that tends to make it more jumbled than it needs be when the main hook is intriguing enough. Focus on that and let all the other layers fall into the synopsis.

Thanks again all!

[ryanznock]

The second query is much improved, but I think wilderness has the right of it. Cut out extraneous details, and perhaps use the extra space to add more about the 'current day' plot. If I were considering the book, I'd want to know more than just the set up of how Anna got here. I would want to read what challenges - in broad overview, but with hints of specifics - she has to overcome.

How do you relate the story? Is it primarily present day with flashbacks, or is the background just background, with the focus on modern events? Or do you go in chronological order, or do completely wonky Pulp Fiction-esque timeline jumps? You don't need to explain how it works, but you want to capture a similar feel in the query. If the bulk of the story is present day, though, you definitely need to devote a larger part of the query to that.

I disagree with JTB; if the query is interesting enough - and you're certainly getting there - an agent will spare a minute to read a couple of paragraphs.

It sounds interesting.

[JTB]

yes, I disagree with myself too, obviously there's no limits on the nature of a query ...