QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (fantasy)

[johydai]

Here is my query...

NOTE: NEWEST QUERY AT THE END!
____________________

Dear [Agent Name],

Nadine’s sheltered and ordinary life changes when a letter from the king arrives requesting that she be present at the Embers Ball. Unaware of his motive, Nadine reluctantly attends, only to find herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero, Kellan. With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the Rebellion, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon—that possesses a golden vein in its heart that can grant its consumer with immortality. Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed and adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and oath to protect with her life.

THE LAST DRAGON, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
Johydai
________________

Thank you!

[lachrymal]

It seems like the last sentence of your primary paragraph is where your story starts, and that's where I suggest you start your query. The rest seems like backstory. I know you're trying to convey how isolated/mundane her life has been before the invitation arrives, but I think describing where her bed is located is probably unnecessary detail in a query.

I also suggest you break up some of those super-long sentences--the last two sentences in that paragraph are 53 and 52 words, respectively. And proofread carefully (I think you mean "change", not "chance").

For a 100k word novel, I know you've got a lot more story in there and it sounds very interesting--so how about using a more standard query formula: say who the protagonist is, what's the conflict/choices she must make, and what's at stake?

[lachrymal]

Hey! Your second version is a little closer!

Here are some things I'd like to know:
You indicate Nadine has a sheltered, ordinary life, but you say nothing else about her. Therefore, I don't understand why she would end up engaged to a prince, nor do I understand why a white witch would summon her and charge her with this task. Nor do I really understand why she would accept such a task, and what's at stake if she fails. Why is she special? I think you hint at it obliquely when you mention the inherited art of controlling water, but I think I'd love to see something a little more clearly stated, so I don't have to guess. And, is she part of the rebellion, too? Is the kingdom a terrible, repressive, hot (what with the fire-warping) place because of the selfish actions of its king?

Also, I want to make sure I understand (so if I'm wrong, you can see where I went astray): In the kingdom of Embero, there's a rebellion, and the last dragon is its only hope (though for what, or to do what, I am not sure). The king and his fire-warping (I think you do need that hyphen there) minions are out to get the rebellion. The king's son, the prince, who may or may not be living in the same castle with his father, is also the masked soul of the dragon. Or, perhaps, rides the dragon while wearing a mask. Because sometimes we refer to people as souls (that poor soul, she's an old soul), that part's not clear to me.

As I said before, I think your story sounds very interesting, but I think the query might need to intrigue me with Nadine earlier, and may need to clarify, just a little, about the nature of the rebellion and the king's motivations, as well as what's at stake for Nadine.

I also suggest you break it up into maybe two paragraphs so it's not just one block of text. I look forward to reading the revision!

[GeeGee55]

This mighty beast possesses a golden vein - a filament in it's heart - etc. This is a sentence from the Belle version of the query, it's a great sentence. Keep it.

[A.M.Kuska]

I can't resist critiquing this. I love young adult fiction, and your plot line reached in and grabbed me. I can tell it's the sort of book I'd rush to the counter to buy.

Nadine’s sheltered and ordinary life changes when a letter from the king arrives requesting that she be present at the Embers Ball. Unaware of his motive, Nadine reluctantly attends, only to find herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero, Kellan.

Recently I recieved a twitter critiquing the first line of my novel, showing me how much better the sentence could be if I put the action first. I tried it, and it worked wonderfully. I've been a fan ever since. I believe this would work very well here also.

Example:

Nadine, a sheltered and ordinary [job/title/age description], finds herself engaged to her aroggant foe the Prince of Embero when she attends the Embers Ball.

Obviously I just tossed that off, so it won't reflect the care and attention you could put into it, but it does show the difference action provides. I'm not telling or even suggesting you do this. I just wanted you to be aware of the option of action.

With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the Rebellion, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon—that possesses a golden vein in its heart that can grant its consumer with immortality. Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed and adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and oath to protect with her life.

I'd cut the underlined, as they seem redundant. Mostly, this query seems pretty f lawless. I just wanted to show you a few doors I wish I'd known about sooner. Best of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful author with a very promising book.

[johydai]

NEWEST QUERY:

Nadine, a sheltered and ordinary seventeen-year-old, finds herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero when she attends the Embers Ball. With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the Rebellion, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart--that can grant its consumer with immortality. Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and swore to protect with her life.
_______

Thank you.

[shadow]

Keep in mind that I have not looked at any of your other versions...

Nadine, a sheltered and ordinary seventeen-year-old, finds herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero when she attends the Embers Ball. Finds herself engaged? It's not something that just happens. I can't just go to some ball and get engaged. My qustion is how? With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. Is this a unicorn that you are speaking of? While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the RebellionWhat rebellion?, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon Why her? Why is she chosen?. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart--that can grant its consumer with immortality. Me like! lol.Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling waterWhy does she need to control water?, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. Ok here I see. I think you should merge the two sentences before.However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and swore to protect with her life. Very nice! Love how you wrap this up!

[ahalaw]

johydai,

In the first line, I might cut "her arrogant foe" and just call Kellan "arrogant," if that's possible. Also, perhaps explain that Nadine was forced into an engagement. In the next line, can you call the winged horse a Pegasus?

Next, there's something about using the word "consumer" that's a little too literal for me--as in one who consumes. Can you rephrase this?

Later you say "the king that hunt it." What does "it" refer to? You might want to clarify this.

Lastly, I like how you include the twist with Prince Kellan, but maybe you can build more suspense by being less specific--tease the reader. Something like, "However, she soon learns that Prince Kellan is not the villain she thought; in fact he and her beloved Dragon share a sacred bond that she can only guess at..." Or something along those lines. Just an idea.

Nice job with the revisions. Keep at it!

--ahalaw

[Matthew MacNish]

NEWEST QUERY:

Nadine, a sheltered and ordinary seventeen-year-old, finds herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero when she attends the Embers Ball. With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the Rebellion, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart--that can grant its consumer with immortality. Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and swore to protect with her life.
_______

Thank you.

First off this story sounds like a really cool idea. I like the idea of an ordinary girl becoming the hero through no choice of her own, especially in this fantasy setting. The idea/premise is the first thing an agent is going to consider and I think this is a pretty cool one. That being said the second thing they'll look at is the hook, or the first line after the intro. Yours is good but it could be better. I wouldn't use the word sheltered because to me sheltered has a negative connotation, maybe shy or naive or something would work better but you would know best - maybe that's just me. Ordinary is not as bad but you might do better to use her occupation or role before she becomes the savior of the land - maiden, apprentice mage, acolyte, seamstress, pickpocket, lazy teenager, whatever she did. Ordinary makes her sound a little dull - maybe that's your point but it will turn an agent off I think.

Finding herself engaged sounds a little passive, but I think you changed that based on previous feedback. I would try something like this for the 1st sentence/hook:

17 year old maiden Nadine won't stand for being forcibly engaged to her arrogant nemesis the Prince of Embero. She discovers the horrid news whilst trapped attending the Embers Ball, but having nothing to lose, except perhaps her head, she flees into the night clinging to the back of a (her?) winged horse (incidentally I like winged horse here better than Pegasus, I think it gives the sentence better rhythm, but this is all matter of opinion).

What magical forces? This sounds really vague and needs to be left out or explained. It is a spell cast by the white witch? If so say so. Is it magical creatures that are the white witches minions? If so tell us, they sound exciting.

The part about the witch selecting Nadine is intriguing, but why was she chosen? Does she have some dormant power? A birthright? Is her innocence and naivete necessary for her to fulfill her role? Without one of these or something else it doesn't make much sense.

The sentence about the dragon's golden vein is awesome, it seems like the central conflict to your story. I have to agree with a previous comment though, the word consumer does not fit her. Just say "This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart--that can grant immortality to anyone." It may be important in your story that the heart has to be eaten, but it isn't important in the query.

"Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water" I think you mean experienced in. And here we discover why she was chosen - or at least it seems. Is her controlling water the same as the armies fire warping? If so maybe call it warping water. I like the idea of her being a novice at her inherited art, but she has to learn to use at at some point or what chance has she against her enemies? I also don't like the word Embero - it sounds like a cross between embryo and ember - but maybe that's intended, as a name for a land/nation/kingdom in a fantasy setting it doesn't really matter but since their armies seem to use fire it sounds a little too obvious - just an opinion. The end of the sentence "the king that hunt it" needs to be fixed too. Try "the king that seeks the golden vein within the heart (or just "the king that seeks the heart").

The last sentence is great, and definitely sparks the conflict as others have said. It could be perfected though. One option:

However, Nadine is shocked to discover that her betrothed, Prince Kellan, is also the masked and tortured soul behind the Dragon she loves and swore to protect at any cost.

You don't need adversary, because we already know that, and you don't need kind-hearted because he has to be good if he's connected to the dragon. I like "at any cost" but "with her life" works just as well.

Of course make sure to add a greeting tailored to a specific agent, and add a thanks and contact info to the end, but I'm sure you knew that and wanted advice with the meat of the letter.

I think this is an awesome premise for a story and with some polish you could have a great query. I'm looking forward to reading any revisions.

In the meantime check out my blog below if you want to have a chuckle about what NOT to do in a query letter.

[mmcdonald64]

Here is my query...

NOTE: NEWEST QUERY AT THE END!
____________________

Dear [Agent Name],

Nadine’s sheltered and ordinary life changes when a letter from the king arrives requesting that she be present at the Embers Ball. Unaware of his motive, Nadine reluctantly attends, only to find herself engaged to her arrogant foe the Prince of Embero, Kellan. With nothing to lose, except her head, Nadine flees on the back of a winged horse. While on the run, she is summoned by magical forces. The white witch Evangeline, Leader of the Rebellion, presents Nadine with the daunting task of protecting the Rebellion’s last hope, the Last Dragon—that possesses a golden vein in its heart that can grant its consumer with immortality. Inexperienced on the Divine Art of controlling water, Nadine must learn to use the inherited art in order to fight the fire warping armies of Embero and the king that hunt it. However, Nadine is unaware that her betrothed and adversary, Prince Kellan, is also the masked, kind-hearted soul behind the Dragon she loves and oath to protect with her life.

THE LAST DRAGON, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
Johydai
________________

Thank you!

Hi there. I'm not a big fantasy fan, so I can't comment whether this query works in that regard, but I did notice that it doesn't seem to have much voice. It's a straight summary of your novel, for the most part. I know this, because mine was exactly the same. (only I couldn't see it--not at first.) I found the Query Ninja, Elana Johnson, and she had a great post on her blog a few weeks ago, most of which is re-stated here in her other blog on Querytracker.net Post I hope my link worked, but if not, basically, she says that one way to capture the voice is to write the query in first person from the characters pov. Yeah, I know. It's a big no-no to write 1st person queries. Don't worry, you're going to go back and change the 'I' s to She or He, and change it from past tense, if that's how you wrote it, to present tense. When you do that, you'll probably find that the query almost writes itself. You *know* your character. Even if your book is written in third person, it can work. Just have her tell her story in her own words, as she would say them, not you. (dang, that sounds so schizophrenic! haha.)

I did that to my query, ran it past a few more people, and a friend submitted it in a query class she took, and following that advice, I tweaked it some more. I don't know if I'll ever get an agent, but I do know that my query is about a hundred times better than it was. (It was extremely bad, so there was no place to go but up. Really.)

[Ellie G]

I feel like you're still giving us a lot of information that's not really necessary for the agent to be able to envision what your story is like (and in some cases, it's actively confusing the issue.) Do we really need to know that Nadine is engaged at the Embers Ball or flees on a winged horse? That the leader of the rebellion is the White Witch Evangeline? Maybe we do—you know your story better—but right now those details are disjointed and confusing, pulling the focus of the plot in all different directions. Try to boil it down to the bones: why she's running, why the dragon is in danger, why she has to be the one to protect it, what difficult situation will she have to get out of.

(I don't know if offering illustrative rewrites is frowned upon on these forums, so apologies if I'm making a gaffe.) I cobbled this together from some of your previous versions, not to say “use this!” but to illustrate what I'm talking about:

Seventeen-year-old Nadine refuses to marry arrogant, ruthless Prince Kellan, even though the marriage is the Queen's dying command. On the eve of the grand wedding, she flees this obligation—and runs headlong into another. Nadine has been marked from birth to protect the Last Dragon, the final hope for the kingdom's rebel forces. When the leader of the Rebellion summons Nadine in the midst of her flight, she has no choice but to accept her destined responsibility.

The king's armies are burning a path across the land to capture the dragon and the immortality-granting gold vein in its heart. Aided by an aspiring soldier and his sister, Nadine escorts the dragon toward the Rebellion's distant headquarters [or wherever they're going] while struggling to master her inherited water-controlling powers. As she gets to know the dragon, she falls in love with the kind human soul inside the beast and begins to dream of a future with him.

But what she cannot guess is that Prince Kellan, who by day hunts her at his father's bidding, is with her by night as the Last Dragon.

[mmcdonald64]

I think you made some great suggestions, Ellie.

[Erica75]

Quick point - if the dragon is essential to the plot (as indicated by its presence in the query), shouldn't it have a sex? Using "it" seems cumbersome in the least. And remember to leave us hooked - can you really summarize a 100,000 word novel in so short of a paragraph? There must be something you're leaving out that makes us want to read more...