Query "Blood of Ihdun' YA Urban Fantasy

[stardog911]

k done the revision. sorry it took so long. Had to catch up to my real life! :)

[stardog911]

Had three people finish reading the whole book and good reviews from everyone. :) See if this query reads better! I want to try sending it out again. Thanks everyone!

[corriegarrett]

I think your query is shaping up nicely, definitely easier to understand and more active and exciting. The only suggestion I would offer is not to re-use the names for the elves - Amrun'Quisser (sp?), etc. I think you should leave in the first mention of them, to give a feel for your world, and afterward just refer to them as light and dark elves. You told us her mother and father were one and the other, but I had to refer to the previous sentence to figure out which was which. I assume in the book we have time to get used to the titles, but in the brevity of a query letter it gets a little too confusing too fast. I enjoy fantasy books with their own vocabulary, but it's not really what the story is about, so it might be better to downplay the words you've created in the query. Good luck!

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Stardog:
Rather than offer a critique, I just played with your sentences a bit to try to make them flow better and to make some of the verbs stronger. Maybe it's just me, but when I saw the title I thought Blood Indian, but I am not familiar with this genre, so maybe it's ok. Good luck with your story.

Dear Agent,

When seventeen year-old elf Kat(elf and Kat don't sound nice together but I've got to know she's an elf right off the bat, maybe adding her last name would help) finds out her dying Grandmother is asking for her, she returns to her family’s estate in Ogden, Utah. In the Ladies Room at the airport, Kat is attacked by an invisible ?, receiving a stinging cut on her neck. She fights back with unexpected strength and speed, wounding her attacker and sending him fleeing. She is astonished to see the scratch (try not to use the same word twice/ use the thesaurus) he inflicted miraculously heal before her eyes.

When Kat arrives (I'm not sure you've got the right word here, makes it sound as if the voices/dreams begin the moment she arrives) at her Grandmother’s, she hears imaginary voices and her dreams are troubled by people she has never met. She finds out her Grandmother has been using her own elven gifts to block Kat’s memories of the past. Feeling betrayed and doubting her Grandmother’s love, she falls into a fevered dream where all of the forgotten memories crash over her.

She awakens with incredibly heightened senses as well as strength and agility beyond belief. She learns (how? she overhears in a conversation? while spying on her grandmother?) of the Mori’quessir, the Dark elves, and that her father is one of them. Her mother is an Amrun’quessir, a Light elf. Their union makes Kat Tel Tinu en’Meiva, the Daughter of Balance and the one spoken of in Quessir prophecy. It predicts her choices will tip the scales of balance,either to the side of good or mankind will fall deeper under Dark elf, Fallen Star’s evil influence.

Jian, his accomplice, wants the Fallen Star free from his bonds. She will stop at nothing to accomplish her goal. This is a cliche, perhaps cut In order to save herself, her grandmother, and the world Kat must deal with psychotic goblins, invisible assassins, a poisonous hallucinogenic and two men vying for her romantic attention, or do they have other motives? This last sentence is a bit rough, you can probably think of something better.



Blood of Ihdun is a completed 108,000 word urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[stardog911]

Thanks GeeGee. I will work with it rightaway here. I'm not comfortable with 17 year old elf Kat because she doesn't know she's an elf at first. I will work the rest though. Back inna bit.

[stardog911]

Any input is awesome thanks!

[stardog911]

How does this query sound instead?

Dear Agent,
Seventeen year old Kat is haunted by dreams of people she's never met. Well maybe "people" isn't the right word, a small boy with wings, psychotic goblins and a drop dead, gorgeous elven prince! BLOOD OF IHDUN is a Young Adult/Urban Fantasy. I feel you would be a great choice to represent my book because you have worked with …

Kat is sure that none of these creatures could be real. Right? But, her life is sent spiraling into a world of surprise when she learns that there are Fey living hidden among us. Kat has always believed she was an average teen, never suspecting that she is anything but. When Jian, a Dark Fey tries to assassinate her, Kat discovers her family has lied to her about who and what she is. Kat is an Elf and unbelievably, she's the 'One' that will keep the Dark Fey from freeing their Master to wreak havoc on modern day America.

Having a mother from the Light Court and a father from the Dark Court makes her the perfect candidate to fulfill a centuries old prophecy, a role that she is reluctant to fulfill. It seems the fortune cookie's improbable message from the other night was coming true. "You are destined to do great things, but beware of dark influences."
Blood of Ihdun is complete at 106,000 words. Thank you for your time.

[stardog911]

tightened my query up as well as dropping just about 3k words from the novel!lol

[lachrymal]

Hi Stardog, I couldn't tell from your most recent post if you wanted feedback on this or not. If not, please disregard below. If so, I hope this is helpful.

Dear Agent,
Seventeen year old [you need hyphens here: seventeen-year-old] Kat is haunted by dreams of people she's never met. Well [comma here] maybe "people" isn't the right word, [make this a colon or a dash. A comma isn't strong enough] a small boy with wings, psychotic goblins [comma here] and a drop dead [hyphenate drop-dead], [no comma here] gorgeous elven prince! [this exclamation point strikes me as odd and overblown. Use them sparingly] BLOOD OF IHDUN is a Young Adult/Urban Fantasy. I feel you would be a great choice to represent my book because you have worked with … [I don't find your hook particularly compelling. I'd put your title, genre, and agent-specific stuff at the end and keep describing the plot]

Kat is sure that [you can delete this "that"] none of these creatures could be real. Right? [this "right" adds nothing and is awkward. I understand you're trying to add some voice, but I think there are more effective ways to do it] But, [no comma here] her life is sent spiraling [this is somewhat cliched.] into a world of surprise [her life spirals into a world of surprise. That is a somewhat strange and vague way of conveying something I am sure--having read your previous queries--is a lot more interesting than that] when she learns that [delete "that"--totally unnecessary]there are Fey living hidden among us. Kat has always believed she was an average teen, never suspecting that [another unnecessary "that"]she is anything but. When Jian, a Dark Fey [you need a comma here--it's a parenthetical notation that needs commas on either side] tries to assassinate her, Kat discovers her family has lied to her about who and what she is. Kat is an Elf [you need a comma here because what comes after is an independent phrase] and unbelievably [What does this word add to your query?], she's the 'One' that [this "that" should be a "who". People are "who"; objects and animals are "that"]will keep the Dark Fey from freeing their Master to wreak havoc on modern day America [I don't know why, but this phrase "modern day America" struck me as odd. Perhaps because I assumed the setting was contemporary. You give no hints otherwise].

Having a mother from the Light Court and a father from the Dark Court makes her the perfect candidate to fulfill a centuries old prophecy, a role that [another unnecessary "that"] she is reluctant to fulfill [you use "fulfill" twice in this sentence. Also, I think this sentence adds nothing to your query. You've already said she's "the one", so this is just extra stuff.]. It seems the fortune cookie's improbable message from the other night was coming true [why do you switch to past continuous tense here?]. "You are destined to do great things, but beware of dark influences." [Again, this ending hook is not as compelling as it needs to be.]
Blood of Ihdun is complete at 106,000 words. Thank you for your time.

So--you said you tightened up your query, so you may not need any of this at all. In general, I don't get a great sense of Kat and why she's reluctant. I think the "just wants to be an average teen" thing is done so often and is not compelling (particularly because I think many adolescents have fantasies about being special ...hey, don't we all?)--is there any other reason she might not want to fulfill a prophecy? She's scared sh*tless? She doesn't want to miss prom? I am also baffled as to why you chose to lead with a description of her dreams, as I don't see the tie-in with anything else in the story.

[stardog911]

k lachrymal, reworked it. try this.

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Kat is haunted by dreams of people she's never met. Well, maybe "people" isn't the right word: a small boy with wings, psychotic goblins and a good looking elven prince who also happens to be an absolute jerk. Kat is certain none of her dreams are real, especially the one about marrying G.L.E. prince.

Kat has always believed she was an ordinary teen, with an ordinary family and never suspected that Rose, her grandmother, would betray her by using elven powers to hide Kat's memories deep within herself. When Jian, a Dark Fey, tries to assassinate Kat, she discovers her family has lied to her about who and what she is. Kat is an Elf, born of an immortal race who's birth was in the Garden of Ihdun.

Born of a woman from the Light Court and a man from the Dark Court, the Fey believe Kat is the 'One' from a centuries old prophecy. She is the Daughter of Balance who will keep the Dark Fey from freeing their Master. Kat must find the balance within herself as well as evening the scales between light and dark before the world is lost to the Dark Lord and his evil influences.

Kat should have believed her fortune cookie's ominous message from the other night. "You will find that which is hidden, but beware of the darkness within. Balance is all."

Blood of Ihdun is a Young Adult/Urban Fantasy complete at 106,000 words. I feel you would be a great choice to represent my book because you have worked with …Thank you for your time.