Suburban Fantasy Query

[A.M.Kuska]

Rip it up. ^^ I'm a certified member of the masochistic thick skin club.

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Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Elizabeth Brooke laughed when Peter, the boy she gave riding lessons to, claimed he was a unicorn. At least she did until a team of uniformed bounty hunters began crawling around her house, asking questions, looking for him—and threatening her when she tried to stand in their way. Now the boy is missing, and Elizabeth must face a difficult choice. She can either save Peter from the bounty hunters that pursue him, or save herself from the same fate.

Life of a Suburban Unicorn is an 80,000 word suburban fantasy, geared towards young adults.

I have several short stories published, my favorite being Dragon Psychology, available at http://www.sniplets.com. Recently, I placed in the 24-hour short story contest held by Writer's Weekly.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Name]
[address]

[ahalaw]

I have my reservations about starting with a rhetorical question. Just think of all the other writers doing the same thing. The rest of the paragraph reads smoothly, with the exception of a missing "is" in the following sentence: "Life of a Suburban Unicorn, an 80,000 word suburban fantasy, geared towards young adults." Also, hyphenate "80,000-word."

A final consideration is that your letter is only three paragraphs, the last two of which are real short. You may have cut too much of your story. Can you elaborate on what you meant by being "swept away by the truth about unicorns"? Or how a human could be a unicorn? This could add some body to the letter.

Good luck.

--ahalaw

[A.M.Kuska]

Thank you, I found your response very helpful Ahalaw!

I edited my query to correct the missing word. How embarassing, I thought I'd caught all those little errors. I'm glad you mentioned the size of the query. Most of the articles on querying I have read suggested keeping it short, and three paragraphs was even recommended in several cases. I also thought it was a little short, but I wanted feedback to be sure. Thank you so much for bringing it up. I'll look at fleshing it out when I sit down with my afternoon Starbucks.

Thanks again, I'm very pleased with your suggestions.

[shadow]

here i go!
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Elizabeth Brooke laughed when the boy she gave riding lessons to claimed he was a unicorn, and that he thought she was one too. I really think you should consider strengthening your hook. I see your novel is YA but by reading this I would go for MG. At least she did until a team of uniformed bounty hunters began crawling around her house, asking questions, looking for Zev—and threatening her when she tries to stand in their way. Who is Zev? Now Zev is missing, and Elizabeth must face a difficult choice. She can either save Zev from the bounty hunters that pursue him, or save herself from the unicorn within. That right there does not make sense to me at all. She has a unicorn within? It's great that your query is not too long but you do need to explain a little more.

Life of a Suburban Unicorn is an 80,000 word suburban fantasy, geared towards young adults.

I have several short stories published, my favorite being Dragon Psychology, available at http://www.sniplets.com. Recently, I placed in the 24-hour short story contest held by Writer's Weekly. If you didn't place first or second they probably don't need to know. It's your story that the agents will want to sell not you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Name]
[address]

Sorry if I came off too harsh:)

[A.M.Kuska]

Actually, harsh critiques make me gloat and carry the printed version around like a prize bone...I love the chance to improve my work. I do like your thoughts, and I think they're constructive, but I'm gonna need a little help with your first comment. You say I need a stronger hook, but a few more details would make editing the query a little easier. What didn't work for you? Was it boring? Silly?

It's hard to do in a paragraph, but I'm really trying to avoid silly. I'd like the essence of real danger to be infused in the first sentence of my query, but I'm at a loss as to how. I know it's something of an imposition, but if you have the time and inclination, would you help me break apart this opening line and see what would make it better?

I do like your suggestion of middle grade. I took a careful look at my storyline, where I want it to go, and just how much of it I wanted to scrap, and realized...MG is perfect. I am profoundly grateful to you for this suggestion. I'll start editing right away.

[lachrymal]

I see you've edited this a lot, and when I first read this new version, I thought it was pretty good. My big concern is that now, when I read the last sentence of your first paragraph, I was entirely unsure of the "fate" to which you're referring. I couldn't tell if it was being pursued by bounty hunters or being a unicorn. It actually sounds more like the former than the latter the way it's written now. You probably want to clarify that.

It does sound more MG, though I don't know the material in your novel--that's just what the query sounds like. Very cute, though.

[shadow]

Hey again! I am glad you took in the idea for Mg because that's what your story really sounds like! Let me see what I can think of with your hook...

For me the main problem is the part where she laughed. I mean that sort of makes the hook a bit unrealistic if you know what I'am saying. I mean what's so funny? I suggest using something like strong adverbs that would describe her skepticism towards what the boy said. In fact would she even really remember the comment or just forget it since it was a little boy that told her? I don't think I really put much thought at all into what toddlers say because well... they are toddlers and I know toddlers don't make sense. Also when bounty hunters came why did she link them to the boy and the unicorn talk? Was it the questions that they asked that linked the two topics together? Is Zev a unicorn she knows? Try to answer all of these questions in your query.. Good Luck and I will come back to help more if you will need :)

[A.M.Kuska]

aaah, and now it's crystal clear to me where I went wrong. The boy isn't a toddler, he's just not old enough to be called a man. I'll rework this query so it's clear the unicorn talk isn't coming from a baby's mouth.

[shadow]

lol my bad then. I just figured that the girl was too young to teach a boy older then her and the start made me imagine one of those girls riding around the little children on horsies :)

[A.M.Kuska]

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

When thirteen-year-old Elizabeth finds out her mother has leased their estate for the summer, she is furious. The guesthouse isn't much bigger than a mobile home, and it's features are so primitive the kindest word Elizabeth can come up for it is, “Quaint.” Still, Elizabeth is certain she can handle a summer in the guesthouse, until she finds out her mother plans to set her up as part-time slave for the renters.

Elizabeth doesn't want anything to do with Zev and Peter at first, but as mysterious things start happening, Elizabeth gets curious. With a little bit of pressure, Peter confesses their big secret: That he and Zev are really unicorns disguised in human form.

Elizabeth is amused until she finds out Joseph Thunderhead, a friend of her mothers, is a unicorn hunter looking for the two. Joseph not only believes that Zev and Peter are unicorns, he believes Elizabeth may be one too. Now Zev is missing, and Elizabeth must face a difficult choice. She can either save the two from the bounty hunters that pursue them, or save herself from the same fate.

Life of a Suburban Unicorn is a middle-grade novel complete at 30,000 words. The finished manuscript, or a partial, is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Name]
[address]

[ljkuhnley]

I think this sounds like a fun story. I'm definitely intrigued by the concept. I would suggest adding a stronger sense of Elizabeth's character by giving a few specific details about her involvement and reactions to the story events.

Good luck with this!

[Erica75]

Okay, you're getting there and I see what you're doing with your changes. When I read the first one, I thought "My nine-year-old (who reads ahead of grade level) will love this" and am glad you changed the definition to MG. When I read the second one, I thought "MG readers don't use words like estate, motor home, primitive, and quaint." I'm guessing the best hook you have isn't that Elizabeth once was rich and spoiled and is now a slave (?). Start with the hook - the unicorns are good and compelled me with the first query. Put your character's voice back in it and I think you have a winner! I hope this makes sense - I don't want to give you explicit changes or it'll be in my voice, since it seems you can write a compelling story, but have trouble summarizing it (the same problem I have). Good luck and great story!

[A.M.Kuska]

Yes Erica, it does makes sense. :) I've never been so excited about a story idea in my life. It's hard to write a sensible query when I just wanna scream random words that describe the story and jump up and down. >.<