Black Hole Son (Draft #3)

[theWallflower]

Here is my latest version, taking in all the feedback. I am also soon going to post a version that takes a different approach to the structure.

Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, visions flash through his head--he can read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills and some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, he discovers he can set things on fire with his mind.

Both have strange instincts to protect people, but neither knows the other exists. Events work to shape these two blank slates.

Remy escapes into a hotel and feels obligated to save a battered woman. Using his powers, he breaks into their room, but receives a severe beating when his gun fails. He befriends a spunky female police officer who might help, until mysterious agents run him out of the hotel. Homeless, he joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy where his talent for "finding things" makes him an important part of the team. The acceptance falters when he runs into another psychic.

Meanwhile, Ash gains a thirst for justice after surviving a mugging. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. Ash needs to keep the job, but his leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully. His do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his own crime-stopping methods, culminating in a showdown between the two.

As they strike out on their own, their parallel journeys lead them to the pharmaceutical corporation that tyrannizes the city. And they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[jessicatudor]

This is much better, Wallflower! I still don't like the first two sentences of the parallel paras because they seem kind of pretentious/trying too hard/yet gimmicky, BUT the rest is much more coherent now, and the parallel stuff is a stylistic choice that works for others and might feel off just to me.

[Ryan]

Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, visions flash through his head--he can read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills and some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, he discovers he can set things on fire with his mind.

Both have strange instincts to protect people, but neither knows the other exists. Events work to shape these two blank slates.

Remy escapes into a hotel and feels obligated to save a battered woman. Using his powers, he breaks into their room, but receives a severe beating when his gun fails. He befriends a spunky female police officer who might help, until mysterious agents run him out of the hotel. Homeless, he joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy where his talent for "finding things" makes him an important part of the team. The acceptance falters when he runs into another psychic.

Meanwhile, Ash gains a thirst for justice after surviving a mugging. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. Ash needs to keep the job, but his leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully. His do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his own crime-stopping methods, culminating in a showdown between the two.

Instead of getting so detailed with Remy and Ash, how about giving a little background on the overall antagonist and problem. Give some teaser/tidbits about what these pills do and the pharmaceutical corporation's evil plans.

As they strike out on their own, their parallel journeys lead them to the pharmaceutical corporation that tyrannizes the city. And they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I like the structure. It gives it a nice little rhythm when you read it.

There! I thought about "Wallflowering" you, but it's just not in my nature.

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Wallflower:

Just a few suggestions about word choice to make it more clear

Here is my latest version, taking in all the feedback. I am also soon going to post a version that takes a different approach to the structure.

Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, visions flash through his head--he ( mention that it's a new found ability )(can read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley with no memory and no identity. But he has some pills and some money. When he loses his patience(this is so close to patients and seeing as the setting is a hospital you might want a different phrase) in a hospital, he discovers he can set things on fire with his mind.

Both have strange instincts to protect people, but neither knows the other exists.(I think it would be more impactful just to say - Neither knows the other exists. And cut the sentences on both sides of it) Events work to shape these two blank slates.

Remy escapes (from what? does he escape or is he drawn to the hotel?) into a hotel and feels obligated(would compelled be a more accurate word?) to save a battered woman. Using his powers, he breaks into their the room, but receives a severe beating when his gun fails. He befriends a spunky female police officer who might help, until but mysterious agents run him out of the hotel. Homeless, he joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy where his talent for "finding things" makes him an important part of the team. The acceptance falters when he runs into another psychic.

Meanwhile, Ash gains a thirst for justice after surviving a mugging. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. Ash needs to keep the job, but his leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully. His do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his own crime-stopping methods, culminating in a showdown between the two.

As they strike out on their own, I'd begin the sentence heretheir parallel journeys lead them to the pharmaceutical corporation that tyrannizes the city. And they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves. This last is good.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[ahalaw]

I like how you grab the reader by stating Remy's situation immediately. You follow it up by juxtaposing another interesting situation with Ash. That being said, my reservation is that you haven't identified the title, genre, word count, etc., until the second to last paragraph. I've done this too in my queries; I want to grab readers' attention from the getgo and wait until later to mention the other details. Right now I'm torn between the two approaches. The standard one, I think, is to start with your hook, then follow with a line or two about the work (its genre, length, etc.). I know that sounds boring and as a writer you want your pitch to leap off the page, but I don't know how agents respond to this approach. It might work for some and not others. Maybe you can draft two queries--one for more "conventional" agents, and sumbit this one to "riskier" agents.

Just some thoughts; I hope they help.

[theWallflower]

Here is a link to a new approach, for those who want to follow the progress: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1151&start=0