QUERY: The Griffinborn

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

And, I must say, Brendan, I appreciate your response to everything. Very professional. The right attitude goes a long way.

Best,
Ink

[Brendanjparedes]

I understand Wallflower's point, since my own inclination when I am critiquing someone else's work is not not pussyfoot around and get right to the point, Ink. The flipside of that, Wallflower, is that I've found my critiques are listened to more when I take a step back from beating them over the head with it with outright bluntness, to just being direct with a few examples to highlight my point. Fortunately, i do have think skin and don't mind bluntness as long as the crit is constructive.

Ok, seems the general consensus is that this is a little too repetative and a little too subtle. Rather than whetting the reader's appetite for more, it tends to dull it. Interesting. Alright, I was trying a different route with it, here's what I was originally using. Maybe it's more a matter of direction:

Rory Balenford always believed in luck. Luck had taught him how to survive as a pickpocket on the streets and guided him to the one man more interested in his skills as a rogue than a cut of his purse. But when a thief escapes him with the darkest treasure hidden in the deepest vaults of the castle he’s long protected, he’s worried his luck may have deserted him at last. To serve the Griffin Lords he’ll have to track down the thief and recover the lost relic before it can be used to resurrect a horror from the past. He’ll have to travel a world far greater than the streets he once called home. And he’ll have to trust a bigger thief than himself who seems to have no problem using Rory and his friends as bait to settle his own scores in the process. Not that he’s complaining since if there’s one lesson he’s learned, the Griffinborn always repay their debts!

The Griffinborn is a heroic fantasy set in a sprawling epic world. The street born hero is awakened to his own potential through the eyes of a man who is everything he could be and believes he isn’t. It is about dynamic heroes awakening from the misconceptions of their believed fates and taking that all important first step to see the first glimpse of a more important destiny.


...and yes, even blunt comments like Wallflower's will be appreciated. Need to find the right tone for this puppy!

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Brendan:

I don't know this genre, so just a few comments on the flow/word choice. I do think this version is better.

Rory Balenford always believed in luck. Luck had taught him (can luck teach? do you mean helped him?)how to survive as a pickpocket on the streets and guided him to the one man more interested in his skills as a rogue than a cut of his purse. (Needs a bit more info to bridge to this next sentence. Lord Griffin hires him to protect a dark treasure hidden in the deepest vaults, etc ..)But when a thief escapes him with the darkest treasure hidden in the deepest vaults of the castle he’s long protected, he’s worried his luck may have deserted him at last. To serve the Griffin Lords purpose,he’ll have to track down the thief and recover the lost relic before it can be used to resurrect a horror from the past. He’ll have to travel a world far more vastgreater than the streets he once called home. And he’ll have to trust a bigger thief than himself who seems to have no problem using Rory and his friends as bait to settle his own scores in the process.This long sentence is a bit awkward Not that he’s complaining He should be complaining, it would add conflict since if there’s one lesson he’s learned, the Griffinborn always repay their debts!

Good luck with it. It sounds interesting!

[johydai]

For generations the Griffin Lords of Galenburg have guarded a secret. For generations they have dreaded the world discovering it. When unthinkable happens and their sinister patron reminds them of their debt, they are forced to turn to their one time street rat and now most disreputable of lieutenants to retrieve it. To serve the Griffin Lords, Rory Balenford will have to travel a world far broader and more dangerous than the mountains of his birth. The one time rogue will have to put his trust in a thief far bolder than he ever dared dream who has no problem with using Rory and his friends as bait to settle his own scores in the process. Not that he’s complaining since if there’s one lesson he’s learned, the Griffinborn always repay their debts!

The Griffinborn is a 130,000 word heroic fantasy set in a sprawling epic world. The street born hero is awakened to his own potential through the eyes of a man who is everything he could be and believes he isn’t.

I am currently working on editing the completed draft of a follow up to it, and laying out the sequel to The Griffinborn itself. I would deeply enjoy the opportunity to send you the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I think people have pretty much covered what I see on this query. My advice would be to cut the word count. This could be done simply by removing any words ending in -ly and removing the word "that" from your manuscript. That should shorten your word count.

[Matthew MacNish]

In theWallflowers defense I will say that he posts a lot, usually with keen advice, and usually with direction as well, including partially in this post. That being said I have to agree with Ink that dissing any part of anyone's work, without saying why, or offering any direction or suggestion as to how to improve it wastes everyone's time. Writing is a harsh and time consuming business and we all have very little time to spare. But if you are here posting at all it is obviously because you WANT to help. Take a few extra moments to explain and suggest a change or just skip that point. I'm glad the OP took it well and yes thick skin is a must but if you feel a harsh critique is necessary (a la Simon Cowell) at least say WHY you think it sucks. Brutal honesty can be great but insults without criticism are pointless unless you intend to hurt which is - lame as shit.

Anyway on to the query. I'll work with the second one since you've already gotten plenty of feedback on the first.

Rory Balenford had always believed in luck. It had allowed him to survive as a pickpocket on the streets and guided him to the one man more interested in his skills as a rogue than a cut of his purse. But when a thief escapes him with the darkest treasure hidden in the deepest vaults of the castle he’s long protected, he’s worried his luck may have deserted him at last. You lost me here. A thief escapes from Rory? I thought he was the thief. Rory was guarding the darkest hidden treasure? Is that what the "one man" tasked him to do? Why is a thief appropriate to protect this treasure. Like an ex-con becoming a security consultant (think catch me if you can/white-collar) it could work but would require more explanation. End paragraph (suggestion).

To serve the Griffin Lords Rory will have to track down the thief and recover the lost relic before it can be used to resurrect a horror from the past. What horror? There's no use in being vague. It works on jacket covers when you don't want spoilers but an agent will read the entire synopsis for this kind of story anyway. He’ll have to travel to a world far greater (greater? I think you mean more wild, magical or dangerous) than the streets he once called home. And he’ll have to trust a bigger thief than himself who seems to have no problem using Rory and his friends as bait to settle his own scores in the process. These other characters need names or at least explanations. Is this other thief a friend or foe, or something in between? Why do we care? Speaking of which more explanation about the man who hired Rory off the street would help as well. Not that he’s complaining since if there’s one lesson he’s learned, the Griffinborn always repay their debts!

All in all considering this query and the other one this sounds pretty cool. Polish the query to match the quality of the story and I think you'll have something!

In the meantime if you want to have a laugh (at my expense) about what NOT to do when querying, please visit my blog linked in my signature below.

[JTB]

It's too long and too confused

I've had a go for you:

The Griffin Lords of Galenburg guard a secret. For generations they have dreaded the world discovering it. When the unthinkable happens and a secret relic is stolen The Lords are forced to turn to a street rat, Rory Balenford, the most disreputable of lieutenants. To serve the Griffin Lords, Balenford has to travel a world broader and more dangerous than the mountains of his birth and confront a thief bigger than himself, before he can recover the Lost Relic of Galenburg and save the Lords from certain doom.

The last bit ' ... and save the Lords from certain doom.' I've obviously added. You need to say why he has to find the relic, i.e what the quest is, not just that he has to find a relic but why ...

then, it's in the bag.