Query: The Price of Blasphemy

[scotta917]

Dear agent,

Smoldering, five churches within the Bible Belt are smoldering on Christmas morning because a woman chose her religion over love.

I would like you to represent my book, The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism. (insert reason I’m writing here)

The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of Richard Bunbury, a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive culture.

Soon after being transplanted from North Carolina to Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a well-bred, Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if He exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in seismic consequences.

Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. His plan begins with the murder of a homeless man and progresses to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship. As Richard predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson. But as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan goes awry. Because he fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople, the reader learns that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price; for just as Richard’s self-loathing seems to be cresting at suicide, Dawn is forced to narrate that Richard was literally murdered via crucifixion.

The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love, tolerance, and inhumane, manmade divisiveness. In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange and The Catcher in the Rye, this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love?

My book will be of broad public appeal in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. Our readership will vary from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct.

This is a multiple submission. I have attached to this email a few sample chapters. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors.

[Lunetta22]

Dear agent,

Smoldering, five churches within the Bible Belt are smoldering on Christmas morning because a woman chose her religion over love.I would delete the first smoldering

I would like you to represent my book, The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism. (insert reason I’m writing here)I would put the word count at the end of the query, and start with the plot synopsis

The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of Richard Bunbury, a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive culture.

Soon after being transplanted from North Carolina to Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a well-bred, Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if He exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in seismic consequences.

Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. His plan begins with the murder of a homeless man and progresses to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship. As Richard predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson. But as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan goes awry. Because he fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople, the reader learns that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price; for just as Richard’s self-loathing seems to be cresting at suicide, Dawn is forced to narrate that Richard was literally murdered via crucifixion.I don't understand the last sentence. Does Richard commit society? Is he literally murdered?

The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love, tolerance, and inhumane, manmade divisiveness. In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange and The Catcher in the Rye, this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love? I don't see how the last sentence applies to the story. Dawn is so obviously better off without him I can't sympathize. She breaks up with him and he burns churches, and kills a homeless man.

My book will be of broad public appeal in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. True love? Seriously? On who's part? The murdering satanist, or the weak protagonist? Our readership will vary from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct. I've seen nothing that implies a touching story. From what I percieve, a religous girl breaks up with an athiest, who proceeds to murder and burn down churches. I have no reason to sympathize with Richard, but I am certainly proud of Dawn for breaking up with him. I'm sure this isn't what you're meaning to imply by the query, but that's all I'm getting. I need more reasons to sympathize with Richard before I will consider it a touching story or even readable. It seems to me that all of the outrage against Richard is caused directly by him. He's doing it on purpose. I understand the point of the story, but I guess I need more reason to care taht Richard dies.

This is a multiple submission. I have attached to this email a few sample chapters. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors.

Exclusives stink. You don't want to accept them, let alone offer. I'm sorry that this is a bit harsh, and I'm sure your story is better than this implies. Good luck with this!

[KappaP]

Dear agent,

Smoldering, five churches within the Bible Belt are smoldering on Christmas morning because a woman chose her religion over love. this either needs to read "Smoldering. Five churches....." or cut the first smoldering.

I would like you to represent my book, The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism. commercial fiction. don't get specific here, that's not what the agent's looking for. think "bookstore shelves." (insert reason I’m writing here)

The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of cut all before thisRichard Bunbury is a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive culture.

Soon after being transplanted from North Carolina to Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a well-bred, Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if He exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in seismic consequences. the last part needs to be cut. A) it's straight-out telling. B) it reads awkwardly

Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive thought he didn't believe?, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. so far I sympathize 0% with Richard. His plan begins with the murder of a homeless man and progresses to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship. .... I negative 30% sympathizeAs Richard predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson. huh? But as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan goes awry. Because he fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople,how does he POSSIBLY fail to account for the media/townspeople being angry about churches being converted into satanic temples and burned down? this seems like a fairly large thing to overlook. if he overlooked this, i'm totally unclear on his motive-- if it WASNT to outrage the community, then....... why? the reader learns NO! Leave the reader out of the query. Tell the story as a story. that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price; for just as Richard’s self-loathing seems to be cresting at suicide, Dawn is forced to narrate that Richard was literally murdered via crucifixion. Honestly, I don't understand any of this. I don't think I need to read this book to learn that turning churches into satanic temples is going to piss off pious people.... and "Dawn is forced to narrate" is super awkward and unclear-- narrate to who? The reader? The law? And why did she get involved again?

The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love, tolerance, and inhumane, manmade divisiveness. In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange and The Catcher in the Rye, this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love? Don't spell out the themes quite this blatantly and these are two HEFTY comparisons to make. And here's why they don't work: I identified with Holden Caulfield. I identified with Alex. They were both morally questionable but ultimately human and understandable. THAT'S why those novels are probing. At no point in this query did I want to do anything but punch Richard in the face-- he sounds like a straight up manipulative and horrible jerk with none of Holden or Alex's humanizing features. If you want to make this comparison, I'd play up Richard's human traits. Wanting to disprove people's religion and burning down churches and killing people to do so because an ex girlfriend pisses you off..... is not sympathetic.

My book will be of broad public appeal in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. Our readership will vary from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct. Tell tell tell. You need to give a feel for this in your query-- make your protag seem more representative of society because right now he in NO way is doing that. And see above in regards to readers "desiring to relate to a voice....." I didn't get any of that. At all. All I got was a horrible crazy man with no humanizing features.

This is a multiple submission. I have attached to this email a few sample chapters. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors. Cut. Thank you for your time and consideration. Don't offer an exclusive-- you'll be waiting forever.

[scotta917]

Other people’s eyes are an invaluable resource. Thanks so much for taking the time. It really allows me to see what resonates with a person when they read it.

About sympathizing with Richard:
“by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive culture.” He’s an idealist with plans to do good things. A lover scorns him because he is agnostic. (He isn’t an atheist)

On failing to account for the media’s outrage:
“as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble” I tried to explain he was losing his mind.
Kappa P, you said you were unclear on his motive:
“insures”....He insured the churches. Richards knows they will be set on fire. He is basically committing semi-insurance fraud.

Thanks again for taking the time.