How does this work?

[schtruklyn]

No, seriously, how does this work? I send my 100 000 words novel to someone? Please explain, thanks. Please explain, because I'm new to writing, and could really use someone to critique me! Oh, I break every single rule
1) "The very first sentence of the very first chapter must be a killer!" Yup, I break this. Too... holywood advertising?
2) "If you don't catch the reader's attention in the first 100 words, all is lost!" Well... I describe scenery and introduce four key characters on ten pages. Maybe 4 sentences spoken. You get into it... Then... You're ready for the dialogues! For the next ten pages. Big ones... Yup, broken that one, too.
3) "Show, don't tell. Consequently, evade adjectives and adverbs!" And what if i show, don't tell, using exactly these?
So yeah, I could use a critic!
But... How do we do this exactly? I'm not trolling... I could really use a clear, bright head, to possibly set me in my place, because I am really just entering this all. The writing thing... I'm a classically inclined fellow...
So... How?
Thanks and cheers

[MeganSutherland]

You appear to have a sense of humor, which is great in writing. And it looks like you've wrote a lot and read a lot. You're well on your way. If you haven't found a critique partner, I may be interested in chatting. Thanks.

[katieW]

I'm new to this group as well and I am also looking for a critique partner/writing buddy. You do seem to have a great sense of humor which is so important. The "show don't tell" rule pinches me at times too, so I feel your pain. My personal email is kjpinotti@aol.com if you would like to chat to see if we could perhaps help each other. Please know that I really want to hone my writing and I take criticism very well and have to work with someone who isn't shy to polite criticism as well. I don't think it helps unless we really are honest in our critiques. Let me know if you're interested and we can share a little and see if we gel.