NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
prowriter6970
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by prowriter6970 » May 15th, 2017, 1:57 pm

Dear:

Imagine being hunted by something you can not see. A specter who disguises itself in the winds which chill and tattoo your flesh with goose bumps. What you cannot see, but yet you can feel like guided faith. It is back. Why did it come back with a vengeance over the lacunae in time? This time it will not leave until it possesses what was taken from its very essence; it’s heart.


The antagonist is a despicable avatar who covets the anger that savagely mutilated and brutally murdered a young man who appeared to be a woman. The only eye witness at the time was the victim’s eight years old younger sibling; now a married woman, Clarke Lattimore Capers. Decades have passed; Aaron Stone has been convicted and sentenced to death. A young trial attorney who seeks infamy through Aaron's cries of innocence has put the lethal injection on hold for one last time. Opening this case again was like opening Pandora's Box. The past clashes with the present and springs Harold Lang Esq. into a world he has never known when distinctions of reality become obfuscated by imposed surreal situations. Clarke’s assiduous task of attempting to permeate past reveries puts her in a delicate dilemma. Betraying her family by telling what she had always felt, or continuing to betray herself by what she thought she saw. There are two women whom emerge from her past with different remedies to what ails her. Dr Gretchen McQueen, a psychiatrist and Claudia Mobei, an omniscient who delves into the supernatural. These two attempt to separate the worlds that have clashed in comity. Is it all in Clarke’s head or is this her anathemic reality? Secrets unveiled will bring together comrades and adversaries. The scientific and the supernatural. But most of all unmask the miscreant who robbed Myair Lattimore of his heart.

This haunting novel will intrigue the same audiences of Tananarive Due and Simon Clark. The agency listed above is one of three queried on this finished project. Excerpts of the completed manuscript and synopsis are available upon request. Thank you for considering my novel, "Twisted Tongue,” for future representation. I look forward to your timely response.

hauntedsouls
Posts: 16
Joined: June 27th, 2017, 3:12 pm
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by hauntedsouls » June 28th, 2017, 3:08 pm

My query:

Dear Agent (proper name of course)

Can seventeen year old Leslie Shaw ever break free of her toxic and suffocating life in rural Saskatchewan? For most of her life Leslie has been bound to care for Carol, her irresponsible and alcoholic. Leslie’s life sinks further into chaotic desperation when her mother’s lover from a one-night stand, and her dying grandfather move in to their tiny home. Amidst the turmoil her mother relapses and is sent to rehab – again. In the months of caring for her grandfather, Leslie is entrusted with decades-old secrets, and the shocking choices made by the two men she is forced to live with. Frustrated and angry she enacts a bold plan to become an emancipated teen to finally escape Carol, and the wounded life they have lived together.

Prairie’s Edge a story of inter-generational relationships, the impact of addiction, and a young girl’s desire for her freedom is set in modern-day rural Saskatchewan. It is complete in 80,000 words. As an author, I have published one fantasy adventure novel for middle grade readers entitled The Bridge of Haunted Souls. I have also published several short stories, poetry and numerous articles in peer and professionally-reviewed journals. My writing also includes work as an instructional and curriculum designer. As a native of Saskatchewan, I have infused this story with memories from growing up on the Canadian prairies

In this space, I address my remarks to the agent, why I want to work with them, and the connections between my work and theirs. Then, a sincere thank-you.

Sincerely,

Ilanna Sharon Mandel/encl.

Muse_Clio
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Joined: May 25th, 2018, 12:33 am
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Muse_Clio » May 25th, 2018, 12:37 am

Dear Mr. Bransford,

When war threatened their city, Briseis’ father sent her inland to safety, to an arranged marriage. Briseis had never wanted to be a queen, and the betrothal was her idea of hell. When the invading army sacked her adoptive city, her wish to escape her wedding day came true, but in the worst way. So now she sits, trussed up like a deer for the spit, in a tent on a beach, a war prize, no better than a slave. Her father is dead and her betrothed was cut down with his city; no one is coming to rescue her. Expected to amuse the man she fears above all others, she wants nothing but to be free again.

Prince Achilles has been trained since birth to be the greatest warrior his world has ever known. All he wants is to be remembered, and he’ll take it anyway the gods see fit. Ten years ago, he left home to find honor and eternal glory on the battlefield at Troy; instead he has seen only death and dishonor. But now there’s a kidnapped princess glaring at him from within his tent. She’s dirty; she’s been beaten and she hates him, and, though he can’t explain why, he likes her.

BRISEIS is YA Historical fiction/Mythical retelling, complete at 40,500 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

jcostello7
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Joined: July 18th, 2019, 8:09 pm
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by jcostello7 » July 18th, 2019, 8:20 pm

Dear [agent]:

[mention something from their MSWL or a client I admire]

Brandy Kellner is happy to not exist. Unwilling to acknowledge the pain of losing her mother to cancer and her sister to marriage, she soothes her loneliness by writing empowering novels and reinventing both her on- and offline identities as Renee Jansen, author, influencer, carefree spirit. Her millions of fans and her few new friends don’t need to know her Boston high-rise is a lot lonelier than it looks on Instagram, none of her anecdotes ever happened, or the woman they think they know is writing her escape from a past she can’t talk about.

Then that past resurrects in the form of her almost-lover, another writer with his own mistakes to outrun and a request to interview everyone’s favorite author. Now, maintaining her image means Brandy has to lie to someone who already sees through her. That’s good practice for her upcoming book tour, but bad for her sense of what’s real and what’s fiction. If her ruse unravels, she’ll have to pick up the pieces of a shattered career and confront the personal issues she’s ignored for years. Things only get more complicated when her sister, seeking to heal their rift, connects Brandy with an obsessive fan who blurs the lines separating her worlds. As a new secret threatens both, Brandy must choose to maintain her deceit for the sake of her career or to heal her relationships while she has the chance.

Told in two points of view, WOMAN OF WORDS is upmarket women’s fiction complete at 82,000 words, reminiscent of WE CAME HERE TO FORGET with ELEANOR OLIPHANT. I’ve included the [sample material] below.

[My bio will go here]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,
Jess

Jessica Costello
[contact info]

jcostello7
Posts: 3
Joined: July 18th, 2019, 8:09 pm
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by jcostello7 » July 18th, 2019, 8:32 pm

Dear [agent]:

[mention something from their MSWL or a client I admire]

Brandy Kellner is happy to not exist. Unwilling to acknowledge the pain of losing her mother to cancer and her sister to marriage, she soothes her loneliness by writing empowering novels and reinventing both her on- and offline identities as Renee Jansen, author, influencer, carefree spirit. Her millions of fans and her few new friends don’t need to know her Boston high-rise is a lot lonelier than it looks on Instagram, none of her anecdotes ever happened, or the woman they think they know is writing her escape from a past she can’t talk about.

Then that past resurrects in the form of her almost-lover, another writer with his own mistakes to outrun and a request to interview everyone’s favorite author. Now, maintaining her image means Brandy has to lie to someone who already sees through her. That’s good practice for her upcoming book tour, but bad for her sense of what’s real and what’s fiction. If her ruse unravels, she’ll have to pick up the pieces of a shattered career and confront the personal issues she’s ignored for years. Things only get more complicated when her sister, seeking to heal their rift, connects Brandy with an obsessive fan who blurs the lines separating her worlds. As a new secret threatens both, Brandy must choose to maintain her deceit for the sake of her career or to heal her relationships while she has the chance.

Told in two points of view, WOMAN OF WORDS is upmarket women’s fiction complete at 82,000 words, reminiscent of WE CAME HERE TO FORGET with ELEANOR OLIPHANT. I’ve included the [sample material] below.

[My bio will go here]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,
Jess

Jessica Costello
[contact info]

eklekman
Posts: 1
Joined: July 27th, 2019, 5:26 pm
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by eklekman » July 27th, 2019, 5:29 pm

Dear [XYZ],

If you can imagine a combination of Hatchet and The Lightning Thief featuring a female protagonist, and aliens and Sasquatches instead of mythical creatures, you'll get MERCEDES, my 57,000-word middle grade fantasy novel. After reading your submission guidelines, I felt that my novel would be a good fit for your portfolio.

Sure Mercedes is unpopular at school but she still never could have imagined that a gray alien would turn out to be her best friend.

Mercedes doesn’t know how she does it, but somehow she always messes everything up. This time, her screw up has gotten her shipped off to the remote Alaskan wilderness enduring the Worst Summer Ever in her mean uncle’s dilapidated old shack while her parents slave away back home at five jobs between the two of them to fix what she’s done. Riddled with guilt, Mercedes is desperate to do something to repay her parents, and to make sure they don’t foreclose on their house. So when she hears a rumor that there’s gold in the surrounding forest’s rivers, Mercedes becomes obsessed with digging some up to undo the mess she’s made.

Unfortunately, Mercedes soon discovers that she isn’t the only one who’s on the hunt for gold. Her competition comes in the form of a mysterious and very old gray alien as well as a disgusting, stinky, and brutal Sasquatch. Mercedes soon figures out, however, that there is more to the gentle gray alien than she realized, and that they both will stand a better chance at finding gold — and surviving — if they can learn to look past the glaring differences that could so easily pit them against each other.

My short fiction has been featured in Enchanted Conversation Magazine, and I have received two honorable mentions from the Writers of the Future contest. MERCEDES is my third completed novel. I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Elsie
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Joined: July 27th, 2019, 7:37 pm
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Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Elsie » July 27th, 2019, 8:27 pm

Dear Agent [name],

Seeker, the boy who has risen to command the Resistance, tells no one where he came from or why he why he joined the rebellion. His army wouldn’t be so loyal if they knew he wasn’t fighting to restore order to the lawless human kingdom, but for the chance to assassinate the king, who kidnapped him as a child.

Far away, in a beautiful forest full of demons, lives the ghost of a dragoness named Caja. Nothing interesting has happened in her life for centuries, until the day Seeker visits to recruit a dragon for his war, breaking the rules keeping humans and dragons apart. Caja’s dying for adventure and wants to do something important, and she agrees to help him win his war. She soon learns she’s in over her head. A traitor lurks in the Resistance’s ranks. Communications from Seeker’s spies are being disrupted. Something about it all points to inhuman interference, but only Caja seems concerned.

Seeker finds himself in a precarious position as well. He cannot hide his secrets from a dragoness the way he can from humans. Caja slowly loses faith in Seeker and threatens to abandon the Resistance. If Seeker and Caja are to save both their worlds, they must learn to trust each other before the rebellion crumbles or the dragons reignite their old war with the humans.

ALL THE KING’S NAMES is the first book of an outlined YA fantasy trilogy, though it works as a standalone. It is complete at 90,000 words. I have included some sample pages below, and if you are interested in reading more, I can be contacted at [contact info]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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