Page Critique Tuesday 5/2/17

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1428
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY

Page Critique Tuesday 5/2/17

Post by Nathan Bransford » April 30th, 2017, 7:44 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Tuesday, May 2nd. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back on Tuesday with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: The Secret Keeper
Genre: MG Magical Realism

You’re not supposed to know I exist.

Of course you’ve heard of, and even seen, me a time or two. But if asked to describe me? I bet you couldn’t. We come in all shapes, sizes, and shades, much like you. We reside all over the world and don’t discriminate whom we help. I’ve helped more people than there are stars, but my lips are sealed. Anyway, enough about me. I’ve got work to do.

I’ve never much cared for schools, but it’s where my job often takes me. This particular school reeks of body sprays, cologne, and fruity lotions, in that order. All of them are too strong for the average nose, but twelve-year-olds have yet to learn the fine art of moderation. Let that be another of our little secrets and a lesson for you. And another thing—they’re loud. So very, very loud.

Within minutes I’m standing outside John F. Kennedy Middle School. I enter the building and follow the signal to Room 38.

The classroom is filled with twenty-eight boys and girls scribbling notes while the teacher, Ms. Counterman, lectures about hyperboles. She stops mid-sentence and stares at me. I’m confused at first. She’s the one sending a signal. It usually isn’t the adults who are burdened. I stare at her for a few seconds and watch her aura flicker from peach to yellow. I move so close to her that I can smell her perfume.

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