100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

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shadow
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100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by shadow » February 18th, 2010, 8:49 am

You guys know that I pop ideas like crazy don't you? lol well prob not, but I just finished my first draft of a third novel in ROMANCE! Yikes I never thought I could make it since I am such a Fantasy person! Anyways I am still working on my major FANTASY manuscript and I just had to try this challange of writing a romance so here goes the query. Tell me what you think. Do you think that this story is at all interesting? It is worth to ever query? since I wrote the 85 000 novel sort of for fun and for the challange, I want to hear if I should query it. ever? Critique harshly! I don't mind honest!

Dear Super Agent,

When Salina’s 25 year old boyfriend Nick passes away, she is left with nothing but a stupid list. It contains one hundred wishes he wants her to complete while she mourns. Salina decides she must fulfill the one hundred wishes in order to put Nick’s soul to rest.

The wishes start off simply like engraving their names into the trunk of their ‘first kiss tree’. But the list get’s more and more complicated. Trying pot for the first time, skinny dipping, and catching fish with her bare hands Salina must travel to France to meet the Seth, a lead guitarist of a rock band. Salina falls for his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life, but she can’t abandon her quest. With help from Seth, Salina tackles the last few wishes, the final one being to forget about her past and move on. Except that there is one catch. Nick knew that his fraternal twin would always take care of Salina and love her as much as he once did.

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by Wandaduplooy » February 18th, 2010, 9:21 am

You guys know that I pop ideas like crazy don't you? lol well prob not, but I just finished my first draft of a third novel in ROMANCE! Yikes I never thought I could make it since I am such a Fantasy person! Anyways I am still working on my major FANTASY manuscript and I just had to try this challange of writing a romance so here goes the query. Tell me what you think. Do you think that this story is at all interesting? It is worth to ever query? since I wrote the 85 000 novel sort of for fun and for the challange, I want to hear if I should query it. ever? Critique harshly! I don't mind honest!

Dear Super Agent,

When Salina’s 25 year old his age is relevant ?his age does not matter boyfriend Nick passes away, she is left with nothing but a stupidif it is from her boyfriend and stupid why would she follow it list. It contains one hundred wishes he wants her to complete while she mourns. Salina decides she must fulfill the one hundred wishes in order to put Nick’s soul to rest.

The wishes start off simply like engraving their names into the trunk of their ‘first kiss tree’. But the list get’s more and more complicated. Trying pot for the first time, skinny dipping, and catching fish with her bare hands Salina must travel to France I will only fly to France for someone specialto meet the Seth, a lead guitarist of a rock band. Salina falls for his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life, but she can’t abandon her quest. With help from Seth, Salina tackles the last few wishes, the final one being to forget about her past and move on. Except that there is one catch.How does this tie in with list Nick knew that his fraternal twin would always take care of Salina and love her as much as he once did.

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

I also have a query to look at and would love your feedback!!! I also have a first page

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by shadow » February 18th, 2010, 10:31 am

Thanks for your critique. to answer your comments, yes his age is relevent because this is not YA. Stupid because he left her nothing but the list. Fly to France to meet Seth because that was one of the wishes. I hope this clears things up.
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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by Calliopenjo » February 18th, 2010, 10:51 am

shadow wrote:
Dear Super Agent,

When Salina’s 25 year old boyfriend Nick passes away, she Salina is left with nothing but a stupid list. It contains one hundred wishes he wants her to complete while she mourns. Salina decides she must fulfill the one hundred wishes in order to put Nick’s soul to rest. (Show this rather than tell.)

The wishes start off simply like engraving their names into the trunk of their ‘first kiss tree’.But the list get’s more and more complicated.Trying pot for the first time, skinny dipping, and catching fish with her bare hands Salina must travel to France to meet theSeth, a lead guitarist of a rock band. Salina falls for his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life, but she can’t abandon her quest.(This would be better shown than told.) With help from Seth, Salina tackles the last few wishes, the final one being to forget about her past and move on. Except that there is one catch. Nick knew that his fraternal twin would always take care of Salina and love her as much as he once did. This would be hard to prove in the short span of a query letter. Delete.

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)
Please keep in mind this strictly my opinion and I'm no expert. I've only recently started critting query letters, keep that in mind as you go through it. Take it or not is your choice.

Good luck with it.

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by CoachMT » February 18th, 2010, 10:52 am

shadow wrote:Dear Super Agent,

When Salina’s 25 year old boyfriend Nick passes away, she is left with nothing but a stupid list. It contains one hundred wishes he wants her to complete while she mourns. Salina decides she must fulfill the one hundred wishes in order to put Nick’s soul to rest. I have to agree with Wanda here, if the list is "stupid" what's the motivation for her to complete it? If she loved him, I doubt she would use "stupid" to describe it. If she didn't love him, then why does she care about "putting his soul to rest"? Maybe her motivation should be internal — maybe she wants to ease her burden of guilt over this death. Obviously, I haven't read the story but hopefully you can see where I'm going. If your query reader needs an explanation, chances are you need to add/change something.

The wishes start off simply : engraving their names into the trunk of their ‘first kiss tree’. But the list gets more and more complicated. Trying pot for the first time, skinny dipping, and catching fish with her bare hands need some sort of punctuation/separation here Salina must travel to France to meet the ? Seth, the lead guitarist of a rock band. Salina falls for his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life, but she can’t abandon her quest. With Seth's help, Salina tackles the last few wishes, the final one being to forget about her past and move on. Except that there is one catch. Nick knew that his fraternal twin would always take care of Salina and love her as much as he once did. Why is this a "catch" to the list?

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by JustineDell » February 18th, 2010, 12:43 pm

I love a good romance!! It's my genre so I'm all ears...err...eyes :-)
shadow wrote:
Dear Super Agent,

When Salina’s 25 year old boyfriend Nick passes away, she is left with nothing but a stupid list. It contains one hundred wishes he wants her to complete while she mourns. Salina decides she must fulfill the one hundred wishes in order to put Nick’s soul to rest. This story has a good premise, kind of like the bucket list only in reverse. I haven't read anything like it, so you've got me hooked there. However, the first paragraph doesn't pull me in enough. Try something tighter...more hookieish ;-)

Suggestion: Salina (insert last name here) is devasted when her boyfriend of five years, Nick, unexpectadly passes away. (What did he die from btw? That may make it more tragic!) She is left with no more than a broken heart and a list that contains one hundred wishes Nick wants her to complete while she mourns. (Broken heart is kind of a cliche, but you get my drift - I know you can do better!)

The wishes start off simply like engraving their names into the trunk of their ‘first kiss tree’. But the list get’s more and more complicated. Trying pot for the first time, skinny dipping, and catching fish with her bare hands Salina must travel to France to meet the Seth, a lead guitarist of a rock band. <-This group of sentences is jarring and for me, it doesn't flow well. Salina falls for his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life, but she can’t abandon her quest. With help from Seth, Salina tackles the last few wishes, the final one being to forget about her past and move on. Except that there is one catch. Nick knew that his fraternal twin would always take care of Salina and love her as much as he once did. Ah, here's the hook - but you didn't make it sound like one. Is Seth the twin? I hope so, because otherwise, you've got a triangle of confusion with Seth, the twin and Salina.

Suggestion, and I'm assuming Seth is the twin here: Salina forges forward, determined to complete the list for her love of Nick. Simple tasks come first, like engraving their names into the trunk of a tree. The further she gets, the more complicated it becomes. Catching a fish with her bare hands, skinny dipping, and trying pot for the first time. The list takes her to France, where she meets Nicks fraternal twin, Seth, and she is quickly charmed by his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life. She keeps her feelings towards Seth on lockdown, not wanting to abandon her quest.

Together, Seth and Salina tackle the last few wishes but are stumped by number one-hundred. Nick wants Seth to love Salina in the way that only he could. Will Salina allow her heart to accept the challenge in order to put Nick's soul to rest?

Okay, so my last couple of sentences stink, but hopefully you get the point. And hopefully I haven't made a mess out of your story.


100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)
So, can I read this? I REALLY REALLY like the premise!!!! What sub-genre are you going for? It sounds like mainstream with romantic elements (think Nora Roberts Tribute).

Don't trash it. Tighten it up and send this puppy out!

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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shadow
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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by shadow » February 18th, 2010, 1:02 pm

Thanks everyone for your great suggestions!
to JD: I am so happy that you critiqued my query! You gave so much great advice that I could not resist taking it :) Yes Seth is Nicks twin, and this is mainstream Romantic I suppose. Well I have never even went into writing Romance so I am a newbie at that, apart from reading it at times. I am really glad that the premise interests you.

Here is a revision with your suggestions in mind, and the other critiques. Thank you so much everyone! I hope that this is better!



Dear Super Agent,

Salina Edwards is devastated when her boyfriend of five years, Nick, unexpectedly passes away from cancer. She is left with no more than a vast abyss of emptiness and a list that contains one hundred wishes Nick wants her to complete while she mourns.

Salina forges forward, determined to complete the list for her love of Nick. Simple tasks come first, like engraving their names into the trunk of a tree. The further she gets, the more complicated it becomes. Catching a fish with her bare hands, skinny dipping, and trying pot for the first time are only a few of the tasks that Salina takes on. On number 85 the list takes her to France, where she meets Nick’s fraternal twin, Seth, and she is quickly charmed by his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life. She keeps her feelings towards Seth on lockdown, not wanting to forget Nick or abandon her quest.

Together, Seth and Salina tackle the last few wishes but are stumped by number one-hundred. Nick wants Seth to love Salina in the way that only he could. Will Salina allow herself to accept the emotional connection between her and Seth and put Nick's soul to rest?

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by Yoshima » February 18th, 2010, 4:31 pm

Hey shadow!


Dear Super Agent,

Salina Edwards is devastated when her boyfriend of five years, Nick, unexpectedly passes away from cancer. She is left with no more than a vast abyss of emptiness ("vast abyss of emptiness" sounds kind of melodramatic to me, to be honest) and a list that contains one hundred wishes Nick wants her to complete while she mourns. (Aw, cute! Sounds kind of like P.S. I Love You to me.)

Salina forges (moves? forges seems like the wrong word to me...don't change it unless you want to, though, because it's probably just personal pref.) forward, determined to complete the list for her love of Nick. Simple tasks come first, like engraving their names into the trunk of a tree. The further she gets, the more complicated it (the tasks) becomes. Catching a fish with her bare hands, skinny dipping, and trying pot for the first time are only a few of the tasks that Salina takes on. On number 85 the list takes her to France, where she meets Nick’s fraternal twin, Seth, (period.)and she is quickly charmed by his wild yet philosophical thoughts on life. She keeps her feelings towards Seth on lockdown, not wanting to forget Nick or abandon her quest. (Ooo, good conflict! I'm so reading on.)

Together, Seth and Salina tackle the last few wishes but are stumped by number one-hundred. Nick wants Seth to love Salina in the way that only he could. (I'm not sure why they're "stumped." The instructions sound pretty clear. Does Seth love Salina? I'm thinking that's what you mean, that Seth and Salina haven't revealed their feelings to each other...? Oh well, your reader having questions that will likely be answered at the end isn't such a bad thing. ;) )Will Salina allow herself to accept the emotional connection between her and Seth and put Nick's soul to rest? (Normally I don't like rhetorical Q's, but this one works for me. I'm chomping at the bit to know how this conflict plays out. In all I think it's a solid query; I don't feel like I'm missing anything huge. Great job! Hope this helps! Oh, one more thing: how old are the characters? Just curious.)

100 wishes is an 85,000 word romance novel. I appreciate your time,

(my name and info)[/quote]

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by shadow » February 18th, 2010, 5:32 pm

Thanks so much Yoshima! The query would have not improved at all if it wasn't for everyone who critiqued it on here:) Thanks for your critique too! Actually they are 19 and 20.
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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by JustineDell » February 18th, 2010, 9:59 pm

shadow wrote:Thanks so much Yoshima! The query would have not improved at all if it wasn't for everyone who critiqued it on here:) Thanks for your critique too! Actually they are 19 and 20.
Their ages are interesting. You could add that to your query which gives it that whole, young-love-torn-apart-by-death thing. Then again, since you want to stay away from YA, maybe not? Just an idea.

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by CoachMT » February 18th, 2010, 10:30 pm

Wait, wasn't the dead boyfriend 25? Now I'm confused.

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by JustineDell » February 19th, 2010, 8:31 am

CoachMT wrote:Wait, wasn't the dead boyfriend 25? Now I'm confused.
I think the dead boyfriend was 25, and Salina and Seth are 19 & 20 - right?

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by CoachMT » February 19th, 2010, 8:46 am

But if Seth is the twin...

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by cjtrapp » February 19th, 2010, 8:56 am

You had me hooked until the end! I was thinking Nick would tell her never to love another, and she would be torn between the two! If not forbidden specifically by Nick, it would add more drama if number 100 took them in different directions, forcing a choice. I guess I'm struggling with the conflict at the end. The challenge of number 100 is directed at him, not at her. The other 99 were to her. She would have no control over Seth's feelings.

Also, does she see the entire list at once, or is each next step a surprise somehow? If she sees the whole list, then the reader will want to know them when she knows them, otherwise its a POV problem and false supense.

Resist the urge to include the rhetorical question at the end. It is an easy-way-out tool. There is always a better way to express the conflict. "Now Salina will have to choose between..." or something like that.

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Re: 100 Wishes - Romance novel Query - Take 1

Post by JustineDell » February 19th, 2010, 9:49 am

CoachMT wrote:But if Seth is the twin...

Oh yeah...DUH!!! I need to get my head out of the sand.

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"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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