Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED (again)

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Emily White
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Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED (again)

Post by Emily White » December 21st, 2009, 9:19 am

Revised version is also on the second page for your posting convenience.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Changes are in red (there's a lot of red).

Dear (Insert Name):

--Personalized (non-creepy) paragraph to connect with agent--

Fifteen out of the seventeen years of Nathadria’s life have been spent in imprisonment, leaving her body a skeletal waste. Years of solitary confinement in an interstellar ship have convinced her that her life is meaningless and without purpose. But when by divine miracle she finds the chance to escape, she steps into a life she never imagined. A destiny dictated for her thousands of years ago begins playing out the moment she takes her first breath of freedom. Over the course of a few days she is confronted by two truths. She is an Auri—a mythical being blessed by the Creator, El, to manipulate the elements of water, air, and fire. And despite her dilapidated body, she’s the most powerful human being in the galaxy, destined to destroy a fallen angel with a god complex.

With millions of soldiers, war ships, and gliders swarming in around her, Nathadria must learn to utilize her special talents in order to save herself and the ones she has come to love. But behind the scenes and without Nathadria’s knowledge, her destiny becomes mangled up in the plots and schemes of a power-hungry revolutionary and an angry zealot who both want to see her dead. And so it happens that Cailen, the one man she chose to trust completely, betrays her and sends her off to Manoo who plans to turn her into a tasty meal. It is then as she stands face to face with her true enemy that she becomes the Destructor.


My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White


NOTES: I kept the fourth paragraph "as is" because I wanted to know if it works better now that I've given the query more of a fantasy feel. I know this thing needs some major work, but I wanted to finally get the revised version posted. I've already scrapped about twenty of them, so I thought it would be better to post it and see what I can do from there. Thanks for your help!
Last edited by Emily White on February 16th, 2010, 11:25 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by Dakota388 » December 21st, 2009, 9:45 am

Sounds like this could be interesting bu it is a tad vague in places. Right off the bat, the use of "for a reason," "words of a crazy scholar," and "with little past," doesn't tell a whole lot. I don't know how she fights back or becomes the destructor or what that really means. You have a lot of concepts here but you don't show us much. I kind of felt like you wanted us to know she is in peril so you told us such. Good luck and know that epic fantasy is the hardest(IMO) query to write. I am only an amateur so take my advice at your own peril.
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by ebradmon » December 21st, 2009, 2:24 pm

Nathadria escaped the dark abyss of a prison ship with a six foot hound snapping at her head only to be thrust into a war of her making. Her enemies kept her in prison for a reason (very vague) and they’ll do anything to get her back, even sacrifice (their delete) millions of soldiers at the hands(cliché – planets don’t have hands eh?) of the one planet (in the whole galaxy- delete) foolish enough to harbor her. But they (who? Vague) would do all this, and more, because Nathadria has been dedicated as a human sacrifice to their god, Manoo. And Manoo wants her back - even more than his followers.

This girl with little past is faced with a future of few choices, but she does the one thing she has the power to do: she fights back. (this sounds like a movie trailer – not sure that is a good thing) (Give more specifics) (Soon) As the words of a crazy (old) scholar start to make sense and (as) Nathadria faces her own demise at the hands(cliché hands again!) of the one she was prophesied to kill, she becomes the Destructor. (Seems important – so who is the Destructor? Where does it fit into the story? More details please)

My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, ripe with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything. (I’m not loving the theme statement. Themes are cool but they don’t sell books, stories do. I would keep this line about the internal struggle of the characters – also highschool English 101 is never use the word “you” as it insults the reader who may not be feeling this same way.)

During an eight year career in the U.S. military, including a deployment to a war zone, I have developed a keen knowledge of weapons, weapons technology, and what it actually feels like to have a mortar explode just a few hundred feet from you.

I like the idea behind your story – just needs more details so as a reader I can connect! Good Luck

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by skottk » December 21st, 2009, 2:25 pm

Emily White wrote:I'm currently polishing my novel to perfection, so I didn't put a word count as it may change before I'm completely finished.

I'm wondering if you get the main gist of the novel without being bogged down in details, and if it grabs you. Thanks so much! :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear (Insert Name):

--Personalized paragraph to connect with agent--

1. Imprisoned by the B'ad G'uys, Nathadria escaped the dark abyss of a prison ship with just ahead of the jaws of a six foot hound snapping at her head only to be thrust into a war of her making.3. The B'ad G'uysHer enemies kept her in prison for a reason and they’ will do anything to get her back, even sacrifice theirmillions of soldiers at the hands of 4. in battle against the one planet in the whole galaxy foolish enough to harbor her. But they would do all this and more becauseNathadria has been dedicated as a human sacrifice to their god, Manoo, who wants her back even more than his followers do. 5.
1. I think "enemies" is too vague, and implies that there may be more than one party of them. I think that you mean the Manoo-worshippers mentioned below.
2. I scrapped "dark abyss of a prison ship" because for me it raised more questions than it answered - a space ship or a boat? How'd she escape a space ship?
3. "a war of her making." Because everybody's chasing her? Or because of something else she's done?
4. "at the hands of the one planet" that has hands. Struck the hands, added battle.
5. At first I assumed that it's "her enemies" who worship Manoo who wants her back. Reading it again, I wonder whether Manoo's followers are on the one planet foolish enough to harbor her from the people who initially imprisoned her. In other words, that she's escaped from the goblins to be caught by the wolves. In either of these readings, there's something missing - in the first, it's who her protectors are and why they're doing it; in the second, it's why the B'ad G'uys imprisoned her and are willing to sacrifice millions of soldiers.
Emily White wrote: This girl with little past is faced with a future of few choices 2., but she does the one thing she has the power to do: she fights back. Soon, the words of a crazy old scholar 3.start to make sense and as Nathadria faces her own demise at the hands of the one she was prophesied to kill , she becomes the Destructor.
1. Makes me realize I don't know much about Nathadria. Is she a young girl, a sort of Golden Child? Or "girl" as young woman, old enough for romantic entanglements or the avoidance of them?
2. This sounds interesting, but is so enigmatic. How long was she imprisoned? For some reason, I assumed until this point that she was recently captured, but this makes me think she grew up in captivity. If the latter is the case, then you may want to introduce her that way: "Ten-year-old Nathadria had never known any home but the prison ship with its six-foot-tall slavering guard dogs and horde of B'ad G'uy warrior-priests." Or whatever they are.
3. Oh, I want to know so much more! "A crazed old scholar warns Nathadria of her impending sacrifice to Manoo and of her fate as the Destructor, who will slay all of the B'ad G'uys and bring about Ragnarok." Or whatever. You're telling us things you could show us, and as a result we don't really know what's going on.
Emily White wrote:
ripe Rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, my XX,000 word epic fantasyspace opera 1. novel, AURUMENAS, explores how relying on others can get you through much, but the discovery of your true self can get you through anything.
1. Epic fantasy is generally medieval-to-renaissance with swords and magic. Spaceships and interstellar war without a lot of string theory and wormholes sounds more like space opera to me.
1a. The teleporting fairies are a conundrum, though. Dying to know where they get into the story above.
2. I can't help wondering what the title means.
Emily White wrote: During an eight year career in the U.S. military, including a deployment to a war zone, I have developed a keen knowledge of weapons, and weapons technology, and what it actually so Nathadria's perception of what it feels like to have a mortar explode just a few hundred feet from you comes from my own personal experience.

--Personalized paragraph to connect with agent further—

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White
I know that you were looking more for gist than nitpicky stuff, so I have to say that I don't think I'm getting the whole gist. I think it's possible from the query to be confused about the players in the main conflict, and the description of the setting in the first two graphs makes the mention of the fairies in the third an interesting surprise. I'd walk through the query mad lib (http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/03 ... d-lib.html) and see if it helps.
Looking forward to the next round!
SK

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Emily White
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by Emily White » December 22nd, 2009, 10:19 am

Okay, so the consensus seems to be... too vague! I can work on that! Thank you all very much! Your suggestions are extremely helpful! :)
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by Nessa » December 24th, 2009, 6:33 pm

I will drop my two cents in, even though you have got great replies already :)

--Personalized paragraph to connect with agent--

Nathadria escaped the dark abyss of a prison ship with a six foot hound snapping at her head only to be thrust into a war of her making. (Awkward sentence...) Her enemies kept her in prison for a reason (what reason??) and they’ll do anything to get her back, even sacrifice their millions of soldiers at the hands of the one planet in the whole galaxy foolish enough to harbor her. But they would do all this and more because Nathadria has been dedicated as a human sacrifice to their god, Manoo, and he wants her back even more than his followers. (A bit long)

This girl with little past is faced with a future of few choices, but she does the one thing she has the power to do: she fights back. Soon, the words of a crazy old scholar start to make sense and as Nathadria faces her own demise at the hands of the one she was prophesied to kill, she becomes the Destructor. (Also a bit awkward.)

My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.

During an eight year career in the U.S. military, including a deployment to a war zone, I have developed a keen knowledge of weapons, weapons technology, and what it actually feels like to have a mortar explode just a few hundred feet from you.

--Personalized paragraph to connect with agent further—

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White

I like the idea!
All the best!
Nessa

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by esther » December 25th, 2009, 12:16 pm

I don't know why, but this reminds me of Troy :)
But we all know the same stories are told over and over again and if the voice is unique, i think this could work

Mostly, though, I think agents will be piqued the most with your background!
Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by LydiaSharp » February 5th, 2010, 2:15 pm

Her enemies kept her in prison for a reason and they’ll do anything to get her back, even sacrifice their millions of soldiers at the hands of the one planet in the whole galaxy foolish enough to harbor her.

1. "Her enemies"... who?

2. "kept her in prison for a reason"... what reason?

3. "they'll do anything to get her back"... cliche', and it tells me nothing.

4. I would cut everything after the comma.

But they would do all this and more because Nathadria has been dedicated as a human sacrifice to their god, Manoo, and he wants her back even more than his followers.

1. "But they would do all this and more"... you've already made that clear with the phrase in the previous sentence, "they'll do anything to get her back."

2. "Nathadria has been dedicated as a human sacrifice to their god, Manoo"... this is good; the most interesting thing I've read up to this point.

3. But you killed it with this, "and he wants her back even more than his followers." Like the others pointed out, you're using a lot of words to tell me nothing.

This girl with little past is faced with a future of few choices, but she does the one thing she has the power to do: she fights back.

This could be a good sentence if you let us in on how she is able to fight back. What does she use? What makes her special? There is much more interesting stuff you can divulge here to get an agent's attention. You're withholding key points.

Soon, the words of a crazy old scholar start to make sense and as Nathadria faces her own demise at the hands of the one she was prophesied to kill, she becomes the Destructor.

Interesting. This is a good sentence, but I would give it more impact by breaking it into two sentences. Like this: The more she learns about her mysterious abilities, the words of a crazy old scholar start to make sense. Nathadria faces her own demise at the hands of the one she was prophesied to kill, leaving her with only one choice: to become the Destructor. (or something like that... I know your writing voice, and I'm not seeing it in this letter. I know you can do better.)

My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.

During an eight year career in the U.S. military, including a deployment to a war zone, I have developed a keen knowledge of weapons, weapons technology, and what it actually feels like to have a mortar explode just a few hundred feet from you.

I understand why you added that paragraph, but I think your word usage would be more efficient if you added more about the plot. There isn't really enough here to show how good this book is, and your experience will be apparent by how effectively you portray the details in your story. The other paragraph is good, but there's no reason to mention the weaponry, ships, and so forth. Those are details we can discover by reading the ms. You want the query letter to focus on the plot and pique enough interest to get a request. The only thing I disagree with is labeling it a fantasy. I would call it science fiction.

Good luck with this!
Lydia Sharp
Science Fiction * Fantasy * Women's Fiction
http://www.lydiasharp.blogspot.com

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas

Post by Emily White » February 9th, 2010, 7:50 pm

Ha! I didn't even notice that there were more responses to this! I was sure it had slid down into second page purgatory. I haven't neglected it, though. I've been trying to address all the issues pointed out to me in the first few responses, but now I see some other really good points. Thank you all for taking the time. When I finally come up with a revision I think might work, I'm going to post it. Hopefully it will be any day now.

I will just reply to one point because it's been brought up by at least two people. The novel is an epic fantasy (though I see I did a poor job of having that come across in the query--one of the things I'm working on) because it deals mainly with a quest in a setting that couldn't exist in the real world, future or not. High fantasy is usually depicted in medieval type settings and though epic fantasy can, it doesn't have to. Also, epic fantasy is a specific sub genre under the overall fantasy spectrum--not necessarily indicating series. But I definitely appreciate the fact that you guys brought it up because it makes me see where the query is lacking. So, thank you! :)

Again, I'll be reposting the revision soon and I'd really appreciate any additional feedback. :)
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by Emily White » February 11th, 2010, 5:14 pm

I forgot to add something to my notes, so I'll just say it here.

I'm trying to equally blend the sense that this is a fantasy with military science fiction elements. Do I do this adequately? If not, any suggestions?

Thanks!
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by Emily White » February 12th, 2010, 12:59 pm

kayemevans wrote:i think so b/c you name some of the weaponry in the novel.

K
Thanks!
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by Emily White » February 12th, 2010, 1:01 pm

Changes are in red (there's a lot of red).

Dear (Insert Name):

--Personalized (non-creepy) paragraph to connect with agent--

Fifteen out of the seventeen years of Nathadria’s life have been spent in imprisonment, leaving her body a skeletal waste. Years of solitary confinement in an interstellar ship have convinced her that her life is meaningless and without purpose. But when by divine miracle she finds the chance to escape, she steps into a life she never imagined. A destiny dictated for her thousands of years ago begins playing out the moment she takes her first breath of freedom. Over the course of a few days she is confronted by two truths. She is an Auri—a mythical being blessed by the Creator, El, to manipulate the elements of water, air, and fire. And despite her dilapidated body, she’s the most powerful human being in the galaxy, destined to destroy a fallen angel with a god complex.

With millions of soldiers, war ships, and gliders swarming in around her, Nathadria must learn to utilize her special talents in order to save herself and the ones she has come to love. But behind the scenes and without Nathadria’s knowledge, her destiny becomes mangled up in the plots and schemes of a power-hungry revolutionary and an angry zealot who both want to see her dead. And so it happens that Cailen, the one man she chose to trust completely, betrays her and sends her off to Manoo who plans to turn her into a tasty meal. It is then as she stands face to face with her true enemy that she becomes the Destructor.


My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White


NOTES: I kept the fourth paragraph "as is" because I wanted to know if it works better now that I've given the query more of a fantasy feel. I know this thing needs some major work, but I wanted to finally get the revised version posted. I've already scrapped about twenty of them, so I thought it would be better to post it and see what I can do from there. Thanks for your help!
Last edited by Emily White on February 13th, 2010, 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by WriterKitty » February 12th, 2010, 8:41 pm

I haven't read the other posts, so excuse me if I repeat anything.

Fifteen out of the seventeen years of Nathadria’s life have been spent in imprisonment, leaving her body a skeletal waste. Years of solitary confinement in an interstellar ship have convinced her that her life is meaningless and without purpose. But when by divine miracle she finds the chance to escape, she steps into a life she never imagined. A destiny dictated for her thousands of years ago begins playing out the moment she takes her first breath of freedom. Over the course of a few days she is confronted by two truths. She is an Auri—a mythical being blessed by the Creator, El, to manipulate the elements of water, air, and fire. And despite her dilapidated body, she’s the most powerful human being in the galaxy, destined to destroy a fallen angel with a god complex. I didn't find anything to complain about in this paragraph.

With millions of soldiers, war ships, and gliders swarming in around her, Nathadria must learn to utilize her special talents in order to save herself and the ones she has come to love. But behind the scenes and without Nathadria’s knowledge, her destiny becomes mangled up in the plots and schemes of a power-hungry revolutionary and an angry zealot who both want to see her dead. And so it happens that Cailen, the one man she chose to trust completely, betrays her and sends her off to Manoo who plans to turn her into a tasty meal. It is then as she stands face to face with her true enemy that she becomes the Destructor. The Only thing here that threw me off was the names. I'm not sure who all these characters are.

Sorry I'm much help. Query writing is crazy stuff to me.

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by Emily White » February 16th, 2010, 11:24 am

Updated version, based on feedback

Dear (Insert Name):

--Personalized (non-creepy) paragraph to connect with agent--

Fifteen out of the seventeen years of Nathadria’s life have been spent in imprisonment, leaving her body a skeletal waste. Years of solitary confinement in an interstellar ship have convinced her that her life is meaningless and without purpose. But when by divine miracle she finds the chance to escape, she steps into a life she never imagined. A destiny dictated for her thousands of years ago begins playing out the moment she takes her first breath of freedom. Over the course of a few days she is confronted by two truths. She is an Auri—a mythical being blessed by the Creator, El, to manipulate the elements of water, air, and fire. And despite her dilapidated body, she’s the most powerful human being in the galaxy, destined to destroy a fallen angel with a god complex--Manoo.

With millions of soldiers, war ships, and gliders swarming in around her, Nathadria must learn to utilize her special talents in order to save herself and the ones she has come to love. But behind the scenes and without Nathadria’s knowledge, her destiny becomes mangled up in the plots and schemes of a power-hungry revolutionary and an angry zealot who both want to see her dead. And so it happens that the one man she chose to trust completely, betrays her and sends her off to Manoo who plans to turn her into a tasty meal. It is then as she stands face to face with her true enemy that she becomes the Destructor.

My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White
(Ready to ship those brownies as an extra incentive to sign me :) )
Find out about ELEMENTAL, my YA Space Opera (available June 21, 2011) on my blog and ELEMENTAL's facebook fan page

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Re: Query Critique--Aurumenas REVISED

Post by aspiring_x » February 16th, 2010, 11:59 am

Hey Emily,
Been holding back because you've been getting so much advice already, but I appreciate the active part you take in the forums and people's blogs, so I'll give you the best advice I can... not that it's worth much. Areas that are in green are statements that I think don't really say much/ too vague. Red are cuts, blue are rewrites. I hope there is something that will benefit you.... by the way, did you notice that this whole message was in green... what is my subconscious saying to me?
Emily White wrote:Updated version, based on feedback

Dear (Insert Name):

--Personalized (non-creepy)hee hee paragraph to connect with agent--

Fifteen out of the seventeen years Most?of Nathadria’s seventeen years oflife have been spent in imprisonment, . Years of solitary confinement in an interstellar ship have left her body a skeletal waste.convinced her that her life is meaningless and without purpose. But when divine miracle Miracuously,she finds the chance to escape, she andsteps into a life she never imagined. A destiny dictated for her thousands of years ago begins playing out the moment she takes her first breath of freedom. Over the course of a few days she is confronted by two truths. She is an Auri—a mythical being blessed by the Creator, El, to manipulate the elements of water, air, and fire. Understood by the elements, also with Avatar the Last Airbender coming out and other peoples queries I read, leaving this out might let the unique-ness of your idea shine better... but what do I know.And despite her dilapidated body, she’s the most powerful human being in the galaxy, destined to destroy a fallen angel with a god complex--Manoo. Very interesting.

With millions of soldiers, war ships, and gliders swarming in around her, Nathadria must learn to utilize her special talents in order to save herself and the ones she has come to love. Cut red to speed up pace? However, then it sort of reads like she's learning to utilize her powers in the middle of a battle... But behind the scenes and without Nathadria’s knowledge, her destiny becomes mangled up in the plots and schemes of a power-hungry revolutionary and an angry zealot . They would like nothing better than (or something less cliche) sentence was too long-confusingwho both want to see her dead. And so it happens that the one man she chose to trust completelythis threw me because I can't remember him being mentioned before, betrays her and sends her off to Manoo who plans to turn her into a tasty mealtoo long and the doom of facing Manoo is already understood. It is then asAs she stands face to face with her true enemy that ,she becomes the The?Destructor.

My XX,000 word epic fantasy novel, AURUMENAS, rife with energy weapons, interstellar war ships, and teleporting fairies, explores how reliance on others can get you through much, but the true discovery of oneself can get you through anything.I've heard that these lists are not an appealing thing to an agent, but the teleporting fairies seems so interesting. Also queries are for plots not themes.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Emily White
(Ready to ship those brownies as an extra incentive to sign me :) )Ha!

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