Query - Please Help

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NicoleLee
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Query - Please Help

Post by NicoleLee » February 11th, 2010, 7:28 pm

Mr. Agent,

Nina, on the brink of suicide, is desperate for a shred of hope. Sebastian, the pastor’s son of mega church One Hope vies to be that shred. However, Nina’s lack of belief causes a battle within the church walls. When Nina almost dies the two are brought closer together, but will it be enough to sustain the test of time and distance as Nina heads off to Oxford? Will she make the choice that will bring them closer together? Or will this change in her push them further apart? More importantly into whose arms will she fall…

"…If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7

My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice is a heart-wrenching romance set in 21st century South Florida. It chronicles the struggles of a young woman coming into her own struggling to find faith, love, and direction in her seemingly haphazard life. She is a character that embodies the young female college students of today and the struggles they go through to find themselves in a world of confusion and disarray.

I have written Nina Pruitt: The Choice and Nina Pruitt: The Change, two novels chronicling the life and development of a young woman growing into adulthood, finding herself, learning to love and let go.

Thank you for considering my query,

Nicole Rivera

Calliopenjo
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Re: Query - Please Help

Post by Calliopenjo » February 12th, 2010, 12:36 am

NicoleLee wrote:Mr. Agent,

Nina, on the brink of suicide, is desperate for a shred of hope. Sebastian, the pastor’s son of mega church One Hope vies to be that shred. However, Nina’s lack of belief causes a battle within the church walls. When Nina almost dies the two are brought closer together, but will it be enough to sustain the test of time and distance as Nina heads off to Oxford? Will she make the choice that will bring them closer together? Or will this change in her push them further apart? More importantly into whose arms will she fall…
This first paragraph is confusing. I'm not sure who the book is about. Personally, I think there are too many questions. It makes me frustrated instead of wanting to know.
"…If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
Why is this quote from a bible here? Shouldn't this letter be about the book you're writing instead?
My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice is a heart-wrenching romance set in 21st century South Florida. It chronicles the struggles of a young woman coming into her own struggling to find faith, love, and direction in her seemingly haphazard life. She is a character that embodies the young female college students of today and the struggles they go through to find themselves in a world of confusion and disarray.
I'm reading telling. Show this instead.
I have written Nina Pruitt: The Choice and Nina Pruitt: The Change, two novels chronicling the life and development of a young woman growing into adulthood, finding herself, learning to love and let go.
Didn't you already say this?
Thank you for considering my query,
Thank you for your time and consideration might work better.

Nicole Rivera

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TiffanyNeal
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Re: Query - Please Help

Post by TiffanyNeal » February 12th, 2010, 1:28 am

I am fairly new to writing the query letter, but I got some great advice for the first line of your query letter, aka - the tag line. That sentence should include the protaganist, the choice, and the consequence. The very last sentence should give the reader a very good idea of what the book is about, just in 1-2 short sentences.

Re-work those first sentences, and they should be able to be read together and make sense. Then go back and fill in the middle.

I agree with the other comment about the bible verse. That should not be in your query.

NicoleLee
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Query - Please Help_Revised

Post by NicoleLee » February 12th, 2010, 4:54 pm

Mr. Agent,

Nina, a nineteen year old college student on the brink of suicide, is desperate to change her life but that means dumping her abusive controlling boyfriend and being alone. With the help of her therapist she dumps Caesar, but not without fear and repercussions. When Sebastian comes into her life she is afraid to let down her guard and be with him. However when Nina almost dies Sebastian not only saves her but nurses her back to health breaking through the barrier she has placed on her heart. When Nina shows up to One Hope, the mega church Sebastian’s father pastors their happy bubble bursts. Her name: Mrs. Finch one of the churches oldest and most influential member’s who wants nothing more than one of her granddaughters to marry Sebastian. Her manipulative skills put Nina and Sebastian’s relationship to the test and force them to decide if they are right for each other and if it’s worth fighting the determined Mrs. Finch to save their relationship.

My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice is a college age romance chronicling the struggles of a young woman coming into her own struggling to find faith, love, and direction in her seemingly haphazard life.

I have also written Nina Pruitt: The Change, the 99,000 word second novel in the potential series where Nina faces a long distance relationship and the realization of hidden feelings for life long friend Edward, forcing her to choose whether or not to change the coarse of her life.

Thank you for considering my query,

Nicole Rivera

snlemon
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Re: Query - Please Help

Post by snlemon » February 12th, 2010, 11:43 pm

Much better than your first one!! That being said, you're still telling me a lot of things that you should be showing me. What does Nina want most of all? Is it Sebastian or is it something bigger than that? Is the main conflict just the meddling church lady (those can be quite bothersome) or is something bigger within Nina herself? What is at stake here? Just a rebound relationship or Nina's entire mental health....?

I think this is getting better but stop telling us what this is about. Never mention themes, show them in your awesome writing! :)

I also wouldn't mention the second book...I've read that it is not a good idea but, JMO.
There is no such thing as good writing, only good re-writing.

NicoleLee
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Re: Query - Please Help - Revised 2

Post by NicoleLee » February 13th, 2010, 2:34 pm

Mr. Agent,

Nina, a nineteen year old college student on the brink of suicide, is desperate to change her life but that means dumping her abusive controlling boyfriend, being alone, and having to figure out who she is, what she wants, and what she’s willing to sacrifice to get there. With the help of her therapist she dumps Caesar, but not without fear and repercussions. When Sebastian comes into her life she is afraid to let down her guard and be with him. However when Nina almost dies Sebastian not only saves her but nurses her back to health breaking through the barrier she has placed on her heart. When Nina shows up to One Hope, the mega church Sebastian’s father pastors their happy bubble bursts. Her name: Mrs. Finch one of the churches oldest and most influential member’s who wants nothing more than one of her granddaughters to marry Sebastian. Her manipulative skills put Nina and Sebastian’s relationship to the test and force them to decide if they are right for each other and if it’s worth fighting the determined Mrs. Finch to save their relationship. Nina’s neediness and want for something more out of life fight for priority in making the ultimate choice: change and be with Sebastian or be who she truly is for the first time in her life and risk him leaving. Can she break the hold her desperation for love and acceptance has put on her or will she fall back into the depression she has worked so hard to overcome?

My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice is a college age romance chronicling the struggles of a young woman coming into her own struggling to find faith, love, and direction in her seemingly haphazard life.

Thank you for considering my query,

Nicole Rivera

Thank you for all of your help. This is try # 3 :)

Chris48
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Re: Query - Please Help

Post by Chris48 » February 13th, 2010, 2:38 pm

I agree that there are too many questions. I alos want a little more info on Oxford. I really like the second paragraph.

Chris

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Holly
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Re: Query - Please Help - Revised 2

Post by Holly » February 13th, 2010, 3:12 pm

NicoleLee wrote:Mr. Agent,

Nina, a nineteen-year-old [add hyphens] college student on the brink of suicide, is desperate to change her life, [add a comma] but that means dumping her [cut ONE of these adjectives because they mean the same thing: abusive controlling] boyfriend, being alone, and having to figure out who she is, what she wants, and what she’s willing to sacrifice to get there. With the help of her therapist, [add a comma] she dumps Caesar, but not without fear and repercussions. When Sebastian comes into her life, [add a comma] she is afraid to let down her guard and be with him. However, [add a comma] when Nina almost dies, [add a comma] Sebastian not only saves her but nurses her back to health, [add a comma] breaking through the barrier she has placed on her heart. When Nina shows up to One Hope, the mega church Sebastian’s father pastors, [add a comma] their happy bubble bursts. Her name: Mrs. Finch, [add a comma] one of the churches [misspelling -- should be church's]oldest and most influential member’s [misspelling -- should be members] who wants nothing more than one of her granddaughters to marry Sebastian. Her manipulative skills put Nina and Sebastian’s relationship to the test and force them to decide if they are right for each other and if it’s worth fighting her [delete the determined Mrs. Finch to save their relationship]. Nina’s neediness and want for something more out of life fight for priority in her [delete making the] ultimate choice: change and be with Sebastian or be who she truly is for the first time in her life and risk him leaving.[I would cut this last sentence. Can she break the hold her desperation for love and acceptance has put on her or will she fall back into the depression she has worked so hard to overcome?]

My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice, [add a comma and capitalize the title] is a college age romance chronicling the struggles of a young woman coming into her own, and [add a comma and AND] struggling to find faith, love, and direction in her seemingly haphazard life [I would shorten this last sentence -- for example, is a romance chronicling the struggles of a young woman coming into her own.]

Thank you for considering my query,

Nicole Rivera

Thank you for all of your help. This is try # 3 :)
A few suggestions. I just edited to include hyphens in the first sentence. Good luck!

NicoleLee
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Re: Query - Please Help - Revised 3

Post by NicoleLee » February 13th, 2010, 4:13 pm

Mr. Agent,

Nina, a nineteen-year-old college student on the brink of suicide, is desperate to change her life, but that means dumping her abusive control-freak boyfriend, being alone, and having to figure out who she is, what she wants, and what she’s willing to sacrifice to get there. With the help of her therapist she dumps Caesar, but not without fear and repercussions. When Sebastian comes into her life she is afraid to let down her guard and be with him. However, when Nina almost dies, Sebastian not only saves her but nurses her back to health, breaking through the barrier she has placed on her heart. When Nina shows up to One Hope, the mega church Sebastian’s father pastors, their happy bubble bursts. Her name: Mrs. Finch one of the church’s oldest and most influential members who wants nothing more than one of her granddaughters to marry Sebastian. Her manipulative skills put Nina and Sebastian’s relationship to the test and force them to decide if they are right for each other and if it’s worth fighting the determined Mrs. Finch to save their relationship. Nina’s neediness and want for something more out of life fight for priority in her ultimate choice: change and be with Sebastian or be who she truly is for the first time in her life and risk him leaving.

My 98,000-word novel, Nina Pruitt: The Choice, is a college age romance chronicling the struggles of a young woman coming into her own.

Thank you for considering my query,

Nicole Rivera

Try # 4....thank you for all of your help.

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