Been crazy busy with soon-to-be-Dad stuff and taking a break from the query/proposal thing (for sanity reasons). Back at it so I'll be browsing the posts and adding my two cents. Thanks for the feedback.
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... eep-going/ ----- Inspirational video for writers and promo
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... -rainbows/ ----- Book cover and book trailer
LATEST DRAFT....
Dear Secret Agent.
(Make it personal section)
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, he experiences clarity. He knows why Toughy has died.
Two months after burying Toughy’s ashes, Mr. Chin pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
OLD DRAFT
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin
Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
Last edited by Ryan on February 22nd, 2010, 12:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.
My love of fly fishing and surfing connects me to rivers and the ocean. Time with water reminds me to pursue those silly little streams of thought that run rampant in my head.
http://www.withoutrain.com/
http://www.withoutrain.com/
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir: Without Rain There Can Be Rainbows
I can't say much as to the multimedia side. I've never read a multimedia book of any kind. I almost feel like I can't say much about the memoir side, either. Honestly, there's not much of a hook here. The dog dies, it sends you off to some backwards place, and that seems to be it so far. I think we need less of the dog and more about what happens after arriving at the weird place. Definitely go back and add the romantic element. Alls I'm saying is, with the fiction queries, you need to walk away from them with a solid idea of what the book is about. I'm not getting that with this just yet. Good luck.Ryan wrote: Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. The dog's death is too fast, and it's not set up well. The first sentence could be seen as playful (that's how I first read it) then the second sentence is like 'injected, stopped breathing.' It's jolting, and not in a good way. Maybe make it clear that they're at the vet right from the get-go. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. Two things on 'knows why his dog has passed.' - well, we know why the dog passed, it was just injected with a lethal cocktail, (which was my immediate thought upon reading). Also, I'd like to see a stronger connection between the dog's death and the new journey. Maybe something more like 'There was a reason his best friend got sick- so he could journey...' Or something like that. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. The structure is off in the last sentence- Chances are slim he'll get a job, yet his meanderings lead him to this place where it's crazy. 'Yet' proposes a connection between slim chances at the job and goats and gang violence, but I don't see any connection. In this back of beyond place, back of beyond threw me. I'd reword. Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother cool. years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life. If this is a love story, I'm thinking you need to include that not here, but in the first couple paragraphs.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir: Without Rain There Can Be Rainbows
Thanks Dan
It's tough trying to put it all together and present it with a hook like an edge of your seat fictional piece. I guess I can over dramatize the gang slant saying something like: Mr. Chin abandons his house and sleeps in his van for fear of a drive-by. In the morning, he wakes up to teach his lesson on vowels. The love story part is a minor thread but it is an important element.
I think one of the problems I will have when I shop this story around is "What kind of memoir is this?" It crosses many lines within the memoir department. It really is a pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a travel adventure. The three things I try to keep from the reader until the very end are: Will I get the girl. Will I be allowed to take the new dog home and will I get my ass kicked or shot. All of these things they know of course because I wrote the book, have the new dog in videos and pics, and of course I get the girl because I've been writing about her all this time.
(sigh)I think some of the people I've been working with know my story so well they are skewed when they read my 'new' queries. So total strangers like you reading and commenting is a good thing.
Cheers
Ryan
It's tough trying to put it all together and present it with a hook like an edge of your seat fictional piece. I guess I can over dramatize the gang slant saying something like: Mr. Chin abandons his house and sleeps in his van for fear of a drive-by. In the morning, he wakes up to teach his lesson on vowels. The love story part is a minor thread but it is an important element.
I think one of the problems I will have when I shop this story around is "What kind of memoir is this?" It crosses many lines within the memoir department. It really is a pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a travel adventure. The three things I try to keep from the reader until the very end are: Will I get the girl. Will I be allowed to take the new dog home and will I get my ass kicked or shot. All of these things they know of course because I wrote the book, have the new dog in videos and pics, and of course I get the girl because I've been writing about her all this time.
(sigh)I think some of the people I've been working with know my story so well they are skewed when they read my 'new' queries. So total strangers like you reading and commenting is a good thing.
Cheers
Ryan
My love of fly fishing and surfing connects me to rivers and the ocean. Time with water reminds me to pursue those silly little streams of thought that run rampant in my head.
http://www.withoutrain.com/
http://www.withoutrain.com/
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. I like this a lot. I picture ten or more years of a happy, loving friendship and the sadness that accompanies the inevitable parting. It also suggests Mr. Chin was a friend to the very end. Mr. Chin has great capability for compassion. All this, conveyed in just four short sentences. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there. I'm missing a little clue as to why he has that belief.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. I take this to mean he did succeed in finding a teaching position? In this back of beyond place I like this as an alternative to the cliche Middle of Nowhere, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors. It sounds like a place to get away, do a village some good, and do bit of healing, all at the same time; a great match, in my opinion.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin[/quote]
Even without the multimedia angle, I'd like to read it. As a multimedia e-book, it could be one of the groundbreakers.
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. I like this a lot. I picture ten or more years of a happy, loving friendship and the sadness that accompanies the inevitable parting. It also suggests Mr. Chin was a friend to the very end. Mr. Chin has great capability for compassion. All this, conveyed in just four short sentences. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there. I'm missing a little clue as to why he has that belief.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. I take this to mean he did succeed in finding a teaching position? In this back of beyond place I like this as an alternative to the cliche Middle of Nowhere, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors. It sounds like a place to get away, do a village some good, and do bit of healing, all at the same time; a great match, in my opinion.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin[/quote]
Even without the multimedia angle, I'd like to read it. As a multimedia e-book, it could be one of the groundbreakers.
-
marilyn peake
- Posts: 304
- Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:29 pm
- Contact:
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir
Ryan,
I watched the two videos for which you provided links. WOW! Deeply moving with wonderful audio and cinematography. Your book trailer is incredible. I think it sells your book very well, making it intriguing to travellers, people interested in helping children in other countries, and dog owners. I would definitely buy this book.
I think the first two sentences in your trailer are powerful: “Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end.” Have you thought about using those two sentences in your query?
I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to cross out text, so I deleted words in certain places without marking where that was ... but how about something like this for your query? ...
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
[Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. I would remove this section because it sounds confusing and makes it difficult for the reader to identify what the book’s about.]
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, to liver disease and suffers through grief and loss, he experiences clarity. He knows why Toughy has died.
Mr. Chin decides to pursue his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life. [I added a space after Rainbows, changed the “A” in “A Maori proverb” to a small “a”, and removed the comma after the word “And” in the last sentence.”]
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book. [I added a comma after “Cup of Comfort for Mothers” and changed “story telling” to “storytelling”.]
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin
I watched the two videos for which you provided links. WOW! Deeply moving with wonderful audio and cinematography. Your book trailer is incredible. I think it sells your book very well, making it intriguing to travellers, people interested in helping children in other countries, and dog owners. I would definitely buy this book.
I think the first two sentences in your trailer are powerful: “Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end.” Have you thought about using those two sentences in your query?
I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to cross out text, so I deleted words in certain places without marking where that was ... but how about something like this for your query? ...
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
[Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. I would remove this section because it sounds confusing and makes it difficult for the reader to identify what the book’s about.]
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, to liver disease and suffers through grief and loss, he experiences clarity. He knows why Toughy has died.
Mr. Chin decides to pursue his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life. [I added a space after Rainbows, changed the “A” in “A Maori proverb” to a small “a”, and removed the comma after the word “And” in the last sentence.”]
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book. [I added a comma after “Cup of Comfort for Mothers” and changed “story telling” to “storytelling”.]
Sincerely,
Mr. Chin
Marilyn Peake
Novels: THE FISHERMAN’S SON TRILOGY and GODS IN THE MACHINE. Numerous short stories. Contributor to BOOK: THE SEQUEL. Editor of several additional books. Awards include Silver Award, 2007 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.
Novels: THE FISHERMAN’S SON TRILOGY and GODS IN THE MACHINE. Numerous short stories. Contributor to BOOK: THE SEQUEL. Editor of several additional books. Awards include Silver Award, 2007 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir
Cool idea. Thanks Marilyn. Voice overs in video and film are supposed to be treated like GOLD so it could make sense to use a few lines in the query. I'm getting ready to send out a new round so I'll try weaving in your suggestions.
Cheers
Ryan
Cheers
Ryan
My love of fly fishing and surfing connects me to rivers and the ocean. Time with water reminds me to pursue those silly little streams of thought that run rampant in my head.
http://www.withoutrain.com/
http://www.withoutrain.com/
-
marilyn peake
- Posts: 304
- Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:29 pm
- Contact:
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
I wish you all the best with this, Ryan. Your book sounds fascinating!
Marilyn Peake
Novels: THE FISHERMAN’S SON TRILOGY and GODS IN THE MACHINE. Numerous short stories. Contributor to BOOK: THE SEQUEL. Editor of several additional books. Awards include Silver Award, 2007 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.
Novels: THE FISHERMAN’S SON TRILOGY and GODS IN THE MACHINE. Numerous short stories. Contributor to BOOK: THE SEQUEL. Editor of several additional books. Awards include Silver Award, 2007 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
[quote="Ryan"]Been crazy busy with soon-to-be-Dad stuff and taking a break from the query/proposal thing (for sanity reasons). Back at it so I'll be browsing the posts and adding my two cents. Thanks for the feedback.
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... eep-going/ ----- Inspirational video for writers and promo
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... -rainbows/ ----- Book cover and book trailer
LATEST DRAFT....
Dear Secret Agent.
(Make it personal section)
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, he experiences clarity. He knows why Toughy has died. I suggest making this first paragraph into one sentence.
Two months after burying Toughy’s ashes, Mr. Chin pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: to teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
WITHOUT RAIN THERE CAN BE NO RAINBOWS (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin meets along the way, but with the woman who will become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to the Oakland International Film festival and various other film festivals. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Hello, Ryan. I enjoyed your query. I'm an animal lover with a house full of rescued animals.
I would capitalize the title of the novel and italicize your other works. That's standard.
I know you have a film or trailer on your website and hope you mention the website in your contact info.
Good luck!
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... eep-going/ ----- Inspirational video for writers and promo
http://thechinproject.wordpress.com/201 ... -rainbows/ ----- Book cover and book trailer
LATEST DRAFT....
Dear Secret Agent.
(Make it personal section)
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, he experiences clarity. He knows why Toughy has died. I suggest making this first paragraph into one sentence.
Two months after burying Toughy’s ashes, Mr. Chin pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: to teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
WITHOUT RAIN THERE CAN BE NO RAINBOWS (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin meets along the way, but with the woman who will become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to the Oakland International Film festival and various other film festivals. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Hello, Ryan. I enjoyed your query. I'm an animal lover with a house full of rescued animals.
I would capitalize the title of the novel and italicize your other works. That's standard.
I know you have a film or trailer on your website and hope you mention the website in your contact info.
Good luck!
Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
Congrats on becoming a father! This query has a lovely heart-warming feel to it. Not every story is about mystery/suspense and one of the oldest questions in literature is why do we die and what happens afterward.
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. I like this beginning. I think this draft is an improvement over the first one. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, he experiences clarity. This is my question - does he experience clarity immediately, or does he go in search of it? I know he is you which must make it even more difficult! He knows why Toughy has died. Would it be more accurate to say After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog Toughy, he pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. And leave the clarity for later?
Two months after burying Toughy’s ashes, Mr. Chin pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To live and teach in the countryside of Aotearoa, the Maori name for New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.(this I understand)
Mr. Chin’s meanderings (word?) deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. I think this first sentence needs to be expanded, it's too condensed and too casually mentioned that there is gang violence. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. I'm not sure you want to tell me this at this point Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word memoir about a teacher and his pets. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people and animals Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Good on you. Good luck with parenthood and with the novel/e-book. You have a lovely, lovely way of expressing yourself.
OLD DRAFT
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. I like this beginning. I think this draft is an improvement over the first one. After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog, Toughy, he experiences clarity. This is my question - does he experience clarity immediately, or does he go in search of it? I know he is you which must make it even more difficult! He knows why Toughy has died. Would it be more accurate to say After Mr. Chin loses his beloved dog Toughy, he pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. And leave the clarity for later?
Two months after burying Toughy’s ashes, Mr. Chin pursues his dream of teaching overseas, something he would never have abandoned Toughy to do. He journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To live and teach in the countryside of Aotearoa, the Maori name for New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.(this I understand)
Mr. Chin’s meanderings (word?) deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. I think this first sentence needs to be expanded, it's too condensed and too casually mentioned that there is gang violence. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. I'm not sure you want to tell me this at this point Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows (a Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word memoir about a teacher and his pets. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And it is a love story, not just with the people and animals Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers, but writing is not my only means of storytelling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Good on you. Good luck with parenthood and with the novel/e-book. You have a lovely, lovely way of expressing yourself.
OLD DRAFT
Dear Secret Agent,
(Make it Personal Section)
Mr. Chin buries his face into the golden hair of his panting dog. A veterinarian administers the shot and the dog’s panting ceases. Mr. Chin rises, wipes his puffy eyes, and thanks his friend one last time. Through the grief and loss there is clarity; he knows why his dog, Toughy, has passed. After laying Toughy’s ashes to rest, Mr. Chin journeys to New Zealand with a goal: To teach and live in the countryside of Aotearoa, as the Maoris call New Zealand. He doesn’t know a soul, and he doesn’t have a job lined up. All he has is the belief that he is supposed to be there.
With dozens of applicants for every teaching position, the chances are slim that he will succeed, yet Mr. Chin’s meanderings deliver him to a place where barefooted children chase wild goats for sport and where gang violence erupts on occasion. In this back of beyond place, Mr. Chin heals from the death of his dog and he acknowledges unresolved emotions surrounding the loss of his brother years earlier. Although it isn’t in his plans to take in a cat or a new dog, plans have a way of dissolving in the face of purring kittens and slobbering Labradors.
Without Rain There Can Be No Rainbows(A Maori proverb) is a 75,000 word pet and teacher memoir sandwiched into a fate-filled adventure. It's a down-to-earth dispatch from a foreign land, a story of a man transformed in an improbable place. And, it is a love story, not just with the people Mr. Chin met along the way, but with the woman who would become the love of his life.
My writing has been published in the forthcoming 2010 anthologies Ink-Filled Page and Cup of Comfort for Mothers but writing is not my only means of story telling. In 2005, my film Herded was accepted to various film festivals, including the Oakland International Film Festival. By merging video skills and writing, my memoir can be presented as a multimedia e-book.
Sincerely,
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