Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6

[Tycoon]

Hi Tycoon,

Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children.

Question: Why do you insist on lengthening this sentence? We know Christian is on duty.

I still like: “In battle Christian sustains a wound that renders him incapable of fathering children.”

I know, I need to get over it. HA HA... BROWBEATER!!! Less is more though! I think I'll go with your sugestion

Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading what Abigail’s reaction to his injury might be, Christian decides against informing her about his impairment.

Comment: The last sentence is also long.

Suggestion: Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment.

I hate you!!! but your right! :P


What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

Suggestion: Christian doesn’t comprehend that Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

I'm keeping the "what" or if I do it like you suggest I feel changing "doesn't" to "can't" is better... what do you think? also maybe changes the "she's" to "they're" since they are in it together? and change "accept" to "love"

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses, resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves.

Comment: “resolving to himself” is like a sour note on a piano to me. Now why is that? I like separating this part as its own sentence. Then the contrast with God’s viewpoint on Christian’s worth as a husband stands out.

Suggestion: When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. In his heart, he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves.

More hate coming your way, but its smoother this way. (is putting on evil hat to destroy your query in a few minutes) j/k

God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon his return home, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Ghost in the Machine (yes, feel free to ignore my yammering)

Hate is another word for love imo!!

thanks

[Tycoon]

KK again again again

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will love him no matter what albatross they’re forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. In his heart, he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon his return home, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

[JustineDell]

KK again again again Ha...Ha...you have children - don't you? ;-)

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will love him no matter what albatross they’re forced to bear. You've done a great job with this paragraph. I'm left saying....ooohhhh.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. In his heart, he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail. Seriously....my eyes are tearing. So not kidding either. You've done a great job with this paragraph too.

Upon his return home (delete home and maybe say 'to his wife' or 'After returning to Abilgail' . I'm only suggesting a different word because this would be the third time you use 'home' in as many paragraphs.), he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Tycoon - I think your query has come a long way as well (I've been saying that a lot tonight). I think I may be getting emotional watching all these wonderful queries come together. Now only if I could get mine right...urgh! Anyhoo - there's always a way to tweak or redo, depending on your opinon, but I really think this is oh-so-close to the one or even is 'the one'. Big kudos to you!

~JD

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Tycoon,

Aww, you know there’s a fine love between love and hate. Now to work:

I wrote: Suggestion: Christian doesn’t comprehend that Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

You replied: I'm keeping the "what" or if I do it like you suggest I feel changing "doesn't" to "can't" is better... what do you think? also maybe changes the "she's" to "they're" since they are in it together? and change "accept" to "love"

Survey says: Without the ‘what”, ‘can’t’ is better.

I still like “she’s” with the albatross since this paragraph is focused on Christian’s lament. He’s thinking about how much he’s messing up her life, not his own. Plus you really stressed in the first paragraph how having children was her dream.

Or it could be my evil ego yammering again. What do you think?

I still like “accept” because she will have to accept that she can’t have children if she decides to stay with him. She will have to accept the situation, accept her damaged husband. Boy-howdy, I like ‘accept’.

And now the Ghost needs some Zzzz’s. The Ghostlings have been waking up at 5 a.m., the little rascallians.

Hey, I didn't use any pretty colors this time - must be too tired.

[Serzen]

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will love him no matter what albatross they’re forced to bear. I was hoping you'd get the gender confusion cleared up :)

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. In his heart, he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth hmm.. two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon his return home, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

I think I'm editing everyone else's work to keep me from looking at my own. Whomever let me write the first 20 pages in the voice I did needs to be thumped in the noggin. But for comments:

I don't think that you need Abigail to be parenthetical; in fact I know you don't. She is his wife, period, not a wife as an afterthought. As for God sending forth...It might be traditional to think of it that way but it doesn't read nicely. I might scratch the 'forth' altogether. In the closing sentence I think someone else mentioned 'return home' as being awkward was well. Also, pet peeve, using he so early in the sentence, and it's a new paragraph, sort of lacks definition. I might be tempted to write, "Upon his return home, Christian is overcome...when He graces the Brysons with an unexpected gift." Losing surprise because it's redundant--if it was expected it wouldn't be a surprise--and a gift is a nice thing to get.

Nicely done.

~Serzen

[Tycoon]

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ----- Again


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart - he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon Christian's return to his wife, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

[Bron]

Hi Tycoon,

I haven't read any of your other revisions of this query, so I'm coming to it fresh. It read well to me. I don't think you need the first sentence though. The information in it is mostly conveyed in the next two sentences. Just add his last name to the second sentence and maybe the fact he's a reservist and you're good.

I was also wondering where Christian was for most of the story. He was deployed to battle, then wounded. Does he refuse to come home from an army hospital? Is he sent home but then goes somewhere else? It's not a major issue but it did leave me wondering. In fact, the first sentence isn't a major issue either. They're just things I noticed.

I've never sent a query in my life though, so please take these suggestions with a handful of salt :-) It's just what I picked up on. Perhaps other people with more experience can weigh in with their thoughts.

[Tycoon]

Hi Tycoon,

I haven't read any of your other revisions of this query, so I'm coming to it fresh. It read well to me. I don't think you need the first sentence though. The information in it is mostly conveyed in the next two sentences. Just add his last name to the second sentence and maybe the fact he's a reservist and you're good.

I was also wondering where Christian was for most of the story. He was deployed to battle, then wounded. Does he refuse to come home from an army hospital? Is he sent home but then goes somewhere else? It's not a major issue but it did leave me wondering. In fact, the first sentence isn't a major issue either. They're just things I noticed.

I've never sent a query in my life though, so please take these suggestions with a handful of salt :-) It's just what I picked up on. Perhaps other people with more experience can weigh in with their thoughts.

I added "from the hospital" in the 1st line on the 3rd paragraph... tell me what you think.

[Bron]

Yep, that works well! Now I want to know how they help him... but I suspect that's info better left out of the query :-) You know, entice the agent to read on and all that.

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Tycoon,

Just a few more tweaks . . . NOT! Stick a fork in me, I'm done. You are good to go.

Congrats - Ghost

[Tycoon]

Hi Tycoon,

Just a few more tweaks . . . NOT! Stick a fork in me, I'm done. You are good to go.

Congrats - Ghost

I got a whole-lot-o-forks for you!!!

Thx for the help!

[Serzen]

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family/,/ his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep/,/ and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart /-/ he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers–-one alive, the other not–-to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon Christian's return to his wife/,/ he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.

Only fixed a couple of tiny things here. Otherwise good work.

Removed a comma first paragraph, first sentence. Added a comma second paragraph, second sentence. Third, third, removed the hyphen (no need for any punctuation there). Third, fourth, changed the hyphens to dashes (normally written as two hyphens, the editors and agents will know what it means, your word processor will probably auto-correct for it) and removed the spaces. When using the dash you don't put a space before or after it. Final paragraph, removed a comma.

Nicely done.

~Serzen