Recurrent Universe

[Sadi]

Dear Ms. Agent,

In Afghanistan 1998, four soldiers are stationed at a checkpoint near Taloqan, a city in the hands of the Anti-Taliban Resistance Army.

They live in a small recurrent universe of their own, having cut their connections to the rest of the world. Less than ten cars pass by their checkpoint each day and only once their commander comes to bring them food each month, while the soldiers themselves go to the town twice a year and spend the rest of it in their guardroom. After having lived for almost two years, they know all about each other as their words and actions repeats each day as the day before. Yet there is one comrade by the name of Taj who is different, and who goes to the town daily in the summer and once a week in the winter. Other comrades don’t know where and why he goes, and they even know little about his past, his dreams, and his purpose.

One day a young man by the name of Bek is introduced to them by the commander as their new comrade. He decides to destroy their recurrent universe by finding out the secret about Taj before he himself falls the trap.

A SKY OF STARS is a literary fiction, complete at 65,000 words. I work for the Afghan Civil Service Institute, providing writing and editing services, and live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Thank you for your consideration.


Sincerely,

[kelseyebeach]

Please see my comments below in blue.

Dear Ms. Agent,

In Afghanistan 1998, four soldiers are stationed at a checkpoint near Taloqan, a city in the hands of the Anti-Taliban Resistance Army.

They live in a small recurrent universe of their own, having cut their connections to the rest of the world. ["Recurrent universe" made me think it would be a sci-fi novel, where they would literally be reliving the same day over and over. Maybe it is because I write fantasy, but I recommend something like "Every day was exactly the same" or similar.] Less than ten cars pass by their checkpoint each day and only once their commander comes to bring them food each month, while the soldiers themselves go to the town twice a year and spend the rest of it in their guardroom. [This sentence can be cleaner. "Less than ten cars pass each day, their commander delivers food once a month, and the soldiers leave the guardroom only twice a year to gather supplies at the nearby town."] After having lived for almost two years, they know all about each other ["everything about each other"?] as their words and actions repeats each day as the day before.

Yet there is one comrade by the name of Taj who is different, and who goes to the town daily in the summer and once a week in the winter. Other comrades don’t know where and why he goes, and they even know little about his past, his dreams, and his purpose. [Is Taj one of the soldiers, or is he a townsperson? His name is unusual: is he Afghani? You can also make this paragraph tighter. "Yet one soldier is different. Taj goes to town daily (I don't think the summer/winter difference is needed) for reasons he refuses to explain. They know nothing/little of his past, his dreams, or his purpose." You could add one more detail after him going to town daily, like his refusing to sleep in the guardroom with them or something else unique.]

One day a young man by the name of Bek is introduced to them by the commander as their new comrade. [Put in the active tense. "One day the commander introduces Bek as their new comrade."] He decides to destroy their recurrent universe by finding out the secret about Taj before he himself falls the trap. [Provide some detail about Bek. Why does he want to find out Taj's secret? Is he a new recruit and a bitter old timer? Is he confrontational or distrustful because of a bad experience in the war? How does he figure out the secret? Does he bully Taj or follow him to the village? Also, he probably would not decide to destroy their recurrent universe. He would just destroy it.]

A SKY OF STARS is a literary fiction ["a work of literary fiction" or a "literary novel"], complete at 65,000 words. I work for the Afghan Civil Service Institute, providing writing and editing services, and live in Kabul, Afghanistan. [This is a great personal detail to include; the agent will appreciate authenticity.] Thank you for your consideration.

I am definitely intrigued by the setting and concept. I think you can add more to make it stand out. I haven't read any novels on the war in Afghanistan, but I imagine you need to differentiate yourself from that crowd. You could reveal more of Taj's secret or the soldiers' suspicions without giving too much away. You could also add some details on the other soldiers. Is there one protagonist? It is a buddy novel? Does the story take place only in the present or are there flashbacks to each of their histories?

Try another rewrite. Good luck!

[Sadi]

Humans are born free but everywhere they are in chains.

In Afghanistan 1998, two soldiers, Taj and Bek, are stationed at a check point near Taloqan, a city in the hands of Anti-Taliban Resistance army.
Taj doesn’t remember a day in his life without war. Raised in a lawless society and courteous culture, he doubts almost everything with no basis. So intense is his doubts that he stays awake all night, sleeps for two hours in the morning, and goes to the town daily. Above all he doubts the way of life which he has lived for the past two decades, and deep in his heart he desires to free himself from it. Bek is kind to his comrades and seems wise, with a background of knowledge. Yet he also has never accepted the unrefined way of life which he’s been bound to live and desires a profound way of interpreting life.

They endeavor to find a truth beyond the culture imposed on them, but realize that they are bound by the chains of culture. To unchain themselves they pick up a fight that takes them beyond the unknown line of good and evil.

A SKY OF STARS is a literary novel complete at 65,ooo words.
Sincerely,

[kelseyebeach]

Me again. My first thought is that this query has changed a lot! I feel like I've learned a lot about your book, but the plot seems very different. In the first, Bek seemed like a troublemaker crashing into the recurrent universe of four close friends/soldiers. In the second, Taj seems like the troubled main character and Bek is a wise man. Be sure you convey the theme of your story.

Humans are born free but everywhere they are in chains. [Although this is an excellent quote (who doesn't love Rousseau?), it's better to start off with a hook about your novel.]

In Afghanistan 1998, two soldiers, Taj and Bek, are stationed at a check point near Taloqan, a city in the hands of Anti-Taliban Resistance army.

Taj doesn’t remember a day in his life without war. [So he is Afghani.] Raised in a lawless society and courteous culture, he doubts almost everything with no basis. [What does he doubt? Other people? That the war will end? I can understand him being guarded, but this sentence is confusing. Maybe "he doubts everyone that offers friendship or hope."] So intense is his doubts that he stays awake all night, sleeps for two hours in the morning, and goes to the town daily. [Why would doubting make him stay awake all night?] Above all he doubts the way of life which he has lived for the past two decades, and deep in his heart he desires to free himself from it. Bek is kind to his comrades and seems wise, with a background of knowledge. Yet he also has never accepted the unrefined way of life which he’s been bound to live and desires a profound way of interpreting life. [Bek's characterization is very vague. Knowledge of what? He wants a new life or a new way of interpreting life?]

They endeavor to find a truth beyond the culture imposed on them, but realize that they are bound by the chains of culture. [You can probably cut this part in green.] To unchain themselves they pick up a fight that takes them beyond the unknown line of good and evil. [What kind of fight? Be more explicit.]

A SKY OF STARS is a literary novel complete at 65,ooo words. [I liked your line on the Afghani Civil Service Institute.]

After reading the query, I'm still left wondering what the novel is about. Is it a psychological or spiritual journey as Bek and Taj work out their differences? Is it action-packed as they fight the Taliban? You need to tell us the plot as well as the themes. Maybe it would help if you compared it to other novels.

Keep trying!