Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6

[Tycoon]

Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone.


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. But when he later sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children, he wrestles with the thought of letting his wife Abigail know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have taken him. Instead, he must confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail.

Christian is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting his homecoming; so this valuable lesson Christian has relearned: God always has a plan in everything He does.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

[Dankrubis]

All right, first time reading any version- here goes.

Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone.


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. But when he later sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children, he wrestles with the thought of letting his wife Abigail know. I'm no English major, but I think there's a lot of passive voice going on in this first paragraph. How about 'telling his wife' instead of 'letting his wife know.' 'Army Reserve unit deploys for war' instead of 'learns his unit is deploying.' Etc.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have taken him. Instead, he must confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail This tripped me up. The sentence 'he must confront his fears and face his wife' made me think, okay, he's gonna tell her. Then the next sentence says exactly the opposite. I was like, huhwaa? about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. I feel that 'turning dreams into a nightmare' is not quite right. For one, it's cliche, but also- isn't he more taking her dreams away? I was gonna suggest 'shattered her dreams' but that's cliche, too.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. This here seems to be the gist of the story, but it's very vague. I'd get a little more specific as to how these two travelers affect Christian. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail.

Christian is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting his homecoming; so this valuable lesson Christian has relearned: God always has a plan in everything He does. I'm assuming that he comes home from war to find that he got his wife preggo before he left and now he's got a son/daughter. Then the book ends. If this is the case, maybe leave it out to entice the reader? Otherwise, you're telling the entire story in the query.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you. I guess this is OK, but it throws me off. Like, if this were your resume, this line would be similar to saying "Can't wait to start work on Monday." It's a little overconfident.

Regards,

[christi]

Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

The reason I made these changes is due to Janet Reid. She is always lamenting about such things. It's a given that it's completed and is available for review or you wouldn't be querying, and suggesting you'll meet an agent in the future 'is creepy,' per her. She says to just politely thank the agent for reading all the way to the bottom (in case it's crap and it was painful to make it all the way through ;-) ) These are just friendly suggestions. As for the rest of the query, I second most of what Dankrubis suggested.

[Ghost in the Machine]

Dear Tycoon,

You’ve been getting lots of advice and the query is more focused. But as I read this version, it felt a little bland compared to earlier versions, almost like ‘too many cooks spoiled the pot.’ Of course, I’m one of those cooks. After you decide what changes to take from the forum, I hope you can put this query away for a few days and come back to it with fresh eyes. Make sure it reads with your voice and your passion.

That said, I’ll comment again for what it’s worth. Many of these are repeats of Dankrubis.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife Abagail’s dream of starting a family, (he learns – cut) his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle he sustains a wound that renders him incapable of fathering children. While his body recovers, his spirit languishes as he wrestles with the thought of letting (still like ‘agonizes over letting’) Abigail know.

Note: I put Abagail's name in the first sentence and took "his wife" out of the last.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have taken him (how about “his devastating injury had been fatal” , still passive voice though). Instead, he must confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

Two comments: Christian doesn’t really ‘break’ his promise to Abagail by being injured. He can’t fulfill his promise.

Also, like Dankrubis, the use of ‘nightmare’ doesn’t quite fit. That’s more of a horror/suspense type phrase. Christian isn’t turning Abagail’s dream into a nightmare. Her fate is that her deepest wish must remain a dream, forever. A dream-denied kind of thing. So does Christian think he can make things right by bowing out of the marriage and letting her find another husband? The next part suggests this.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves(convinces himself that) he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail.

Suggestion to condense last part: “ to help Christian find the strength to return home and apologize to Abigail.”

Christian is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting his homecoming; so this valuable lesson Christian has relearned: God always has a plan in everything He does.

Comment: I liked the ending in the last version better. The last sentence of this version sounds like a sermon. One that’s been heard many times. Ending with the surprise of the unknown progeny in the last line felt stronger.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

Ghost in the Machine

[Tycoon]

Yea-- I think your correct ghost.... I am playing around with what lots of people have suggested...seeing what works and what doesn't... The best way to learn is by trial and error.

[Tycoon]

After sleeping on it I went back through everyones comments from this board, along with another board. Trying to apply what I have learned for what works and what doesn't. Here is what I came up with.


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit will deploy for war. While serving his country Christian sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, he agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his impairment for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise that he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have taken him. Dreading the idea of breaking his pledge to Abigail, Christian decides against informing her about his injury. But what Christian doesn’t understand is Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross he's forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses, resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

And when Christian returns home to his wife; he’s overcome with joy, for God has a purpose in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

[TheShadow]

Looks good, don't think there is anything major to add to it.

Something minor: "Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize for being unfair to Abigail." Can cross out for being unfair and it would flow better. Just a thought.

[johydai]

This is very good. Nice story and choice of words. I really like the message of "God has a purpose in everything He does". I think that it's very neat. Just the first paragraph alone pulls you into the story, and you feel the emotions of the characters (Abigail eager to start a family, a husband who is keeping his injury a secret, God, the hope and guidance the two special travelers bring him, and a "unexpected surprise"). This would definitely make a wonderful addition to my library.

Johydai

[Tycoon]

Looks good, don't think there is anything major to add to it.

Something minor: "Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize for being unfair to Abigail." Can cross out for being unfair and it would flow better. Just a thought.

Thanks and I did as you suggested!

[Tycoon]

This is very good. Nice story and choice of words. I really like the message of "God has a purpose in everything He does". I think that it's very neat. Just the first paragraph alone pulls you into the story, and you feel the emotions of the characters (Abigail eager to start a family, a husband who is keeping his injury a secret, God, the hope and guidance the two special travelers bring him, and a "unexpected surprise"). This would definitely make a wonderful addition to my library.

Johydai

Thank you for the wonderful comments... I enjoyed reading something without all the red fricking ink!!!

Now... on to help others!

[christi]

I think this has reached final draft at last! Isn't writing queries fun? Maybe if it's a best seller you'll never have to write another one. Or at least find an agent and never have to write another one That's my hope. I never want to go through this again. Good luck with your story!

I made it a rainbow just for you so it's not all that scary red anymore :-)

I know the yellow is hard to read, sorry.

[Tycoon]

I think this has reached final draft at last! Isn't writing queries fun? Maybe if it's a best seller you'll never have to write another one. Or at least find an agent and never have to write another one That's my hope. I never want to go through this again. Good luck with your story!

I made it a rainbow just for you so it's not all that scary red anymore :-)

I know the yellow is hard to read, sorry.

It may be hard to read but it sure is pretty!!!

Thanks again

[Ghost in the Machine]

Tycoon,

What? Red is not your favorite color any more? Okay, I’ll use blue. It’s easier to read anyway.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, (he learns – cut) his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. (In battle) Christian sustains a wound that renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, he agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his impairment for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise that he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have taken him. (Dreading the idea of breaking his pledge to Abigail, - cut) Christian decides against informing (doesn’t inform) her about his injury. But what Christian doesn’t understand is Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross he's forced to bear.

Question: Would this be more powerful if you changed the “he’s” to “she’s”? Then the albatross is on Abagail; she won’t get to have children by her husband.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. He can no longer be the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

(And – cut) When Christian returns home (to his wife- cut); he’s overcome with joy, for God has a purpose in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

Comment: Love how you phrased this last lines. Beautiful.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Okay, I will torture you no longer. Best of luck.

Ghost in the Machine

[Tycoon]

FUN FUN FUN, here is another version.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading what Abigail’s reaction to his injury might be, Christian decides against informing her about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses, resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon his return home, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Tycoon,

Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children.

Question: Why do you insist on lengthening this sentence? We know Christian is on duty.

I still like: “In battle Christian sustains a wound that renders him incapable of fathering children.”

I know, I need to get over it.

Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling Abigail, his wife, about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading what Abigail’s reaction to his injury might be, Christian decides against informing her about his impairment.

Comment: The last sentence is also long.

Suggestion: Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment.


What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

Suggestion: Christian doesn’t comprehend that Abigail will accept him no matter what albatross she’s forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses, resolving to himself that he can no longer be the husband she deserves.

Comment: “resolving to himself” is like a sour note on a piano to me. Now why is that? I like separating this part as its own sentence. Then the contrast with God’s viewpoint on Christian’s worth as a husband stands out.

Suggestion: When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian refuses. In his heart, he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves.

God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon his return home, he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected surprise.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Ghost in the Machine (yes, feel free to ignore my yammering)