fantasy query: Arkarum

[arkarum]

I'm new to this post. Just finished the re-re-rewrite of my first novel and have decided to get serious about finding an agent/publisher. Any feedback is most welcome. Thanks in advance.

Dear Agent,

Countless generataions have passed since the fall of mankind. The bowels of Hell have poured forth their scourge, and the few pockets of human resistance are slowly but inexorably being murdered and enslaved.

Mercius, half man, half demon, was born in the dungeons of his father, the Demon Lord Asgoroth. After witnessing the torture and death of his human mother, Mercius makes his escape. He must then battle against the Hell-spawn that threaten to annihilate the remnants of mankind. With an army and a demon-forged sword at his back, Mercius must learn to control the strange magic that he discovers harbored in his soul. His journey through forsaken lands, to eradicate the demons that have blighted the world, will take him into the very depths of Hell to confront not only Asgoroth, but the demon that resides in Mercius himself.

Arkarum: The Hammer and the Blade, is complete at 130,000 words, and is my first novel.

[Quill]

Countless generataions

typo: generations

have passed since the fall of mankind. The bowels of Hell have poured forth their scourge,

Not quite congruous. How about "continue to pour forth their scourge"?

and the few pockets of human resistance are slowly but inexorably being murdered and enslaved.

Mercius, half man, half demon, was born in the dungeons of his father, the Demon Lord Asgoroth. After witnessing the torture and death of his human mother, Mercius makes his escape. He must then battle against the Hell-spawn that threaten to annihilate the remnants of mankind. With an army and a demon-forged sword at his back, Mercius must learn to control the strange magic that he discovers harbored in his soul. His journey through forsaken lands, to eradicate the demons that have blighted the world, will take him into the very depths of Hell to confront not only Asgoroth, but the demon that resides in Mercius himself.

This is rather good. A bit florid, but it has verve. Almost cartoonish in its seeming exaggeration, but tightly written. Reminds me of Conan the Barbarian, though I haven't read Robert Howard's books.

Arkarum: The Hammer and the Blade

CAPITALIZE the entire title.

, is complete at 130,000 words,

A hella long book for a debut novel, even in the fantasy genre. You probably know this will be a point against it, going in.

and is my first novel.

This isn't necessary to state. Instead, definitely do give the genre. Fantasy? YA fantasy?

Also, I'd add here, "Thank you for your time and consideration."

Good luck with the project. Sounds like a corker of an adventure.

[arkarum]

Thanks Quill for the help. Will work on that second sentence. Already fixed the ending salutation, so it's good to know that I was on the right track there. As far as length goes, I've already pared it down from 136,000. I know it's terribly long for a first-timer, but I'm pretty happy with the story, and don't think there's any unnecessary fluff in there. Again, thanks for the help!!

[Bobcgirl8]

Hi!
I think the only part I would really change is the first few lines. I'd like to see the main character up there in the first or second sentence. I think it would help set the hook quicker.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

[mindbuilder]

I agree with most of what Quill posted.
Some additional feedback:

"mankind" - capitalize it as a noun.

"bowels of Hell", "poured forth their scourge", "pockets of human resistance" - sounds like a Terminator movie. Unoriginal intro. If I were an editor, I wouldn't have read further than these two sentences.

Be careful of sentence organization. Sometimes the smallest tweak can make a difference in how smoothly it reads. For example:

"Mercius, half man, half demon, was born in the dungeons of his father, the Demon Lord Asgoroth."

Instead becomes: "Half man and half demon, Mercius was born in the dungeons of his father, the Demon Lord Asgoroth."

"His journey through forsaken lands, to eradicate the demons that have blighted the world, will take him into the very depths of Hell to confront not only Asgoroth, but the demon that resides in Mercius himself."

Commas are pauses. Eliminate the one between "lands" and "to eradicate" since there is no need to pause here.
Get rid of unnecessary words, make it tighter, succinct. Watch out for "very" or "that" - common unnecessary words. If you aren't sure if a word is necessary, take it out and read the sentence out loud. If it makes no difference, delete.

Perhaps: His journey through forsaken lands to eradicate the demons in the world will take him into the depths of Hell to confront not only his father, but the demon within himself.

I like the story line, the idea that Mercius must battle against himself and the "Hell-spawn" but I'm not sure you presented this as an original story I haven't heard before - how else can you describe "forsaken lands" or the threat to "annihilate the remnants of mankind?"

I would really like a little more detail about the "strange magic he discovers harbored in his soul." Now that's a sneak peek I want to hear about - a half demon with magic in his soul. Touche!