Dear…,
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Can he bring himself to exchange one form of slavery for another, however limited? Having lost all hope and self-worth in the world of his birth, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind?
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel, and once this trilogy is finished, I have a different series I’m working on. They are inter-connected, with many of the same characters appearing and interacting with each other in their respective novels, yet each is a stand-alone piece focused on separate lives.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Ok, I feel pretty confident that I'm near to actually making use of this. Have to make one final sweep read of my ms to clear up any remaining items that bother me, but then I think I may be ready to send it out. I know the word count is high, but right now I just don't feel happy cutting it down any more.
Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/15/12
Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/15/12
Last edited by GaoYuQing on May 15th, 2012, 2:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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wilderness
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Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final(?)
GaoYuQing wrote:Dear…,
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release. This is an interesting beginning.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Good. Can he bring himself to exchange one form of slavery for another, however limited? Having lost all hope and self-worth in the world of his birth, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? Hmm, I think this is a pretty good set up but I have no idea where it's going, and not in a good teaser way. It sort of feels like nothing will happen, that he will simply be trapped for 20 years and then be free. I want to see the character do something pro-active to help his situation. Also, I'm not sure about ending the query with two rhetorical questions. You're ending with abstract, thematic questions but you'd probably be better off with a concrete plot situation, usually with the character having to choose between an rock and a hard place. Leave us dying to know what happens. I don't believe the sorceress's deal counts as such because it is obvious that 20 years enslavement is better than life.
Born to Bondage Maybe it's just me but Bondage makes me think this of erotica/BDSM though you say it's fantasy--probably not what you're going foris a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel, and once this trilogy is finished, I have a different series I’m working on. They are inter-connected, with many of the same characters appearing and interacting with each other in their respective novels, yet each is a stand-alone piece focused on separate lives. I really wouldn't mention all that, and the caveat that the novels stand alone comes too late.
I hope to hear from you soon. Agents have a pet-peeve about that; end with thanking them for their time instead.
Ok, I feel pretty confident that I'm near to actually making use of this. Have to make one final sweep read of my ms to clear up any remaining items that bother me, but then I think I may be ready to send it out. I know the word count is high, but right now I just don't feel happy cutting it down any more.
I think what you have is clear and concise, but I'm still not getting a good feeling for what the majority of the novel will be tackling.
Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final(?)
Errrrr...and that's my fear. It was originally a single book, but I had to break it up into three due to its length. The biggest decision therefore comes in book 3, though there are other events and choices happening in the previous 2. Thanks for alerting me that the message is still hazy, I'll have to find a spin for this.
As for the title, I actually am pretty set on it. The hint at the bdsm angle is actually deliberate though it's not erotica in the slightest (though it is adult and not intended for kids) and I'm fine with that. One of the underlying themes I'm exploring in the books is the nature of submission, and in so far as there is a willing submissive relationship, the d/s interaction is explored. It also ties in directly with a conversation between the protagonist and the other key character of my story that I consider key. The next 2 books continue the alliteration with Born to Betrayal and Born to the Blood.
Thank you very much for the feedback.
As for the title, I actually am pretty set on it. The hint at the bdsm angle is actually deliberate though it's not erotica in the slightest (though it is adult and not intended for kids) and I'm fine with that. One of the underlying themes I'm exploring in the books is the nature of submission, and in so far as there is a willing submissive relationship, the d/s interaction is explored. It also ties in directly with a conversation between the protagonist and the other key character of my story that I consider key. The next 2 books continue the alliteration with Born to Betrayal and Born to the Blood.
Thank you very much for the feedback.
Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final(?)
Ok, in light of previous comments and personal urges I've supressed until now, I thought I'd do an update and try a different tack:
Dear…,
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Having already lost all hope and self-worth once, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? This is quickly put to the test as hostile forces see Dawn’s abilities as their road to power, with her latest slave the means to control it.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and to decide not only who he is, but what he might become.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
My concern here is that this might lay out too much of the storyline of this novel and give away too much. Obviously for instance, he chooses Dawn over his initial status, and obviously its implied he escapes the "hostile forces" if the journey is continuing...but really, would a reader expect anything different? Is losing some mystery/suspense worth the gained clarity and increased scope? Do I want to hint at the following novels? I'm not totally happy with the juxtoposition of the question and the following statement in the second paragraph. There's so much I might wish to say, and only so many words in which to say it. The ultimate focus is the transformation of Paul, with the experiences and adventures along the way the vehicle for those changes. Submission is the one theme, transformation the second.
Dear…,
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Having already lost all hope and self-worth once, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? This is quickly put to the test as hostile forces see Dawn’s abilities as their road to power, with her latest slave the means to control it.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and to decide not only who he is, but what he might become.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
My concern here is that this might lay out too much of the storyline of this novel and give away too much. Obviously for instance, he chooses Dawn over his initial status, and obviously its implied he escapes the "hostile forces" if the journey is continuing...but really, would a reader expect anything different? Is losing some mystery/suspense worth the gained clarity and increased scope? Do I want to hint at the following novels? I'm not totally happy with the juxtoposition of the question and the following statement in the second paragraph. There's so much I might wish to say, and only so many words in which to say it. The ultimate focus is the transformation of Paul, with the experiences and adventures along the way the vehicle for those changes. Submission is the one theme, transformation the second.
Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/10/12
Rule here is to comment on others work before posting your own, and because I'm no expert, I'm going to answer based on what I'd respond to as a reader.
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
What did he lose? Telling me what he lost might bring me into the emotional part of why I care or how I can relate to him, especially when it drives him to suicide. Like... After losing his wife, his house and his brother to gambling, Paul decides his only option is to kill himself. I want to feel what he feels so I have a reason to root for him, even though he kills himself, which I can't root for. Then after he goes to the alien world, he can seek redemption or be hired for the skills that put in in that situation to begin with and he fights to not repeat his mistakes. Make me care what happens to him.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Having already lost all hope and self-worth once, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? This is quickly put to the test as hostile forces see Dawn’s abilities as their road to power, with her latest slave the means to control it.
For me, this is too much information, too much of the story. When I pick up a book, I want to know just enough to make me curious about what is happening and how he might get out of it. On book covers, I look for who the character is, what started the incident that can't be undone once it's started and a teaser of how he might get out of it. Like sex, tease me or put me side by side with the protagonist so I'm doing it with him/her.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and to decide not only who he is, but what he might become.
This part intrigued me as to how it fits in solving the problem the main character will face or what he'll face during the story. Multiverse suggests he'll need to travel to other places to escape or have his copy in the different verses working as one to destroy the common foe on all the verses.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
I'm not sure if this is helpful to you. Again, I can only approach this from a reader POV, since my experience is limited to what I'd respond to and what I've learned from the webinars from Writer's Digest. I'll wait and get feedback from forums experts before doing another one of these.
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
What did he lose? Telling me what he lost might bring me into the emotional part of why I care or how I can relate to him, especially when it drives him to suicide. Like... After losing his wife, his house and his brother to gambling, Paul decides his only option is to kill himself. I want to feel what he feels so I have a reason to root for him, even though he kills himself, which I can't root for. Then after he goes to the alien world, he can seek redemption or be hired for the skills that put in in that situation to begin with and he fights to not repeat his mistakes. Make me care what happens to him.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Having already lost all hope and self-worth once, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? This is quickly put to the test as hostile forces see Dawn’s abilities as their road to power, with her latest slave the means to control it.
For me, this is too much information, too much of the story. When I pick up a book, I want to know just enough to make me curious about what is happening and how he might get out of it. On book covers, I look for who the character is, what started the incident that can't be undone once it's started and a teaser of how he might get out of it. Like sex, tease me or put me side by side with the protagonist so I'm doing it with him/her.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and to decide not only who he is, but what he might become.
This part intrigued me as to how it fits in solving the problem the main character will face or what he'll face during the story. Multiverse suggests he'll need to travel to other places to escape or have his copy in the different verses working as one to destroy the common foe on all the verses.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
I'm not sure if this is helpful to you. Again, I can only approach this from a reader POV, since my experience is limited to what I'd respond to and what I've learned from the webinars from Writer's Digest. I'll wait and get feedback from forums experts before doing another one of these.
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wilderness
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Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final(?)
GaoYuQing wrote:Ok, in light of previous comments and personal urges I've supressed until now, I thought I'd do an update and try a different tack:
Dear…,
After losing everything that gave him identity and direction in life, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of the story, but instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Now enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. Having already lost all hope and self-worth once, can he regain them if it means the surrender of everything that he is—including the transformation of his body and mind? This is quickly put to the test as hostile forces see Dawn’s abilities as their road to power, with her latest slave the means to control it.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and to decide not only who he is, but what he might become.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
My concern here is that this might lay out too much of the storyline of this novel and give away too much. Obviously for instance, he chooses Dawn over his initial status, and obviously its implied he escapes the "hostile forces" if the journey is continuing...but really, would a reader expect anything different? Is losing some mystery/suspense worth the gained clarity and increased scope?
If anything, I thought you should reveal more. I think it's obvious that he is going to try to escape his enslavement, the only question is how. Who are the hostile forces, and what opportunity do they offer? What is the danger of the opportunity?
If you haven't read it yet, check out Nathan's post on the importance of specificity in a query: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html
Do I want to hint at the following novels?
I would try to stick to what happens in the first novel only.
I'm not totally happy with the juxtoposition of the question and the following statement in the second paragraph.
I didn't really think the question was necessary; it was more thematic and abstract than I think you want, especially at that part of the query.
There's so much I might wish to say, and only so many words in which to say it. The ultimate focus is the transformation of Paul, with the experiences and adventures along the way the vehicle for those changes. Submission is the one theme, transformation the second.
I think you can trust your reader to pick up on those things based on the description of the plot. You don't have to lay them out explicitly. In fact, if the reader picks up on them, you know you are showing instead of telling.
Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/10/12
Thanks Joe and Wilder. I find it a point of amusement that one of you thought I had too much, the other not enough, details. Just drives home the subjective nature of this all. FYI Joe, I did go through and post feedback for several queries at the same time I posted my query, and I have posted before, though it's been a while. I do try and follow the rules 
I've been holding off on Brotherly Love because there just seemed to be...so much to say, but now that Wilderness broke the ice...
And Wilder, I had read that post of Nathan's, but a long time ago back when I first thought I was ready to submit. *shakes head at naive younger self* XD
As always thanks once more for the feedback. I feel like I'm chiseling stone with this thing, but every chisel blow brings me closer to the final product.
I've been holding off on Brotherly Love because there just seemed to be...so much to say, but now that Wilderness broke the ice...And Wilder, I had read that post of Nathan's, but a long time ago back when I first thought I was ready to submit. *shakes head at naive younger self* XD
As always thanks once more for the feedback. I feel like I'm chiseling stone with this thing, but every chisel blow brings me closer to the final product.
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wilderness
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Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/10/12
Haha, yeah I noticed I was giving the opposite advice but that didn't change my opinion. 
It could be a sign that you are including a lot of details but maybe not the right ones. Go with your gut. Good luck!
It could be a sign that you are including a lot of details but maybe not the right ones. Go with your gut. Good luck!Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/10/12
Ok, taking into consideration the previous comments as well as my "gut" as to what details I really want to focus the story on--at risk of making it seem as if there's not a lot of action, here we go. (I don't know if there's a time limit you're supposed to wait out before reposting, but once my mind starts working on something, I feel as if I need to finish it.) If nothing else, give me a reader's POV on whether it sounds interesting enough because I think I worry about trusting my audience to pick up on my message. I worry I'm playing down the action. But I'm trying wilderness!
Dear…,
After losing his job, house, family, and even his sense of identity, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of his story. Instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. As an added gift, she offers him a potion that will allow him to physically embody his idealized self-image.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and decide not only who he is, but what he might become. Paul had already lost all hope and self-worth once as a free man. Now he has the chance to regain it as a slave, but the potion is changing him, and he learns you may not always be who you think you are.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
Dear…,
After losing his job, house, family, and even his sense of identity, Paul gives in to despair and kills himself. This should have been the end of his story. Instead he wakes in an alien world to find that things can always be worse. Enslaved by a monster that feeds on his pain and fear, Paul must find a way to escape from a place where not even death grants release.
His opportunity comes with the arrival of Dawn, a mysterious sorceress, but her price for his freedom is twenty years of the very liberty he seeks. As an added gift, she offers him a potion that will allow him to physically embody his idealized self-image.
And this is only the start of their journey, as Paul tries to learn his place in the worlds-spanning Multiverse and decide not only who he is, but what he might become. Paul had already lost all hope and self-worth once as a free man. Now he has the chance to regain it as a slave, but the potion is changing him, and he learns you may not always be who you think you are.
Born to Bondage is a 110,000 word fantasy, and will be the first book in a trilogy chronicling the travels and transformation of my protagonist, Paul, and his companions. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
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wilderness
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Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/10/12
Cool, I really like the inclusion of the potion that is changing him. It introduces a great point of internal conflict. I'm not in love with the very last bit "he learns you may not always be who you think you are" --- I think you can phrase how the potion affects him more explicitly or just leave it out altogether and let us imagine how the potion could change him. Good luck!
Re: Born to Bondage query - Revised final-updated 5/15/12
Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad I included the potion bit too as its effects really are the source of the most immediate dramatic change in the MC and the source of many minor changes in the following novels. To say more would give too much away, but I think it needed to be included. I hadn’t originally done so though because I was worried that it might not interest the reader as it wasn’t a source of “action.” But then the most important action takes place (for me at least) in the mind. I appreciate it. The promptings in this thread helped convince me to include this angle.
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