QUERY: VANQUISH - YA/Alternate History

[retrorocket]

Note to all: I would appreciate any and all opinions, especially concerning the target genre.

Seventeen-year-old Briley Bannatyne lives with her older brother Mackinley and her mother in a poor village in 1940 England. They barely get by as machinists, repairing equipment for farmers and flying the post in their father’s old Jenny biplane. There is great excitement when Mackinley is offered an enlistment in the Air Militia. The Militia protects the fortress port of Sky City from pirates. The only one not excited is Briley, who only wishes for the same chance as her brother.

Just before Mackinley enlists, he crashes the Jenny and is badly injured. From his hospital bed, he convinces Briley to take his place. He assures his sister that it will be a great adventure, a lark.

He could not be more wrong. Briley can fly a plane, but she is expected to become a fighter pilot. Her fellow recruits are university graduates and privileged sons of lords. They don’t think much of this country girl, until the day Briley shoots down—and spares the life—of a pirate.

Kendrick is unlike any pirate Briley has been warned about. Dark-eyed and well-spoken, the pirate entrusts her with his life. He warns her that something more dangerous is coming: a mercenary force called the Black Legion is sweeping across all of Europe. True to Kendrick’s word, Paris falls to the Legion and its monstrous flying battleship. England is next. As she struggles with her feelings for Kendrick, Briley finds herself at the forefront of a desperate and frightening new world war.

VANQUISH is a 115,000 word epic reimagining of the Battle of Britain. An exciting alternate history filled with fantastic elements and romance, this is a tale told through the eyes of a young woman who becomes a symbol of bravery and defiance to an entire people.

Much appreciated!

[Sleeping Beauty]

This is really really good! Sounds very steampunk-y and cool.

I'm sure you know the word count a tad long, but I sense the aerial-war takes up the bulk of your novel. In that case, it could make this query read as exclusively set-up, which you want to avoid. Perhaps expand upon what kind of role Briley plays in the war, what choices she'll have to make. I'd also make the back story about her brother more concise - introduce him, his recruitment and his accident in the same sentence if you can.
The only thing that really threw me is the surprise at Briley shooting down a pirate - which I assume is expected of her - and why she has the choice to keep the pirate alive. If she's hiding him for some reason, or otherwise has power over his fate, I think you might need to clarify what and why.

I like the Irish names, too.

[retrorocket]

I appreciate your comments. Yes, the word count is eating at me. I could split the book into two halves or even into a typical trilogy with more expansion. I thank you for the opinion about the original query being more about the story set-up, I would like it to be more about Briley and her motivations.

In the story line, pirates are treated as criminals, not as prisoners-of-war (England is not technically at war yet in this alternate history), and so its not uncommon to kill pirates even if they 'hit the silk'. Briley's decision to let the pirate Kendrick live, after which he is captured and brought back to the air base, is the motivation for the story's romantic plot. So I could focus more on that and other events in Briley's life during the air war.

Thanks again!

[wilderness]

This sounds like you have a really cool alternate history world. However, I think the voice and sentence flow is off. Narrow in on Briley's POV and focus on her goal and ambition.

Hope that helps!

Seventeen-year-old Briley Bannatyne lives with her older brother Mackinley and her mother in a poor village in 1940 England. They barely get by as machinists, repairing equipment for farmers and flying the post in their father’s old Jenny biplane. There is great excitement when Mackinley is offered an enlistment in the Air Militia. Passive sentence. Who is excited? The Militia protects the fortress port of Sky City from pirates. The only one not excited is Briley, who only wishes for the same chance as her brother.

These short sentences feel a little terse and choppy. I feel like it it could be arranged to flow better. Also the order of information seems off; it is is not clear right away this is an alternate history version of 1940 England. Also, start from Briley's POV right away.

Just before Mackinley enlists, he crashes the Jenny and is badly injured. From his hospital bed, he convinces Briley to take his place. He assures his sister that it will be a great adventure, a lark. Motivation is confusing. I thought she had already wanted to take his place, so why does he need to convince her?

He could not be more wrong. Briley can fly a plane, but she is expected to become a fighter pilot. Passive voice. Expected by whom? Her fellow recruits are university graduates and privileged sons of lords. They don’t think much of this country girl, until the day Briley shoots down—and spares the life—of a pirate. The perspective seems to be from everyone except your main character.

Kendrick is unlike any pirate Briley has been warned about. Passive voice and seems awkward. Who warned her against him? Dark-eyed and well-spoken, the pirate entrusts her with his life. He warns her that something more dangerous is coming: a mercenary force called the Black Legion is sweeping across all of Europe. True to Kendrick’s word, Paris falls to the Legion and its monstrous flying battleship. England is next. As she struggles with her feelings for Kendrick, Briley finds herself at the forefront of a desperate and frightening new world war. The last line is vague. What is the main conflict? Yes there is a war, but what in particular must Briley overcome? Think about the internal & external goals of your main character and what is personally at stake for her.

VANQUISH is a 115,000 word epic reimagining of the Battle of Britain.An exciting alternate history filled with fantastic elements and romance, this is a tale told through the eyes of a young woman who becomes a symbol of bravery and defiance to an entire people. That last part is obvious from the query. You should state your genre clearly; steampunk or alternate history is probably fine. 115K is a little on the longish side but I think it's just at what is acceptable for an adult steampunk, so I wouldn't sweat the length.

Much appreciated!

[4helen]

I AM EXCITED BY THIS POST.

Seventeen-year-old Briley Bannatyne lives with her older brother Mackinley and her mother in a poor village in 1940 England.Not a strong start I would redo this sentence. Set up her problem first. You can tell us how old she is later. ex. Briley Bannatyne's family of machinists barely get by repairing farm machines and flying the post in their old Jenny biplane. But when Briley's older brother is offered a spot in the Air Militia, which protects Sky City from pirates, all but Briley is thrilled over the uptick in the family's fortunes.


I suggest you read book blurbs to get a feeling for how to pitch your query. Tighten the prose, heighten the tension, don't tell us it's exciting, make us believe it.