Science Fiction: Merm-8

[theWallflower]

EDIT: Revised query below

Dear agent,

Gene got himself a mermaid.

He didn't want it, of course. The damn thing swam up the tailpipe of his boat while he was trying to avoid the mafia he owes a debt to. It's bad enough most of the world is flooded and he has to eke out a living on the ocean with only his AI for a companion.

She only speaks gibberish, so there's no telling where she came from. Fortunately, he has a scientist friend on a floating sea station nearby. Maybe he can find out. Gene certainly doesn't want to. He's busy laying low, scrounging for jobs, and repairing his spit-and-chewing-gum ship.

But the mermaid keeps popping up in his life, especially when the general populace learns about her. Gene feels a need to protect her, and as the two bond, he wants to find out if she's as magical as she seems or bad luck for sailors as everyone thinks.

It might be both, because a mysterious silver ship that could be the clue to her origin attacks the station. Gene must decide whether to save her, because doing so means betraying his friend.

MERM-8 is a 90,000 word science-fiction novel in the tradition of "The Little Mermaid" meets "Waterworld". I have been previously published in blah blah and blee blee. And so on and on...

[wilderness]

I think you have a great high-concept premise and good voice in this query, but I'm not getting a good sense of the stakes. Why is the mermaid's origin important and what is the main conflict?

Dear agent,

Gene got himself a mermaid.

He didn't want it, of course.Why "it" instead of "her"? The damn thing swam up the tailpipe of his boat while he was trying to avoid the mafia he owes a debt to. How small is this mermaid that she can swim up a tailpipe? It's bad enough most of the world is flooded and he has to eke out a living on the ocean with only his AI for a companion. Referring to AI as a companion seems odd to me...unabbreviated that would be "with only his Artificial Intelligence as a companion." I think it makes more sense to say "with only his artificially intelligent companion, X". Also maybe give us some indication if this is just a system like Hal in Space Odyssey or an actual robot.


She only speaks gibberish, so there's no telling where she came from. Since the last person you mentioned was AI, you need to specify what the pronoun refers to. Fortunately, he has a scientist friend on a floating sea station nearby. Maybe he can find out. Phrasing seems choppy, and "he" is another ambiguous pronoun -- does it refer to the scientist friend or Gene. Gene certainly doesn't want to. Apparently, he does, or why would he bother asking his scientist friend? He's busy laying low, scrounging for jobs, and repairing his spit-and-chewing-gum ship. Again, why is it important where this mermaid came from?

But the mermaid keeps popping up in his life, especially when the general populace learns about her. Gene feels a need to protect her, and as the two bond, he wants to find out if she's as magical as she seems or bad luck for sailors as everyone thinks. Is it mutually exclusive?

It might be both,Seems obvious that it could be...not sure the last question works. because a mysterious silver ship that could be the clue to her origin attacks the station. Awkward sentence structure: "the ship that could be clue to her origin attacks" -- the subject is too far from the verb. Gene must decide whether to save her, because doing so means betraying his friend. Vague. Save her from what exactly? What friend will be betrayed and why do we care about them?

MERM-8 is a 90,000 word science-fiction novel in the tradition of "The Little Mermaid" meets "Waterworld". Good. Few X meets Y have ever sounded so accurate. I have been previously published in blah blah and blee blee. And so on and on...

[theWallflower]

Thank you for the feedback -- its the most constructive I've got so far. I made some clean up, mostly fixing vagaries and clarity. Let me know if I didn't clear something up. And let me know if I haven't explained something to a satisfactory point. What I've got here only summarizes half the novel.


Gene got himself a mermaid.

He didn't want her, of course. The damn thing swam up his ship's vent while he was trying to avoid the mafia he owes a debt to. She only speaks gibberish, so there's no telling where she came from or how she could exist.

It's bad enough most of the world is flooded and he has to eke out a living on the ocean with only his portable AI assistant, Stitch. Fortunately, Gene knows a long-time scientist friend on a nearby station who could find out. Could be a lot of money in it. And meanwhile, Gene could lay low, scrounge for jobs, and fix his spit-and-chewing-gum boat.

But the mermaid keeps popping up in his life, especially when the general populace learns about her. Everyone wants to know if she's a fantasy made real or a bad omen for sailors as the myth goes.

Just as they discover the secret of her existence, a mysterious silver ship attacks. As the station goes under, Gene must decide whether to escape with the mermaid, because doing so means betraying his scientist friend.

[masonblack]

This one reads much better.

Gene got himself a mermaid.

He didn't want her(, of course. - I'd take this out) but the damn thing swam up his ship's vent while he was trying to avoid the mafia he owes a debt to. This sentence doesn't flow right to me. Does it really matter that he was trying to avoid the mafia? She only speaks gibberish, so there's no telling where she came from or how she could exist.

It's bad enough most of the world is flooded and he has to eke out a living on the ocean alone with his portable AI assistant, Stitch. Fortunately, Gene's long time friend is a scientist on a nearby station who might know something. Who knows? She could bring in the money needed to pay his debt.. And meanwhile (while what?) Gene could lay low, scrounge for jobs, and fix his spit-and-chewing-gum boat.

But the mermaid keeps popping up in his life, especially when word gets out. Everyone wants to know if she's a fantasy come true or the bad omen in the sailors myth.

Just as he discovers her secret, a mysterious silver ship attacks and targets the station. Gene must decide whether to escape with the mermaid, because doing so means betraying his scientist friend. (Why?)

Tried to make some changes to make it flow better. Sounds like an interesting book. Thanks for you comments on my query and best of luck!

[theWallflower]

Revision 3: I went for a more "back cover copy" style this time. Keep it straightforward and concise. More summary. Less shock and cleverness. Is it any better? Is it too vague?

The Earth has flooded. If you're not stuck on one of the sea stations then you're ekeing out a life on the ocean. Like Gene. With his AI companion, Stitch, he's made the most out of salvage and smuggling jobs while avoiding the mafia. Until a mermaid swam into his ship.

He has no idea what to do with her or or why she's so affectionate. But she's frantically gesturing about something and doesn't want to leave. So he takes her to Carl Rance, a scientist on one of the sea stations. Her beauty and mystery entrances them both, but Rance becomes obsessed with her and the recognition he's receiving.

But before anyone solves her mystery, the station is attacked by an unknown silver ship. Gene escapes with the mermaid, becoming the only person who can help her. But once Gene figures out what she wants, she'll lead him to a secret the world isn't ready for, and has the potential to destroy the remnants of the planet.

[wilderness]

The Earth has flooded. If you're not stuck on one of the sea stations then you're ekeing out a life on the ocean. Like Gene. With his AI companion, Stitch, he's made the most out of salvage and smuggling jobs while avoiding the mafia. Maybe it's just me, but the change in perspective from 2nd person to 3rd felt a little jarring. Until a mermaid swam into his ship. Should be present tense.

He has no idea what to do with her or or why she's so affectionate. Affectionate doesn't seem like a sailor's choice in word. It might help if you channel Gene's voice here. But she's frantically gesturing about something and doesn't want to leave. So he takes her to Carl Rance, a scientist on one of the sea stations. I feel like this doesn't flow well. Two sentences in a row you begin with a conjunction (but and so). Consider combining. Her beauty and mystery entrances them both, but Rance becomes obsessed with her and the recognition he's receiving. This feels vague. Who is he receiving recognition from and why?

But before anyone solves her mystery, the station is attacked by an unknown silver ship. Gene escapes with the mermaid, becoming the only person who can help her. Why is he the only person? But once Gene figures out what she wants, she'll lead him to a secret the world isn't ready for, and has the potential to destroy the remnants of the planet.

Hmm, I don't have a specific insight but the general flow of sentences could be better. I like the idea of the world, but I feel like you could add a few more really intriguing details and show off your prose and voice a little more too. Hope that helps!