fooling around with loglines

[Preacher]

Benn doing lots of reading and research on loglines and i think they are a good exercise in distilling things down into those two sentences. I have 2 loglines i came up with, i am curious what you guys think.

1- Preacher's Blood - After learning his missing sister is alive, a retired fighter struggles to rescue her from a greedy doctor before an experimental fertility treatment kills her.

2- Less than Human - After stumbling into a secret Government lab, an ambitious reporter struggles with newfound abilities and men trying to keep him from finding the truth.

[Mira]

I like these, but I have to admit, I don't know what a logline is.....?

[polymath]

1- Preacher's Blood - After learning his missing sister is alive, a retired fighter struggles to rescue her from a greedy doctor before an experimental fertility treatment kills her.

2- Less than Human - After stumbling into a secret Government lab, an ambitious reporter struggles with newfound abilities and men trying to keep him from finding the truth.

Both give a sense of the central character, the dramatic action, some of the stakes and potential outcomes. I'm not especially stimulated by either though.

Note both begin with "After . . ." dependent participle clauses. Dependent clauses distract from main ideas. Since the purpose of loglines, elevator pitches, query pitch lines, etc., is to be brief and memorable, repeatable at the drop of a hat, simple main ideas make for effective loglines.

Artful loglines also engage audience curiosity from some degree of specificity and emotional stimulation. On a curiosity scale of zero to ten, ten being I absolutely must have a copy to read now, I'd give both loglines a four. By comparison, Bransford's pitch logline for Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow I'd give a six. Many TV Guide loglines I give a three. Many authonmy pitch loglines I rate from zero to two, more zeros than twos.

[Preacher]

I see what you mean. In the first example the dependent clause is totally useless because i can explain the situation without it.

Preacher's Blood - A struggling fighter out to prove he isn't the failure his father said he would be races to save his sister from a greedy doctor with a deadly fertility treatment.

Less Than Human - An ambitious reporter searching for the big story discovers a secret Government lab and struggles to uncover the truth while dealing with newfound abilities and dark men trying to kill him.

I wonder if those are any better.

[Mira]

Ahem.

What is a logline?

Inquiring minds would like to know......

[dios4vida]

I see what you mean. In the first example the dependent clause is totally useless because i can explain the situation without it.

Preacher's Blood - A struggling fighter out to prove he isn't the failure his father said he would be races to save his sister from a greedy doctor with a deadly fertility treatment.

Less Than Human - An ambitious reporter searching for the big story discovers a secret Government lab and struggles to uncover the truth while dealing with newfound abilities and dark men trying to kill him.

I wonder if those are any better.

I like the one for Less Than Human.

The one for Preacher's Blood felt muddled to me. The main subject of the sentence ("A struggling fighter") and the first predicate ("out to prove" - sheesh, I hope I got that correct!) are very easily confused with the "failure his father said he would be." It's a little clunky, and I'm not sure the detail about the father is truly necessary for a super-brief intro such as this.

"A struggling fighter out to prove he isn't a failure races to save his sister from a greedy doctor with a deadly fertility treatment."

Much clearer, and without the muddle in the middle it's a lot easier to see his path and the stakes.

[Mira]

Fine.

I looked it up myself. Seems like I have to do EVERYTHING around here.

Here's the definition of a log line according to Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge that is good and golden:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Log_line


It says a one line pitch.

You know, Nathan has a really good post on pitches. He even gives a model for how to plug them in, if I remember correctly. You might look it up on his blog.

I'd look it up for you, but I expended ALL MY ENERGY looking up what a logline was. Now, I"m exhausted.

[Preacher]

Thanks guys and the corrected one for Preacher's Blood definitely works better, i like it, and thank you.

Preacher's Blood - A struggling fighter out to prove he isn't a failure races to save his sister from a greedy doctor with a deadly fertility therapy. Hmm, i like it!

[dios4vida]

Fine.

I looked it up myself. Seems like I have to do EVERYTHING around here.

Oops. I got all caught up in trying to make sure I remembered the parts of a sentence correctly (yeah, I totally sung the Schoolhouse Rock "predicate" song to check if I got the right term) and forgot to answer your question. Sorry, Mira!!

Loglines are often called taglines, too, and are pretty much the briefest and most evil explanation of your book possible. They're a tremendously fantastic way to see if you have an interesting plot, definite main characters, stakes, etc. but trying to write a good one is awful. You have to leave out so much good stuff!

[polymath]

I suggest: Enhance specificity and arouse curiosity by incorporating an element of dramatic complication outcome doubt, and simplify syntax, as dios4vida suggests.

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman discovers his presumed-dead sister is alive, held captive by a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

[dios4vida]

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman discovers his presumed-dead sister is alive, held captive by a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

This may just be me and my understanding of a logline, but doesn't this example fail to illustrate the actions the protagonist is going to take? This seems to me like an explanation of the premise only, but not the dramatic conflict. His sister is being held - premise - but what does he do about it? Lewis could sit on his duff and make angry threats via Twitter, but that doesn't make much of a story. It's Lewis' actions we'll be concerned with, and those are what the bulk of the plot will be about, so shouldn't that be said as well?

[Preacher]

As i sat and thought about the loglines, i wondered about he possibility of taking Less Than Human and devloping a tv pilot for it. Just a thought but i think that the premise can be worked in to one.

[polymath]

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman discovers his presumed-dead sister is alive, held captive by a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

This may just be me and my understanding of a logline, but doesn't this example fail to illustrate the actions the protagonist is going to take? This seems to me like an explanation of the premise only, but not the dramatic conflict. His sister is being held - premise - but what does he do about it? Lewis could sit on his duff and make angry threats via Twitter, but that doesn't make much of a story. It's Lewis' actions we'll be concerned with, and those are what the bulk of the plot will be about, so shouldn't that be said as well?

I suppose it's a matter of what can be inferred or implied, and whether reporting a central action gives away the ending, the plot's outcome. "Discovers," for example, could be rescues instead with a few more recastings of the sentence content. Giving away, telegraphing an outcome or witholding an outcome? I believe there are many artful variations between those two extremes that preserve doubt and thus arose curiosity. I expect where on the spectrum of possibilities depends on audience sensibiliities.

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman rescues his presumed-dead sister, alive, from a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

[dios4vida]

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman discovers his presumed-dead sister is alive, held captive by a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

This may just be me and my understanding of a logline, but doesn't this example fail to illustrate the actions the protagonist is going to take? This seems to me like an explanation of the premise only, but not the dramatic conflict. His sister is being held - premise - but what does he do about it? Lewis could sit on his duff and make angry threats via Twitter, but that doesn't make much of a story. It's Lewis' actions we'll be concerned with, and those are what the bulk of the plot will be about, so shouldn't that be said as well?

I suppose it's a matter of what can be inferred or implied, and whether reporting a central action gives away the ending, the plot's outcome. "Discovers," for example, could be rescues instead with a few more recastings of the sentence content. Giving away, telegraphing an outcome or witholding an outcome? I believe there are many artful variations between those two extremes that preserve doubt and thus arose curiosity. I expect where on the spectrum of possibilities depends on audience sensibiliities.

Ex-prizefighter Lewis "Punch Punk" Leightman rescues his presumed-dead sister, alive, from a deranged Mexican fertility doctor.

I see what you're saying, and as always, it's a great point. What I was thinking was more like stating Lewis' first step toward the resolution, rather than the resolution itself. "Ex-prizefighter Lewis 'Punch Punk' Leightman dares the dangers of untamed and unsettled Mexico when he discovers his presumed-dead sister is alive and held captive by a deranged Mexican fertility doctor."

This way it shows that he's getting off of his duff (and Twitter) to act and gives us a hint that this book will take us traveling through rural Mexico, where our imaginations can begin to extrapolate the dangers he'll encounter. (Or whatever it actually does.)

[Mark.W.Carson]

I do them too. However, I find that log lines tend to be a bit run on. Here's mine for my current WIP:

Seventeen year-old Lucas Fuller must attempt to convince jaded psychiatrist Doctor Barnard that he's not insane despite his attempted suicide, but his erratic behavior and vivid descriptions of Heaven, Hell and their ongoing wars may be enough to have him committed forever.


For yours, of course, not knowing your story, how about:

"Preacher's Blood"
A retired fighter has just discovered his missing sister is alive, being experimented on, and that how long she lives will depend on if he can get to her before the treatments kill her.

"Less Than Human"
An ambitious reporter thought he had the story of a lifetime, but after being exposed to secret government experiments, he'll have to use his newly activated abilities to find answers from those who'd rather kill him than let the truth be told.