query - dirge of the desert

[JustineDell]

Sorry about all the red. How about I use blue this time? I've heard it's a calming color. ;-)

Dear Agent:
After waking up covered in panther fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and her mortality belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. Much better! Great opening line.

As she interacts with Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that she believes extends into her human past. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to in words. Once Dima realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project, her desire to discover the truth (who she is?) becomes pure obsession. How could she love the man who made her into a monster? I put a question in my query, but Nathan is not found of this type of thing. Be careful if you query him.

Dima must also (delete also) fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. (add because here to make it one long cohesive sentence?) Her newfound strength and bravado lead to numerous mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. Dima believes that his desire to turn her into a “prized pet” has something to do with her past. James doesn’t torment the other Humani unless she’s involved. He merely wants to break them. He wants to own Dima. Or kill her. Ooooohhh more conflict...me likes!!

When James’ punishments nearly cost Dima her life, Lorenzo has no choice but to send his precious Humani into hiding. Dima will be safe, but thousands of miles and an entire ocean will separate her from her past and the man she loves. That’s something she refuses to accept. Even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words and is my first novel.(leave the first novel part out) I have been writing since I was a child, and I’ve always loved a good story. I want to pass that love on to other people. (I would leave this part out too. It may be better to mention why you picked a particualr agent to query instead of personal info about you.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Great job on the re-write! I noticed that it doesn't sound anything like a Lora Leigh story now, which is something I was concerned about with the first query. You've given us more insight into the story without giving us too much. I also think the length is good. Good job!!

~JD

[lexcade]

You guys have been beyond helpful. I'm so grateful that you've taken the time to look this thing over and give me such awesome advice! Thanks! Here's the next attempt:

Dear Agent:

After waking up covered in panther fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and—since she's the first experiment that can speak—even her voice belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project.

As she interacts with Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that she believes extends into her human past. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to in words. Once Dima realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project, her desire to discover the truth becomes pure obsession. To her, there’s no logical reason to love the man who made her into a monster.

Dima must fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. Her newfound strength and bravado lead to Dima’s numerous mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. Dima believes that his desire to turn her into his “prized pet” has something to do with her past. James doesn’t torment the other Humani unless she’s involved. He merely wants to break them. He wants to own Dima. Or kill her.

When James’ punishments nearly cost Dima her life, Lorenzo has no choice but to send his precious Humani into hiding. Dima will be safe, but thousands of miles and an entire ocean will separate her from her past and the man she loves. That’s something she refuses to accept. Even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words. I want to query you because…

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Catherine Peace

[JustineDell]

Dear Agent:

After waking up covered in panther fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and—since she's the first experiment that can speak—even her voice belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. The new part of this sentence is the only thing I had a problem with. I think I liked it the other way better, although this is intriquing information...

As she interacts with Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that she believes extends into her human past. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to in words. Once Dima realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project, her desire to discover the truth becomes pure obsession. To her, there’s no logical reason to love the man who made her into a monster.

Dima must fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. Her newfound strength and bravado lead to Dima’s numerous mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. Dima believes that his desire to turn her into his “prized pet” has something to do with her past. James doesn’t torment the other Humani unless she’s involved. He merely wants to break them. He wants to own Dima. Or kill her.

When James’ punishments nearly cost Dima her life, Lorenzo has no choice but to send his precious Humani into hiding. Dima will be safe, but thousands of miles and an entire ocean will separate her from her past and the man she loves. That’s something she refuses to accept. Even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words. I want to query you because…

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Catherine Peace

I like it!!!! And, unless you want me to be super nit-picky...I probably wouldn't change a thing. Nice job!!!

~JD

[lexcade]

trying something new. and wishing i'd sent THIS one to nathan instead...


Dear [Agent]

Her name wasn’t always Dima. That’s all she knows.

When Dima first awakens, she is covered in panther fur and has no memory of her past. The Humani Project, a government-funded genetic cross-mutation experiment, is responsible, and the ones behind it aren’t talking.

The lead scientists hide behind carefully-crafted facades to hide the truth from Dima. Dr. Lorenzo attempts to remain stoic and aloof, but as time passes, he fails to hide his deep affection for Dima, leading her to question the depth of his involvement with her when she was human. Dr. James attempts to break her as she struggles to control the panther raging inside her DNA. Once his attempts resort to violence, she struggles to fight back and can’t help wondering what she did as a human to earn his hate.

In a place where death hides behind scientists and the exams designed to help her, Dima must decide if she’ll chance an escape into a world that despises her, or if she’ll stay and fight for the truth while fighting to stay alive.

Who the hell was she?

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,000 words. At your request, I am ready to submit a partial or a full.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Quill]

Her name wasn’t always Dima. That’s all she knows.

When Dima first awakens, she is covered in panther fur and has no memory of her past.

Make this one paragraph. Omit "first". It makes it sound like later the panther fur might disappear.

The Humani Project, a government-funded genetic cross-mutation experiment, is responsible, and the ones behind it aren’t talking.

To whom? To the public? How about aren't telling her anything.

The lead scientists hide behind carefully-crafted facades to hide the truth from Dima.

Clunky. Why can't they just remain mum? Why do they need facades, let alone "carefully crafted" ones?

Dr. Lorenzo attempts to remain stoic and aloof, but as time passes, he fails to hide his deep affection for Dima, leading her to question the depth of his involvement with her when she was human.

Clunky and long. Find smoother and more exciting phrases for "attempts to remain", "fails to hide" and "depth of involvement."

Dr. James attempts to break her as she struggles to control the panther raging inside her DNA.

Break her in what way? Housebreak her? Break her like a horse, to make her a pet? Also, be careful with your word territory. You used the word "attempts" in the previous sentence and you use it again in the next sentence. And it is not a strong word anyway.

Once his attempts resort to violence,

Call me a grammar marm, but I do not believe an attempt can resort.

she struggles to fight back

"Struggles to fight" is also clunky. How about just "fights"?

and can’t help wondering what she did as a human

"Can't help wondering" is weak and seems passive.

to earn his hate.

Earning hate seems weak, as well.

In a place where death hides behind scientists and the exams

Seems purple and convoluted. Are you making Death a character, to be able to hide behind scientists and exams? I don't get the image.

designed to help her,

This throws me. How are these medical experiments supposed to help her? That's not the setting you've laid out here.

Dima must decide if she’ll chance an escape

"Decide" and "chance" are two weak verbs better replaced with one strong verb.

into a world that despises her,

Can a world despise? It seems you are personifying world, as you did with death. And, why does her previous life, if that's what you are implying -- it isn't clear -- "despise her"?

or if she’ll stay

Where, in the lab where she was turned into a panther?

and fight for the truth while fighting to stay alive.

Why is her life in danger? Also, again about the word territory. Three "fights" in this section of the query -- two in this sentence alone -- seems too much.

Who the hell was she?

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,000 words. At your request, I am ready to submit a partial or a full.

"At your request, I am ready" is an odd statement, as the agent has not requested of you readiness. Also, "partial or a full" are a bit too informal for a query.

[lexcade]

thanks for the input, quill. you made a lot of great suggestions. i'm working on a revamp.

[Joel Q]

Dear [Agent]

Her name wasn’t always Dima. That’s all she knows.

When Dima first awakens, (a bit cliche, any other way to word this so agents won't cringe)she is covered in panther fur (like a blanket, dress or she has real furry arms and legs) and has no memory of her past. The Humani Project, a government-funded genetic cross-mutation experiment, is responsible, and the ones behind it aren’t talking. (I don't like this clause, but I don't know why?)

The lead scientists hide behind carefully-crafted facades to hide (echo word) the truth (the truth of what, her past, who she is or why she's in the program, or all the above??) from Dima. Dr. Lorenzo attempts to remain stoic and aloof, but as time passes, he fails to hide his deep affection for Dima, leading her to question the depth of his involvement with her when she was human. Dr. James attempts to break her as she struggles to control the panther raging inside her DNA. Once his attempts resort to violence, she struggles to fight back and can’t help wondering what she did as a human to earn his hate.

In a place where death hides behind scientists and the exams designed to help her,(I don't like this clause, I think b/c if the exams are meant to help why is it connect to death?) Dima must decide if she’ll chance an escape into a world that despises her, (why does the world despise her? B/c of her past or b/c of what she is now?) or if she’ll stay and fight for the truth while fighting (echo word) to stay alive. (I think this last sentence is too long. Try to break it up.)

Who the hell was she?
(I don't think you need this, it is an obvious question. But if you think you need it, I'd place it in one of the paragrahs instead of at the end.)

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,000 words. At your request, I am ready to submit a partial or a full.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[lexcade]

thanks, joel! quite helpful and much appreciated :)

[A.M.Kuska]

Lexcade -

This query caught my attention enough to read all the way to the end of the thread, even with the rough draft. I have to admit, if someone turned me into a panther and wiped my memory, there would be hell to pay. I'm talking about becoming a feline bolt of lightning from above. No memory needed to be Not Happy Kitty. (And I'm sure we all know what it's like to be around a Not Happy Kitty. Band-aids anyone?)

This latest draft works to show your story pretty well. I feel the comments already given make any detailed query I could offer redundant, but I would like to suggest that you replace the description of her panther self with something a bit more original. When you mention the fur, no matter how many ways you put it, I am still turned off. I blow your story off as fan girl material, someone who has watched the musical Cats one too many times, or a thinly veiled trip through FFXI as a Mithra. I can see from the rest of your query that this is not the case.

Is the first thing she notices the fact that she's covered in fur, or is it the fact that she's somewhat color blind, and can't see anything but motion very well? (Here's a quote from a feline eye website to give you some idea of what she may or may not be able to see...assuming her eyes are no longer human.)

The end result is that cats have poor detail vision compared to humans. And because cones are also responsible for color vision, cats have comparatively poor color vision. But they’re not colorblind. Instead, they have the same type of color vision as many people who are called colorblind: a type of red-green colorblindness termed deuteranopia. They can see blue versus other color fine, but tend to confuse colors on the red through brown through green continuum.

These are just things to think about. By replacing a simple thing like fur with a panther sense she uses in the book, it'll make your letter sound a bit more focused/serious.

This is just my personal opinion of course, please take it with a grain of salt.

[lexcade]

thanks, A.M.! that's something i hadn't thought about before, but it makes total sense. she relies a lot on her sense of smell, but one of the first things she notices (after the initial shock) is that colors are muted. i might have to work the colorblindness in as well...

[GeeGee55]

You've done so much work on this and it's really improved. I like this version better than the latest one - I think it flows better and gives me more details of the story Except:

Dear Agent:

After waking up covered in panther fur- I think you lost some clarity here in the revisions, on a first read I think it could mean she's covered in a panther skin rug or something and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and—since she's the first experiment that can speak—even her voice belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. Have you considered: Using the intro from your latest post and just make it flow into what follows? Her name wasn't always Dima. And she wasn't always a panther. That's all she knows.The scientists behind the Humani Project are responsible.

As she interacts with Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that she believes extends into her huma I'm sorry I messed this up somehow and did not mean to in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project, her desire to discover the truth becomes pure obsession. To her, there’s no logical reason to love the man who made her into a monster.

Dima must fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. really like this Her newfound strength and bravado lead to Dima’s numerous mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. Dima believes that his desire to turn her into his “prized pet” has something to do with her past. James doesn’t torment the other Humani unless she’s involved. He merely wants to break them. He wants to own Dima. Or kill her.

When James’ punishments nearly cost Dima her life, Lorenzo has no choice but to send his precious Humani into hiding. Dima will be safe, but thousands of miles and an entire ocean will separate her from her past and the man she loves. That’s something she refuses to accept. Even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words. I want to query you because…

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Catherine Peace[/quote]

I don't usually read sci-fi but this sounds fascinating. A great premise. Good luck with it.