Query - The Butterfly Key

[Tycoon]

Dear Agent,

Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions, Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence.

Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass, she is unable to purge the brutal despair that has seeped in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion.

Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers his wife and children around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates a made-up tale of a young couple who also want children, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God.

As Drew spins his yarn, he is hoping to weave a story that will show Nicole that God has a purpose for all that happens – even the heartrending events in life.

When Drew finishes his emotional story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction and is set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
XXX

[JustineDell]

Dear Agent,

Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions, Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence. Nice intro..conflict from the get-go (but..what are the "crush of emotions"?)

Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. What breaks her point and what battle does she lose? With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass, she is unable to purge the brutal despair that has seeped in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion. This paragraph is nice and descriptive, but it gives no insight into the conflict itself. I find myself wondering what is going on in the girls life that is so bad?

Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers his wife and children around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates a made-up tale of a young couple who also want children, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God. Now I am thoroughly confused. In the first paragraph she had a miscarriage so at first I think she is upset because she doesn't have children. But then her husband gather's her and their children around the tree, so I don't think that can't be the big problem. Then you talk about the tale of a young couple who also want children so I am back to believing they are childless.

As Drew spins his yarn, he is hoping to weave a story that will show Nicole that God has a purpose for all that happens – even the heartrending events in life. This is a powerful sentence...and so very true.

When Drew finishes his emotional story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. Again, forgiving God for the loss of a child or something else? You could leave this sentence alone if you add more info into her turmoil at the beginning, then the reader can understand better. That is until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction and is set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
XXX

This story has serious potential to be a thought-provoking tale, but I'm dying to know more details in the query (as noted above). You've given us a good outline, but not enough specifics. Does that make sense? Love the title by the way.

~JD

[Holly]

Dear Agent,

Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions, Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence.

Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass, she is unable to purge the brutal despair that has seeped in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion.

Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers his wife and children around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates a made-up tale of a young couple who also want children, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God.

As Drew spins his yarn, he is hoping to weave a story that will show Nicole that God has a purpose for all that happens – even the heartrending events in life.

When Drew finishes his emotional story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction and is set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
XXX

constant, never-ending crush of emotions (and BTW, constant and never-ending are the same thing)
agonizing conflict
soul fractured like a broken pane of glass
brutal despair that has seeped in through the cracks
shards of his wife’s shattered soul
indelible faith is at risk of erosion

Your story is interesting, but you have a lot of purple prose. Your query would improve if you nix the purple prose and tell us what happens instead. Wikipedia has a good description of purple prose and how it detracts from writing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

You also begin most of the sentences with the same kind of construction. Try reading the letter out loud and maybe you will hear it. I would vary my sentences.

Good luck!

[KappaP]

There are two issues with this:

1. the purple prose makes it seem like you're trying too hard. All that comes across to me is you telling me how upset she is and giving me the reason why (miscarriage) but not showing me a single thing. Anyone can understand that a miscarriage is a devastating event; using so many superlatives and adjectives is too forceful for me. I get that it's devastating-- just being human, I can understand that. SHOW it to me, don't describe it to me.

2. Reading your query, this is what your plot line is: Nicole has a miscarriage and is on the verge of losing her faith. On Christmas eve she is more upset than usual and her husband is worried that she is slipping away. So he gathers his family 'round the Christmas tree and tells them a story. After he tells the story, a present appears under the tree from a character in his story. Then the book ends.

You're probably saying "WHAT??" it doesn't end there, the story is just starting!!!! But this query gives me no sense of what the story is or why I should care past what seems to be a pretty crucial juncture in the plot (I mean, I am assuming now that the entirety of your story does not climax with Drew telling his family a story? And the action doesn't end with this mysterious present appearing). You've spent too much time trying to hammer Nicole's emotional state into our head and, as a result, there is no sense of the plot. This is a problem, for me. You can start with

"Devastated by her miscarriage, Nicole Kuefler's seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion. Determined to keep his family together, Nicole's husband, Drew, gathers his wife and children around the Christmas tree and weaves a story about a young couple who want children but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God.

Then a "but when a present appears" sentence and tell us what happens after that."

In short: tone down the description, tone up the plot details.

[Yoshima]

Hey Tycoon! More feedback, comin' right up!

Dear Agent,

Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her babyand inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions(we can assume that having a miscarriage is traumatizing), Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence. (I like the premise. I can see this happening in real life.)

Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass (icky cliche image; omit), she is unable to purge the brutal despair that has seeped in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion. (This whole paragraph isn't really necessary. We know her faith is wavering from the opening.)

Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul (eh...I'm not sure I like the whole "shattered soul" thing. It's kind of melodramatic.), Nicole’s husband, Drew, (cut out those two commas) gathers his wife and children around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates a made-up tale of a young couple who also want children, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God. (maybe give us a specific event in the story, instead of telling us "the providence of God?" That's too general.)

As Drew spins his yarn, he is hoping to weave a story that will show Nicole that God has a purpose for all that happens – even the heartrending events in life.

When Drew finishes his emotional story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is (comma) until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole. (Now it's getting interesting...but now the query's over! Aw. I guess that's a good reaction for me to have. ;) )

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction and is set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
XXX

Honestly, I think the query's too short. You could definitely beef it up a little, if you wanted to. Also, you use too many adjectives and such. They bog the query down. Cut those fluffy little things out and I think it'll improve the query monumentally. Great title, by the way! Hope this helps!

[maybegenius]

I too was confused to learn that Nicole and her husband have children, when she first seems devastated about miscarrying, and then the line "made-up tale of a young couple who also want children" follows in that train of thought. Not that having a miscarriage isn't devastating even if you do already have children, but the phrasing really led me to believe she was losing her chance at any child. It seems strange to me that she would be SO angry with God over this when she already has children - is there something else going on here that makes her feel conspired against? Miscarriages are horrible, but they're also fairly common.

I also agree that the description is overzealous, and you can dial it back without hurting the core of the story you're trying to convey. I'd like to hear a little more about the box. What will it change?

[taylormillgirl]

I too was confused to learn that Nicole and her husband have children, when she first seems devastated about miscarrying, and then the line "made-up tale of a young couple who also want children" follows in that train of thought. Not that having a miscarriage isn't devastating even if you do already have children, but the phrasing really led me to believe she was losing her chance at any child. It seems strange to me that she would be SO angry with God over this when she already has children - is there something else going on here that makes her feel conspired against? Miscarriages are horrible, but they're also fairly common.
I also agree that the description is overzealous, and you can dial it back without hurting the core of the story you're trying to convey. I'd like to hear a little more about the box. What will it change?

That doesn't seem strange to me at all. When I miscarried, I already had 2 children. Common or not, children or not, I can understand someone feeling very angry with God over the loss of a pregnancy. I'm not very religious, but the illogical part of my brain kept telling me God was punishing me when I lost our baby. Grief + raging pregnancy hormones = reactions that don't necessarily make sense.

I agree with the other reviewers. Cut out the purple prose and tell me more about the story and the mysterious gift. Good luck!

[maybegenius]

I too was confused to learn that Nicole and her husband have children, when she first seems devastated about miscarrying, and then the line "made-up tale of a young couple who also want children" follows in that train of thought. Not that having a miscarriage isn't devastating even if you do already have children, but the phrasing really led me to believe she was losing her chance at any child. It seems strange to me that she would be SO angry with God over this when she already has children - is there something else going on here that makes her feel conspired against? Miscarriages are horrible, but they're also fairly common.
I also agree that the description is overzealous, and you can dial it back without hurting the core of the story you're trying to convey. I'd like to hear a little more about the box. What will it change?

That doesn't seem strange to me at all. When I miscarried, I already had 2 children. Common or not, children or not, I can understand someone feeling very angry with God over the loss of a pregnancy. I'm not very religious, but the illogical part of my brain kept telling me God was punishing me when I lost our baby. Grief + raging pregnancy hormones = reactions that don't necessarily make sense.

I agree with the other reviewers. Cut out the purple prose and tell me more about the story and the mysterious gift. Good luck!

Admittedly, I am not a mother and have never been pregnant, so please take that with a grain of salt! I can absolutely understand that it could be an emotionally crushing experience.

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Tycoon,

After I read your query, I had the same reaction as some of the other folks. If this lady already has children, what’s with all the devastation? Then I had to get out of my chair to properly kick myself. I know couples that have gone through this.

You have a golden opportunity here, writing-wise. Stories about miscarriage are often linked to childless couples. You can present this topic from an entirely different perspective. Has this been done in popular fiction? I have no idea.

Here are some tools to 'show' the devastation instead of 'tell' in the dreaded purple prose:

1. The timing: consider the differences between a miscarriage weeks into the pregnancy vs. months into a pregnancy. In general, couples don’t announce pregnancy until the second trimester because the miscarriage rate is around 1 in 5. Once the announcement is made to friends, family, and the church, keeping a miscarriage private is not an option. Plus you have to explain it to your kids. Young children around age three to five like to ask questions. The same ones. Over and over.

2. This query talks about feeling betrayed by God. How about feeling betrayed by your own body? A body that has successfully carried other children to term—how could it fail now?

3. The pain isn’t just psychological. Not only does the woman lose the baby, she has to endure labor without the happy ending. Labor is excruciating, even in an early miscarriage. To add insult to injury, a mother has to bounce back quickly and take care of her kids.

Don’t those last five words sound innocuous? For the non-parent, let me rephrase. She has to bounce back, stay on her feet most of the day, prepare meals while being yelled at by several tyke-size versions of Chef Ramsey, strain every muscle dressing wiggly children, dreg up some enthusiasm for the 5th round of Go Fish, read stories about Strawberry Shortcake’s berry fun day with Honey Pie Pony, referee knock-down-drag-out fights over who gets the purple cup, wipe small bottoms, and so on, infinitum. Unless the kids are asleep or zombiefied by TV, there is no break. Wait, how did this become a tirade about my life? Hmm.

Anyhoo, we may have inadvertently found you a hook.

Possible opening: Suffer a miscarriage and sympathy is guaranteed. Unless you already have three kids. Then it’s not supposed to be so bad.

This has potential. I’ll be watching for the next query version.

Ghost in the Machine

[Tycoon]

Hello all,

First I would like to thank you all for your input... I can see how people can get confused and there is too much purple prose....

As for a miscarriage -- when a woman has children already then has a miscarriage I thought "Meh, no big deal" until it happened to my wife and her world, along with mine, was turned upside down. I held her in my arms everyday for 2 months straight while she cried. We could be out in the mall, watching tv, or just doing everyday ordinary things and she would break down and cry. So I kicked myself for being -- shall I say -- an ignorant husband. To make matters worse, there was a struggle with god and her faith and she stopped going to church.

So I thought to myself, whats the best way to help her.. I got it... Ill write her a book. Ill make it a frame story with the first and last chapters about us and make the middle an allegory about a couple who also want to have children. Most people though say when you do a query pick one or the other story if its a frame. I cant bring myself to do that because I think that the essence of the book is the first and last chapters.

So this is what I am tentatively working on. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Agent,

When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her unexpected miscarriage, an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence ensues. Unfortunately, Nicole’s husband and three daughters find themselves caught in the crossfire.

Guided by something extraordinary, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers his family around the Christmas tree. Determined to show his wife that God has a purpose in everything, Drew weaves an imaginary story of a young couple who promise each other children but find themselves struggling amidst God’s providence.

This is the allegory of that young couple.

Christian Bryson is no stranger to tragedy. His mother died shortly after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides not to tell him.

Why? Because Christian is deploying for war and Abigail believes he must remain focused on his duty.

Sadly, Christian receives a wound in battle right before Abigail gives birth - an injury that leaves him unable to father children. Lying in his hospital bed Christian wrestles with the thought of returning home to face Abigail, knowing that he could not give her the children she always wanted.

As Abigail fights for her husband, she decides not to tell Christian about her recent birth. She wants her husband to return home for their love, not for a sense of obligation.

Just when it appears their marriage is on the verge of collapse, God intervenes and sends a special viator to bring Christian home to his wife and unknown progeny.

When Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is, until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction, set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

[Holly]

Hello all,

First I would like to thank you all for your input... I can see how people can get confused and there is too much purple prose....

As for a miscarriage -- when a woman has children already then has a miscarriage I thought "Meh, no big deal" until it happened to my wife and her world, along with mine, was turned upside down. I held her in my arms everyday for 2 months straight while she cried. We could be out in the mall, watching tv, or just doing everyday ordinary things and she would break down and cry. So I kicked myself for being -- shall I say -- an ignorant husband. To make matters worse, there was a struggle with god and her faith and she stopped going to church.

So I thought to myself, whats the best way to help her.. I got it... Ill write her a book. Ill make it a frame story with the first and last chapters about us and make the middle an allegory about a couple who also want to have children. Most people though say when you do a query pick one or the other story if its a frame. I cant bring myself to do that because I think that the essence of the book is the first and last chapters.

First of all, please accept my condolences for the loss of your baby. I hope your wife is healing now. Your novel is a gift of love. I hope you find publication, but if not, I would find a printer to make a hardbound version and give it to her. The best of luck to you. I lost my beloved husband last year, so I understand.

So this is what I am tentatively working on. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Agent,

When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her [delete unexpected] miscarriage, [she falls into] an agonizing conflict against God and His so-called providence[delete ensues]. Unfortunately, Nicole’s husband and three daughters find themselves caught in the crossfire. [caught in the crossfire is a cliche... can you find your own words to say what happens in one phrase? What does Nicole do with her family to make them feel caught in a crossfire?]

Guided by something extraordinary [explain this], Nicole’s husband, Drew, [I know commas around a name are proper, but I would drop them] gathers his family around the Christmas tree. Determined to show his wife that God has a purpose in everything, Drew weaves an imaginary story of a young couple who promise each other children but find themselves struggling amidst God’s providence.

This is the allegory of that young couple.

Christian Bryson is no stranger to tragedy. His mother died shortly after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides not to tell him.

Why? Because Christian is deploying for war and Abigail believes he must remain focused on his duty.

Sadly, Christian receives a wound in battle right before Abigail gives birth - an injury that leaves him unable to father children. Lying in his hospital bed Christian wrestles with the thought of returning home to face Abigail, knowing that he could not give her the children she always wanted.

As Abigail fights for her husband, she decides not to tell Christian about her recent birth. She wants her husband to return home for their love, not for a sense of obligation.

Just when it appears their marriage is on the verge of collapse, God intervenes and sends a special viator to bring Christian home to his wife and unknown progeny.

When Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is, until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction, set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

I'm going to stop here. A query letter is a one-page business letter with a basic three paragraph format. You can vary this a little, but not much. The first paragraph is a hook sentence. The second paragraph is the plot summary. The third paragraph is your bio. You should also include a personalized statement about why you're contacting that agent. Agent Query http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx has a good description of the basics.

I am no expert on queries, so take that into account.

One option: start with ONE sentence about the miscarriage, then in ONE paragraph tell the summary of the second story, then in ONE sentence sum up how Drew and Nicole find the special gift under the Christmas tree. For example, When his wife Nicole loses her faith after a miscarriage, Drew Kuefler gathers his family around the Christmas tree to tell a story about God's mysterious purposes.

Also, your query is way too wordy -- too many adjectives and too many explanations. Go to Agent Query, study the basic format, and work on one paragraph summaries until you get the hang of it.

Good luck!

[aspiring_x]

Dear Agent,

When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible take these words out? faith crumbles after her unexpected (delete all miscarriages are unexpected miscarriage, an agonizing conflict against... maybe "she begins to question" God and His so-called providence ensues. Unfortunately, Nicole’s husband and three daughters find themselves caught in the crossfire.I don't know if it's necessary here, but how? Is she turning bitter, taking it out on the kids, shuddering away from her husband's touch? Is it destroying her family, or she just grieving?

Guided by something extraordinary, would it be more helpful to just say what has guided him? Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers his family around the Christmas tree. Determined to show his wife that God has a purpose in everything, Drew weaves an imaginary story of a young couple who promise each other children but find themselves struggling amidst God’s providence.Here, I wonder which story is dominant, even though I see your point in having both in the novel, I've read Nathan say over and over again that you don't have to put everything that is in the novel in the query. When it all comes down to it, who is the main character of your novel? Too many characters sort of cloud a query.

This is the allegory of that young couple.sort of awkward

Christian Bryson is no stranger to tragedy. His mother died shortly after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Do we need to know all of this about him at the query stage? Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides not to tell him.

Why?Maybe it's just me, but this is a pet peeve of mine. Let the reader ask why, you already know. Because Christian is deploying for war and Abigail believes he must remain focused on his duty.

Sadly, Christian receives a wound in battle right before Abigail gives birth - an injury that leaves him unable to father children. Lying in his hospital bed Christian wrestles with the thought of returning home to face Abigail, knowing that he could not give her the children she always wanted.

As Abigail fights for her husband, she decides not to tell Christian about her recent birth. She wants her husband to return home for their love, not for a sense of obligation.

Just when it appears their marriage is on the verge of collapse, God intervenes and sends a special visator to bring Christian home to his wife and unknown progeny. This really confuses me, because I cannot follow the logic here. Can you just tell us who or what the visitor is?
When Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is, until a special gift appears under the Christmas tree from one of the invented characters in his story, which completely changes everything for both Drew and Nicole.Is there something more specific you could tell us about the gift that would draw us in even more?

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction, set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota I don't think this is needed.. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you. Is this presumptious or confident? Honestly, I don't know.

Regards,

From what I've read, I think that your story is something that will bring comfort to alot of women out there suffering from the tragedy of miscarriage. Also, it holds inspiration to all of us who have questioned God and his providence... which is just about everyone who believes in God. I know both story lines are equally important to you, but it seems as though the one is only the first and last chapter. I just wonder if this query is an accurate portrayal of your novel as a whole.
Please take all my advice with a grain of salt. I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.
Again, can I reiterrate that I love your concept.
-vic

[Tycoon]

From what I've read, I think that your story is something that will bring comfort to alot of women out there suffering from the tragedy of miscarriage. Also, it holds inspiration to all of us who have questioned God and his providence... which is just about everyone who believes in God. I know both story lines are equally important to you, but it seems as though the one is only the first and last chapter. I just wonder if this query is an accurate portrayal of your novel as a whole.
Please take all my advice with a grain of salt. I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.
Again, can I reiterrate that I love your concept.
-vic[/quote]

Thank you for the comments--- ill try get it tighter and clearer...

Yes there are 2 story lines in play here -- one is the first and last chapter only (frame story or story within a story) the other is everything in the middle - an allegory so to speak. In trying to bring the query into its essence I just cant get myself to query only 1 of the storyline because they go hand in hand... to me it would be like serving a pb and jelly sandwich w/o any bread if that makes sense.

[Tycoon]

Here, I wonder which story is dominant, even though I see your point in having both in the novel, I've read Nathan say over and over again that you don't have to put everything that is in the novel in the query. When it all comes down to it, who is the main character of your novel? Too many characters sort of cloud a query.[/color]

The funny thing is the antagonist is easy to pick out in this story--- its the providence of God...

However the protagonist isn't just 1 person... after having 20 people read this including a professional editor I get 5 different answers... so yea.. no clear cut protagonist which I think may lead to some confusion.