QUERY: THE RISE OF TEDDY

[LPVENDRELL]

Teddy, an overweight fantasy aficionado, is obsessed with the concept of the hero. He knows that even if nothing about him is heroic he has the mettle to become one … someday. At present, he has more pressing issues, like his job at the local gym. Never has he felt so inadequate. Life is a constant reminder of how far he lies from ideal. Not that it spurs him take any action. That catalyst for change comes when his co-corker, Tia, – his destined princess, as he thinks of her – says, "you would look totally hot if you lost fifty-pounds," Teddy infers more than she means to imply and decides to do something he has never before attempted – lose weight.

If only he knew where to start.

After a mishap that involves dropping a couple hundred pounds on his head, he is approached by the gym's most persistent nutcase – a man in a bright green fanny pack named Stan – and offered help. Unsure, but fully aware that he has no other option, Teddy accepts.

It all seems so easy at first. However, the smooth path soon becomes a jagged and twisted maze with obstacles lurking around every bend. Tia's boyfriend returns to town and pops the bubble of Teddy's inflating self-esteem. Stan's daughter becomes a confusing confound in Teddy's hermetic life. Former nemeses become allies. Through it all, Teddy finds himself acting less and less like the hero he wants to become and more like the immodest kids he once despised. In the end, his actions may forfeit his chances for the one thing he wants: Tia.

THE RISE OF TEDDY, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 97,000 words.

I am a graduate of 2006 Stanford University and was once an overweight kid myself.

Sincerely,

LP Vendrell

[wilderness]

Hey there,

Queries are hard. I think you've got a good story in there, but it's not being presented as clearly as it could be. Also, check out Query Shark if you haven't already. Hope my comments help!

Teddy, an overweight fantasy aficionado, is obsessed with the concept of the hero. He knows that even if nothing about him is heroic he has the mettle to become one … someday. When I first read this, I thought that he was an aficionado of overweight fantasy. More than that though, I think you should separate those thoughts. First tell us why is obsessed with heroes. Then maybe get into his weight problem.

At present, he has more pressing issues, like his job at the local gym. Never has he felt so inadequate. Would he be able to get a job at a gym? And why would he pick the one job that would make him feel more insecure than anything?

Life is a constant reminder of how far he lies from ideal. Telling something that you should show us. Not that it spurs him take any action. Another sentence that isn't really saying anything. In a query you have so few words, so you need to get to the point faster. That catalyst for change comes when his co-corker, Tia, – his destined princess, as he thinks of her – says, "you would look totally hot if you lost fifty-pounds," Teddy infers more than she means to imply and decides to do something he has never before attempted – lose weight. This is a run on sentence with improperly placed commas and dashes. A query should be your most polished work. Break up the sentence and make sure it is grammatical. Also, this feels a little unbelievable to me, as written. Wouldn't he have previously realized that losing weight would make him more attractive to the opposite sex? How old is Teddy, anyhow?

If only he knew where to start.

After a mishap that involves dropping a couple hundred pounds on his head, he is approached by the gym's most persistent nutcase – a man in a bright green fanny pack named Stan – and offered help. Unsure, but fully aware that he has no other option, Teddy accepts. I'm not sure what he needs help with, or how this man can help. Physical training? Again, if he works at a gym, wouldn't he have a pretty good idea of how to get in shape? Be more clear.

It all seems so easy at first. However, the smooth path soon becomes a jagged and twisted maze with obstacles lurking around every bend. Tia's boyfriend returns to town and pops the bubble of Teddy's inflating self-esteem. Stan's daughter becomes a confusing confound in Teddy's hermetic life. Former nemeses become allies. Through it all, Teddy finds himself acting less and less like the hero he wants to become and more like the immodest kids he once despised. In the end, his actions may forfeit his chances for the one thing he wants: Tia. Ok, this is filled with generalities. You need to get more specific with what actually happens. Check out this great post by Nathan about specificity: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html Also, you dropped the whole hero thing. I want to know how his quest to lose weight is tied to his desire to be a hero.

THE RISE OF TEDDY, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 97,000 words.

I am a graduate of 2006 Stanford University and was once an overweight kid myself. Does that mean this is YA?

Sincerely,

LP Vendrell