Query - "Perfect Pitch" YA Urban Fantasy

[MZ Pike]

Hi guys,

I'm new here, but I'm already trying to be a productive and helpful member on these forums.

I'm decent at writing, and helping out on writing when it comes to stories, but when it comes to queries, I'm an incredible newbie. Any obvious "duh" spots that y'all could point out would be much appreciated. Or if it's just too long, that'd be good to know. I'm sort of suspecting that, even if it does fit on one page just fine right now.

Joe Mason is trapped. With a juvenile record, an absent family, and
even fewer friends, his life feels like it’s over – even though he’s
only eighteen. The only escape he can find is in his favorite series
of fantasy novels, and his daydreams. But when he wakes up inside of a
building engulfed in green flames with no memory of how he got there,
he is faced with a sudden reality right out of his dreams and
nightmares: the stories he grew up reading actually happened. Magic is
real, and it’s more trouble than even he could have imagined.

Even worse, his best and only friend is dating a high profile college
student who could quite possibly be the key behind the green fires
ravaging Atlanta – and she doesn’t even know it. Suddenly faced with
having to care about more than just himself for the first time in his
life, Joe is thrust into a series of events that force him to find the
truth and master it, or die.

With the law, rogue cadavers, and a very angry boyfriend all eager to
shorten his lifespan, the only help in sight can come from a
mysterious old man and sprightly woman that seem more interested in
keeping their secrets than aiding him. With everything against him,
all he can do is hope to survive another day, and do whatever it takes
to ensure his friend makes it with him. It’s time for Joe to hit the
books before the books hit back. But he just might have to be perfect
to do it… and perfect has never been a word that pops into anyone’s
head when they think of Joe Mason.

PERFECT PITCH is a 105,000 word YA urban fantasy novel that blends
multiple genres including fantasy, sci-fi, and contemporary. I hope
that the novel will appeal to readers who enjoy a story where the
paranormal co-exists with a semi-futuristic world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[wilderness]

Hey there,

Query Shark has a ton of examples of good and bad queries. Check it out if you haven't already.

Formatting note: You had a line break at the end of each line, which will end up looking weird in most people's email clients. So be careful to get those removed (and don't use Notepad to write your query).

Joe Mason is trapped. With a juvenile record, an absent family, and even fewer friends, his life feels like it’s over – even though he’s only eighteen. The only escape he can find is in his favorite series of fantasy novels, and his daydreams. But when he wakes up inside of a building engulfed in green flames with no memory of how he got there, he is faced with a sudden reality right out of his dreams and nightmares: the stories he grew up reading actually happened. Magic is real, and it’s more trouble than even he could have imagined. This is pretty intriguing, but I'm not sure why green flames means that every story he's ever read is true. Or do you mean that more figuratively, just that magic is real? Be clear.

Even worse, his best and only friend is dating a high profile college student who could quite possibly be the key behind the green fires ravaging Atlanta – and she doesn’t even know it. Suddenly faced with having to care about more than just himself for the first time in his life, Joe is thrust into a series of events that force him to find the truth and master it, or die. Blue part is vague.

With the law, rogue cadavers, and a very angry boyfriend all eager to shorten his lifespan, the only help in sight can come from a mysterious old man and sprightly woman that seem more interested in keeping their secrets than aiding him. With everything against him, all he can do is hope to survive another day, and do whatever it takes to ensure his friend makes it with him. It’s time for Joe to hit the books before the books hit back. But he just might have to be perfect to do it… and perfect has never been a word that pops into anyone’s head when they think of Joe Mason.

This whole last paragraph doesn't really tell me much of anything. At this point, I don't really get what the green flames mean, or what Joe is going to do about it. It sounds like a movie trailer, but queries are not like movie trailers; movie trailers tend to be full of cliches and trite or overblown statements. In a query, you really want to display your best writing and give a very specific sense of the plot that will differentiate it from other books. Nathan has a great post about specificity here: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html

Good luck!


PERFECT PITCH is a 105,000 word YA urban fantasy novel that blends multiple genres including fantasy, sci-fi, and contemporary. I hope that the novel will appeal to readers who enjoy a story where the paranormal co-exists with a semi-futuristic world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[dios4vida]

I don't have time to do a red-line edit right now, but I'll try to get to it soon. Here are a few quick tips to get started:

The ideal length of a query is around 250 words, which is usually two decent paragraphs of story and one of publication credits (skip the last if you don't have any), then the sign-off.

You might have a hard time selling a 105K YA novel. That's far longer than the average and even a bit over the "sweet spot". http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05 ... acula.html is a great reference for ideal word counts.

I second the suggestion of reading through Query Shark's archives. The man is a brutal machine when it comes to queries, but he knows what he's talking about. An hour of reading through his site will change how you read/write queries forever.

Hopefully I'll get time to go a red-line soon. Until then, good luck!

[Sleeping Beauty]

dios4vida - Janet Reid runs Query Shark, who is a she. She'd rip you apart for a mistake like that.

I'll echo everyone else here. It's just too vague. There are some cool lines here - "It’s time for Joe to hit the
books before the books hit back" - and I hope that's an example of the quality of your writing, but in the context of this query, no matter how much I like that line, I don't understand what it means.

[dios4vida]

dios4vida - Janet Reid runs Query Shark, who is a she. She'd rip you apart for a mistake like that.

Janet Reid does that?? I had no idea she was the Query Shark! I always got it through RSS feeds so it doesn't have much info other than the actual blog. MY BAD!! Color me embarrassed...

[MZ Pike]

Hey there,

Query Shark has a ton of examples of good and bad queries. Check it out if you haven't already.

Formatting note: You had a line break at the end of each line, which will end up looking weird in most people's email clients. So be careful to get those removed (and don't use Notepad to write your query).

Joe Mason is trapped. With a juvenile record, an absent family, and even fewer friends, his life feels like it’s over – even though he’s only eighteen. The only escape he can find is in his favorite series of fantasy novels, and his daydreams. But when he wakes up inside of a building engulfed in green flames with no memory of how he got there, he is faced with a sudden reality right out of his dreams and nightmares: the stories he grew up reading actually happened. Magic is real, and it’s more trouble than even he could have imagined. This is pretty intriguing, but I'm not sure why green flames means that every story he's ever read is true. Or do you mean that more figuratively, just that magic is real? Be clear.

Even worse, his best and only friend is dating a high profile college student who could quite possibly be the key behind the green fires ravaging Atlanta – and she doesn’t even know it. Suddenly faced with having to care about more than just himself for the first time in his life, Joe is thrust into a series of events that force him to find the truth and master it, or die. Blue part is vague.

With the law, rogue cadavers, and a very angry boyfriend all eager to shorten his lifespan, the only help in sight can come from a mysterious old man and sprightly woman that seem more interested in keeping their secrets than aiding him. With everything against him, all he can do is hope to survive another day, and do whatever it takes to ensure his friend makes it with him. It’s time for Joe to hit the books before the books hit back. But he just might have to be perfect to do it… and perfect has never been a word that pops into anyone’s head when they think of Joe Mason.

This whole last paragraph doesn't really tell me much of anything. At this point, I don't really get what the green flames mean, or what Joe is going to do about it. It sounds like a movie trailer, but queries are not like movie trailers; movie trailers tend to be full of cliches and trite or overblown statements. In a query, you really want to display your best writing and give a very specific sense of the plot that will differentiate it from other books. Nathan has a great post about specificity here: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html

Good luck!


PERFECT PITCH is a 105,000 word YA urban fantasy novel that blends multiple genres including fantasy, sci-fi, and contemporary. I hope that the novel will appeal to readers who enjoy a story where the paranormal co-exists with a semi-futuristic world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Cool, thanks for this. Good stuff here. Giving me some good ideas for re-tooling.

I don't have time to do a red-line edit right now, but I'll try to get to it soon. Here are a few quick tips to get started:

The ideal length of a query is around 250 words, which is usually two decent paragraphs of story and one of publication credits (skip the last if you don't have any), then the sign-off.

You might have a hard time selling a 105K YA novel. That's far longer than the average and even a bit over the "sweet spot". http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05 ... acula.html is a great reference for ideal word counts.

I second the suggestion of reading through Query Shark's archives. The man is a brutal machine when it comes to queries, but he knows what he's talking about. An hour of reading through his site will change how you read/write queries forever.

Hopefully I'll get time to go a red-line soon. Until then, good luck!

That's... pretty trippy to think about, that it might be too long. I've have some beta readers finish it in one sitting. But then, it's a crazy time for writers and publishers alike. I'll have to figure that one out.

dios4vida - Janet Reid runs Query Shark, who is a she. She'd rip you apart for a mistake like that.

I'll echo everyone else here. It's just too vague. There are some cool lines here - "It’s time for Joe to hit the
books before the books hit back" - and I hope that's an example of the quality of your writing, but in the context of this query, no matter how much I like that line, I don't understand what it means.

Yeah, my writing does stuff like that all the time. I'm just having a bit of fun (and by fun I mean torture like laying on sandpaper while sporting a mean sunburn) translating that to one tiny page. Probably just a confidence issue. I hope.

I'll hopefully have something new to post here sometime soon, but until then, thanks to all you for helping! I'll seek out your own threads and try to help (if I can, anyway) in return.

[Meghan]

Joe Mason is trapped. I like this opening line. I starts on an urgent tone. With a juvenile record, an absent family, and
even fewer friends, his life feels like it’s over – even though he’s
only eighteen. The only escape he can find is in his favorite series
of fantasy novels, and his daydreams. But when he wakes up inside of an unfamiliar
building engulfed in green flameswith no memory of how he got there,
he Joe is faced with a sudden reality right out of his dreams and
nightmares: the stories he grew up reading actually happened. I understand what you are trying to say in this sentence, but i think it needs some tightening. As is, I had to read it a second time Magic is
real, and it’s more trouble than even he could have imagined.

Even worse, his best and only friend is dating a high profile college
student who could quite possibly be the key behind the green fires
ravaging Atlanta – and she doesn’t even know it. Suddenly faced with
having to care about more than just himself for the first time in his
life, Joe is thrust into a series of events that force him to find the
truth and master it, or die. At this point, I'm not too interested in whether Joe dies or not

With the law, rogue cadavers, and a very angry boyfriend all eager to
shorten his lifespan, the only help in sight can come from a
mysterious old man and sprightly woman that seem more interested in
keeping their secrets than aiding him. With everything against him,
all he can do is hope to survive another day, and do whatever it takes
to ensure his friend makes it with him. It’s time for Joe to hit the
books before the books hit back. haha But he just might have to be perfect
to do it… and perfect has never been a word that pops into anyone’s
head when they think of associated with In the words of many agents, you don't want to use 5 words when it can be expressed in 1Joe Mason.

PERFECT PITCH is a 105,000 word YA urban fantasy novel that blends
multiple genres including fantasy, sci-fi, and contemporary. Try sticking to just one genre...even if it fits with multiple. Plus, Sci-Fi and fantasy are very different, so I would be interested to see how you have them co-exist I hope
that the novel will appeal to readers who enjoy a story where the
paranormal co-exists with a semi-futuristic world.

Thank you for your time and consideration

The story feels like it could be interesting, though I feel there has been a lot of information given in such a short space. Try to keep to the essentials. Otherwise, nice job.

[MZ Pike]

Wow, thanks for the continuing replies! You guys are immensely helpful and knowledgeable. It's kind of ironic that I'm having trouble being short and sweet, since my prose in the actual manuscript is very, very minimalist. A smarter man would tailor his query to reflect that

Query Shark has been very useful. Time to trim! DragonCon made writing tricky this weekend

[kimleonard]

A basic understanding of how musical notes work will help to determine whether you have perfect pitch. Western music consists of seven different whole tones. These tones or notes are assigned a letter of the alphabet as a name: A, B, C, D, E, F and G. There are also semitones between some of these notes. A C-scale, for example, contains the semitones C sharp, D sharp, F sharp, G sharp and A sharp.