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Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
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danielle100
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Post by danielle100 » August 21st, 2011, 11:05 pm

Sorry, I deleted this post. Apparently, I cannot do this once someone has replied so I had to edit and then erase the text. Thanks to all for the feedback. Still plugging away at it! :P
Last edited by danielle100 on September 15th, 2011, 11:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.

NickB
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by NickB » August 24th, 2011, 10:54 pm

Nice writing. Good flow and suspense. I'd keep reading.

danielle100
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by danielle100 » August 25th, 2011, 5:49 pm

Thanks, Nick! Unfortunately that's all I have. Thanks for the boost of confidence: )

Departuregirl
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by Departuregirl » August 29th, 2011, 12:34 pm

This sounds like fun. I wish you had posted more so it would be clearer as to who the characters are and what they're doing, because they're intriguing. Four superhero women definitely strikes me as a very fun, interesting plot with lots of potential.
Just don't let it get corny. The whole what's-happening-oh-it's-my-surprise-party device is used countless times on TV. There might be a possibility of the reader predicting that. But to make up for it you also have unpredictable, unexpected elements in the excerpt...like tucking a birthday card into a shoe, something mysterious about eyes which begin to burn, etc.
About grammar, I have one contention..'Ralph, a bachelor..' jars a little because when characters are introduced in that way you normally would expect something like 'Ralph, an architect' or 'Ralph, a gardener.' Loads of people are bachelors and spinsters, it's not a striking feature. Maybe you could try 'Ralph, my bachelor neighbor'? Just to aid the flow.
Great premise overall, and lots of potential. Thanks for writing!

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danielle100
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by danielle100 » August 29th, 2011, 9:42 pm

Thanks, Departuregirl! Awesome feedback. This story has been brewing in my mind, but very little of it has made it to paper. Thanks for the tip about Ralph. I will take a look at your excerpt! Thanks again! :D

MZ Pike
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by MZ Pike » August 29th, 2011, 10:47 pm

You had me at "Superhero" :D

But seriously. I wish I could offer more substantial thought on this, but you haven't given us quite enough to know the hook. Sure, it's implied that Miriam is either a superhero or will be a superhero as the story progresses, but since it's still too early, can't say much on that.

Either way, I really, really like the theme of a character dealing with aging and the flow of time, whether it be spitting in its face and escaping it with superpowers, or learning to deal with it. It's something most of us can easily relate to, and helps ground even the most silly and corny stories (not saying yours is, just making a point). And you're setting that up nicely so far with the opening and ending of this piece.

Also. You used "hollered". That verb needs more love, in my opinion. Good show!

danielle100
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Re: Superhero Housewives. First 350 words.

Post by danielle100 » August 31st, 2011, 9:43 pm

Thanks, MZ Pike, for the feedback! I have to say the superhero thing is a bit out of my comfort zone genre-wise (reading and writing). So when the story came to me I was a little surprised. Anyway, still plugging away. Hope to share more soon and thanks again for the feedback :D

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