*REVISED* Jade's Hurricane New Adult Fantasy

[clara_w]

Hi Guys,

Back from the query tranches, hopefully I"ll be more successful in the future.
As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated!

NEW VERSION:

The wind is stupid. Or at least, it’s having a laugh at thirteen year old Jade Kadeem.
If the wind obeyed Jade, like it does to every other wind-rider, she wouldn’t create titanic hurricanes that spin out of control.
Sure no other wind-rider can create hurricanes, but still, Jade should control her abilities, especially when her little creations might end up ripping everyone she loves from existence. Including herself.
If the wind obeyed Jade she could use her hurricanes to stop the upcoming war between element riders and normal humans. She would defeat the man wrapped in shadows, the master puppeteer behind not only the war, but her father’s brutal murder. The murder she witnessed; the theme of her every nightmare.
If the wind obeyed Jade, she’d finally become a master of the wind. Not the other way around.
As previously stated, the wind isn’t smart. But maybe, Jade Kadeem is.


OLD VERSION:
The wind is stupid. It just is.
If it obeyed fifteen year old Jade Kadeem, she wouldn’t create titanic hurricanes that spun out of control. She would control her wind-rider abilities and stop the upcoming war between element riders and normal humans.
She would defeat the Shadow Man, the master puppeteer behind not only the war, but her father’s murder. And she would finally become a master of the wind.
Yet, as previously stated, the wind isn’t smart. But Jade Kadeem is.

“JADE’S HURRICANE” is a high concept, fast paced New Adult novel set in contemporary times, and complete at 95,000 words.

I currently live in Switzerland; I was born and raised in Brazil and I'm married to a German, which are a few of the reasons I wrote this multicultural story.
My short story ‘The Missing Muse’ was published in the ‘Twisted Love’ anthology.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[MattLarkin]

My first post was lost, so I'll try to recreate it. I love the title, that resonates with me, and you've got me a bit curious about the project. Does "New Adult" mean "Young Adult?"

I don't love the "Shadow Man" title for a villain as it seems something from a younger age story. I get that the voice in the query is meant to be Jade's and reflect her voice in the story, so that's good. At first I wanted to say "the wind is stupid" because she can't control her power is the kind of self-centered attitude that would make me not like a character. But after some thought, that's probably just how a teenager would feel.

Good luck!

[tanyathib]

I really like the "concept" of this story idea.

The query does need some work though. Mainly in that the main ingredients are lacking or missing all together:

1) voice - you have to convey the voice of your main character - you've definitely got a good start on this
2) enticement - your words must cause the reaction of "I want, no, NEED to know more!" - and a good start on this too
3) An agent wants to know a) who is the main character, b) what does (s)he want, c) what is stopping him/her from getting it, d) what are the consequences/what's at stake - this is missing, and while very occassionally a query can ride on one and two alone, it's pretty rare and it's got to be pretty special, so you're probably better off make sure you have these points covered.
4) show don't tell everything you want to get across in your query - and here we have one of the hardest parts of a query, in yours you are "telling" us, you'll have a much bigger impact on us if you can "show" us instead.

While you've definitely achieved "concise" it really is a bit on the too short side. You've got room for at least another 100 word and still be in the acceptable range, I'd use it.

Plus a couple of housekeeping items, it's easier to read if you don't post the body of your query in italics, some computer screens make a lot of italics a bit unfriendly.

You don't need " " around the title of your book, just keep it all in caps.

Most agents will tell you that at this stage of the game they really don't care what your reasons were for writing it.

Just finish it with Thank you for your time and consideration. - they know you're looking forward to hearing from them and if you catch one on a bad day they will likely just get snarky about it.

Hope this helps and good luck!

ps: Matt, New Adult is more or less geared towards college age, around 18 to 25.

[TomLysander]

The wind is stupid. It just is.Not a bad opener, but in some sense, it doesn't get at the neater aspect of your story: Jade lives in a world where people ride the elements. Some possibilities for a first line opener: "The wind is stupid. It never does what she wants." could surprise us in the first line. Or you can combine first lines and second lines to make one coherent idea.
If it obeyed fifteen year old Jade Kadeem, she wouldn’t create titanic hurricanes that spun out of control. She would control her wind-rider abilities and stop the upcoming war between element riders and normal humans.
She would defeat the Shadow Man, the master puppeteer behind not only the war, but her father’s murder. And she would finally become a master of the wind.Tricky: if the wind would obey her, she'd master it? Too easy. I'd delete this line or put it forward -- Jade wants to master wind so that she can end a war and avenge her father's death -- after that, who cares?
Yet, as previously stated, the wind isn’t smart. But Jade Kadeem is.Careful about this last line: YET X, BUT Y. It's two qualifiers in a row. I like the idea of "the wind is stupid, but Jade is smart," but you haven't given us any reason to think she's smart. So that feels missing in this draft.

“JADE’S HURRICANE” is a high concept, fast paced New Adult novel (is it New Adult? it has a 15-year-old protagonist -- YA might be a better fit)set in contemporary times, and complete at 95,000 words.

I currently live in Switzerland; I was born and raised in Brazil and I'm married to a German, which are a few of the reasons I wrote this multicultural story. Right now, we have no reason to see this story as multicultural? except possibly for Jade Kadeem's name. I'd nix this line.
My short story ‘The Missing Muse’ was published in the ‘Twisted Love’ anthology.a nice credit. Congrats!

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I made a lot of critiques -- feel free to ignore any that you feel don't gel with what you're trying to do. Overall, you've written a nice and concise query, but it feels spare to me. You could extend it somewhat and benefit from more details. Specifically the world that Jade lives in -- you've done a nice job setting up what Jade wants. Cheers, Tom

[clara_w]

Hey guys, brilliant critiques!
Is this any better?

[tanyathib]

I really like the element theme, but I have a soft spot as my MC also possesses a wind element control skill of sorts. Just kicking around some ideas here - take and leave as you see fit of course.

The wind is stupid. Or at least, it’s having a laugh at thirteen year old Jade Kadeem.
I agree with Tom's observation, the age of your MC may create a better fit with YA than NA - readers tend to read 'above' their age rather than below (ie: 10-13 year olds will read books with 15-17 year old MCs) and now you've taken Jade's age down to 13. Just a thought.

If the wind obeyed Jade, like it does to every other wind-rider, she wouldn’t create titanic hurricanes that spin out of control.
This is just a technicality, but I question if 'wind-rider' should be hyphenated. I googled it and couldn't find much, but it seems to most commonly be used as one word or two, not hyphenated. Maybe some other posters have some thoughts on it? Maybe it doesn't matter, but I personally find the hyphen distracting.

Sure no other wind-rider can create hurricanes, but still, Jade should be able to control her abilities, especially when her little creations might end up ripping everyone she loves from existence. Including herself.
I'd consider splitting this first line into two sentences, it's long. Perhaps: Sure no other wind-rider can create hurricanes, but still, Jade should be able to control her abilities. Especially when her little creations might end up ripping everyone she loves from existence.

If the wind obeyed Jade she could use her hurricanes to stop the upcoming war between element riders and normal humans. She would defeat the man wrapped in shadows, the master puppeteer behind not only the war, but her father’s brutal murder. The murder she witnessed; the theme of her every nightmare.
I'm not sure, but I don't think you need both 'the man wrapped in shadows' and 'the master puppeteer'. Anyone else have a thought?

If the wind obeyed Jade, she’d finally become a master of the wind. Not the other way around.
As previously stated, the wind isn’t smart. But maybe, Jade Kadeem is.
It may just be me, but I'm not really fond of 'as previously stated', it seems out of place somehow. Perhaps: No, the wind definitely isn't smart. But maybe, Jade Kadeem is.

I think this is great - just my opinion. I'm really impressed at how you've managed to get so much into so little. I know I previously said that you've got room for more words, but on reflection, if you really don't need them - you don't need them. The only things I found myself asking was 'Why is the wind stupid?' and 'Why won't it obey Jade?' What I'm not sure about is whether or not that's ok. The "experts" tend to say that the query should tell us what she wants, what's holding her back and what the consequences are.

So far as I can tell, Jade wants to defeat the master puppeteer; she can't because she can't control her abilities; the consequence is a war that can't be stopped not to mention the destruction caused by her own lack of control of her ability. If I've come to the conclusions (as a reader) that you want me to, perhaps you've nailed it? The "why" may very well be the enticing factor needed to cause me to want to more - and I definitely want to know more.

It's funny, when I compare the two versions, you have basically given the same information, but the first version didn't speak to me the way the second one does. I see now that essentially all the components were actually present in the first version but they didn't come through for me the way they have in the second version.

Either way, well done. Personally, I really like it. Care to read my novel and write my query for me? lol

I really hope you have success with this, it seems like a neat concept.