Kill My Query Mk-IV

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Kirril
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Kill My Query Mk-IV

Post by Kirril » January 26th, 2010, 5:28 pm

SCROLL DOWN FOR UPDATED QUERY

I've taken a break from this query for a while. It's been through the wringer already, but I want to give it another thrashing before loosing it into the wild.

Thanks!
Last edited by Kirril on February 26th, 2010, 2:37 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by Yoshima » January 26th, 2010, 6:30 pm

Hello, Kirril! I'll be happy to bring death and destruction to your query (with only the best of intentions :) ).
Kirril wrote:I've taken a break from this query for a while. It's been through the wringer already, but I want to give it another thrashing before loosing it into the wild.

Thanks!

After an intruder murders his family, Lucas Fowler becomes obsessed with death. Germs, slippery steps, strangers, there are a million ways to die and he's determined to avoid them all. Even if it means hiding from the world. (This is great. Love the setup.)

When the image of a stranger arrives on his cell phone, Lucas thinks it's harmless, misdirected. But that night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality (huh? I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you don't have enough space to explain it properly then I wouldn't mention it. From a reader's standpoint, the other details can stand without it.), Lucas transforms into the thing he fears most--a killer. He tracks down and stabs to death the man in the picture. (Whoa! Why?! This is abrupt. Is he conscious of it? I'm getting the feeling that he isn't. If he isn't, I think it would help if you said that the man in the picture is found stabbed to death the next morning or something. That way we can connect the dots without be told so bluntly; it was jarring as a reader.)

Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop the killings. (If he's conscious of the killings, then put "stop killing people" to show he knows he's responsible for them; "the killings" makes it seem passive.) Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. (like what? give a short example.) But to discover it all--the secret society of Scions (wait...who are these guys? Explain a little.), the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead (so there's zombies, now?) he's creating with each murder, and the remedy to his own cowardice--he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.
The last two paragraphs felt rushed to me. I feel like I should know more about the Scions and the zombies--those two parts sound totally cool and crucial to the story but this doesn't represent them as well as it could. I'm guessing that's because he doesn't find out about them until much later in the novel, but for querying purposes I think you should elaborate a bit. They sound unique and will help set your story apart. Also, how old is Lucas? I think that's something to include. Other than that, I think it sounds like a great suspense novel and your hook hooked me pretty darn good! Hope this helps! :)

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by JustineDell » January 27th, 2010, 9:18 am

Here's my crack at it!
Kirril wrote:

After an intruder murders his family, Lucas Fowler becomes obsessed with death. You might want to put that he was "obessed with avoiding death" The first sentence makes him sound like some goth teenager who wants to know anything and everything about the afterlife. There are a million ways to die and he's determined to avoid them all. Even if it means hiding from the world.

When the image of a stranger arrives on his cell phone, Lucas thinks it's harmless, misdirected. But that night he changes. Suddenly fearless, he is able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas transforms into the thing he fears most--a killer. He tracks down and stabs to death the man in the picture. I don't like Lucas right now because he seems to have killed a seemingly innocent man. I'm interested to know why, but still confused.

Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop the killings and in order to discover the truth, he'll have to keep killing. The secret society of Scions with a rogue Scion controlling Lucas, each murder creates a super-powered undead and helps remedy his own real-life cowardice. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own to destroy....add you own thing here. I changed this last paragraph quite a bit because it seemed like a run-one sentence and I had to read it several times to understand what you were trying to say. Also, you might want to add a small blurp about why the "super-powererd undead" is so important to the Scions.
One thing I really liked about your query was that it had a lot of information in just a few paragraphs. The writing was tight and right down to the point, but you may actually benefit from adding a bit more info. I was confused and weirded out and intriqued all at the same time - - that's pretty difficult to do! (And I am saying that as good thing....you really had me hooked from the first paragraph alone). And by the second one I was like WHOA! that's some serious conflict!

Just some minor tweeks and I think you'll be good to go.

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by Ghost in the Machine » January 27th, 2010, 2:02 pm

Hi Kirril,

I’ll throw in my two cents.

After an intruder murders his family, Lucas Fowler becomes obsessed (How about "terrified of death" or "develops a psychotic phobia of death.") with death. Germs, slippery steps, strangers, there are a million ways to die and he's determined to avoid them all. Even if it means hiding from the world.

Yoshima has good point on Lucas’s age. Losing your parents vs. losing your wife and children are both horrible, but each has a different impact and would strike your audience in different ways.

When the image of a stranger arrives on his cell phone, Lucas thinks it's harmless, misdirected. But that night he changes--the fear is gone. Suddenly he can outrun cars and punch holes in concrete. But this unexpected strength comes with a horrifying caveat. Lucas becomes what he fears most--a killer. He (“is unable to control his body” or “watches helplessly as his body”) tracks down and fatally stabs the man in the picture.

Justine raises a good point here when she says she doesn’t like Lucas. He is supposed to be our hero, but he’s a serial killer. Can you give us some sense of how this works? Is he conscious and watching his body kill people? Does he want to murder and later feels regret? Or does this happen in his sleep? We need to sympathize with his plight.

Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop the killings. Each time (With each new murder) he learns a little more about what's happening to him. Lucas is not to blame for the killings. A rogue member of a secret society called the Scions is using Lucas to create a legion of super-powered undead.

The rogue Scion made a serious mistake choosing Lucas. Lucas’s paralyzing fear of death becomes his greatest weapon. The Society of Scions is going down, even if it means Lucas must continue his murder spree.


Okay, I’m taking serious liberties here considering I haven’t read the book. Please, please tell me Lucas kicks some Scion butt and saves us from the undead. I like the idea that Lucas’s achilles heel ends up being his saving grace. If that’s not part of your story, maybe you could work it in.

Final thought: Another critique asked for more info on the Scions and undead. You might not need it in the query. The length is reasonable, especially if you put in reasons for picking the agent, word count, etc. in other paragraphs. You want the agent to be curious about the Scions, hopefully they’ll request a partial!

Ghost in the Machine

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by Kirril » January 27th, 2010, 4:21 pm

Thanks for the suggestions! You all have definitely brought out some details that escaped my eye. I've written several versions of this query, so I'm curious to get your reactions from one of my other blurbs. If you think it works better, let me know.

Since the murder of his parents a year ago, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue wants him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plow forward into a secret world he never knew existed.

When the image of a stranger arrives on Lucas's phone, he disregards it. But that night he awakens stronger, faster, and totally fixated on the man in the picture. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secretive group of super humans with their own society and rules. A rogue among them is hell-bent on discovering the afterlife and Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

With his life and afterlife on the line, Lucas has to learn to control his new abilities and eliminate the rogue if he wants to survive.
Here's another blurb bit I was working on. How does this one grab you?
Incredible strength, super speed, and the ability to shift between dimensions sounds great on paper, but not when a mind-controlling rogue is pulling the strings. The Scions, a secretive group of super humans have their own society and rules, but a rogue among them is hell-bent on discovering the alternate dimension where the afterlife resides. And Lucas Fowler is caught in the middle.
Does Lucas seem more likeable in either of these blurbs?
To answer some other questions and give you more information than you really want to know, Lucas is not controlling his body during the murders. A rogue Scion is doing it. The Scions themselves aren't the bad guys, there are good and bad among them.

The alternate dimension bit, I guess, is a bit sudden. There's a dimension called the Blight which looks just like the normal world, except everything is decayed. Non-Scions (or regular humans which the Scions term "chum") look like slimy horrific creatures while Scions appear normal in it. Certain Scions can enter the Blight and take others with them and use it to teleport short distances.

The rogue Scion is certain other quantum dimensions exist, and that one of them is the afterlife. But when he has Lucas murder Scions and drain their essence, another essence from the afterlife fills the vacuum and revives the body. The problem is the "souls" from the afterlife are insane and now possess a super-powered Scion body. So technically I'm not talking zombies here, not in the usual sense. I don't want the query to impart that this is Night of the Living Dead or anything like that. So maybe I should leave that bit out?

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by tameson » January 27th, 2010, 5:13 pm

I liked the first blurb in your last post (Since the murder of his parents a year ago, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life). I thought it made him more likable, less serial killer. But that' just my opinion- I haven't really started working on queries or reading up on how to do them. But that one seemed simpler to follow to me.

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Re: Kill my Query

Post by JustineDell » January 27th, 2010, 7:56 pm

Kirril wrote:

Since the murder of his parents a year ago, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue wants him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plow forward into a secret world he never knew existed. Super fanstatic hook!!!!!

When the image of a stranger arrives on Lucas's phone, he disregards it. But that night he awakens stronger, faster, and totally fixated on the man in the picture. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secretive group of super humans with their own society and rules. A rogue among them is hell-bent on discovering the afterlife and Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

With his life and afterlife on the line, Lucas has to learn to control his new abilities and eliminate the rogue if he wants to survive.

Whoa...this makes a HUGE difference to me regarding how I feel about Lucas. I think this is just about perfect. You could add the little blurp about the Scions (not sure if I spelled that right), but this really draws me in. I like it because Lucas is less serial killer, like you metioned, and more human. He also sounds less like superman (which is kind of that way you made in sound in the first query) and more like someone who is being held against his will with great powers to destroy. I LOVE IT!!!

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by Ghost in the Machine » January 28th, 2010, 10:19 am

Hi Kirril,

I like the first blurb; it is much stronger than the first one you posted. Of course, I have a few suggestions.

Since the murder of his parents a year ago – cut, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue wants (forces) him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plow forward (plunge) into a secret world he never knew existed.

The end of Lucas’s world comes not with a bang, but a picture of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man’s image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with their own rules. A rogue among them is hell-bent on discovering the afterlife and Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

“hell-bent on discovering the afterlife” is troubling me here. Would “controlling the afterlife” or “gaining power from the afterlife” be accurate? What exactly does the rogue want? I read the extra info. below, but that just confused the heck out of me. I would probably change the last sentence to “A rogue from the society is using Lucas as his personal hit-man for his own dark agenda.” Okay that’s too general. Arghh – I’ll let you fix this one.

With his life and afterlife on the line, Lucas must control his new abilities and eliminate the rogue if he wants to survive.


To answer some other questions and give you more information than you really want to know, Lucas is not controlling his body during the murders. A rogue Scion is doing it. The Scions themselves aren't the bad guys, there are good and bad among them.

The alternate dimension bit, I guess, is a bit sudden. There's a dimension called the Blight which looks just like the normal world, except everything is decayed. Non-Scions (or regular humans which the Scions term "chum") look like slimy horrific creatures while Scions appear normal in it. Certain Scions can enter the Blight and take others with them and use it to teleport short distances.

The rogue Scion is certain other quantum dimensions exist, and that one of them is the afterlife. But when he has Lucas murder Scions and drain their essence, another essence from the afterlife fills the vacuum and revives the body. The problem is the "souls" from the afterlife are insane and now possess a super-powered Scion body. So technically I'm not talking zombies here, not in the usual sense. I don't want the query to impart that this is Night of the Living Dead or anything like that. So maybe I should leave that bit out?

Yes, leave this out-my mind is boggled, but not in a happy way. Go with Blurb No. 1 and prosper!

Peace, out – Ghost in the Machine

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by Yoshima » February 1st, 2010, 12:02 am

Me again. :) I think both blurbs have strong points. I think combining them might work well. More specific suggetions below.


Since the murder of his parents a year ago, twenty-six-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue wants him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plow forward into a secret world he never knew existed. (Me likey.)

When the image of a stranger arrives on Lucas's phone, he disregards it. But that night he awakens stronger, faster, and totally fixated on the man in the picture. Against his will, (not really feelin' "against his will." I think it makes the sentence weaker. Rephrase?) he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes,(period) another murder. (Here's where I think it would be good to link them up. I rewrote it a little just to make it fit here for demonstrative purposes.) With each murder, however, Lucas learns more about his incredible strength, his newfound ability to shift between dimensions, and the Scion rogue pulling the strings. The Scions, a secretive group of super humans have their own society and rules, but the rogue is hell-bent on discovering the alternate dimension where the afterlife resides. And Lucas Fowler is caught in the middle.

With his life and afterlife on the line, Lucas has to learn to control his new abilities and eliminate the rogue if he wants to survive.

I hope this didn't end up super confusing. The idea I was trying to show was that I think the action of your second blurb is just what the character-centric first blurb needs to jazz it up. I love the idea of the new take on zombies (sort of zombies, anyway) and would love to see it included, but I completely understand if the query just gets too long with it. As long as your main conflicts are present, I think you're good to go. :)

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by Kirril » February 2nd, 2010, 4:53 pm

Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which the MC has to do X to defeat <insert antagonist name here>. Suggestions?

I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE.

Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed.

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

Evading the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent.

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr.

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by Tycoon » February 2nd, 2010, 5:12 pm

Kirril wrote:Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which the MC has to do X to defeat <insert antagonist name here>. Suggestions?

I am seeking representation for <---- this is common knowledge. My urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE, is complete and available at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. <---- Also move this to the bottom so that the paragraph below is the start of your query.

Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, maybe end the sentence here with a period and then start the next like... Therefore, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed.

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated hell-bent on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

Evading This one is just a personal preference ---> Eluding the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent.

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr.

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by christi » February 2nd, 2010, 5:13 pm

Kirril wrote:Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which the MC has to do X to defeat <insert antagonist name here>. Suggestions?

I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE.
(maybe start with the action)Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed.

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. (Maybe: Lucas' world begins to crumble when an image of a stranger mysteriously appears on his phone) That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man.

Evading the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent.

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own.

NO DARKER FATE is an urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr.

LOL. You had me for a second with the cigarette lighter repairman thing. I was all 'huh?' then realized I need more caffeine.

I like the sound of it, although, just a small note, watching Janet Reid chum people on Query Shark (including me) she would advise against including 'I am seeking representation' because that's a given since you're emailing an agent. Just a thought I'd share.
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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by TheShadow » February 2nd, 2010, 6:31 pm

Kirril wrote:Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which the MC has to do X to defeat <insert antagonist name here>. Suggestions?

Iam seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE. Definatly no need to say this, and I would also suggest moving the rest to the end of the query.

Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. I like this and from what I read in your other versions its much more concise.But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed.This seems to run on a bit. Maybe have a period after bars?

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man. Interesting, and it makes me wonder if he it completely aware while he kills.

Evading the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent.Conflict and the stakes are all present.

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr.
Not much else for me to add beyond what others have said. Seems you are very close.
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Re: Kill My Query Mk-III

Post by Yoshima » February 3rd, 2010, 12:15 am

Alrighty, here's the latest version. Thanks so much to everyone who's commented. I more or less kept the initial blurb intact with a few minor tweaks. The 2nd paragraph I borrowed heavily from Ghost ITM, aka GIT'M and Yoshima. I'm still rather displeased with my third 'graf, i.e. the one in which the MC has to do X to defeat <insert antagonist name here>. Suggestions? I'd be delighted. :)

I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE.

Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed. (This, sir, is what we like to call a HOOK. :) )

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man. (I liked "Lucas is caught in the middle" better myself. I think it shows more conflict. That's just me, though, so do whatever you feel works best.)

Evading the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent. (Agree that this isn't as good as it could be. Hmm. I think what's tripping it up is that I don't feel like the persecutors are the main foes he has to overcome. What would leave me clamouring for more would be an ending that really built up the tension between Lucas and the rogue. I'm more interested in that conflict than the other. Maybe focus on that instead?)

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own. (HA!! You forgot about Bingo, though, lol.)

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr. Who's getting better with each revision!

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Re: Kill my Query Mk-2

Post by JustineDell » February 3rd, 2010, 7:56 am

Kirril wrote:
I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel of approximately 95,000 words, NO DARKER FATE. Leave out "seeking representation part, and put word count and name at the end out query. Start out with bang! Like you next paragraph...

Since the brutal murder of his parents, twenty-five-year-old Lucas Fowler has been avoiding death more than living life. But when a mind-controlling rogue forces him to kill people, an underground society wants him dead, and the police want him behind bars, Lucas has no choice but to plunge into a secret world he never knew existed. This is waaaay better.

The end of Lucas's world begins with the image of a stranger on his phone. That night he awakens stronger, faster, and completely fixated on the man's image. Against his will, he hunts down the man and kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. With each murder Lucas learns a little more about what's happening to him and about a secret society with its own rules. A rogue among them has discovered the afterlife and is hell-bent on controlling it. Lucas is his unwilling hit man. Again, I like this (and Lucas) much more.

Evading the police and surviving the onslaught of super humans should be possible with his newfound powers. But Lucas has precious little time to learn how to use them if he wants to eliminate the rogue controlling him and convince his persecutors that he's innocent. My only questions is where did the the "onslaught of super humans" come from. They seemed to have just dropped out of nowhere. I'm guessing your referring to the "secret society" mentioned in the paragraph above, right? Is there a way to correlate these two?

As a world-famous cigarette lighter repairman, I've been published in many well-known journals such as, My Cigarette Lighter, It's Broken and This Thing Don't Work. I've also gained notoriety for taking other people's coined phrases and making them my own.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Bob Baxter Corinthian III Esq. Jr.
I'm officially jealous of how well you and several others have cleaned up your queries to make them tight, full of pertinent information and leaving the reader wanting more. Nice Job!!

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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