Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

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slavandria
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Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by slavandria » April 7th, 2011, 7:14 am

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by Collectonian » April 7th, 2011, 9:05 am

Hi :-) I think your query projects the voice of your story well, and it has some nice flow in terms of pacing, but leaves out some details needed to answer the basic questions: who is the main character, what challenge does that character face and why must it be that character, and why should we care? Most of the issues I see are more structural, grammatical (too many sentences starting with But, However, etc). More specific few comments below.

If you haven't had a chance to yet, I highly recommend reading through the queries at Query Shark. It can take awhile to go through all of them, but even just reading over the "winners" can provide a lot of valuable insight into this whole crazy process :-)
slavandria wrote:Hi guys:
Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fifteen-year old boy residing a rift away in Havendale, Tennessee. - on the whole, "taglines" generally don't add much to the query and only take up words better spent elsewhere.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: Sstate track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune.Sounds like he has a perfect life until now? But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation from what? to his list of achievements.I'm not sure on the wording here - it implies that he's already done this task rather than is about to be called upon to try to do it. I'd suggest merging this with the next sentece, something like "Until one morning/night/whatever when a guy calling himself a rift traveler transports David, along with his best friend Charlotte, to Fallhallow, a parallel world needing a hero... However, when a rift traveler arrives and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truthsthis has become something of a cliched' phrase - also I think this statement of their being transported needs to be followed up with answers to two important questions: why David? And why would he agree to help instead of just saying "send me home now.": his Their presence has awakened a vengeful dragon,vengeful against David? why? an elusive adversary wants to kill him,why? who? and his deceased parents aren’t dead.it isn't mentioned before that he is an orphan, or supposed orphan? Why are they presumably here? As war looms over the realm,War between? David must do the mages bidding,what mages? even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world . . . and many others.

As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons: (i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side.This doesn't add much.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Word Count?? Young Adult contemporary fantasy of youngunspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor.A bit of an adjective overload...I'd stop the sentence at Young Adult contemporary fantasy.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group, and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends. Most of this is personal information irrelevant to the query. Unless Glimpses is a well sold/well known anthology, it doesn't need to be mentioned. If you want to note series potential, do so at the end of the previous paragraph, but keep it simple: "It has series potential but can stand alone" - but don't mention working on it, as most agents and editors advise not starting book 2 until 1 is sold.

Thank you for your time and consideration taking the time to review my project.they haven't reviewed the project yet :-) An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.

Sincerely,
I hope this helps!

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by slavandria » April 7th, 2011, 10:51 am

Thank you, Collectonian. I'll pop over to query shark and review them again.

Darn. I thought I had it. :)

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by Bron » April 7th, 2011, 5:38 pm

I thought this was pretty good.
slavandria wrote:Hi guys:

I would love some feedback on this query for my YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you so much.

Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fifteen-year old boy residing a rift away in Havendale, Tennessee. I do agree about cutting this. Start with David.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, anheir to a multi-million dollar fortune. But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. However, when a rift traveler arrives and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths: his presence has awakened a vengeful dragon, an elusive adversary wants to kill him, and his deceased parents aren’t dead. As war looms over the realm, David must do the mage's bidding,what does the mage want him to do? even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world . . . and many others.

As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons: (i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed-up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side. I was going to say to cut this, as it's not part of the pitch. But on second thoughts it does show off your voice well[./color]

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Young Adult contemporary fantasyof young unspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor. The general wisdom is that people buy novels to be entertained, not for honesty, courage, etc.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group,and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends.This isn't a writing credit, and I'm not sure what a band mom is. I'm not from the States so maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't think it adds anything to your query. I'm not sure whether to cut the bit about managing the local writers group either, but see what other people say.

Thank you for taking the time to review my project. An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.

Sincerely,

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by AllieS » April 7th, 2011, 6:49 pm

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fifteen-year old boy residing a rift away in Havendale, Tennessee. I agree that you should cut this. The next paragraph starts strongly.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. Good catchy beginning. But never did he dream Awkward phrasing. Just say, "He never dreamed..." he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. However, when a rift traveler arrives and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow You're pulling out unfamiliar words in here, words that are obviously essential to your story, but we don't know what they mean. You can probably get away with the "rift traveler" things, but I'd explain what kind of parallel world Fallhollow is., David discovers far more unsettling truths: his presence has awakened a vengeful dragon Wait, then why did the rift traveler bring him there in the first place, if it was just going to wreak havoc? Also, I was really interested by the fact that David is an heir to a fortune, but you don't mention anything about how that happened anywhere else in the query. , an elusive adversary A bit vague, but I'm still interested. wants to kill him, and his deceased parents aren’t dead. As war looms over the realm, David must do the mages Two things: if it's the mage's bidding, then there needs to be the apostrophe. Also, what is a mage, and what can it do power wise? Why must David do it's bidding? bidding, even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world . . . and many others.

As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons: (i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side.
I think you should scrap all of this, and end with the words, "David's world." I thought it was a really good ending to a query, and then you continued on.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Young Adult contemporary fantasy of young unspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor. Wow, yeah, cut all that. Just YA fantasy will do the trick. Don't tell them what your story's about, you'll show them if they request pages.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. It's good that you said it can be stand-alone, but to cut words you could simply say, "In The Shadow of the Dragon King works as a stand alone, but has strong series potential." In addition, I also manage a local writers group, and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends. Cut.

Otherwise, I was impressed by this query. It sounds good!

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by slavandria » April 7th, 2011, 9:24 pm

Thank you, Allie, for your comments.

Okay, I see what needs to be taken out (that is very consistent) but I feel I need to add something, I just don't know where. Maybe you can help me.

David's dad died in a plane crash 3 months before David was born. His mom died within hours after giving birth to him. His perfect world starts to go haywire when he finds and reads a letter written by his mom to his godmother. In the letter his mom says that she and his father are coming home and David's life is in danger. This is the first pivotal change in the story and it's important, but I don't know where to put it or how to word it. He confronts his godmother demanding to know the truth, but she is very evasive and doesn't answer. This makes David suspicious and leaves him feeling betrayed and angry. somehow, I think I need to work that in.

David is also secretly in love with Charlotte. I don't know if I need to add that to the query. If so, where and how?

Mages are sears, enchanters. they are higher up than sorcerers and wizards.

You asked why David was taken to Fallhollow if they knew he was going to wreak havoc. No one knew that was going to happen. It's a subplot to the book. The other subplot to the book is the elusive adversary. He HAS been wreaking havoc on the realm for a specific purpose. As these are subplots, I left the details out. However, both the dragon and the adversary want David dead because David has it within him to make sure these two enemies of the realm die. (also not necessary for the query). If he doesn't stop them from destroying the realm, then Fallhollow will fall, thus opening the rift and allowing the dragon through to David's world. So, not only does David have to protect Charlotte, he also has to make sure his world remains safe, while fulfilling the mages' bidding. And he doesn't take on the quest until he receives assurances that after all is said and done, the mages help find his parents and then send everyone home. These are all subplots; that is why they aren't in the query; however, if anyone thinks any of these points are necessary to place in the query, then I would love your advice on the best way to do it as I'm at a complete loss. :-)

Many many thanks to all who have offered your thoughts. You have no idea how much this means to me. :) You guys rock.

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by Bron » April 8th, 2011, 5:24 am

slavandria wrote:Thank you, Allie, for your comments.

Okay, I see what needs to be taken out (that is very consistent) but I feel I need to add something, I just don't know where. Maybe you can help me.

David's dad died in a plane crash 3 months before David was born. His mom died within hours after giving birth to him. His perfect world starts to go haywire when he finds and reads a letter written by his mom to his godmother. In the letter his mom says that she and his father are coming home and David's life is in danger. This is the first pivotal change in the story and it's important, but I don't know where to put it or how to word it. He confronts his godmother demanding to know the truth, but she is very evasive and doesn't answer. This makes David suspicious and leaves him feeling betrayed and angry. somehow, I think I need to work that in. I don't think you do. The part about his parents is all backstory, and while finding the letter sounds like the inciting incident of your story, I think going to the parallel world is a more compelling way to start your query.

David is also secretly in love with Charlotte. I don't know if I need to add that to the query. If so, where and how? I think when you whisk a boy and girl to a parallel world in YA, we can all assume at least one of them is going to have a thing for the other. I assumed that was the case as soon as I read the sentence about his best friend going with him and the best friend turned out to be female. I don't think you need to mention it.

Mages are sears, enchanters. they are higher up than sorcerers and wizards.

You asked why David was taken to Fallhollow if they knew he was going to wreak havoc. No one knew that was going to happen. It's a subplot to the book. The other subplot to the book is the elusive adversary. He HAS been wreaking havoc on the realm for a specific purpose. As these are subplots, I left the details out. However, both the dragon and the adversary want David dead because David has it within him to make sure these two enemies of the realm die. (also not necessary for the query). If he doesn't stop them from destroying the realm, then Fallhollow will fall, thus opening the rift and allowing the dragon through to David's world. So, not only does David have to protect Charlotte, he also has to make sure his world remains safe, while fulfilling the mages' bidding. And he doesn't take on the quest until he receives assurances that after all is said and done, the mages help find his parents and then send everyone home. These are all subplots; that is why they aren't in the query; however, if anyone thinks any of these points are necessary to place in the query, then I would love your advice on the best way to do it as I'm at a complete loss. :-) I'd still like to know more about what the mages want him to do, and why he must do their bidding. I think your first query was pretty solid so don't rip it apart.

Many many thanks to all who have offered your thoughts. You have no idea how much this means to me. :) You guys rock.
Why thank you!

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by slavandria » April 8th, 2011, 4:39 pm

Bron, thank you so much!!! I'll leave it alone. (well, I'll try to see if I can sneak in there why David has to do the mages' bidding and what he needs to do)

You rock!

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by AllieS » April 8th, 2011, 7:02 pm

I agree with Bron that adding in why David has to do the mage's bidding would be interesting. Otherwise, although it is backstory, I would add something quick at the beginning about how both of David's parents died before he was even a day old, just so no one reads through the query expecting to hear more about that since it's mentioned up-front. But that would mean you'd have to re-do that first line, and I like it too much to want to break it apart. So the choice is up to you. You could say something like, "Before David was a day old, he was orphaned--and also the heir to a multi-million dollar fortune," and then go on to say all that good stuff at the beginning of your previous query.

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by slavandria » April 9th, 2011, 10:24 am

ok, I think this might be it:

Dear Agent Name:

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. He never dreamed he’d soon add protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. When a traveler snatches David and his best friend, Charlotte, and ferries them to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths: his arrival has awakened a vengeful dragon, a magic man is out to kill him, and his entire fifteen years of life has been nothing but a giant lie.

As Fallhollow sits on the brink of war, David must unite with an unknown second champion of the realm, and find and return what was stolen from a great kingdom, even if it means sacrificing Charlotte’s life, or risk opening the gate between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, setting the dragon free to release his fiery rage upon David’s world.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a 99,000 word Young Adult contemporary fantasy written in a similar flair as McCaffrey’s Harper Hall Trilogy and Riordan’s Kane Chronicles. While my novel works as a stand-alone work of fiction, it has strong series potential.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in an anthology and I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow. I am also a content editor, member of multiple on-line critique sites, and I manage an expanding local writers group.

Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. An SASE in enclosed.

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by AllieS » April 17th, 2011, 6:48 am

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. He never dreamed he’d soon add protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. When a traveler snatches David and his best friend, Charlotte, Don't think you need the commas here. and ferries I prefered when you used the word "transports." Ferries make me think of . . . ferries. Actual boats. them to Fallhollow, David discovers far more Far more unsettling truths than what? I think you could phrase it, "David discovers some unsettling truths," to eliminate the ambiguity. unsettling truths: his arrival has awakened a vengeful dragon, a magic man is out to kill him, and his entire fifteen years of life has been nothing but a giant lie.

As Fallhollow sits on the brink of war, David must unite with an unknown second champion The word champion makes me think a little too hard. Champion of what? Do you just mean hero? Savior? of the realm, and find and return what was stolen from a great kingdom, even if it means sacrificing Charlotte’s life, or risk opening the gate between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, setting the dragon free to release his fiery rage upon David’s world. This line is very long. I love what you're saying, I would just like to see it broken up a little.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a 99,000 word Young Adult contemporary fantasy written in a similar flair as McCaffrey’s Harper Hall Trilogy and Riordan’s Kane Chronicles. While my novel works as a stand-alone work of fiction, it has strong series potential.

Great changes! A few little tweaks and I also think you've got it.

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by androidblues » April 21st, 2011, 1:48 pm

At first I wasn't too sure about this query -- mainly because I don't like reading stories about millionaires with problems, but with the tweaks AllieS suggested, I think you've got a winner. Plus, I'm a fan of best-friends fall in love sub-plots. But this sounds more like upper middle grade than YA even though David is in high school.

My biggest worry is that Charlotte will become a damsel in distress with Daniel and the second hero/champion taking the front helm and saving the world. This probably isn't true, but I just wanted to voice my concern. I hope she's like Hermione Granger or Polly Plumber. They weren't the focus, and at times they needed saving, but they weren't just there for romance. They helped the hero and saved the day in their own right without become high maintenance girlfriends--at least, Hermione didn't until book six.

Anyway, good luck and I think you've got an interesting story on your hands. Evil dragons and dragonkings are a nice contrast from the dragon riders of the Inheritance Series. By the way, this is coming from a seventeen-year-old who hates most paranormal romances and urban fiction novels. I'm not really into adventure stories anymore -- but I love science-fantasy -- so I think the voice needs to say more fantasy and less adventure if you get my drift. Especially since Rick Riordan writes middle-grade, not YA. I'd say it's more like Finnikin of the Rock. People tend to mix MG with YA, but they're very different. Redwall, Artemis Fowl, Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, The Inheritance Trilogy, Wizard of Earthsea, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Chronicles of Narnia, and His Dark Materials are MG. Wicked Lovely, Ender's Game, Blood and Chocolate, Twilight, and Lord of the Rings are YA. Content and tone are the big separators between the two genres. I'd even say there's a difference between lower middle grade and upper middle grade.
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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by Quill » April 22nd, 2011, 11:11 am

slavandria wrote:ok, I think this might be it:

Dear Agent Name:

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. He never dreamed he’d soon add protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements.
It would probably be stronger to say what David is and does, rather than what he isn't and doesn't (he isn't average, he never dreamed).

Also, as written (with the colon) it appears you could be stating that an average student is state track and archery champ, etc. What follows the colon generally modifies what precedes it.

Also, the info about David does not seem to bear on the main story hook and crux you are trying to get across, so maybe consider omitting most of it. It seems important to show he's of high school age, but his school achievements and financial status don't seem to tell us much about him as relates to the rest of your tale.
When a traveler snatches David and his best friend, Charlotte, and ferries them to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths: his arrival has awakened a vengeful dragon, a magic man is out to kill him, and his entire fifteen years of life has been nothing but a giant lie.
"Ferries" sticks out for me. How is one ferried to a parallel world? Is there an actual ferry boat involved?

How are these truths "far more unsettling" than "protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation"? It would seem they would be on par, for the most part.

What is "a magic man"? Sounds like a man who was created by magic. Are you speaking of a clone? An apparition?

" his entire fifteen years of life has been nothing but a giant lie"? In its entirety? Not one thing in the whole time has been true? What about the last time he went to the bathroom? If you are thinking this would be from his perspective, as though he was talking to himself in an exaggerated way to show how he feels, it doesn't quite work for me. The voice of the query is not his, really, up to this point. Maybe you mean based on a lie?
As Fallhollow sits on the brink of war,
"Fallhollow sits" seems awkward. Does a world sit? Sounds a bit too personified, and too static for a dynamic conglomerate of forces such as this.
David must unite with an unknown second champion of the realm, and find and return what was stolen from a great kingdom, even if it means sacrificing Charlotte’s life, or risk opening the gate between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, setting the dragon free to release his fiery rage upon David’s world.
A bit much for one sentence, introducing several new story points, including a character and a place.

The release of a dragon into Tennessee seems like an anticlimax. You have the balance of a whole world in play and then you end with a single reptile entering the United States. This would seem to be no problem for the U.S. Army and Air Force to handle; after maybe a few roasted citizens the poor creature would be blasted to smithereens.
IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a 99,000 word Young Adult contemporary fantasy
I'd leave out "contemporary" as this is not really a sub-genre.
written in a similar flair
Written with a flair, not in a flair.
as McCaffrey’s Harper Hall Trilogy and Riordan’s Kane Chronicles. While my novel works as a stand-alone work of fiction, it has strong series potential.
"Works as a work" is awkward.

I'd leave out "strong" as it may appear to overstate your case.
My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in an anthology
Do not mention unless you name the Anthology and unless the anthology can be looked up by the agent.
and I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow.
This will not matter to the agent at this juncture, and as such is clogging your query. Omit.
I am also a content editor,
This is meaningless without more info.
member of multiple on-line critique sites, and I manage an expanding local writers group.
These may come across as resume-bolstering, and probably should be omitted. Let your writing speak for itself, unless you have true publishing, writing, editing, or etc credits.
Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. An SASE in enclosed.
SASE? Are you submitting via snail mail?

Good luck with your project!

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Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Post by JessePrice » April 23rd, 2011, 1:22 am

slavandria wrote:Hi guys:

I would love some feedback on this query for my YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you so much.

Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting
How is he unsuspecting? Is this a necessary fact? It feels like clutter right here
fifteen-year old boy residing a rift
A time rift? A dimensional rift? What kind of tear?
away in Havendale, Tennessee.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student:
Colons are frequently used incorrectly and this is an example of that. Restructure your sentence so that it flows and explains his attributes. Do not use colons where you would use "viz., i.e., or a list not preceded by "as follows." And unless you're doing technical writing, it's best just to restructure your sentence so that it reads smoothly.

What I get here is that you are attempting to clarify why he was chosen to have the fate of the kingdom resting on his shoulders, but this reasoning should be included in the previous paragraph. And I'm not sure these attributes explain why HE was chosen as "the one."

State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. However, when a rift traveler arrives
This again needs the explanation of why the time traveler chose him to transport (along with his gal pal)
and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths:
Again, get rid of the colon and use straight sentence structure
his presence has awakened a vengeful dragon, an elusive adversary wants to kill him, and his deceased parents aren’t dead. As war looms over the realm, David must do the mages bidding, even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world
Get rid of the ellipses. What data are you omitting?
. . . and many others.
This graf introduces too many story elements. Try to get an overview of the story that won't reveal this much detail in your cover letter. It makes your story sound encumbered and overly complex.
As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons:
Get rid of colon. Don't use 3rd level enumeration.
(i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side.
I like the humor in the items in this list. Work out the punctuation and this could be a nice paragraph.
IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Young Adult contemporary fantasy of young unspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor.
Choose the main focus as this sounds like a cast of thousands of heroic attributes.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group, and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends.
Too much vague detail in your bio glimpse here. A more professional vein would be in order, such as "I am a freelance writer who blah blah. Skip the "band mom" thing.
Thank you for taking the time to review my project. An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.
Okay, now folks can argue with me about this, but when using acronyms, unless there are periods between them, I say to view them as they sound, as a word. A person would say "sase" not "s.a.s.e." and so it should be "a SASE" not "an SASE." And that's just my opinion.

This sounds like an interesting book with a lot of detail and color. I hope this helps to smooth out your query.
Sincerely,

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