My Query For Critique

[David Stricklen]

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world.

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy.

In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom.

A ghostly voice compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion.

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com.

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books.

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher.

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal, along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way.

Thank you for your time.

[Krista G.]

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world. Round the word count to the nearest thousand, as anything else will make you look like a novice. And putting the title in all caps is also pretty much an industry standard.

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun (I'd get rid of this cliche) at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy.

In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom. Short paragraphs are good in a query, but you've got so many of them that it's a bit distracting. As the query stands right now, I'd combine this paragraph with the one before it.

A ghostly voice compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance. This is where the meat of the query is, I think. This is what I want to know more about, but there's very little here.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion.

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. Hmm. A lot of agents don't want to work with self-published titles... A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. I'm no agent, but my guess would be that numbers don't start to impress someone until they reach the thousands. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com.

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books. This paragraph isn't doing much for you. In fact, it might be hurting.

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I wouldn't mention this. Agents are going to assume the manuscript is thoroughly edited and polished; let it speak for itself. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher. Well, of course you do, but again, I wouldn't mention this.

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal (Agents don't want proposals for fiction, just sample pages), along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way.

Thank you for your time.

As for the summary, you spend a little too much time on the set-up and not enough time on the meat of the story. You might consider shrinking those opening paragraphs down and expanding the one about the rescue and/or unexpected romance.

The rest of the query is too long. I think you have to tell them the book's been self-published, but I wouldn't go into detail. It's exciting to sell some copies of your book, but I'm thinking in the overall scheme of things, 50 really isn't that many. Let the manuscript stand on its own, since it's going to have to do that, anyway.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh; it wasn't my intention to offend. Much luck with this and the rest of your writing career.

[David Stricklen]

No harshness heard at all. Thank you for taking the time. The point in mentioning the number of books sold is that I only have them at one store. I hope an agent would do the math. If they were available all over it would be (80 x whatever). I wish I could include the artwork because it is amazing. I took you up on many of your suggestions but I get the impression that the best query letter in the world is not as good as an uncle in the publishing business.

[charity_bradford]

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world. This makes me uncomfortable. How do you know what elements Ms Toplease enjoys? Do you know? I'm also thinking that you should move this paragraph down and start right in with the next paragraph.

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen. I like this paragraph.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy. In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom, resulting in the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom. I combined the paragraphs and the last two sentences. A ghostly voice compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance. I agree with Krista, tell us more about this "other-world" adventure.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion. I like this paragraph, but personally I would drop the next three paragraphs. It sound like you are an amateur trying to convince the agent to look at the book. You want your writing to make him do that. Also, it makes the query letter feel and look long.

Move paragraph about the word count and such here. Just my opinion and combine it with the last paragraph.

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com.

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books.

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher.

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal, along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way. Perhaps you could say something more along these lines? "If you would like to see the manuscript, I can send it via e-mail or regular mail. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your time.

I'm not experienced enough to help figure out where you should work in the self-published information. All in all it sounds like an interesting story.

[Yoshima]

Hello, David! I agree with most of what Krista G. said. I just have a few things to add. Take my suggestions only if they feel right for you; I'm no expert on queries:

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure (YA fantasy adventure is not a genre. Just put YA fantasy.) entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world. (How is it strange? This is telling. Also, I think the setting should go in the actual query part of your query, not the intro. Intros are just for basic info, methinks.)

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water (Blackwater Pond, I'm assuming. If so it's kind of redundant to say both blackwater pond and small but deep body of water in the same sentence. I know what a pond looks like.). No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember (ooo, creepy!). And she’s positive something else is about to happen.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy.

In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom (good sentence!). Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom. ("prophecy of doom" seems very cliche to me; I can't take this part seriously because I frequently use "...of doom" to describe things like the pothole at the end of my street.)

A ghostly voice (his brother's?) compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance.

(This felt like it was all backstory and no plot. In my opinion, you don't even really need to tell us about the Grandma. Just say there's a pond and people disappear and Tommy disappeared and that's all the backstory we really need. Tell me more about the danger, rescue, and unexpected romance.)

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion. (It's wonderful that you are willing to devote yourself to this, but...it doesn't need to be in a query where the focus is your BOOK not YOU. The reason I say this is because the agent has to care about your book, not you personally, or they won't request pages. Save the space. Tell me more about your book.)

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com. (You definitely need to include this info in your query, and it wouldn't hurt to put in your ISBN as well so the agent can look it up if they want to. However, I agree with Krista: the numbers aren't large enough to report in an initial query. The good reviews, however, might be worth mentioning. :) )

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books. (The publisher will put a new cover on it anyway. This is not necessary.)

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher. (I think this could stay in because the agent will probably want to know the reason you're just now, after self-publishing, looking for rep. Also make sure the agent is interested in self-published books. I'm not positive, but I don't think many are.)

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal, along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way.

Thank you for your time.

I want to say that the actual writing in the query was simple and flowed nicely, and it didn't feel clunky to me at all. Great job on that! I really like the idea of your book--I love magic realism. I think it sounds like a fun story, but this doesn't tell me enough about the later events. If it was a back cover I'd still pick it up and take a look-see, but this is a query to an agent. He/she will be much pickier than I am. Knock their socks off. I know you can. :)

Best of luck to you and your book. Hope this critique was helpful to you!

[Dankrubis]

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. This opening is redundant. The whole point of a query letter is to get an agent to buy into your product. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. You better know the agent real freakin' well to know the elements he likes in his novels. This also sounds a little general, almost like you're faking personalization. Check out Nathan's posts on personalizations in queries (I'm too lazy to link, but it should be easy to find in the faqs on the main page). Rather than saying there's elements the agent enjoys, read some of the books the agent has published and make comparisons to your novel appropriately. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure reeeeaaal short for a novel. Like, seriously think about adding at least 10k words. entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world.

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen. Cool.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy. Right on. But- this is moving too slow.

In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom. I see this as a missed opportunity for major conflict. A 12 year-old kid just died (so we think). It doesn't read as all that tragic.

A ghostly voice compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance. Sounds good, but you're not getting off that easy. What is the danger, the romance, the rescue? You've gotta take us to, at the very least, your first plot point. Tell us your main character's goal, and what's inhibiting him from achieving that goal.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. I have a real problem with this sentence. Problem solving and adventure are things that everyone can encounter or imagine. Just because you were the Chief of Police doesn't mean you've got a better sense of adventure than the next guy's query in the inbox. Now, if you were a Doctor, and you wanted to mention that your profession lends credence to your novel because it's a medical mystery, then by all means. But a blanket statement like this comes off as amateur. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion. I'd axe this as well. There's a whole lotta time to think about stuff like book promotion. Right now, you need to impress an agent with a story.

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com.

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books. I really can't say too much about the last two paragraphs. I'm not sure how agents react to queries for novels that have already been self-published. However, I highly recommend cutting this back from where it's at now to one sentence. Something about self-publishing a previous version. The story about selling 80 of them at the airport is nice and all, but it's not saying much. Put anything next to Stephen King at an airport and people are gonna buy it, ya know? They need something to read on the plane.

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher. Again, all this stuff comes off amateur. I'm sure an agent hopes that every query in their inbox are from writers that are serious and continually strive to improve and attend conferences. And it's the agent's job to decide if it's ready for a publisher, not yours.

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal, along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way. I've got the same issues with this as I do the last few paragraphs.

Thank you for your time.

Okay! I must say, I just noticed that I didn't seen any issues with grammar or anything, so that's sweet. Good flow. But I think you need to rework this entire thing. Right now it reads like you're trying to sell yourself. Don't sell yourself, sell your novel. If you go back and write a query that focuses on your story and tell it in an exhilarating, exciting manner, then the agent is going to assume that you're serious about writing. That's where all your positive, writerly attributes need to come out- in your writing. Oh- and in reference to your comment about needing an uncle in the business - bad writers with uncles that are agents still don't get published. Good luck.

[djf881]

Dear Ms. Hard Toplease

I wrote a novel that I hope is right for you. My story fits into the category of one of your favorite genres, magical realism, and it contains many of the elements that you enjoy. The story is a 40,725 word YA fantasy adventure entitled Beyond Blackwater Pond, that takes place in a strange medieval world.

In a town near Blackwater Pond there is a small but deep body of water. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s got plans for fun in the sun at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother Tommy.

In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom.

A ghostly voice compels Brian to return to the pond after his brother’s disappearance, and he finds himself thrust into an other-world adventure that involves danger, a rescue, and an unexpected romance.

You don't need to worry about giving too much of your story away in a query. You're more concerned about being snappy and describing your story in a way that sounds intriguing.

I think the first line of the query should be something about 12-year old Tommy diving into the pond. Whether you want to talk about Grandma's prophecy or the bet is at your discretion, but you should get him into the pond in the first sentence of the query. Then you can discuss the danger, the rescue and the romance in a bit more detail.

The first sentence should also be your "hook," so it should grab the reader.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. As a recent retiree, I have both the energy and time to devote to book promotion.

With the encouragement of friends and family, I self-published the first edition of Beyond Blackwater Pond. A product sampling study was conducted at the airport gift shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When put on the shelf next to the current bestsellers, my first 20 books sold quickly. The gift shop requested 30 more, and more recently, another 30. The book has also received five-star reader reviews on Amazon.com.

The cover artwork and the interior art (at the beginning of each chapter), by artist Dan Sharp, are compelling. The shiny black cover makes the book stand out on the shelf against the collage of brightly colored books.

I take my writing seriously and continually strive to improve my skill. After attending writers’ conferences and joining a writers’ group, I realized the storyline could be made stronger. So I rewrote the entire manuscript. I believe this edition would merit being published through a standard publisher.

Your self-publishing history isn't interesting to the agent unless you've sold through several thousand copies. I would cut almost all of this, except maybe that you were the chief of the airport police, which is kind of interesting.

My understanding is that it's not necessary to disclose small-scale self pubbing when querying, if you control all your rights.

I would be happy to send you a complete book proposal, along with testimonials from readers and a press review. I feel my book would be a natural fit for your agency and I hope after careful deliberation you will feel the same way.

Thank you for your time.

If they request, you send them the manuscript. Just say the manuscript is available upon request.

[David Stricklen]

Thanks, for your help. The message I seem to be getting here is that it is all about the writing. Get rid of all the fluff. My second book in the series is twice as long as the first. Should I mention this because the first book is a little on the short side?

[charity_bradford]

My second book in the series is twice as long as the first. Should I mention this because the first book is a little on the short side?

I don't think so, but I'm also very, VERY new at this whole thing.