ANTEDILUVIAN query

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GaoYuQing
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by GaoYuQing » February 24th, 2011, 5:12 pm

Well this isn't exactly a query analysis, you've got plenty of those. Just a couple thoughts.
In order to decide if this fantasy, historical fiction, etc, see what other similar books are listed as. Best bet would be to a Family Christian Bookstore and check out their fiction section. As your book might likely be marketed with such books (depending how far from the Bible you plan on going) this might be helpful.
Also, just a general thought about your plot that might help. It might increase the poignancy of the Nephilim's situation when you consider that none of them end up on the ark. (Assuming you're sticking that close to the Bible) That means, while they might be fighting for Noah, they'll all die in the end.
I actually have a degree from seminary and have long studied the Bible, so this sounds intriguing to me. Gotta love Lawhead too :) Don't know if you'd be interested or not, but feel free to bounce some ideas off me if you want to get the views or opinions of someone for whom this subject matter is well known.

littlebird
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by littlebird » February 25th, 2011, 2:22 pm

I don't think there is much I can add that hasn't already been said, but I wouldn't start out with the quote from the bible. Just get to the meat. And unless you're story has a "come to Christ" undertone, I wouldn't list it as Christian Fiction (someone said that in a previous reply). I think you're safe with fantasy.

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » February 26th, 2011, 8:22 am

Guardian - thanks for the comments and suggestions. This is indeed the first book of a proposed trilogy.

GaoYuQing - that's a good idea ("historical fantasy" might be what I end up querying under). I'm indeed sticking close to the Bible - the story will maintain complete fidelity to the Biblical text, taken in true historical-grammatical fashion, and the hope is that folks will read what's in the book, then get motivated to actually read Genesis 1-11 - get beyond the picture-book old-man-Noah-smiling-in-the-bathtub-ark-with-two-smiling-giraffes.

I've got 25k words to go. Plan on me taking you up on your offer. I'd love to have a knowledgeable eye looking at the story.

littlebird - good suggestions.

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » February 27th, 2011, 8:19 am

Final query, the result of very many good critiques and suggestions. Big question (and obviously impossible to truly answer until I send it off, but your opinions appreciated nonetheless): is it good enough to get an agent to look at the MS?


Dear [agent],

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exile from Eden. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and legendary beasts roam the wilderness. The Grigori, angels charged with watching over mankind, have abandoned their appointed stations to take human wives. Their offspring are the Nephilim, giant warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

When his lands are attacked by a leviathan, Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage, tasks himself with finding a way to defeat it. He enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family from the monstrous foe thought to be invincible. Bonds between the humans and the giants are forged in the heat of battle; however, peace won by a hard-fought victory is short-lived. The Grigori's lust for earthly power has grown murderous, and they now view Noah's family, as well as his mighty Nephilim allies, as a threat. What is more, Samyaza, the irresistible leader of the Grigori, has become obsessed with Noah's enchanting bride-to-be. Friendships and faith are soon tested, as a devastating act of betrayal by the woman he loves thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans or the angels, and their choice may very well mean the difference between the earth's salvation...or its damnation.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a 100,000 word historical fantasy novel that combines Biblical details of an ancient world and Stephen Lawhead's storytelling sensibilities, with hints of Danielle Trussoni's ANGELOLOGY and James Gurney's DINOTOPIA series. Although it stands alone as a single story, it has been written with multivolume potential in mind.

I'm interested in representation by your agency because [reason]. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

[My name here]

misstante
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by misstante » February 27th, 2011, 2:23 pm

I am brand new to this forum, so please take my comments with a grain of salt:

I think the bible verse reminds me of a prologue, a big no-no with agents, and doesn't interest me nearly as much as the first paragraph. wonder if you could delete 'though' in the second paragrah, keep the momentum going forward. and i think mention the trilogy b/c it tells the agent this novel not your one and only. strong, vivid and interesting - great query in my opinion.

Dear [agent],

"The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown."
-Book of Genesis, Chapter 6, Verse 4

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exit from Eden. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and great predatory beasts roam the wilderness. Angels have abandoned their proper abode to take human wives. Their offspring are the Nephilim, mighty warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

Born into this boiling cauldron of history is Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage. When his lands are attacked, he enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family. Friendships forged in the heat of battle are soon tested, though, as a devastating act of betrayal thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels and their escalating lust for earthly power.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans...or the angels.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a 100,000 word historical fiction/fantasy novel that combines fascinating Biblical details of an ancient world and Stephen Lawhead's storytelling sensibilities, with hints of Danielle Trussoni's ANGELOLOGY. I'm interested in representation by your agency because [reason]. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

[My name here]

Issues:
-Include verse from Genesis?
-Depending on one's worldview, this is either historical fiction or fantasy. How to categorize? Use the sl/ash?
-Seen different takes on this question - if it's the first of a proposed trilogy, do I mention that?

Much appreciated, all.Auralius

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Report this postReply with quote Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query
by priya g. » 15 Oct 2010, 22:28

Auralius wrote:
Disclosure: MS not finished. First draft of the query is, though (obviously), and several issues I'm having with it have pushed me to go ahead and post it. FROM ALL THE AGENTS BLOGS THAT I HAVE READ, INCOMPLETE MANUSCRIPTS AND QUERYING DONT GO HAND IN HAND. YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP THE QUERYING IDEA ASIDE TILL YOU HAVE FINISHED WRITING Said issues enumerated after query. Aaaand...go.

Dear [agent],

"The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown."
-Book of Genesis, Chapter 6, Verse 4

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exit from Eden I THINK THIS IS A BETTER BEGINNING THAN THE VERSE, SURE YOUR STORY IS BASED ON IT, BUT JUMP RIGHT INTO THE PLOT. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and great predatory beasts roam the wilderness ARE YOU REFERRING TO ANYTHING PARTICULAR? THIS SOUNDS LIKE A NORMAL DAY ON EARTH. IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING? Angels have abandoned their proper abode to take human wives UMMM... I DONT EXACTLY GET THE HANG OF 'ANGELS' HERE. ARE THEY DOING THIS OUT OF FREE WILL? REBELLION?. Their offspring are the Nephilim, mighty warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

Born into this boiling cauldron THIS SEEMS LIKE AN EXTRAVAGANT USE OF ADJECTIVES of history is Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage. When his lands are attacked, he enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family. Friendships forged in the heat of battle are soon tested, though, as a devastating act of betrayal WHO BETRAYS WHO? thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels and their escalating lust for earthly power.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans...or the angels. EXACTLY- NOW I WANT TO KNOW IF THE ANGELS ARE GOOD OR BAD ANGELS- WHICH SIDE THEY BELONG TO, BECAUSE TILL NOW I WAS THINKING THEY WERE THE GOOD ONES AND ONLY THE NEPHILIM WERE POWER HUNGRY.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a 100,000 word historical fiction/fantasy novel that combines fascinating Biblical details of an ancient world and Stephen Lawhead's storytelling sensibilities, with hints of Danielle Trussoni's ANGELOLOGY. I'm interested in representation by your agency because [reason]. MOVE THIS SENTENCE AS A SEPARATE PARAGRAPHThank you very much for your time and consideration.

[My name here]

Issues:
-Include verse from Genesis? SEE COMMENT ABOVE
-Depending on one's worldview, this is either historical fiction or fantasy. How to categorize? Use the sl/ash? THIS SEEMS LIKE FANTASY TO ME PARTLY SINCE THE TIME FRAME HAS NOT BEEN SET. 'MORE THAN A THOUSAND YEARS' DOESNT SPECIFY
-Seen different takes on this question - if it's the first of a proposed trilogy, do I mention that? SOME SAY PUT IT AS 'HAS A SERIES POTENTIAL' AND LEAVE IT TO THAT. YOU SHOULD ASK OTHERS THIS TOO

Much appreciated, all

glj
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by glj » February 27th, 2011, 6:15 pm

Final query, the result of very many good critiques and suggestions. Big question (and obviously impossible to truly answer until I send it off, but your opinions appreciated nonetheless): is it good enough to get an agent to look at the MS?
I wish I knew. :) That is why queries are so hard to write--we can never tell when they are absolutely perfect.

This reads well. I have a few small suggestions.

More than a A thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exile from Eden., the earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and legendary beasts roam the wilderness. The Grigori, angels charged with watching over mankind, have abandoned their appointed stations to take human wives. Their offspring are the Nephilim, giant warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

When his lands are attacked by a leviathan, Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage, tasks himself "Tasks himself" still sounds like corporate-speak to me. Why not "must defeat it"? with finding a way to defeat it. He enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family from the monstrous foe, thought to be invincible. Just a little bit awkward. Maybe a comma here. Bonds between the humans and the giants are forged in the heat of battle;. However, peace won by a hard-fought victory is short-lived. The Grigori's lust for earthly power has grown murderous, and they now view Noah's family, as well as his mighty Nephilim allies, as a threat. What is more, Samyaza, the irresistible leader of the Grigori, has become obsessed with Noah's enchanting bride-to-be. Friendships and faith are soon tested, as a devastating act of betrayal by the woman he loves thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans or the angels, and their choice may very well mean the difference between the earth's salvation...or its damnation.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a 100,000 word historical fantasy novel that combines Biblical details of an ancient world and Stephen Lawhead's storytelling sensibilities, with hints of Danielle Trussoni's ANGELOLOGY and James Gurney's DINOTOPIA series. Although it stands alone as a single story, it has been written with multivolume potential in mind.

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » March 1st, 2011, 1:46 pm

misstante - thanks for the suggestions and encouraging comments

glj - good suggestions, thanks

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » March 11th, 2011, 11:46 am

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exile from Eden. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and legendary beasts roam the wilderness. The Grigori, angels charged with watching over mankind, have abandoned their appointed angelic stations to take human wives. Their offspring are the Nephilim, giant warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

When a leviathan attacks his lands, Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage, tasks himself with finding a way to defeat it. He enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family from the monstrous foe, thought to be invincible. Bonds between the humans and the giants are forged in the heat of battle; however, peace won by a hard-fought victory is short-lived. The Grigori have seized sovereignty of the ancient city of Enoch in all but name, and their lust for earthly power has grown murderous. They now view Noah's family, as well as his mighty Nephilim allies, as a threat. What is more, the irresistible leader of the Grigori has become obsessed with Noah's enchanting bride-to-be. Friendships and faith are soon tested, as a devastating act of betrayal by the woman he loves thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans or the angels, and their choice may very well mean the difference between the earth's salvation...or its damnation.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a 100,000 word historical fantasy novel that combines Biblical details of an ancient world and Stephen Lawhead's storytelling sensibilities, with hints of Danielle Trussoni's ANGELOLOGY and James Gurney's DINOTOPIA series. Although it stands alone as a single story, it has been written with multivolume potential in mind.

I'm interested in representation by your agency because [reason]. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.


That's it. Final version. Thanks to all who contributed.

Joel Q
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Joel Q » March 11th, 2011, 1:55 pm

Nice job.
JQ

littlebird
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by littlebird » March 11th, 2011, 8:43 pm

This is so, so, nitpicky, at but do we really need to know that Noah is of "noble heritage." What difference does it make?

And I might leave out the paragraph that compares it to othe works. Some agents find that arrogant.

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » March 11th, 2011, 11:08 pm

Dang it, littlebird. You might be right. Revised last paragraph.

ANTEDILUVIAN is a historical fantasy novel that breathes new life into Biblical descriptions of an ancient world. Complete at 100,000 words, it has been written with multivolume potential in mind.

Thoughts?

Auralius
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Re: ANTEDILUVIAN query

Post by Auralius » March 25th, 2011, 5:39 pm

Final version. This'll be sent out around the end of April, when everything's polished as it can be. Thanks a ton to all who contributed. I have to say, I'm optimistic...

Dear [agent],

More than a thousand years have passed since the fall of man and the exile from Eden. The earth has been cursed, humans scrape meager livings from the soil, and legendary beasts roam the wilderness. The Grigori, angels charged with watching over mankind, have abandoned their appointed angelic stations to take human wives. Their offspring are the Nephilim, giant warriors with birthrights in heaven and on earth.

When a leviathan attacks his lands, Noah, a hardworking farmer with a noble heritage, tasks himself with finding a way to defeat it. He enlists Nephilim aid to protect his family from the monstrous foe, thought to be invincible. Bonds between the humans and the giants are forged in the heat of battle; however, harmony won by a hard-fought victory is short-lived. The Grigori have seized sovereignty of the ancient city of Enoch in all but name, and their lust for earthly power has grown murderous. They now view Noah's family, as well as his mighty Nephilim allies, as a threat. What is more, the irresistible leader of the Grigori has become obsessed with Noah's enchanting bride-to-be. Friendships and faith are soon tested, as a devastating act of betrayal by the woman he loves thrusts Noah into the middle of a revolution against the fallen angels.

Meanwhile, his Nephilim comrades must decide, once and for all, whether they will fight on the side of the humans or the angels, and their choice may very well mean the difference between the earth's salvation...or its damnation.

Complete at 100,000 words, ANTEDILUVIAN is a historical fantasy novel that breathes new life into Biblical descriptions of an ancient world. I'm interested in representation by your agency because [reason]. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

[My name here]

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