Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

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A La Vanille
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Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by A La Vanille » February 14th, 2011, 8:56 pm

REVISED QUERY ON POST NINE. THANK YOU.
Hello there! Thank you for taking a look at my query. Any suggestions/revisions/edits you can make will be appreciated. Be as honest as you can. Also, if you were a literary agent, would you ask to read more or give a form rejection? Thank you, here it is:

Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead. Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence called Gladys Raymond. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first.

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. He tries to avoid the girl heedless of this rule, but only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed.

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.
Last edited by A La Vanille on February 21st, 2011, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

glj
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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by glj » February 15th, 2011, 12:47 am

It seems disorganized. It looks like you might have a good story in here, but it seems to jump around. Try to make it consistent and flow.

At times I think this is a legitimate story of women overcoming sexism and exclusion, and at times it reads like kids slinging insults on the playground. I really can't make out what story you are trying to get across here. I'm not trying to be rude, but this just seems to be all over the place.


Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead. Here are my problems so far. They are playing golf, so they must be at least sixteen, maybe? But then Leighton is a "boy", so how old is Beatrice? He thinks she should wear a bikini, so sounds like she is at least 14 or more? But the story seems to be about women not being allowed into a golf course, which makes me think the timeframe is 1960s or earlier. And I can't imagine that a girl under eighteen would be allowed to wear a bikini in such a timeframe. But then, "bikini" might not be appropriate for the time, even for a woman over eighteen. So you can understand that I am a bit lost. Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, Is "lady" used as her age, or is it used in the sense that Beatrice thinks that she deserves more dignity? thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence called Gladys Raymond. Uh, slutty influence? I'm having a really hard time guessing the time frame and the ages of the characters. And she's "called" Gladys Raymond? Is that an insult? A label? This implies that this other female (no clue of her age) is not really Gladys Raymond, but people just call her that. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, This still doesn't tell me the "when" of the story. Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. Sorry, but I just am not buying this premise. It sounds like a total mish-mash of 1940s societal expectations mixed with 1960s or later. If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first. Awkward.

Sounds like Beatrice is competitive. Good, I like that aspect. Maybe a bit of a tomboy, so she can take on Leighton at his snobbish boy games and kick his ass. But then how can she pretend to be a high-class lady? You haven't convinced me that your story pulls this off. Showing her in action might be more convincing. And fun.


Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. The repetition seems unnecessary. You said this in the previous paragraph. I think the reader can remember that far back (even me, and I have the gray hair to command some forgiveness) According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. Probably not needed. You've already told the reader that Leighton feels this way toward females. He tries to avoid the girl I know you are trying to avoid word repetition, but switching from her name to such a vague term makes me wonder if you really are talking about someone else. heedless Um, no, it should be "heeding this rule", heedless of this rule would mean that he is ignoring the rule of this rule, but only a few minutes after initial contact, Must be a hell of a rough game of golf! she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Okay, I take it all back. I really like Beatrice now. And Leighton is starting to sound like he should put on the dress and makeup. And hockey might be more Beatrice's game, not golf. She's wasting her abilities on the golf course. Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college Whoa, this makes it sound as if getting suspended is Leighton's brother's goal! And this sentence is totally out of the blue. Is brother important? and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity You are going off the rails here. Why is this important? If the point is that Leighton is being a total dick because, well, he is getting picked on for being effeminate, you are not making me sympathetic. His brother torments Leighton, so Leighton torments Beatrice? Careful that your characters are not coming across as really unlikeable. and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, Have we flipped into an alternate universe of Caddyshack? he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. Okay, not to be unkind, but your query seems to be degenerating into lurid details that seem to have no relation to each other. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed. This sentence loses me. What? Now she's a witch?

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all (Not exactly a shocking revelation here) in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by Ermo » February 15th, 2011, 3:16 pm

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead.
Like the opening! Good voice. I'd probably tighten and take out the words "for good" and "instead."
Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence called Gladys Raymond. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first.
I don't like my attention being taken away from Leighton to Gladys. Get to Gladys later. Do you need elegant ballerina? Wouldn't just being awesome at golf prove enough?
Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. He tries to avoid the girl heedless of this rule, but only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed.
Not sure I like the repetition. I don't like "the girl heedless of this rule" - it feels unnecessarily complex. And I'd describe how she breaks his collarbone. I don't like "dejected" as an adjective for house. I do like that you've given this character depth. I think you can take out the sentence about Leighton's brother suspended from college and just go with "With his brother..." Tighter. What's a Wollstonecraft?
Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.
I think it's a great title.

I like your voice in this. I think it needs to use fewer words and be a little tighter. And I'm not sure if you set up the conflict entirely. So, Bea wants to win at golf to prove she belongs? Will she have that opportunity in the tournament? That's not clear to me. I think you have a good start here. Good luck!

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A La Vanille
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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by A La Vanille » February 16th, 2011, 1:21 am

glj wrote:It seems disorganized. It looks like you might have a good story in here, but it seems to jump around. Try to make it consistent and flow.

At times I think this is a legitimate story of women overcoming sexism and exclusion, and at times it reads like kids slinging insults on the playground. I really can't make out what story you are trying to get across here. I'm not trying to be rude, but this just seems to be all over the place.


Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead. Here are my problems so far. They are playing golf, so they must be at least sixteen, maybe? But then Leighton is a "boy", so how old is Beatrice? He thinks she should wear a bikini, so sounds like she is at least 14 or more? But the story seems to be about women not being allowed into a golf course, which makes me think the timeframe is 1960s or earlier. And I can't imagine that a girl under eighteen would be allowed to wear a bikini in such a timeframe. But then, "bikini" might not be appropriate for the time, even for a woman over eighteen. So you can understand that I am a bit lost. Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, Is "lady" used as her age, or is it used in the sense that Beatrice thinks that she deserves more dignity? thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence called Gladys Raymond. Uh, slutty influence? I'm having a really hard time guessing the time frame and the ages of the characters. And she's "called" Gladys Raymond? Is that an insult? A label? This implies that this other female (no clue of her age) is not really Gladys Raymond, but people just call her that. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, This still doesn't tell me the "when" of the story. Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. Sorry, but I just am not buying this premise. It sounds like a total mish-mash of 1940s societal expectations mixed with 1960s or later. If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first. Awkward.

Sounds like Beatrice is competitive. Good, I like that aspect. Maybe a bit of a tomboy, so she can take on Leighton at his snobbish boy games and kick his ass. But then how can she pretend to be a high-class lady? You haven't convinced me that your story pulls this off. Showing her in action might be more convincing. And fun.


Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. The repetition seems unnecessary. You said this in the previous paragraph. I think the reader can remember that far back (even me, and I have the gray hair to command some forgiveness) According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. Probably not needed. You've already told the reader that Leighton feels this way toward females. He tries to avoid the girl I know you are trying to avoid word repetition, but switching from her name to such a vague term makes me wonder if you really are talking about someone else. heedless Um, no, it should be "heeding this rule", heedless of this rule would mean that he is ignoring the rule of this rule, but only a few minutes after initial contact, Must be a hell of a rough game of golf! she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Okay, I take it all back. I really like Beatrice now. And Leighton is starting to sound like he should put on the dress and makeup. And hockey might be more Beatrice's game, not golf. She's wasting her abilities on the golf course. Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college Whoa, this makes it sound as if getting suspended is Leighton's brother's goal! And this sentence is totally out of the blue. Is brother important? and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity You are going off the rails here. Why is this important? If the point is that Leighton is being a total dick because, well, he is getting picked on for being effeminate, you are not making me sympathetic. His brother torments Leighton, so Leighton torments Beatrice? Careful that your characters are not coming across as really unlikeable. and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, Have we flipped into an alternate universe of Caddyshack? he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. Okay, not to be unkind, but your query seems to be degenerating into lurid details that seem to have no relation to each other. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed. This sentence loses me. What? Now she's a witch?

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all (Not exactly a shocking revelation here) in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.

Thank you for this! Your honesty is what I needed. You have definitely shone a light on my query I've never noticed before and I'll have to rethink it based on this new insight. Thank you again!

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by A La Vanille » February 16th, 2011, 1:23 am

Ermo wrote:
Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead.
Like the opening! Good voice. I'd probably tighten and take out the words "for good" and "instead."
Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence called Gladys Raymond. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first.
I don't like my attention being taken away from Leighton to Gladys. Get to Gladys later. Do you need elegant ballerina? Wouldn't just being awesome at golf prove enough?
Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. He tries to avoid the girl heedless of this rule, but only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed.
Not sure I like the repetition. I don't like "the girl heedless of this rule" - it feels unnecessarily complex. And I'd describe how she breaks his collarbone. I don't like "dejected" as an adjective for house. I do like that you've given this character depth. I think you can take out the sentence about Leighton's brother suspended from college and just go with "With his brother..." Tighter. What's a Wollstonecraft?
Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.
I think it's a great title.

I like your voice in this. I think it needs to use fewer words and be a little tighter. And I'm not sure if you set up the conflict entirely. So, Bea wants to win at golf to prove she belongs? Will she have that opportunity in the tournament? That's not clear to me. I think you have a good start here. Good luck!
Great suggestions! I'm glad you like the voice and I will definitely try to make it a bit tighter and revolve more on the conflict. A Wollstonecraft is one of the early feminists in history. :)

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by GaoYuQing » February 17th, 2011, 8:22 am

I don't really know what more I can add to those who posted before me, perhaps I can say more when the revision comes out, but yes, reading this synopsis left me feeling confused and overwhelmed by the amount of data thrown at me, much of it seeming unrelated and..."random" for lack of a better word. It was a case of too much in too little time, as if you were trying to hit every event in your book in your synopsis in as few words as possible.

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by wilderness » February 18th, 2011, 7:02 pm

A La Vanille wrote:
Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Beatrice Roland won’t take that kind of crap, especially from that chauvinistic boy, Leighton Ross, who believes she should step off the golf course for good and put on a bikini instead. Loving the voice here, but this sentence is a bit long and clunky. Can you break it up so it reads easier? Before she can redeem herself as a respectable lady, thank you very much, she must save her little sister from the slutty influence calledof Gladys Raymond. Horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world, Bea sets out to prove she can save her gender from depravity as an elegant ballerina and a kick-ass golfer. Here is where I get confused. I thought she was a feminist because she won't take chauvinistic attitudes, but she also seems prudish and old-fashioned if she is "horrified at the behavior of women in the modern world." Also, I'm not sure how she "can save her gender from depravity" as a ballerina or golfer? If confidence doesn’t become her weakness first. Again, I feel that your character is inconsistent. When you said "she won't take that kind of crap" I thought she was strong and confident -- so how is lack of confidence her weakness? Also I think that sentence is a little strangely worded.

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. According to Leighton, that’s how it should be. He tries to avoid the girl heedless of this rule (the phrasing here is awkward and I think you should make it clear that he is referring to Bea), but only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. Intriguing, but how did she do that? Leighton’s brother has successfully been suspended from college and is back to continue his childhood abuse. With his brother questioning Leighton’s masculinity and The Elites vs. Caddies tournament approaching, he’s stuck practically handicapped -- and not the golf kind -- in his dejected house when a man should be strong, moreover never be beaten by a girl. He really can’t bother with that crazy, modern Wollstonecraft but maybe she’s exactly the distraction he needed. I think you can drop the brother because there seems to be too much going on in this paragraph. Also, it feels a little repetitive with the he's a man's man theme. I'd like to know more about their golf antics instead!

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.
This sounds like a fun story, but I think it can use some more fine-tuning. When does this take place? How old are the characters? It doesn't sound as if they are teenagers, in which case this is not young adult. Good luck!

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by SariBelle » February 19th, 2011, 12:14 am

I won't do a line by line, because previous critiquers have already done a good job. I do like your voice but I think the query is really lacking focus. There's so many details about several characters (Bea, her sister, Gladys, Leighton & his brother). I'd cut back. Focus on Bea & Leighton (since I assume they're the two main characters). Figure out what they want and what stands in their way. Bringing in (and naming) all the extra characters makes the query lose focus.

I also agree with the first critiquer about the confusion of what time the story is written in. Much of the language is conflicting ('lady' vs 'kick-ass') which is quite jarring and left me trying to figure out setting rather than wanting to read the book.

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by A La Vanille » February 21st, 2011, 3:54 pm

Thank you all for your comments! Here is the revised query based on what you said and as you can tell, it's quite different from the original. If you would like me to look at your query in return, I'd be glad to (especially if you write YA!). Just give me the link or send it through a private message and I'll try to offer some feedback/insight in return.

Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Seventeen-year-old Beatrice Roland won’t take that crap, especially from Leighton Ross, a chauvinistic boy who believes she should step off the golf course and put on a bikini. It seems like all girls want to do today is wear bikinis, even her nine-year old sister! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned decency? Beatrice sets out to prove girls aren’t just good at cleaning and making sandwiches, they can kick ass at golf too, and that’s just what she plans to do. She teams up with the Caddies at a boys-only golf tournament, ready to beat Leighton at his own game and break down any other stereotypes he once held about girls. Watch out, boys.

Although Leighton seems like he despises every detail about girls from their styled hair to their toe nail polish, he has an embarrassing secret: he falls in love with them too easily. After so many breakups, he’s convinced girls are up to no good. And the new girl in town, Beatrice, certainly falls into that category. Only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. He has to watch out for her, he has to make sure he doesn’t fall in love with her, too. Especially now when he’s so vulnerable from his most recent breakup, when his brother’s back from college to continue his childhood abuse on Leighton. He has to make sure she doesn’t also break his heart with that golf club she’s awfully nifty with. But can he help it if he finds her competitiveness a bit attractive?

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by GaoYuQing » February 21st, 2011, 4:07 pm

A La Vanille wrote:Thank you all for your comments! Here is the revised query based on what you said and as you can tell, it's quite different from the original. If you would like me to look at your query in return, I'd be glad to (especially if you write YA!). Just give me the link or send it through a private message and I'll try to offer some feedback/insight in return.

Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Seventeen-year-old Beatrice Roland won’t take that crap, especially from Leighton Ross, a chauvinistic boy who believes she should step off the golf course and put on a bikini. It seems like all girls want to do today is wear bikinis, even her nine-year old sister! this sentence doesn't seem to fit. either remove it or work the message more smoothly into the neighboring sentences. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned decency? Beatrice sets out to prove girls aren’t just good at cleaning and making sandwiches, they can kick ass at golf too, and that’s just what she plans to do. She teams up with the Caddies at a boys-only golf tournament, ready to beat Leighton at his own game and break down any other stereotypes he once held about girls. Watch out, boys.

Although Leighton seems like he despises every detail about girls from their styled hair to their toe nail polish, he has an embarrassing secret: he falls in love with them too easily. After so many breakups, he’s convinced girls are up to no good, and the new girl in town, Beatrice, certainly falls into that category. Only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break both his collarbone and his reputation. He has to watch out for her, he has to make sure he doesn’t fall in love with her, too. Especially now when he’s so vulnerable from his most recent breakup, when his brother’s back from college to continue his childhood abuse on Leighton. He has to make sure she doesn’t also break his heart with that golf club she’s awfully nifty with. But can he help it if he finds her competitiveness a bit attractive?This last pararaph, especially the latter half of it, still suffer from your info overload problem. You also used "he has to" 3 times in 2 sentences.

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.
MUCH better than first version, but still needs some polishing. FORE!

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by wilderness » February 22nd, 2011, 12:03 am

Great job! Much improved!
A La Vanille wrote:
Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Seventeen-year-old Beatrice Roland won’t take that crap, especially from Leighton Ross, a chauvinistic boy who believes she should step off the golf course and put on a bikini. It seems like all girls want to do today is wear bikinis,(maybe use a different phrase, like "lie on the beach" to avoid repetition of bikini) even her nine-year old sister! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned decency? Beatrice sets out to prove girls aren’t just good at cleaning and making sandwiches, they can kick ass at golf too, and that’s just what she plans to do. She teams up with the Caddies at a boys-only golf tournament, ready to beat Leighton at his own game and break down any other stereotypes he once held about girls. Watch out, boys. Nice. This first paragraph is so much clearer than the first version. Great voice sustained throughout and perfect setup.

Although Leighton seems like he despises every detail about girls from their styled hair to their toe nail polish, he has an embarrassing secret: he falls in love with them too easily. After so many breakups, he’s convinced girls are up to no good. And the new girl in town, Beatrice, certainly falls into that category. Only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his reputation. He has to watch out for her, he has to make sure he doesn’t fall in love with her, too. Especially now when he’s so vulnerable from his most recent breakup, when his brother’s back from college to continue his childhood abuse on Leighton. He has to make sure she doesn’t also break his heart with that golf club she’s awfully nifty with. But can he help it if he finds her competitiveness a bit attractive? Love the last sentence there. There is still some repetition that can be cleaned up; it seems like you're repeating the point about how he may too easily fall in love with her several times.

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by littlebird » February 25th, 2011, 2:57 pm

Where do I click the like button? I love sports chicks!!! Here are my edits.

Dear (agent's name),

Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden? Seventeen-year-old Beatrice Roland won’t take that crap, especially from Leighton Ross, a chauvinistic boy who believes she should step off the golf course and put on a bikini. It seems like all girls want to do today is wear bikinis, even her nine-year old sister! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned decency? Beatrice sets out to prove girls aren’t just good at cleaning and making sandwiches, they can kick ass at golf too, and that’s just what she plans to do. She teams up with the Caddies at a boys-only golf tournament, ready to beat Leighton at his own game and break down any other stereotypes he once held about girls. Watch out, boys.

Although Leighton seems like he despises every detail about girls from their styled hair to their toe nail polish, he has an embarrassing secret: he falls in love with them too easily. After so many breakups, he’s convinced girls are up to no good. And the new girl in town, Beatrice, certainly falls into that category. Only a few minutes after initial contact, she’s managed to break his collarbone and his wreck his?reputation. He has to watch out for her, he has to make sure he doesn’t fall in love with her, too. Especially now when he’s so vulnerable from his most recent breakup, when his brother’s back from college to continue his childhood abuse on Leighton. He has to make sure she doesn’t also break his heart with that golf club she’s awfully nifty with. But can he help it if he finds her competitiveness a bit attractive? The last three sentences seem like TMI. Pick the most important ONE and stick with it[/color]

Through games of golf and plates of poutine, these two learn that boy and girl may not be that different after all in GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN, a 70,000 word young adult contemporary novel.[/quote]

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Re: Query - Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

Post by enewmeyer » March 10th, 2011, 11:30 am

The first paragraph of your new version totally hooked me! I agree with the others. The second paragraph could be tightened. Keep up the good work!

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