Query: AMÉRICA! (Hist. Fic.) - New Version Top of Page 2

[Quill]

Quill, you eviscerate queries like a school of frenzied piranhas.

I take your point on the logline. Maybe something like this would be better "As Lieutentant Colonel in the Spanish Army, Jose de San Martin has had men shot for desertion, but when he flees to Argentina, he's not shirking a fight, he's starting one." Not sure about the shirking/starting thing there, but you get the idea.

I also take your grammatical/style points on the next paragraph. Re. the content, Spain was continually launching reinvasions of Argentina (and Chile) from Peru. To ensure Argentine freedom, he had to break Spanish power in South America once and for all, and the only way to ensure this was to take Peru.

And you are right, there is a shift in tone in that final paragraph. It's probably because it's the only thing that survived my old query (which read like non-fiction) as I tried to make the rest of the query sound more like an adventure novel. I need to work on this.

As a side note, yes, San Martin is a real historical figure (along with Bolivar), and the events happened as described. And yes, I have done a lot of scholarly research on the war and the meeting (which did take place). There were no witnesses to the conversation between Bolivar and San Martin, and neither man spoke of it much afterward, and, as such, what occurred in the room is a matter of huge debate among South American historians, and has caused a lot of controversy over the years.

I have my own take, but it's grounded in some evidence (such as a letter San Martin wrote to Bolivar chastising him for misrepresenting their conversation), and what I have been able to learn of the two men involved, their personalities, their motivations, and the circumstances they were in. An educated guess, if you like.

I think some of this great info should find it's way into the query. It sounds like a great project, and I'd really like to see the query reflect it.

[dgaughran]

Hi all,

Thanks for all the help so far, it's genuinely appreciated. Your criticisms have been spot-on so far, and are helping me a lot. It feels like I'm learning too, and I am enjoying the process.

Latest version below. Have at her!

Dave

*** VERSION 6 ***


Dear [AGENT],

Why did Jose de San Martin, who led a twelve-year campaign to liberate South America, resign and allow Simon Bolivar the glory of the final victory?

In 1810, San Martín deserts the Spanish Army and returns home to Buenos Aires. When he joins the independence fight, he clashes with his superiors and wrestles with an increasing dependence on laudanum. The revolution falters as the rebel army fail to advance; San Martín is transferred to a provincial backwater, far from the front. His career seems finished, but San Martín has a secret plan. Enlisting the help of refugees, freed slaves, ex-convicts and mercenaries, he scales the snow-covered Andes and liberates Santiago in a surprise attack. As enemy reinforcements land again and again, San Martín realises that to break Spanish power he must take Peru, and hires a disgraced British officer to launch an attack by sea.

After the fall of Lima in 1822, the two greatest South American generals, Bolívar and San Martín, finally meet. Neither army is large enough to finish the Spanish; they must come together. To the consternation of his men, San Martín resigns, leaving Bolívar to immortalise himself in the final battle. For two hundred years, San Martín's motives have remained a mystery, until now.

AMÉRICA!, a 97,000 word historical adventure, may appeal to fans of Patrick O'Brian and Ken Follett. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.


Yours sincerely,

[ME]

[glj]

Dear [AGENT],

Why did Jose de San Martin, who led a twelve-year campaign to liberate South America, resign and allow Simon Bolivar the glory of the final victory? I generally don't like rhetorical questions in a query, but this works for me. Maybe because the mystery is the main theme of the story.

In 1810, San Martín deserts the Spanish Army and returns home to Buenos Aires. Might need a transition, maybe why he joins the fight? Is this also why he deserts the Spanish Army? When he joins the independence fight, he clashes with his superiors and wrestles with an increasing dependence on laudanum. The revolution falters as the rebel army fail to advance, and; San Martín is transferred to a provincial backwater, far from the front. His career seems finished, but San Martín has a secret plan. Enlisting the help of refugees, freed slaves, ex-convicts and mercenaries, he scales the snow-covered Andes and liberates Santiago in a surprise attack. As enemy reinforcements land again and again, San Martín realises that to break Spanish power he must take Peru, and hires a disgraced British officer to launch an attack by sea.

After the fall of Lima in 1822, the two greatest South American generals, Bolívar and San Martín, finally meet. Neither army is large enough to finish the Spanish, so; they must come join? come together is a Beatle's song together. To the consternation of his men, San Martín resigns, Seems to need a "when". He resigns at the meeting? He resigns after the battle is won? leaving Bolívar to immortalise himself become immortalized? in the final battle. For two hundred years, San Martín's motives have remained a mystery, until now. Can you give us a hint here? It might be more compelling if we knew just a little more.

AMÉRICA!, a 97,000 word historical adventure, may appeal to fans of Patrick O'Brian and Ken Follett. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.


I like this. It flows well and gives a good sense of the book.

[longknife]

Agree with jlg - much, much better. I think you're getting to the crux of the story.

Also, the "experts" say never start with a question but this seems to work for me.

Now, let's see if Nathan might have anything to say about that.

[dgaughran]

Hi all,

Thanks again for taking the time to help with my query.

I think it's getting there. The structure is right for the first time, but it might be a little dry. Need to think about that more, make it sound more exciting.

Re. opening with a question: I am aware of the rule, but as far as I understood, it only applied to rhetorical questions. This is not one. Second, I think I get away with it, but would be interested in dissenting opinions.

Dave

[glj]

I think the question works. At least, it does for me. Especially if you hint at an answer.

I don't know why he would have resigned. And it does make me curious. Maybe you can provide more life here, showing Martin as being too flawed to be a hero, and recognizing it, or maybe a selflessness that is admirable (just tossing out ideas). Can you provide some hints as to why? Does his addiction lead him to realize that he won't be the best choice? Does he know that only one hero will be needed? Does he get out because he realizes he can become wealthy growing cocoa plants? Oops, no, scratch that one.

[dgaughran]

Yes, I think you're right.

I don't want to give away the ending, but I can give you a number of theories that historians have put forward:

1) San Martin was weak, drug-addled, and bowed to the superiority of Bolivar as a man, an intellect, and a soldier.
2) Bolivar bullied him, threatening to do the unthinkable and attack him, regardless of the danger to the revolution. San Martin sacrificed himself for the greater good of South America.
3) San Martin was tired of war and longed to return to his family.
4) Bolivar wouldn't tolerate any rivals, and refused to bring his troops under joint command; San Martin resigned to allow the speedy conclusion of the war.
5) San Martin wanted to return home to tend to his sick wife, and to clear his name of treason charges.
6) Bolivar knew that to have any chance of success, their needed to be a clear chain of command, and one should step aside graciously; San Martin volunteered.
7) San Martin offered to serve under Bolivar, but Bolivar refused, forcing San Martin's hand.

Choose your own adventure!